Dare Devil. Episode 1×05

So those of you who are watching for the first time might be wondering why S. is such a slut, why on earth would anyone like Chuck and other questions. We’ll find out later in the series. It’s sorta hard to watch with a fresh mind, but at this point in the series I loved all the characters. It ended with me hating all of them, except Eleanor and Dorota. I will do my best not to give spoilers, but at the same time, I may allude to things veteran viewers will know are coming. So that’s my little disclaimer. I also want to say this was one of my favorite shows, even through the bad seasons, and I know there are other blogs out there (Hi Vulture!) who did this while the show was on. But it’s nice to look back with a bit of nostalgia and a bit of knowledge that I can mock the Humphreys and Serena vd Woodsen once again.

Gossip Girl here, and OMG, Serena is back from the brothel! I mean, seriously, I know the writers have short memories but they should give the viewers credit to know that Serena has returned when this is the fifth episode and we’re still seeing recaps of the first episode.

It’s time for the annual event Upper East Siders love! No, not Fashion Week! No, not the week the sailor boys are in town (well, that might be Serena’s favorite time). No, not Free STD test week. It’s time for Blair’s annual sleepover!

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This is a very serious event.

Dan has emptied his Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle piggy bank so he can call himself a man. I can’t make this ish up. Dan, don’t worry, you will never be able to call yourself a man. But Serena might know a doctor that can help you out.

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Dan has a six-pound plan to take Serena out. Did he lift a six-pound weight at the gym? Is he spending $9.81 (today’s conversion rate from American dollar to pound)? I mean, even S. isn’t that cheap. Did he raid Nate’s stash? Is he going to kill a cat? What is this plan?

Dan Dan advises pop pop not to go see mommy in Hudson, probably because mommy has had enough of the Humphreys and found herself a real man who can spend more than $9.81.

How the hell does S. get away with wearing this as her uniform? (I know, special favors.)

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S. wants to know Dan’s plan so she knows what slutty outfit to wear. Jenny explains t-shirts and jeans are fine.

Jenny: The Humphrey men do Casual Friday every day. #truetruth

Eric is supposedly coming home, but knowing Lily, instead of asking questions about Eric’s departure from Ostroff, she’s probably asking him on a date and telling him the things she’d do, explaining that if she’s too old S. would also do them and they both do yoga hint hint.

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Uh oh, our conflict of the episode to split up BFFrenmies is that S. has the date with Dan Dan on the same night as Blair’s sleepover, and as Miss Waldorf says herself that S. is going to get drunk and moon NYU students. S. says that she doesn’t need alcohol to do that, that she is changed, and she’s going to go to Brooklyn to play Jenga completely sober.

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Serena, when there’s a Waldorf soiree, there’s nothing else in the social calendar….I am not a stop along the way, I am the destination.

Blair is a bit miffed, so she decides to invite Little J, and the pool begins on just how long she’ll last. The blondes we’ll never see again have 50 dollars on an hour.

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Lily explains that she’s not ready to be a parent to two teens so Eric won’t be going home after all.

Dan and S. obviously have different ideas for the evening. S. asks Dan to watch, I mean talk, as she changes. Lily walks in just as S. takes off her bra.

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Lily, afraid that the day will come when she has to parent two teens again, took some time for retail therapy. Obviously more important than parenting. Lily has her priorities straight.

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Lily: You’re not wearing that with that, are you?

Dan is NOT cool enough to have a Vespa. S. hops on a Vespa as if it were a penis and then gets embarrassed when my hypothesis proves right, Dan is not cool enough for a Vespa. Dan used the six pound bag of coins for a driver.

Dorota! Also, Jenny has come prepared!

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Gossip Girl: Here’s an inside tip, Little J. The faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.

Oh God help us, Dan has taken S. to a French restaurant and is trying to pronounce the French names of the food. He orders chicken as S. goes for lobster. That bib they’re going to give you will totally clash with your dress, S. She immediately goes to the loo (even though S. said “restroom”, I can’t imagine someone as posh as her going to the “restroom”) to “freshen up” which is Serena code for “hope there’s a straight boy cruising”. Dan asks the waiter and finds out his $9.81 is not going to cover Serena’s $78 meal.

Too Beyonce
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Too Mary Kate
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Too Hannah Montana
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 Just right.
(For a Brooklyn Lady of the Night)
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Blair: It’s a party, Jenny. Either swallow that, or swipe your Metro card back home. Just to make things clear, she’s talking about a martini, although it does bring the question: Has Blair even gotten that far with Nate yet? The game of Truth or Dare begins! When Little J. finds out that the dare’s include kissing girls and not eating whole bags of marshmellows, she goes truth. (Veronica Mars reference, perhaps? Did Veronica move to the UES to gossip about lives after the show ended?)

“Have you ever thought about wearing horrible makeup and getting bangs, Little J.? We hope not. Totally not you. You look great just the way you are!”

