Seventeen Candles. Episode 1×08.

Gee, wonder who is turning 17 this week. What an original title.

Anyway, last episode, Blair lost her virginity in the back of a limo to CHUCK BASS, not her boyfriend Nate! Serena turned down sex to cuddle with Dan! Little J went running to Mommy, who is most likely running from her Brooklyn family! Vanessa was tolerable! Captain Breaks the Law was carted off to jail! Where will this show go NOW? Everything has changed!

FINALLY, a  previously on recap that begins with something different than Serena arriving in New York. I recapped the recap before the recap began.

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Blair, apparently Catholic, is confessing giving “her virtue to a self-absorbed ass.” Wait a minute. She lost it to Chuck, not Dan…then she confesses to not even being Catholic. I knew something was up. The priest tells Blair to not drink, keep her clothes on and to also stay away from those who could cause her to stray. Blair is sad to find that priests are “not genies” and cannot grant birthday wishes. So Blair must be the birthday girl.

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Dan and Serena have chosen Vanessa’s new place of employment to make out. Vanessa pries by not prying to find out Dan, unlike Blair and much like Little J., is still a virgin. But Vanessa has a lot of tables to wait on her first day.

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Careful, B. Hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned.

Chuck in his limo lets Blair know he really enjoyed last night. Blair informs him nothing happened and she was going to get Nate back. Chuck is torn between his brofriend and Blair now. Who does he love more? Stay tuned.

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Little J. brought home a stray, Allison Humphrey.

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Allison is cooking waffles! I thought that was Rufus’ job. Little J. has to talk Rufus into being nice to his wife. The Humphreys just don’t have a lot of manners, you see.

The Waldorfs still read newspapers.

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Eleanor is concerned about how her new business with the Archibald’s is going to affect her. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor.

Pout, Nate, Pout.

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Captain Out on Bail isn’t too worried about going to jail like his lawyer is. I mean, after all, his son is always playing Don’t Drop the Soap with Chuck and seems to like it. He is a bit miffed that Nate says to ask for a plea, as if he might be guilty or something.

Dan isn’t exactly happy to see his mother, given that he prefers his dad’s waffles and they started eating without him. How weird? He then is mad that Little J. knows Mommy Humphrey likes to diddle the neighbour. Breakfast at the Humphreys.

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S. hopes Nate can make it to B.’s party. I wonder why. She’s not getting any from Dan so she needs Nate around? Blair doesn’t mention she gave her V-card to Chuck Bass.

What a modern MP3 player, Nate.

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Bland Mom gives Nate the Vanderbilt ring to give to Blair. Nate tells her that they broke up, and Bland Mom just won’t accept that. Get her back, Natey. Pleaseeeeeeeee. He calls Blair and they get back together. Nate’s coming to the party! I bet there will be underage drinking and rich people behaving badly! And he may have gotten her one of the pieces of jewelry she had placed on hold for her!

Does she really look old enough to be Mommy Humphrey?

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She tries to make up with Dan, and Dan judges her. Dan judges as much as he’s fine. Dan is great at judging people.. He judges people more than Judge Judy. Judge, judge, judge. But he is being a petty teenager a bit too well in this scene, so guess what? Judging some more.

Chuck in jeans? WTH?

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Chuck: Look, I care about three things, Nathaniel. Money, the pleasures money brings me, and you.

The two have a heart to heart in which Chuck tells Nate to break up with Blair and out of his parents’ control. As he wants Blair for himself, or he wants to go to Vermont to elope with Nate himself. (This was 2007. Not very many states would marry those two at this time.)

Caption this.

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It’s Blair’s birthday! Let’s play Spin the Bottle and Pin-the-Tail-On-The-Donkey! Blair and Serena wonder where there menz are at when in walks Chuck Bass.

“I bet he knows where Nate is!” as if Nate were Chuck’s boyfriend and not Blair’s. Oh wait. And Dan has been with Vanessa. He wants to know why Vanessa and Serena just can’t get along. Um, because they are both in WUV with Dan Humphrey of all people. Vanessa decides to invite herself to Blair’s party. Oh Blair is going to love this like a root canal.

