The Wild Brunch. Episode 1×02

The second episode opens with a quick recap of what happened in the pilot. Serena returned from boarding school without buying souvenirs for any of her friends (Blair really wanted a vibrator to prepare herself for Nate and his wooden acting). Nate was worried S. had brought him back chlamydia.

Dan was cool with the lack of gifts as S. didn’t know him, so S. agreed to go out on a date! And Chuck tried to violate Little J. After the 2:20 minute recap, Gossip Girl says we’re just dying to see what happens next.

Yeah, I can’t breathe and my heart has stopped out of anticipation to see if S.’s friends forgive her for lack of souvenirs and vibrators from boarding school.

In case you’re wondering what GG is doing up so early, it’s for product placement.

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Ohhhhh, it’s because GG didn’t go to sleep. She’s too excited for brunch at Chuck’s father’s hotel. That is really New York. Everyone is invited, unless you’re a nobody. Yep, you guessed it. The Humphrey’s were not invited. They are BROOKLYN, not Upper East Siders. They have Rufus to cook for them.

Jenny is okay. She really is. She’s okay. And she looks it too. I just hope she never gets a horrid haircut and bad makeup, and I hope the actress (Taylor Momsen, not Penn Badgley, unfortunate actor name placement alert…) doesn’t start throwing temper tantrums on set, as that would be a shame.

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She has already learned that Chuck Bass never wants to “just talk”. Little J also wonders if her brother Dan Dan is okay, since she knows S. has a reputation for going all the way on first dates and Dan didn’t even get a kiss on the lips (despite the fact they just attended the party). Just a cutsey little wave goodbye that S. usually reserves for those nights she does coke with the wrong guy and pretends she doesn’t know him the next morning. Dan nearly gets out of the taxi into incoming traffic when S. slams the door on his head. He wonders if he might be brain damaged. Brain damage does explain a lot.

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Eric, S.’s little brother, wearing purple, helps S. deal with only waving her hand and not her naughty parts. S. is growing up.

Dan and Little J. discuss how he has no dignity. I can’t make this ish up! She then tells Dan if he’s going to get a second date with S., he’s going to need 1. a better outfit 2. a shower and 3. a box of condoms.

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SERIES FIRST. Episode 2, minute 6:15, S. says “The last thing in my life is a new guy.” You actually believe her when she says it too. Very convincing. Fool us once, shame on you, fool us twice, shame on me, fool us 9382928 times, shame on the writers Josh Safran cough cough cough.

S. doesn’t understand why Blair was mean to her. I don’t know, you slept with her boyfriend? That tends to piss people I know off.

Another series first? DOROTA, Blair’s maid! Just a quick glimpse of her cleaning up as Blair and her minions (not the official Mean Girls yet) discuss how S. better not show her face and Blair would NEVER be mad at her minions as she knows THEY would never do that. Blair hopes Nate comes to the brunch as he’s her boyfriend and they’re in WUV.

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Yeah, Nate looks ready for brunching all right. Chuck apparently made Nate sleep on the couch. He doesn’t care about his own dad’s brunch as he has a random hussy in bed with him.

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Wait, two hussies. And all teenage rich boys wear these pijamas to bed after their “Dan punched me so I couldn’t get JENNY HUMPHREY of all people so I’ll just have a threeway” threeway.

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Even his robe is purple.

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Nate turns down the offer for sloppy seconds, although he’d gladly accept Chuck’s offer to shower together if Chuck would only ASK. Instead, he orders coffee and lots of water. Hungover much?

Chuck refuses to strangle Nathaniel or anyone else with his scarf, saying that its his signature and he doesn’t want to get it stained as he remembers what lengths Monica Lewinsky had to go through.

Little J. says Dan’s new ensemble makes him look like second shot material. Not sloppy seconds though, as someone would have to stoop low enough to sleep with him. Even S. has her standards.

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Rufus is upset that he can’t make waffles (is that a metaphor for something?) as the Loser Siblings are leaving the house. He makes really good waffles! They’re leaving the house and missing his waffles!

