Victor/Victrola. Episode 1×07.

I wonder what this cutesy movie-name ripoff could allude to. Which character will be outed as a transvestite? My money is on Rufus.

Guess what. Serena’s back in New York! Again. Hasn’t anything else happened in the other five episodes after the pilot?

Who’s that girl? My money is on Little Jenny Humphrey. I guess I’m smarter than Gossip Girl.

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Chuck likes burlesque. Before you go with the obvious gay retort, I’m talking about actual burlesque, not that Cher and Christina Aguilera flick.

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Transvestite alert! I was calling Rufus, but maybe it’s a reference to Chuck’s secret? And who is that girl?

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Oh damn flashforward. Two days earlier…Chuck in his purple and Blair in her hairband check out a burlesque club, or “respectable stripping.” You keep pretending, and we’ll keep believing. Blair is so proud of Chuck.

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And now to the Archibalds. It has come to that point in Nate’s life that he becomes a real Upper East Side man and choose his rehab facility. Captain LiesHisPantsOff says he’ll make sure Nate will never step foot into rehab (no, no, no). Gossip Girl is a world where Captain Daddy is saying he fainted at a party and his friend offered it to him as pick-me-up to his son as an excuse.

Captain Am I Really Watching This?: I didn’t even like it!….I’ve landed the Waldorf account, but my son has landed the Waldorf.

Actually, Nate has yet to seal the deal, as Blair has been kissing strangers in Truth or Dare and Nate spends more time than Chuck than Blair, but what Captain Oblivious doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Little J. and Rufus have breakfast 21st Century style as Little J. looks frantically for her breakfast. Little J. gets excited that her daddy and mommy are talking and maybe will get back together! Vanessa enters for breakfast.

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“Dan! That’s a brick! My GOD, you suck at this! The only hard things my other 928 lovers made me feel was their “Edited by the CW censors.”

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Dan reveals he’s thinking about their male chemistry teacher during the make out session. Again, I am not making this up. They are then spotted by the paparazzi.

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#Awkwardmoment: Seeing the 14 year old you totally kissed as you confused her for Serena.

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For future reference, when buying makeup chocolates or whatever is in the box, B. prefers the gold collection. She’s not as easy as Serena.

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And then Blair goes with the continuing Cinderella references from the previous episode as she actually calls Little J. Cinderella, returning the bracelet she dropped at the ball. I guess I need to give the writers more credit. Josh Safran isn’t in charge…yet. Although I would be giving them too much credit to already have Season 3 planned out when Blair informs Little J. she doesn’t like secrets and friends don’t keep secrets…

Daddy Warbass wants to take this relationship public so all of the world can puke at the sight of them. Chuck walks in, and Lily tries to bluff her way out of it. But Lily’s floppy dress tie is crooked.

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Daddy Warbass is happy Chuck is dressed up and not for an arraignment. Could Chuck be getting into business instead of partying? We’ll see.

Blair sits down next to S. for some girl talk and is shocked S. hasn’t gone all the way with Dan. S. is shocked Dan isn’t totally horrible at things. Blair mentions that this is S.’s first real boyfriend. How nice to bring so much sexual experience to your first relationship. Dan is a lucky guy as long as he remembers the condoms as who knows what S. could give to him.

Dan has a nightmare about his first time with S. being rated by the NotMeanGirls. (I am wondering when the minions that actually earned this moniker show up.)

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He’s woken up by Daddy fighting with Mommy on the phone about if she slept with Random Artist Dude. This is what happens when you fall asleep reading the Kama Sutra.

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Captain Cat’s in the Cradle stands Nate up for their non-alcoholic drinks.

Chuck knows talent.

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Too bad this is what Daddy Warbass walks in on. He’s not impressed and tells Chuck if he wants to impress him, to get a part-time job, to get A’s in school, and stop hiding his secret relationship with Nate as it is 2007 and homosexuality is mainstream.

But do as I say, not as I do parenting always works out for the best.

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Eleanor Waldorf, Fashion Designer, chooses this outfit for Blair to look elegant. Blair is right when she says only if it was for her debut on the Mayflower.

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Captain Duplicitous (I’m running out of names to call the Captain) buys more drugs or pays for a gay prostitute. Nate sees all. C’mon, just post it to Gossip Girl, Nate.

