Pilot Episode. Welcome to the Upper East Side, bitch.

The pilot begins with a teenage girl (Serena) looking SO thoughtful outside the train window. Now, why would SERENA deign to ride the train when her mother has about 37 rich guys paying her alimony is the first question of many the show inspires.

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In the first minute and a half, Gossip Girl, the invisible blogger who knows everything about everyone who is anyone, explains that she has been sent a tip that Serena (S.) is back in New York. We are then introduced to the Humphreys, Dan, Jenny and Rufus, who is a bit sad that his wife is on a time-out from their marriage. Their hair is not so bad at the moment. It will get worse. By minute 1.38, Rufus has already said he’s been cooking, establishing character.

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“Spotted. Lonely Boy. He can’t believe the love of his life has returned. If only she knew who he was.” This is sent around in two seconds to all the smart phones of 2007.

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What does Blair Waldorf think?

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“We always thought Blair’s boyfriend Nate had a thing for Serena.”

Blair is first seen being criticized by her fashion designer mother, Eleanor, who looks a lot like Tea Delgaldo from One Life to Live and General Hospital. Eleanor says that Blair should not wear her designs if they are not properly fitted.

Then we meet Nate and his father, The Captain (of what? Captain Underpants? Captain America? El Capitan?). Mr. Archibald, look at Nate.

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Is this the face of someone you think can get into Dartmouth even with your money? You might be better off looking at a community college in Jersey. We won’t let it get out on the Upper East Side. Nate says he wants to go to school on the West Coast. Perhaps he can go to the one they went to on Saved by the Bell: The College Years?

Then we are introduced to Chuck Bass, asking “Nathaniel” if he wants to get some fresh air and makes the sign of either smoking an illegal substance or performing a blow job. With Chuck, you can never be too sure, especially with that longing look he gives Nate when he goes into a room alone with Blair.

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Blair takes Nate in to have her way with him as the two hussies on the couch with Chuck get the text that S is back in New York, omg! But it’s okay, as Blair tells Nate she loves him, so it’s okay to get him naked at some big fancy party with a ton of bigwig Manhattanites. Nate says he loves her too, but the look in his eyes suggests that he’s praying for it to stop as he’s not exactly sure where to put it. Nate is easily confused.

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Serena crashes the party, and Eleanor stops the sex by announcing that Serena is here! Nate wants a threesome, but Blair’s not into losing her virginity that way as she’s worried about what she might catch from a VD Woodsen.

Tons of rumours about Serena abound as she looks for her mom, who is bitching about the semen stains clashing with her sofa. Nothing is ever good enough for Lily.

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Serena sneaks out to visit someone. We find out she has a brother with hair blonder with hers. This is probably why she left. Now why did she come back?

Dan is now pleasuring himself to the new pictures Gossip Girl has uploaded to the blog. Pathetic.

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Serena’s bro wakes up with bandages on his wrists. Did he try to kill himself, or are they burns from that bad dye job? Looking back, the bad hair trends actually started with Eric van der Woodsen, not the Humphreys.

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Lily wants Serena sleeping in her own bed, possibly wearing pijamas. I don’t even want to know what S wears to bed. Then Lily reveals that she has been telling everyone that Eric is staying with Aunt Carol in Miami. S. acts all offended that Lily is trying to be perfect, and Lily makes the truest statement of the show thus far: “You’ve been off doing God knows what with God knows whom.”

The Humphreys ask themselves, “Guess who’s dad is cool?” At least they know it isn’t Rufus, whose band has just made the list of Top 10 Forgotten Bands of the 90s at #9. Way to go! I hope you didn’t keep Deep Blue Something off that list.

Jenny is stuffing envelops for the “Kiss on the Lips” party so she can get invited. Loser Freshman cough cough cough.

SERENA IS WEARING THE SAME UGLY OUTFIT SHE WORE YESTERDAY! And she’s supposed to be one of the Chosen Ones on the UES? Whatever. She runs into Nate who checks her out, and S. says she has to run and change. Good. It would be a major faux pas to wear that outfit more than necessary. Anvils start dropping that SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED BETWEEN SERENA AND NATE. It definitely isn’t tutoring. They both give off vibes of not being able to pass remedial kindergarten math.