GG goes into commercial break (or fade to black on DVD) with a tease about what’s on the menu! Scandal! Fights! Gossip material for her column!

Lily, for once, is holding something other than a wine glass while criticizing S. for not having unpacked and for not wanting to go to a party as S. loves parties. Next, Lily informs us that the sky is blue, New York has a lot of people, Justin Bieber gives Canadians a bad name, and that she’s a big fat cold hypocritical bitch (oh, sorry for the spoilers for new watchers. Lily is a big fat cold hypocritical bitch. It’s her character. And she usually is holding a wine glass while being one.)

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Lily tries to be a good parent by finding out if S. had fun. S., embarrassed at the fact she went on a date without putting out, tries to steer the conversation away.

Nate and Lily compliment each other on their ensembles.

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Lily says S. has always had a crush on Nate (thanks, Mom!) but Nate and Blair make the perfect couple. PROPPER! PROPPER! Nate and Blair need propping already and it’s only the second episode! Do we all agree that Nate and Blair are the perfect couple? The root for couple? The Zach-and-Kelly of the show? Okay! Got it! Nate and Blair are the perfect couple! However, Nate is just going to have to get in line to see S. It’s early, so there’s only one person in front of him. Later on, the line to take a ride on S. gets quite long.

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Lily leaves Nate and Dan alone to deal with their homoerotic tension.

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Blair reminds S. that she did not invite her over, and her traditions no longer involve croissants and Breakfast at Tiffany’s, having moved on to My Fair Lady and reading the New York Times.

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S. is totally amazed, as she is struggling to finish Green Eggs and Ham (the original version and not the already-classic Sarah Palin remake). Blair then tells S. she knows Nate is notch #927 on S.’s bedpost and that “I always knew you were a whore. I never took you for a liar too.”

Team Blair.

Little J. returns Blair’s calligraphy pens, and B. says that is the lamest excuse she has ever heard, even more than the “But Nate tripped and it just fell inside, REALLY!” S. just gave her. Chuck has said nothing about Jenny, as I mean, if your brother punches a guy in the eye for trying to rape you, the guy is tots going to call you the next day to ask you to crochet.

Spotted.

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Lily (I’m not clear about her last name at this point since she changes husbands the way most people change underwear) in Brooklyn, worried about being tied down and tattooed. Rufus is tickled pink Lily remembers that night and asks her which tattoos she still has. Rufus also remembers Lily likes her Americanos with an extra shot (of whiskey, I’m sure.)

Spotted

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Already in Episode 2, Rufus has started the downward trend of Humphrey Hair. It only goes down from here, good hair lovers. And even Lily snarks at seeing it, “I don’t know why your wife left you.”

It’s not the waffles, dude. It’s the bad hair. She’s afraid of it catching.

Rufus asks if Lily is seeing someone, and when she starts being coy, Rufus wonders what the rest of us are. “Is he married?” Lily remains coy.

Dan gets nervous when Nate refuses to tell him S. sex tips as Nate feels S. will never go for him. Nate then gets super excited when he hears “Nathaniel” and sees his boyfriend Chuck has arrived. Chuck says “Him?” when Nate asks for a threeway. Chuck tells Dan to “wait on the curb with the rest of the trash.” Is there another garbage strike? Dan says he lives in Brooklyn, “not the Ozarks, no offense to the Ozarks.” The show just snarks itself.

Little J. fawns over Blair in several outfits, and Blair admits she doesn’t know Dan from a Cabbage Patch Doll and is shocked that S. is now sleeping with Cabbage Patch Dolls. I guess she ran out of real men? Blair then gives Little J. a dress, knowing that Little J. is going to owe her big time later on.

