Poison Ivy. Episode 1×03.

As I’m rewatching the early days of Gossip Girl, I realize just how good the show actually was before Vanessa showed up. In general, the first two seasons are actually good, and the first half of season 4 is DIVINE. However, Season 3, most of Season 4, Season 5 and Season 6 aren’t so much.

Another two minute recap. I mean, this is only the third episode. I guess since the show is as complex as a Russian novel we must need reminded that Serena went to boarding school and did not bring back souvenir vibrators again, that Blair is miffed that Serena slept with her boyfriend, that Dan is a loser and wants in Serena’s panties as he’s the only one in a tri-county area that hasn’t been…

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Glee ripped off this glee-club version of Fergie’s “Glamourous” as Gossip Girl informs us that these parents expect a lot of their children, which means Ivy League schools. Yes, it’s Ivy Week on the UES, whereas every other school just has College Week.

Dan shaves his non-existent hipster beard

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and Chuck wears this

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and viewers are shocked to learn that these kids really do go to high school. The girls go to Constance Billard’s, and the boys go to St. Jude’s. The two schools are going to have a mixer, and with any luck, we can get a West Side Story dance out of it!

Dammit, no waffles, just cereal. Rufus is slacking. And just why is everyone else at morning assembly and the Humphrey unsavvy siblings are still eating cereal in Brooklyn? Guess it was just a flashback as we here a flash forward to the future sound and see Dan Dan at the assembly.

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Worst idea ever on the part of GG. Don’t promote this guy.

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Captain Dartmouth wants his son to go there, but Nate wants to go to USC. Captain Dartmouth has Nate’s future planned out. Dartmouth, law school, Blair. Nate wants USC, university dropout, the good medical marijuana of California and doesn’t know if Blair would be a good beard or not when he would have Taylor Townsend on the West Coast.

Blair is to announce the charity they will honor this year at the mixer. Will it be Fashion for the Poor? The Audrey Hepburn Society? Habitats and Hotels for Humanity? Haircuts for Humphreys? I’m getting ahead of myself here. The Not-Mean Girls wonder where Serena is, and Blair gets bitchy. Serena hasn’t been on time for school since kindergarten. Oh, and B. is still at S. for tripping and landing on Nate’s penis.

Blair tells Dorota all about her dreams of Yale, establishing a character trait and dream. Remember this dream, Blair.

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S. arrives late after spending the night with her brother (in a non-incestuous way. Even Serena has her standards), and she wonders if Lily “has one maternal bone in her body.” The answer is no, unless by maternal you mean sleeping around with rich potential stepfathers to add to the list of alimony payers instead of getting an actual job. S. says she’s interested in Brown (so she can escape to a place where no one knows her and has plenty of fresh boys to devirginize), and Lily says she didn’t think S. had time to think about college. She knows her daughter has boys, boys, boys on her mind as S. is her mother’s daughter through and through. Lily then leaves the motherly advice of taking a cab instead of walking. S. listens.

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Dan, being the ever so clever guy he is, mistakes S. asking if it’s over as their relationship and NOT the morning assembly. Blair sees S. and offers us this gem.

Blair: Too bad you missed the assembly. Not that it matters. Brown doesn’t offer degrees in slut.

This would be the perfect opportunity for a crossover with the O.C. Summer and Cohen could show Serena all around Brown, and if Dan stalks her there, Summer could always just say “Ew”.

During P.E., the girls play lacrosse, and Blair finds an opportunity to foul Serena. This turns into a borderline catfight until Blair fakes an injury and gets S. kicked out of the game.

Hey Upper East Siders, we hear World War III has just broke out and it’s wearing kneesocks. Choose your side, or run and hide. We have a feeling this one’s to the death.

#TeamBlair.

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Dan tells the biggest lie of the series thus far to the Dartmouth guy, saying he has learned integrity and consideration. I call BULLSHIT. He then has the nerve to say Dartmouth has been dreaming of him. That does explain the increase of funding to the psychology department…Nate says it would be an honor but that he’s not sure that Dartmouth is his first choice. And Chuck gives the best argument about why he should be chosen.

“I’m Chuck Bass.”

This marks the first time he says those three words together. It’s far from the last. Ed Westwick never fails to deliver these lines without the mix of sexiness and cockiness that make the character that should be so damn hateable compelling and must-see.

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And the winners are?

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These two would make a cute couple, but not as cute as Chuck and Nate.

 

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I digress. Dan states he’s second in class but Nate’s family donates money so it’s completely fair. It’s fine. No, really, it’s fine. Nate says that Dan knows nothing about his family. Neither do viewers, yet. Dan says to pick up the book The Petting Zoo, which just reminds me of Julie Cooper wanting just one little stripper and not the book of a Dartmouth Man. The O.C. and Gossip Girl do seem to take place in the same universe (same producers) although they never really crossed paths.

Blair receives Queen Bee treatment for her fake injury

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when she gets a call from Chuck Bass, in purple, who says “I am a bitch when I wanna be.” Take that as you will. B. wants him to find out the real reason why S. is back. I’m going to guess that it has something to do with an outbreak of syphillis at the boarding school.

Again, GG does the work for me when Dan says that Nate had an original thought last year “but it died of loneliness.” Rufus interrupts his cooking to console his son about not being an usher. How soon will he be “fine”?