Dan runs to catch a bus with a not-at-all obvious plug-in for another CW show, Smallville. For some unexplained reason, Chuck and Nate are taking the same bus as Dan, who listens in to Chuck describing S. as “effing hot”. Chuck comments that Nate hasn’t “sealed the deal” with Blair yet, and Nate says he’s waiting for Chuck. Chuck says “C’mon” and the two exit the bus, presumably heading toward the nearest public toilet. Chuck then catches Dan staring at them and asks if Dan is following them. “Dude, I go to your school.” “Dude, you’re not following us into the boys’ room. I’d rather do it with that old Rufus Humphrey from the 9th Forgotten Band of the 90s dude.” Dan hopes they can sit together at lunch. (I know it was supposed to be sarcastic, but…I can just see them hating each other over cardboard cheeseburgers at the school cafeteria, each discussing the new sex lesson Serena has taught them.)

Sitting on the steps of the Met is  established at minute 11. Queen B is presiding over her minions and gives Minion Little J an invitation to the Kiss on the Lips party and gets annoyed at seeing her BFF Serena. They should just kiss on the lips and get that sexual frustration out of their system, especially if they want the straight male viewers. The gay male viewers are already captivated by Nate’s puppy dog eyes and six pack, or Chuck’s swarmy attitude somehow oozing out sex appeal, or the fashion.

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S wants an invite to the Kiss on the Lips party, which might just be an orgy, but Blair apologizes all passive aggressively that Jenny has made all the invites and there just isn’t any more because it’s very important to recycle so they don’t feel bad about killing the environment with all their hair care product.

Dan informs his dad about this crazy new web site called “Myspace” where he could post all the information about the Lincoln Hawk concert. Dude, I’d totally put Lincoln Hawk in my top 8.

Jenny texts Dan about a fashion emergency, as she just doesn’t know what to wear to her first orgy. They see Serena, and S introduced her brother she kidnapped from the mental ward for the day. Dan is busy looking at what dress he’ll put on for the orgy, praying Serena doesn’t see him in it. J. gives S. a secret invitation to the orgy, and S. gives Jenny fashion advice. The start of BFF.

Nate and Chuck are now smoking pot, and Chuck offers to swipe his dad’s Viagra for the occasion. Bromance forever! Nate is acting like it’s a funeral instead of having sex with Blair. Again, with the anvils for Nate and Chuck’s secret relationship. Nate wants more than the typical Upper East Side life.

BFFrenemies Blair and Serena catch up about B’s dad leaving her mom for another man while sipping martinis, despite only being teenagers. “She lost 15 pounds and got an eye lift.” Things are looking up for Eleanor. Serena wants to go back to dancing on tables with Blair. Will Blair accept?

Little J is at home sewing just like every other teenager in the 21st century.

Chuck shows up at the bar in purple, his colour of choice, and says he might have to tell his parents (PARENTS??? PLOT CONTINTUITY ISSUES ALREADY!) that the hotel they just bought is for serving S., a minor, to which she retorts “and if you get a drink, they’re also serving pigs.” They continue with this sexual banter a while, making me wonder if they’re about to make a Cruel Intentions style bet.

Nate arrives home to THIS

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Nate reacts by not kissing her back and says “there’s something I need to tell you.” It’s okay to be gay, Nate. Really. Just remember, Chuck Bass gets around so have your daddy invest in Trojan or Durex so you don’t have to worry your pretty little head.

Speaking of Chuck, he tells S. he knows that she did the nasty with Nate

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cut to a reaction shot of B. “But I thought you were going to come out! I mean, everyone knows about you and Chuck. But SERENA? WAIT, you did MORE than kiss Serena? Have you been tested?”

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Blair tells Nate to get out as Chuck tries to get in Serena, but S. took karate and knows how to knee him and walks away.