S. finds Dan giving himself sobriety tests, and Dan tries to make himself endearing and adorable while coming off like a stalkery ass, saying that he was just 70 blocks away in the neighbourhood, hoping S. is hungry. S. has a voracious appetite…for sex. Lily interrupts, reminding S. that she has a brunch to go to. Lily tries to exert parental authority to get S. to go to a brunch. Letting your teenage daughter drink and sex up her best friend’s boyfriend at a wedding, well, Lily just can’t be arsed to parent that. But when there’s a brunch, Lily is there to bribe her daughter to go. Lily “NotSureOfHerLastNameThisWeek”, Mother of the Year.

S. takes Dan to the brunch, and the two dress very inappropriately for the occasion. I mean, this is the Upper East Side. Nate has on a tux. Chuck has on a white tux. And they wear this:

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Rufus tries to be a supportive father by saying that the dress Little J. made for herself was much better than the one Blair just gave to her, but Little J. laughs, saying “That’s why you don’t wear dresses.” Is this foreshadowing?

Bart Bass knows brunch.

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Dan and Chuck share that look from across the room.

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We meet Chuck’s father, Bart Bass.

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So far, we’ve seen Lily look down on Serena, Eleanor look down on Blair, and now, of course, Chuck isn’t good enough for Bart.

Blair tries to make matronly ensembles a thing. Throughout the series, B&S try and fail many matronly ensembles.

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Wait, Nate’s not going with the tux?

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Oh! Oh! Now Captain Crunch is trying to introduce people to Nate so he can get an internship (like Monica Lewinsky?) It’s quite obvious that The Captain is the Captain of Breakfast cereals. I guess Nate also disappoints his father by not going to Dartmouth.

Chuck gives Blair the key to his suite to surprise Nate.

Chuck: I’m honored to be playing a small role in your deflowering.
Blair: You’re disgusting.
Chuck: Yes, I am.

Chuck later wonders just when is the appropriate time to ask for a threeway. Speaking of threeways, when the endgame couple ends up in the suite, turns out S. is already there. GG asks “will it be a threeway or D-day?” Again, the show is already ahead of me of snarking itself.

S. I’ll go. Let you guys get back to your quickie.
B: It wasn’t a quickie. Sex is actually kind of a big deal for some of us.
S: Oh yeah? Chuck’s bed? Very romantic. Classy, too.
B: Oh yeah, classy. I bet your new friend Dan would love to hear all about how classy you are.

CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! No such luck. Blair takes the high road and leaves.

Dan then finds out just who Lily’s next target is. Lucky him, it’s NOT his daddy!

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Lily: I don’t really appreciate your lurking in the shadows and eavesdropping on my private conversations.

Hi, pot! I’m Lily and you’re a whore!

We get our first scene of the five main characters (Serena, Blair, Nate, Chuck, and Dan) together, and Chuck says he admires S. for sleeping with her BFF’s BF. Blair thought Dan should know before he falls for S. and gets left alone with his Cabbage Patch Kid. Is that a new kink I haven’t heard about? I don’t even want to know.

Dan then pushes Chuck into a dessert cart for saying “so little time, so many sluts to defend…” Little J isn’t a slut. S. is a slut. Whichever one Chuck was insulting, Dan actually had reason to be miffed.

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Everyone is SHOCKED. SHOCKED! This is what happens when Brooklyn hipsters cross the bridge. Gossip Girl herself says “Some might call this a fustercluck, but on the Upper East Side, we call it Sunday afternoon.

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S. tries to explain, but Dan walks off in a Humphrey Huff. They then miss each other looking back. Oh will these two kids just get together already so Dan can make his first visit to the STD clinic?

I have lost count of how many times Dan has said “it’s fine” this episode. It’s fine.

Blair tries to forgive Nate.

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GG: Serena’s mystery man is a mystery no longer. His name is…oh, who cares? Now that he and S are over, so are his 15 minutes….it looks like the ultimate insider has become an ultimate outsider. It’s your move, Serena, and you know who’ll be watching. Gossip Girl.”

Also, the pedestrians of New York, as Serena is trying to walk and look at photos on her 2007 smart phone at the same time. When she can’t do it, she throws the phone away. New York is safe…for now.

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Until next time, you know you love me. XOXO

 

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