Rufus calls his ex-wife only to have a hot guy answer the phone. I think your marriage might be in trouble. Either that, or this is the worst phone sex ever.

S. took care of the check earlier. Insert “sexual favors” snark here. She wanted a date with Dan, not the date Dan thought she wanted. Obviously.

Blair dares Little J. to break Eric out of Ostroff. This could get interesting, seeing as most of the characters could use some time at the rehab center. It looks like Nate and Chuck are missing this episode. I can only imagine what the epic bromance is doing this week. (A real Lost Weekend with lots of lube.)

Blair distracts the nurse by talking about her caffeine problem. (Along with a few other pills Jessie Spano would never dream of thinking about saying.) FREE ERIC!

After Eric is freed, we see that the concerned parent look doesn’t become Lily,

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and she blames S. for the escape. Too bad S. left her Nokia Smart Phone at home. She calls Rufus to get Dan’s number, and Rufus asks if it’s a real emergency or a Lily Emergency.

Lily Emergencies include: Actually having to parent, having to decide whether to sign the field trip permission slip to the art museum, a sale at Barney’s when her alimony from husband 16 is two hours late, they are out of vodka, the rocker she says she slept with is suing her for defamation of character.

Blair gets hit on by a scuzzy dude so J. dares her to make out with him. How freshman, Little J. How freshman.

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Blair takes his phone and dares Little J. to call Scuzzy Dude’s girlfriend, Amanda (Huginkiss?) . Little J. does, officially inducting her into the Bitches of the Upper East Side Training Program.

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S. looks at home in whatever midwest dive bar Dan Dan has taken her.

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S and Dan nearly kiss until his pocket starts vibrating. “Shit! That’s where I hid Blair’s vibrator I brought her from the brothel! Oh dammit, it’s just Rufus calling. Where the hell did I put it? No Dan, no change of plans. I like this plan of you teaching me angles.”

Lily: Either Dan Humphrey is an alias or your son is not very popular. It’s the latter.

Seems no one can find Eric. Serena and Dan show up at the bar the Waldorf Soiree has ventured to, and that Amanda chick is there, looking for “Clair” (Jenny’s alias). Catfight?

Amanda: You made out with a girl from a sleepover?

Classy. Dan gets mad and gets pushed by the classy boyfriend and kicked out of the bar. Those damn Humphrey’s aren’t allowed anywhere.

Rufus and Lily are cooking, which is a euphemism for cooking. Lily admits that Eric is in Ostroff because he tried to kill himself. With a mommy dearest like Lily, do we have to ask ourselves why?

S. & B. fight over Blair’s dare to free him. Eric says he had a swell time and he hopes he can learn to knit with Jenny next time. Jenny reassured Dan Dan she knows who she is and she isn’t changing to fit in. Really. Dan consents to let her continuing her debauchery since she promises to be in bed with her Hello Kitty doll in a half hour. Too bad Blair continues her daring ways and dares Jenny to break into her mom’s store to steal a jacket from a mannequin.

And Little J. succombs to peer pressure.

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And gets caught.

Lily admits she was at a Lincoln Hawk concert as she knows the first song was about her and the second song was about his motorcycle. Like father, like son. The Humphreys have their ways with the ladies. Lily also reveals that she ditched photography for social climbing. So much character establishment in such little time.

Tit for tat. Rufus’ wife calls and Lily answers the phone. This isn’t going to end well. Rufus got hung up on. Oh no she didn’t. And Rufus, just like his son, ends the night with no kiss.

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Little J proves to be a brillaint liar when faced with the cops. She gives her name as Blair Waldorf (as Blair would wear something so tacky), that her mother Eleanor is in Paris and she has the keys to the store. It really astounds me how much I actually * like * Jenny this episode.

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S. and Dan Dan bond over their siblings, and S. mentiones that Dan hasn’t even kissed her yet! Usually by this point on the date S. has out the handcuffs.

Awwww, I hope these two kids make it.

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Rufus breaks out the vinyl when he realizes that his son got more action with a VD Woodsen that evening than he did.

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Lily expects a Mother of the Year award by taking Eric out of Ostroff, although she does complain that “she doesn’t know how it’s going to work.” Maybe she can hire a nanny? Call her mother? Read Oprah’s advice?

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A triumphant Little J. returns the keys and leaves the party after making Blair invite her to lunch on The Steps. Ummm, Blair is too sleep deprived at the moment, but I know she’s not going to take this lying down. I really love this episode for how perfectly it established Little J.’s desire to fit in and sets up Blair as Queen B. Good stuff is coming…for now.

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Word is Jenny Humphrey killed at Blair Waldorf’s sleepover. It was a debut the likes of which haven’t been seen since Blair herself. If Blair needs to watch her back, Serena’s got to keep an eye on her heart. We hear it may have been stolen by Lonely Boy. Putting out an APB, Gossip Girl.

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