Chuck: If you wanted to play rough, all you had to do is ask.

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Blair wonders if Chuck likes her. He does. Maybe now that they’ve screwed in the back of the limo, Chuck can take her to the drug store and they can buy a root beer float for a nickel. Blair can wear his letter necklace and they can go steady! Nope. Blair wants the butterflies in Chuck’s stomach to be murdered. Chuck tells Blair she wasn’t that great and Nate knows more about pleasing him. Ouch.

Nate runs into Jenny debating whether to go upstairs to Blair’s party. They flirt, as Nate’s really into virgins if he can’t have Chuck.

Exactly what Blair wants, Dan.

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Mommy Humphrey tells Rufus that the neighbour slipped and it accidentally fell into her lady parts only once. Please forgive her Rufus. Pleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeeee. She really wuvs you.

After such a great episode last week, this one is turning out to be as boring as Vanessa.

Chuck tells Blair Nate’s using her to make his family look better. Chuck makes a bet that if Nate calls, he’ll leave her alone forever. But if he doesn’t….Blair gets to spend the night with Chuck. Blair refuses, but then tells Nate is going to call and Chuck is going to lose. Where could this be going?

Serena and Vanessa bond over Guitar Hero. Serena plays “Freebird”. Dan, S. likes rockers. She may go for your dad soon, Dan Dan. One of the top 10 forgotten bands of the 90s and all.

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Vanessa will go for some “cherry pie” 80’s metal, but first, she must reveal that Dan didn’t tell Serena that Mommy Humphrey is back. Uh oh. Serena is miffed. Vanessa is Dan’s confidant, not her. Dan says having a girlfriend is new to him and Serena just shouldn’t take relationship advice from Blair. Well, better Blair than her mommy Lily, who is apparently so distraught about losing Worst Parent two episodes running she didn’t bother to appear this week. Dan and S. kiss and make up.

More bonding.

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Nate realizes he has to make the breakup with Blair official (especially if he’s really in love with Chuck.)

It’s 12:01 and no call from Nate. Blair refuses to pay up, and Serena gives Blair a cake, saying that she was going to pop out of it but despite all the drinking, no one would let her pop out of a cake because she was underage.

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Blair runs off instead of blowing out the candles, as her wish hadn’t come true. So Chuck does the honors, and we all know what his wish is. (To console either Nate or Blair. He’s not picky.)

Spotted. Nate and Jenny hugging goodbye.

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The days before Whatsapp and 3G.

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Not Mean Girl One: I hope she totally gives him herpes.
Not Mean Girl Two: Yeah, he totally deserves herpes.

Who is the mystery girl? I thought Serena was the only one with herpes around these parts. Blair reveals they had broken up and there was no cheating at all. She then breaks down, and the episode suddenly gets interesting. (Yes, Safran co-wrote the script for this episode. Why do you ask?) Serena tries to comfort her, but Blair just wants to be alone. It’s her party, and she’ll cry if she want to. Yeah, I’d cry too if it did happen to me.

Nate tells his parents Bland Mom and Captain Disappointed he’s not giving Blair his ring.

The Humphrey’s are back together. To quote Summer Roberts…Ew.

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Vanessa finds it intimidating that Serena finds her intimidating, and they discuss their fears and love for Dan in a civilized way totally unrealistic for a CW teenage drama. How dare they be mature. They then skip off and braid one another’s hair and Vanessa asks S. what a penis looks like, as she’s never seen one.

Blair wants Chuck to leave her alone as she’s not in the mood.

Blair: Is that our sex tape?

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She knows Chuck all too well. But it’s not. It’s the necklace she had put on hold for Nate to get her.

Chuck: Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on someone worthy of its beauty.

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And Blair gets randy, and S. catches them. They don’t know she knows.

Spotted. B turning a year older, but not necessarily wiser. Guess Chuck’s the gift that just keeps on giving. Blow out your candles, B. This will be better in the dark. XoXo Gossip Girl

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