The Handmaiden’s Tale. Episode 1×06.

I’ll give you three guesses to how the recap of previous episodes starts. Anyone who had “Serena’s back!” wins.

Spotted. The first time we see the blog screen capture transitioning us from the previous to the short title sequence. And the recap was under a minute! We’re getting there.

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Uh oh, there’s going to be a ball on the Upper East Side! This can only mean a few things. Lots of fashion to mock or envy. Humphrey Cinderella references. And mayhem and scandal. I hope we’re not disappointed.

Little J. is being Blair’s “handmaiden” in the title.

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Caption This.

Blair: Nate starts the night with a clue.

And she’s his girlfriend saying that! Oh, never mind. They’re discussing the scavenger hunt that will be played at the masquerade ball. The prize is Blair’s virginity card! If Nate finds her. This is risky business. It’s designed so Nate has to go to from Blair’s Ladies in Waiting for more clues, and S. will give him the last clue, which will probably be located in her very moist lady parts if we know anything about S.

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3.11 comes the Cinderella-Humphrey comparison. I called it. Predictable. But Dan Dan doesn’t know. S. knows Dan wouldn’t want to go so she hasn’t invited him. Blair thinks Dan would wear an Eleanor Waldorf designed dress to the ball if S. asked as he’s so desperate into her.

EWWWWW DAN GETS A CALL FROM VANESSA. Gossip Girl has jumped the shark 4 minutes and 44 seconds into their sixth episode. It was nice knowing ya! And even worse, she’s calling from Dan’s bedroom.

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She’s apparently some old friend of Dan, wink wink, nudge nudge. S. calls, and Vanessa wants some of Rufus’ waffles (euphemism?), leaving Dan alone for phone sex. Dan has no plans for the evening. Surprise, surprise. S. hears Vanessa in the background and asks about a threesome, but then she might get jealous of Vanessa. S, jealous of Vanessa? Riiiiight. When pigs fly. S. ends up not asking Dan to the kinky masquerade.

These two make more sense anyway. Better yet on a spinoff about Brooklyn that I don’t have to watch.

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Nate, in purple or dark blue, overhears his parents fighting.

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Chuck tries on masks for Kinky Masquerade, and Nate says his missing money from Episode 4 is all back as Captain Dishonest is moving accounts around. Okay then. Nate finds cocaine in his father’s coat, and Chuck gets excited as he thought Nate only did herbal. Nate says it isn’t his. The plot thickens between the bromancing bros.

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Blair orders her Not Mean Girls Minions to find S. a date better than Dan Humphrey. That’s like finding someone in the world more well-read than Sarah Palin. It’s time for Blair to ask her mother a question every teenage girl finds herself asking their mothers in that girl talk time.

Is it a bong, mother?

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When B. admires the bracelet the guy at the store gave Little J., she is forced to help Jenny understand she’s not invited. Blair is having all kinds of hard conversations today. Freshmen are not allowed.

Lily wonders if her dress is “Night in Tangier” enough.

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She is “relieved” to hear that S. isn’t going with Humphrey and tells S. she should be playing the field. S. has been doing that since she was 9! After having her way with all the men in 3 boroughs and starting on Brooklyn, S. just wants to settle down.

S. gets an instant message! “He’s no Dan, but I guess he’ll do.”

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Dan gets a clue from GG.

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Nate goes to S., suspecting she might know a thing or two about drugs found in parents’ pockets. S. comforts him saying that their parents did worse things than they do. Lily was around in the 80s and 90s. I just don’t want to picture it. At all. They have a MOMENT.

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Vanessa is shocked to see a Humphrey in a sports coat. We find out that Dan had been heartbroken by Vanessa. Heartbreak in Brooklyn, something no one wants to see. Then she realizes that Dan hadn’t bothered to break their movie date.

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Oooh, now Dan calls to break the date. He’s not quite such the asshole. He just lies that he has to work on a history paper. There we go. He is still an asshole.

Welcome to the Waldorfs’!

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Lily and Rufus banter, and it is supposed to be sexy and witty. It fails.

Rufus: Since when are you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a star?

Lily introduces Rufus to Eleanor. Eleanor can’t be bothered. #TeamEleanor.

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Lily is not happy that Daddy Bass has bought a hussy to the party that wasn’t her. Bass men often have more than one hussy, but Lily thought she was the only hussy in his life. Lily gives the brush-off, and Rufus buys a clue (but not from one of Blair’s Ladies in Waiting, as that would mean the story lines would intersect, which is a no-no.) Lily is using him to make Daddy Warbass jealous.

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Vanessa has a friend in the costume department so Little J. can go to the ball. That explains V.’s wardrobe.

