Blair Waldorf Must Pie. Episode 1×09.

This has to be the worst pun in the entire six season run of this show and their punny titles. I can’t even groan. Let me guess, Thanksgiving? I hope to get to see these families try to act like a normal American family on Turkey Day. Instead, we’ll probably have Serena ask Mommy for advice on which STD clinic to go to, even though she’s still in her Dan-Only phase.

Recaps remind us that Blair’s daddy left her mommy for another man. Saved by the Bell never covered this very special episode.

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It’s also interesting to note that Gossip Girl did very little to update and “improve” the site over the six-season run. That might just be the most unbelievable thing about this show. Facebook redoes the site every time someone in the world sneezes.

Oh no! Gossip Girl is trading in her laptop for Stove Top! Where will we get our fix for snarky commentary on Lonely Boy now?

Who gets wasted on Thanksgiving? Why this girl.

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In a flashback to last Thanksgiving, we’re treated to drunken (and high?) Serena wondering through traffic and Dan Dan saving her. Hey, changing the history of them never actually meeting before 8 episodes earlier to prop the TRUE WUV STORY of the show always works. Dan even tells her his name and they’ve met before. S. must have a very short-term memory. She says goodbye to Dave, barely caring that Dan dropped the pies to SAVE HER LIFE.

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Switch to 2007 today, and S. says that this could be the first Thanksgiving in a very long time that she remembers.

Blair is excited her gay Daddy (that came out wrong) is coming to visit. Serena wants to Blair to tell her how Chuck was in the sack, although even S. has standards. Very low ones (Dan Humphrey, Aaron Rose, Cristiano Ronaldo, for example). But even S. hasn’t done the nasty with Chuck. S. says she won’t judge though, as the entire field hockey team at boarding school was kind of slutty. But when S. finds out Blair had actual sex, S. judges. Awwww, she is perfect for Dan Dan. The couple who judges together stays together.

S: Tell me you didn’t sleep with Chuck for revenge.
B: Well, it wasn’t because I like his scent of Musk.

B: Are you jealous? You didn’t get to sleep with him first? There had to be somebody left on the Upper East Side.

S. gets the VD Woodsens uninvited from the Waldorf Thanksgiving. Now Lily is going to cook a meal for her family.

I will pause for adequate laughter.

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Eric: You don’t know how to cook.

I will now pause for all the “Mhmmmmm” and “#TeamEric” going on.

Lily: There’s nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving.

True, but if your name is Lily Rhodes Van der Woodsen etc. etc. etc., it’s wrong because you just don’t want to lift a delicately-painted finger(nail) to provide for your family.

Dan is also not cooking while his family does the work, and then he invites the VD Woodsens to Brooklyn EW to Humphrey Fest 2007.

Lily is SO pleased.

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Is this what Chuck sees in Blair? She likes her purple too. (Sorry. I had to.)

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Oh, look. This explains a lot. Blair’s gay Daddy is Lex Luthor. So Lex was trying to date Lois to get Superman and/or Clark Kent to notice him. He settled for the Waldorf millions. It all makes sense now.

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And Dorota is in the background of Last Year’s Thanksgiving doing all the actual work. Poor Dorota.

Blair trusts Nate to take care of Serena. Right. This Drunken Thing.

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Now Blair is indignant that her mom has hired CATERERS. However, also because her gay Daddy is no longer coming to Thanksgiving at the Waldorfs’.

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Lily is playing sick to avoid the Humphreys. Oh, darn. I was looking forward to awkward dinner conversation. Instead, she’s going to stay home and read Nicholas Sparks. Are you sure you’re faking the sickness, Lil? And even Dan Dan judges the Nicholas Sparks, but that’s because he only reads Snooty Hipster Writers like he aspires to be. He adult-naps Lily and makes her come. YAY! Awkward Dinner Conversation!

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Lily doesn’t want the kids to know that she is “friendly” with Rufus. Is that what they’re calling it these days?

Blair is complaining about her father and not the dress Mommy picked out. Again, Eleanor is a fashion designer? Dorota wisely tells Blair to call her gay Daddy herself.

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The Archibald’s have also been uninvited. It’s all about Bland Mom being uninvited to things because Captain Turkey got arrested. Nate storms off.

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Lily is so happy to see all the Humphreys. Who wants a catfight?

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Little J. accurately describes S. as the “blonde he stalks at school”.

Then Lily and Mama Humphrey pretend they don’t know each other while secretly wanting to push the other one off the Brooklyn Bridge. Quaint.

Lily and her wine glass alert!