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I can’t believe I’m typing this, but THANK GOD FOR VANESSA. The annoying neighbor pops in the window as Dan tries to get it on with Serena, and he throws her off the bed by surprise. The Humphreys know how to please a lady. And Vanessa is jeaaaallllloooouuuussss. S. and Dan almost go at it again, but Rufus arrives with breakfast. Thank you Rufus.

Spotted: Bass drunk off his ass, at the Palace bar drinking away his woes and his investment capital.

Lily is a better mother to Chuck than her own children. I love the interaction between these two. One of the best parts of Gossip Girl is this platonic relationship. But then Lily starts going on about “good parents” as if she knows something about being one. Maybe it was on Oprah? Anyway, Chuck tells Lily about the hussy Daddy Warbass had in the limo.

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Nate tells Mommy that the drugs were Captain Cokehead’s, and Mommy refuses to believe him, making excuses for Captain Has Problems.

Dan is watching porn for pointers. And Vanessa comes in, throwing Dan’s words in his face.

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Vanessa quoting Dan: Sex is art, and you don’t rush art.

I guess Serena isn’t classy enough for Brooklyn trash now.

Vanessa: I’m sure Serena knows what to do, what with her vast experiences with boarding school professors, Pamplonian bullfighters, best friend’s boyfriends…

I had totally forgotten about these first few episodes where Vanessa is somewhat likeable. #TeamVanessa. That hurt.

When Little J. tells Blair that Nate kissed Little J. at the ball thinking Little J. was S., Blair gets mad.

You’re dismissed, Jenny. For good.

Really Blair? Really?
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DOROTA SIGHTING!

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Really Nate? Blair looks beautiful in that outfit? *cough* Gay *cough*

And now Dan fantasizes about watching Nate and Serena and takes points from Nate on how to please a lady. I really don’t know what to do with this.

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Rufus acts surprised Dan is home alone on a Saturday night. Sounds about right to me. Both Vanessa and Rufus have told Dan Dan to lose the football sheets.

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The Captain’s name is Howard. Food for thought.

Eleanor Waldorf, Fashion Designer.

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Blair tries on the Vanderbilt Ring. It fits!

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Like father, like son

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Turns out Limo Hussy is a reporter writing on Daddy Warbass and is now wanting to get into business herself. Everything has an explanation. I just wonder how jealous Lily is. Jealousy becomes Lily much better than parenting.

Captain Heavyweight Champion punches his own son in front of police during an argument. Two episodes in a row, Lily has lost Worst Parent Award. She must be cooking up something truly vile. Nate allows the police to arrest his father, suggesting they check his pockets, then tips the doorman to tell the Waldorf-Archibald party that it’s Captain Went Home Sick and not Captain Don’t Drop the Soap.

Yeah, that lip is going to take a while to heal, Nate.

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Blair saw Captain Don’t Drop the Soap get arrested and confronts Nate about the Masked Ball. Looks like the two are headed toward splitsville when Blair tells Nate that his father needs him and she doesn’t. Here I thought they were going to be the Zack and Kelly of the show. I’m as heartbroken as Serena when Sailor Day is over.

Dan wants to get it on. Has he learned where to put it yet?

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Blair goes to Victrola (the burlesque) as she wants to have fun. Chuck doesn’t think she’ll dance. Blair has a thing or two to show him.

Rufus knows how to party on Saturday night.

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And Lily joins in on the fun, believe it or not!

S. realizes Dan doesn’t know where to put it, so she says she’s scared and that she’s never been with anyone who actually cared about her. I feel sorry for S. that she’s never been with anyone who cares for her…and that she is now with Humphrey. They do not have the sex. Concerned Parents can relax.

Turns out it’s Captain Embezzlement and Fraud, as the DA wants $1million for his bond. Oops, Nate’s bad.

Rufus copies from Friends.

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Jenny runs to Mommy telling her to come home.

Lonely Boy and Serena cuddle.

This Limo.

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This Girl.

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This Boy.

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Blair’s ready.

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Limo Sex.

This is the episode that made everyone fall in love with Gossip Girl. Perfect in every way, and yet making so many characters so mockable at the same time.

Also, welcome back Concerned Parents. You thought sex on the football sheets that never happened was going to be what got you riled up this week.

You know you love me, XOXO.

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