After jogging, The Captain refuses to let Nate break up with his girlfriend since kindergarten as he wants to make a deal with his mother. About Eleanor’s company, not a sex deal. I’d say get your heads out of the gutter, but the show is already establishing that this needs to be explicitly stated.

Dan returns Serena’s phone, which the desk clerk accuses him of stealing, as no way would someone like S. be caught dead around anyone from Brooklyn. Lily’s mom bought S. a new dress for the Kiss on the Lips orgy, which S. says she isn’t going to as she prefers to devirginize the Westboro Church. S never backs down from a challenge. Lily doesn’t believe her, so she says she has plan with Dan, which Lily also doesn’t believe. They’re going to see LINCOLN HAWK. Lily decides to keep the dress for herself.

FYI, S. Dan can be and is worse than the guys you do know.

Nate is cursed with bad hair for his apology to Blair scene. Since he paid for the Cold War Kids to be played over lunch, Blair forgives him for the hair as long as he doesn’t see S. again.

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Turns out Lily knows Rufus and Lily thinks he’s after her again, as why else would S. and Dan meet? Lily reveals an affair with Trent Reznor, which I’m sure Trent was as shocked to learn about as the fans. Lily got around in the 90s though. And the 80s. And the 00s. And presumably the 010s.

Lily asks Rufus to stay out of her life. I wish the Humphreys would stay out of everyone’s life and be banish to a network with less ratings than the CW, like NBC. Rufus then tells Jenny she looks like a woman, but not just any woman, her mother, and consents to allow her to go to her first orgy.

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Blair puts on purple, which her mother disapproves of as it’s not the dress she had picked out for B, and thinks B. needs more product in her hair and will never be as thin as she is right now.

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Before                                               After

The orgy begins, and Chuck sees something that fancies his eye. Jenny Humphrey. A true nobody who isn’t even on Gossip Girl! He introduces himself. Gossip Girl wonders if Little J will end up with a boyfriend or if C. will end up with a new victim. Surely Chuck won’t lower himself to date someone from BROOKLYN.

S. feels overdressed.

 

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I don’t know, looks exactly what a Brooklyn Hooker would wear to me. S. informs Dan it’s a date, so he probably should expect to pay up if he wants her to put out. He then tells S. that he is surprised she’s nice as he previously thought she was just hot. Dan Humphrey knows how to score with the ladies. He gets a text from Little J. who is in an emergency with some guy named Chuck. S. knows this is trouble with a capital T.

S. enters the party, and the gossip starts. Who the hell is with her? How much did he pay her? Etc.

B. finds out about S.’s party crashing when her minions receive a Gossip Girl blast that S. is at the party. It may only be 2007 on the show, but already the cell phones are telling us information that our own eyes cannot.

Chuck has Little J. up on the roof, just seconds away from raping her. Dan and S. get there just in time after they find his scarf. Dan doesn’t know the code, that scarf means that Chuck is committing crimes. My question is, look at Chuck Bass. He could easily get any woman he wanted, and almost any man (some guys just won’t turn no matter how much alcohol you give him). Why is he trying to force Jenny into something? I just don’t get it. It didn’t make sense then, doesn’t make sense now. This point is one of the most divisive points in the show’s history. Can and will Chuck redeem himself after this point?

Dan gets mad that Chuck STILL doesn’t know his name (Team Chuck here. Dan’s not worth knowing) and punches him, hurting his hand more than Chuck’s face. S. also pushes him, and Chuck calls her a slut. There are much more classier names for Serena that Chuck could have used. Hussy, tramp, loose woman, her mother’s daughter, etc. But slut works.

S., Dan and Little J leave the party and everyone stares. Dan wants another date, and S. says she’ll discuss prices in the cab. Blair says she hopes she doesn’t see S. again (some friend!), as Chuck says he hopes he does.

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Spotted: S making a heroic exit from B.’s party. Too bad for her there’s school on Monday. So until next time, you know you love me. XoXo. Gossip Girl

Serena Sex Partners: 1
Serena I Love You: 0
Rufus Humphrey Breakfasts: 1
“I’m Chuck Bass: 0

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