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Mama Humphrey says “it’s fine” just like Dan Dan. Quaint.

Blair finds out she gets the uninviting gene from Eleanor, as it was Mommy Waldorf who called gay Daddy and told him not to come. “Blair is too upset over you leaving.” As if. Blair is upset that she broke up with Nate and is hooking up with Chuck Bass and liking it.

And after Eleanor antagonizes her about giving her gay Daddy’s pumpkin pie to the doorman (so many inappropriate jokes I could make), Blair takes a pie, and her problem with bulimia is revealed. I hope Gossip Girl handles this in a mature, realistic way that can help people struggling with this disease and just doesn’t gloss over it, only to be mentioned in the episode they will submit for an Emmy.

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Lil-Lil is telling all about how she grew up on a ranch in Montecito, California when S. gets a call (presumably from Blair) and rushes off. Lily then mentions her horse, Rosewood, when Little J. realizes, hey! Daddy has a song called “Rosewood!” No one ever said the Humphrey’s weren’t smart. Just annoying, judgmental hypocrites. Lack of intelligence doesn’t enter into the equation. Turns out that song might not be about Mama Humphrey after all! Awkward silence begins.

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OH MY GOD! LILY AND RUFUS KNEW EACH OTHER A LONG TIME AGO! I did NOT see that one coming! Everyone rushes away from the dinner table, a common theme this episode, leaving Lily alone with Rufus, her wine, and a smug smirk.

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At last year’s Thanksgiving, Blair has to break up a water fight in her bathroom between Nate and Serena. And she had NO IDEA that Nate had done the nasty with Serena. None! They drag her into the water fight. Hijinks ensue.

Nate looks at his phone, scrolling through the contacts, realizing that he can’t call Blair or Serena. It’s kind of heartbreaking when you need to talk to someone and have no one to call. Why hasn’t he called Chuck, who is missing this week so far?

Blair and Serena have a heart to heart about what’s going on in Blair’s life. This helps Blair.

Mama Humphrey tells Dan Dan about how much she always hated Lily and admitted that Lily was Rufus’ first love. They return home just to walk in about Rufus and Lily’s “nauseating” kiss at Moroccan Night at the Waldorfs’. More awkwardness.

Nate returns to find Captain Unconscious On The Floor. Please don’t make Chace Crawford try to emote now. He’s doing so well at looking pretty while being ANGSTY that him having to emote just might ruin things.

I smell threesome.

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Captain Worked on Thanksgiving Last Year.

Bland Mom is in denial that Captain Overdosed on Vicodin might have a problem. It’s NOT her fault.

Blair and Serena walk into AWKWARDNESS, as Eric, Jenny and Dan ponder if they’re somehow related. Incest much?

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Dan reassures S. they are not related, but they do worry about Eric’s roots. I do too, as it’s 2007 and not 1997.

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Blair finds Dan Dan’s Cabbage Patch Doll. How was this not made fun of in later seasons?

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Blair then gets excited that her family seems sane compared to the incestuous vibes of the Humphreys and VD Woodsens. I do believe the Waldorfs might actually be the sanest family on the show.

Wedding advice from Lily, in case you want to have several divorces by the time you’re 40.

“Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.”

We are now being treated to ARTSY CAMERA MOVEMENTS that may cause dizziness as Mama Humphrey tells Rufus he has to decide between her and Lily. Looking at who is on contract and who is recurring, I bet he chooses Lily!

It’s a VD Woodsen Family Thanksgiving everyone!

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Rufus tells Dan he chose Mama Humphrey…for now, to focus on the marriage. Right.

I am guessing that for a third consecutive episode, Lily loses the Worst Mother award, this week to Eleanor. I mean, let’s all shove our daughter’s bulimia in her face after lying so her father won’t visit because he prefers the company of men!

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Eleanor has to be thinking, “How does this work?”

Turns out Eleanor doesn’t want to admit that she received divorce papers. I mean, she never had any clue her husband was gay? None? At all? With his Superman obsession? Anyway, this helps bring peace between Mommy and daughter.

Nate tells Captain Druggie to get clean because the family needs him.

Another flashback to last year, and Lily is looking for her daughter, the one that has been all over New York drunk like a skunk.

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This year, we see the VD Woodsens bonding over French fries.

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Waldorfs bond over tea. I guess Eleanor figured it out.

The Humphrey’s bond playing football. Yawn.

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No Chuck and no insights from the mysterious Gossip Girl make an episode boring, but the drama of Thanksgiving made up for it this time. Let’s just not make No Chuck a habit.

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