Til death to us part, XOXO, Gossip Girl

And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed to the unknown: Our future. We set off to far off places and try to find ourselves or try to lose ourselves, exploring pleasures closer to home. The problems start when we refuse to let change happen and cling to old habits. But if we hold on to the past too tight, the future may never come. Til death to us part. XOXO, Gossip Girl.

I can’t do it. I’m sorry.

I lived through the complete mess that is the last four seasons once, and I don’t think I can do it again. There is so much negativity and hate and anger stemming from the middle part of Season 4 right up until the season finale. The show never even got TRASHY bad, just bad. And Trashy Bad I can work with. Bad bad? I’m not doing it again. Sorry. I don’t need the negativity in my life. read more

The Last Days of Disco Stick. Episode 3×10.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, what with Jenny’s hair and that threesome Dan, Vanessa and Olivia (played by freaking Hilary Duff of all people) shared, we all went in to do a collective Eternal Sunshine and had our memories erased (at least that’s what the writers hope as they rush to figure out who’s going to play Serena’s Daddy!)

The show only goes downhill from here. At least week the incredible Lady Gaga guest stars as herself. I wonder how the show will screw this one up.

Oh. read more

They Shoot Humphrey’s, Don’t They? Episode 3×09.

One can only hope, regarding this week’s episode title.

Last week, we fell asleep as a bunch of shit happened. Jimmy Fallon guest starred as himself, the Hilary Duff shit continued (she had an interview with Fallon and got Lonely Boy Dan renamed Bathroom Boy), and Blair pushed Serena into a cake at an election party. Right.

I am beginning to feel we were lied to about the threesome, and it was something imaginary the CW put out there in hopes people would tune in for the chance of a threesome.

It’s cotillion time on the Upper East Side! Oh joy! Now Jenny will be even a bigger bitch and bore us even more! Jenny still hasn’t found the proper escort for the event. Maybe she could borrow a monkey from the Bronx Zoo? read more

The Grandfather Part II. Episode 3×08.

Oh. Great. To follow up that snoozeville Halloween episode, they’re going to give us a Vanderbilt political episode? WTF (definitely not watch this fall)

OR

Even worse, someone’s grandfather is part of that still not seen threesome!

If this didn’t air in 2009, I’d say Gossip Girl was trying to cash in on another show

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Serena’s PR relationship with Patrick Roberts is getting him attention in Hollywood. Now Serena has to get pictures taken of Patrick Roberts and politicians. WTF not Watch This Fall. read more

How to Succeed in Bassness. Episode 3×07.

Last time on Gossip Girl we spotted Chuck kissing dudes, Olivia (Hilary Duff) giving freshmen dinner speeches and Serena and Nate in Trip’s campaigzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe this is the week that promised threesome will happen just to wake us all back up.

Oh God help us. A Halloween-themed episode. Kill me now. With my luck it’ll be a furry threesome.  vlcsnap-2015-05-17-23h40m22s15

Well, at least Hallowen explain’s Little J.’s hair.

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Chuck’s new hotel is #123 on Travelocity, behind the Holiday Inn LaGuardia. As if these people flew into LaGuardia. They are totally JFKers and then helicopter on in to the city. read more

Enough About Eve. Episode 3×06.

Gossip Girl here. Last week, Rufus and Lily got married and their secret love child went back to Boston, never to be mentioned again. The Buckleys took off with Carter, presumably to beat him up. And Dan’s new actress girlfriend played by Hilary Duff took off to Japan and was off screen. Also, Georgina met a Belarussian prince…and took off with him.

Will this be the week of the promised threesome? How long do we have to wait for it?

BLAIR IS DREAMING!

vlcsnap-2015-05-10-14h57m31s192 vlcsnap-2015-05-10-14h57m42s50 Of Vanessa ABRAMS.

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Talk about your NIGHTMARE. That award was meant for Blair! It’s only a nightmare though. read more

Rufus Getting Married. Episode 3×05

Gossip Girl here. Spotted last week? Scott getting calls from Georgina, Dan flirting with Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia Burke, and Blair not happy with Little J’s reign over Constance. What will happen this week? From the title…Rufus and Lily get married, maybe? They haven’t even mentioned their engagement this season…

I bet there will be wine. And maybe that promised threesome will finally transpire?

This week begins with Gossip Girl pontificating about love as we see a montage of the couples. Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Chuck and Blair, Humphrey and his computer, Rufus on the couch…she also admits that love on the UES is a synonym for “pain”. Yep! That’s why we watch. read more

Dan de Fleurette. Episode 3×04

Georgina knows a secret! What will she do with it? Chuck bought a hotel and rented out the penthouse so he and Blair could colour together, and Scott nearly outed himself as the Secret Love Child! Oh, and we’re still dealing with Serena dropping out of Brown before starting.

And in an episode called “Dan de Fleurette”, I’m guessing we’re going to see flower power judging. I hope there is no threesome involved. We still have that coming up. Will this be the episode?

Oh. Great. A Jenny episode. And one where she establishes herself as “Queen” of Constance which Blair left to her. “Nervous subjects ‘twitter’ and ‘tweet’” according to Gossip Girl. Are they trying to be meta again? read more

The Lost Boy. Episode 3×03.

Last week, Dan and Georgina began some sort of relationship, Blair found out her Queendom wasn’t going to transfer to Hipster NYU, and Nate had a lot of sex with Cheyenne from Reba. What will Van do if he finds out? Oh, and Serena decided to defer Brown for a year to sex up Carter.

Is this week the big promised THREESOME? WTF!?!? Watch this fall and what the fuck!

Blair learns what a sock on the door means. Georgina is getting FRISKY.

vlcsnap-2015-05-01-13h32m29s175  Blair: I’m wearing a glove and still want to wash my hands!…don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey! read more

The Freshmen. Episode 3×02.

Gossip Girl here. Last time, we spotted our gang at a charity polo event, because those are where all the kewl kids hang these days. Chuck and Blair played games, and Serena had Daddy Issues and Wardrobe Malfunctions and Carter Baizen. Nate is dating his family’s enemy’s heir CHEYENNE from Reba while Vanessa is dating Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD, who is a LINCOLN HAWK FAN. Stretching reality is always in fashion on the UES.

Hey Jesus, it looks like the bitch is back. GEORGINA SPARKS EVERYONE. read more