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“But WHERE are the pictures? Why are there two-syllable words?” (Yes, he’s in purple.)

Chuck follows S. to the Ostroff Center, which is not the STD clinic but a “center for the disturbed or addicted.”

Blair: You must have your own wing.
Chuck: You don’t get nearly enough credit for your wit.

Blair kicks him out when he starts admiring her bed, but he says she can repay him another time. Watch out Blair. Chuck is to kinky as Serena is to slutty.

VD Woodsen family meeting at the Ostroff Center. Eric wants out, but Lily doesn’t want to, as he’s “staying with Aunt Carol” and she might have to do something parental. She has enough on her hands trying to get S. to shake off the hangover to go to school every morning and cannot handle TWO kids at home!

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Lily is overruled when S. invites Eric to the Ivy League mixer, of which Lily is the chair of. S. and Eric try to stifle a laugh when Lily calls herself a “responsible mother”. If the show had a laugh track, we’d be hearing HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA for the next two minutes.

Rufus goes down to talk to the school about why Dan isn’t an usher, and he runs into Lily, who is as always, happy to see Rufus.

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Next thing we know, Dan will see his name on the program as a proud member of the refreshment committee. I guess it’s up to the viewer’s imagination what Rufus did to get Dan that part. Oh. Damn. Rufus will play at the event. Here’s hoping he does a cover of “Eenie Meanie Miney Mo Lover”, but unfortunately that song hadn’t been written yet.

The Van Der Woodsens

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Always classy, Dan

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Blair pulls off yellow

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S. tries to sabotage Blair’s meeting with the Yale representative, then offers him a drink, which is S. code for “from my lady parts”. S. will do anything for a friend. Blair goes off to yell at Chuck for allowing it to happen, but he introduces her to none other than Dr. Ostroff.

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Nate tries to suck up to Darthmouth Guy saying he liked the book, but when the writer says the word “epilogue”, Nate gets confused as this is a big word.

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It’s the start of a beautiful friendship

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Although Little J. wonders why Eric is saying he’s been to Florida, as people who have been in Florida are generally not vampire pale.

Dan tells Nate to talk about Dr. Seuss. Oh, please. The writer guy got his idea for the book from The Lorax, and he was also influenced by Faulkner. Nate’s eyes become more vacant, and Dan realizes just how dense Nate really is. Nate, being a nice guy, lets Dan take the drinks to Dartmouth Guy. Bet Nate spikes the punch so this party can get started.

I was wrong. Nate prefers to go home to his non-medical marijuana after telling Captain Daddy that he don’t wanna go to Dartmouth. Dartmouth requires a reading level higher than kindergarten!

E. tells Little J. about why he’s in Ostroff and she promises not to say anything.

Everyone applauds B.’s outfit

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as she announces that this year’s charity is NOT Fashion Victims Are People Too BUT The Ostroff Center since they have done so much to help one of the Upper East Side’s own.

Yes, SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN IS NOW CLEAN! C’mon on down, S!

#TeamBlair.

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“Hi, I’m Serena van der Woodsen, and I’m a sexaholic.” S. takes the high road and just commends B. for a good choice of charity to honor and goes on a speil about forgiveness, which Blair cuts short.

“I was a teenage drug addict” actually would be a great college essay for S. Don’t mock, Gossip Girl. They say write what you know.

Lily is miffed that B. outed S. for a problem that S. actually doesn’t have, or at least, Lily hope S. doesn’t. She knows her family so well.

S. tries to call a truce with B., but B. isn’t having it as S. is just mad that she lost. It’s going to take Prada, Gucci, Chanelle, a drunken lesbian experience or something BIG to make up for sleeping with B.’s boyfriend, S.

However, Dan is now interested once again at getting into S.’s panties and says that S. has won him over again for protecting her brother. S. says she’s definitely interested in Dan’s “getting together and not talking idea.” Sex doesn’t involve talking.

E. comes out about having attempted suicide to Blair, making Blair second guess her treatment of S. See, Blair, it’s very easy to think that S. has an addiction, but you don’t know everything about everyone like you think you do.

Rufus vows that the Humphrey last name won’t keep Dan from getting what he deserves, being tied up and beaten severely, but as Rufus doesn’t want Child Protection Services called on him, that’ll have to wait a few more years. Rufus also says that perhaps Dartmouth could be a Humphrey family affair as Jenny’s really smart and could get early admission and he himself could study music. The farther away from New York the better!

Just what kind of night did these two have?

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And why is Nate shirtless AGAIN? He’s late to run with his dad, which is a euphanism for…?

Captain Daddy has told Darthmouth Guy that Nate had foodpoisioning and left early. Must have tried Rufus’ chili…

Jenny interrumpts an intriguing game of solatiare. Apparently Saturday mornings Lily gets massages, much more important than visiting a son in the mental institution after his suicide attempt. No wonder Eric doesn’t want to go home.

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I don’t know which is more unbelievable, the fact that Serena is reading or the fact she is wearing that hat.

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At least it’s purple.

Blair reads the letter she wrote to S. while S. was at boarding school (I just realized that “boarding school” probably means “brothel” in Lily speak) about her father leaving her mother for a man and how much she missed S. The two hug it out and make up.

Spotted: Two white flags waving. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be far off? So what will it be, truce or consequences? We all know that one nation can’t have two queens. What will happen next? Time will tell. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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