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I have no clue who ANY of these people are!!!

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I do know the jerk who had to talk someone out of the mask as Brooklyn doesn’t have masquerades so he couldn’t get a mask ahead of time is Lonely Boy himself, Dan Humphrey. I’m not so clueless after all.

What you see is what you get, according to Gossip Girl. Most of the time. I see a loser from Brooklyn in love with a slutty UES heartbreaker, a freshmen trying too hard to fit in, and that Blair doesn’t really love Nate if she was kissing random guys at bars in games of truth or dare. The latter has yet to be explored yet.

I am thinking that Waldorf Manor Moroccan Night is not the same event as the Masquerade. Damn, that could have been fun.

Blair asks Chuck why Nate isn’t looking for her in a scavenger hunt, then gets jealous when Chuck asks who the new chick is. Jenny is so unrecognizable! He hits on her.

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In Morocco, Nate’s parents volunteer a Vanderbilt (establishing the connection) heirloom ring for Blair when Nate and Blair get engaged. Arranging marriages in the 21st Century on the Upper East Side.

How to make Bart Bass Jealous:

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Nate saves her from a dude who vacations in Newport…Beach? OC reference?

The Phantom of the Opera is not so interested in finding Blair. Where’s Chuck then?

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Jenny wants to play hide (the salami?) and seek with Chuck, as she is just a freshman. She says for him to leave her a trail of his clothes. Kinky. But didn’t he try to rape her?

S. *is* jealous of Vanessa. What the hell? Plot point and not character point! No one should be jealous of Vanessa. Speak of the devil (and not Chuck), Vanessa shows up just as  S. forgives Dan and see the kiss between Dan and Serena. Now that’s a jealousy I understand.

Dan apparently didn’t lie to Vanessa about writing a history paper, he merely “refrained from sharing the truth.” So Bush didn’t lie about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He just refrained from sharing the truth. I like that excuse. “Hi, can’t come into work today, and I am refraining from sharing the truth that my cold is fake.”

S. overhears the fight between Brooklyn Folks and that Dan had told Vanessa he loved her. Really? Dan is the focal point of a triangle? Really? Vanessa accuses Dan of “trading up.” Not sure if it’s trading up or the knowledge that if he knew where to put it, he could easily lose his v-card to Serena if he bought her a Coke.

Little J. locks Chuck on the roof in his underwear. Nice one. Didn’t we see this on every show ever?

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Lily tells Rufus the kiss made her feel “nauseous.” Rufus had been hoping for nostalgic, but Lily is nothing but honest. Well, actually, 97% of the time, she’s not even honest to be, well, honest. Rufus is dejected when the kiss worked and a jealous Bart Bass realized how much he wants inside Lily’s Victoria’s Secret.

Nice mise-en-scène.

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S. asks Little J. all about Vanessa, and Little J. says Dan Dan would go anywhere with S. except for the Ice Capades. Who can blame him? The Ice Capades is gayer than Nate and Chuck at a Cher concert. S. gives Little J. some of her clothes.

And then, of course, Nate mistakes Little J. for S. Never saw that one coming.

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He finds the real Serena who tells him to go find Blair, and Blair also mistakes Little J. for Serena until Little J. runs off, as it’s about to strike midnight and they are either doing a Cinderella homage or Little J.’s bedtime is midnight. I’m going for the latter. Wait, no, Little J. loses the bracelet, just like Cinderella lost the glass slipper. I’m giving the writers way too much credit if I think the homage was on purpose.

And then even Dan mistakes Little J. as Serena! I really hope that Little J. isn’t around when Dan looks up online where to put it and plans a special night for S…incest much?

Chuck: Little Jenny Humphrey manages to get my pants off and have me not enjoy it.

Not going to touch that one with a 30-foot pole.

Blair doesn’t give Nate her v-card after all, as he didn’t even try to find her by midnight. She is quite the pissy Queen B. Nate goes home with Chuck then for a little you know you know.

Dan can’t find S.!

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There she is!

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Dan tells S. he only likes her, and S. only likes him, at this particular second in time. S. offers to go to the Ice Capades, and Dan says he’ll go. Hanging around the Bromance Bros is rubbing his heterosexuality away.

Nate’s mommy found the drugs, and Captain Asspants is letting Nate take the blame for his drugs. Congratulations Lily! You are NOT the worst parent in the world this week! I’ll give you five minutes into the next episode to reclaim your throne.

Dan arrives home to see that Vanessa is eating in his bed. They make up, and Gossip Girl obviously can’t be arsed to deal with Brooklynites, so she doesn’t give us a witty party shot recapitulating the show for us with a montage. Oh darn.

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You know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Girl.

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