Roman Holiday. Episode 1×11.

Are we going to Rome? Could that be what the episode name refers to? That’d be a great episode. Instead, it’s probably a lame Christmas episode. At least we have an Audrey Hepburn reference for Miss Blair.

Where is Chuck Bass? My guess, a brothel. I hope it’s not the one Serena called boarding school.

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It’s a bizarre bazaar at the private schools on the Upper East Side just in time for Christmas! Here’s a good question. This is the 11th episode about a group of high schoolers on the Upper East Side. I think we have seen them maybe twice at school in these 11 episodes. The College Week episode, Episode 3 was the one episode that took place at school. The show was constantly criticized for all the underage drinking. However, no one ever thought to criticize them for the truancy. Granted, the show would be pretty damn boring if it showed them in class, but at least we saw Harbour from time to time on The O.C.

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Serena is planning early for Humphrey Hair.

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Dan is busy judging Mother Nature for having an unseasonably warm winter when he should be judging Vanessa for this outfit like the rest of us are.

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Vanessa has submitted one of Dan’s short stories for publication in the New Yorker, whose standards have obviously been lowered. We’re establishing Vanessa slowly but surely.

Rufus is mad that he paid $32 for a taxi from Brooklyn to the UES just to have this awkward conversation.

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Mama Humphrey: I guess Lily is targeting her next millionaire.

I guess judging is a Humphrey family tradition.

Bart tells Lily he loves her and is committed to her. But not as committed to work as he is to his millions and making more millions, of course. The man has priorities. Daddy Warbass then tells Blair, surprised to see him, that Chuck is in Monaco partying it up, answering the question, “Where is Chuck?”

Blair texts him using her 2007 smart phone.

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Blair says her gay Daddy is back from Paris, and Serena says something that is supposedly French, but I think the French would be just as lost as I am about her actual words. Blair has a plan to get her gay Daddy to stay in New York as Roman is just a phase. (OH. Now a DOUBLE pun in the title. It’s Christmas, and her gay Daddy is dating a person named Ro-MAN. Rimshot. (To double the parenthesis, I’m just going to say bad word choice to follow up gay Daddy and dating with “rimshot.” The type of views this recap is going to get now…))

Blair tells S. just to get Dan a new outfit for Cedric the Cabbage Patch Doll as a thoughtful present.

Gay Daddy Lex Luther has brought his boyfriend RoMAN for the holidays! How exciting! It’s going to be a gay ole time at the Waldorf residence, but Blair is less than enthused.

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Jenny (to Dan): You got your dream girl and your story in the New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.

Please do, Dan. Listen to your sister. She gives good advice.

Mama Humphrey received a nice little romantic card from the neighbor who slipped and ended up with Mr. Happy in her Tiddlywinks ONLY ONE TIME.

Now I see that Eleanor could actually be a fashion designer. Melikey the Waldorf Girls’ outfits.

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Gay Daddy Lex Luther wants to see the handsome Nate. I’m just going to leave that one alone.

A handsome man flirts with Eleanor, according to RoMAN. Being lost in Central Park and asking for directions means flirting to the French, apparently.

Vanessa Abrams Bad Fashion Alert! (Or, if you prefer, Vanessa Abrams Is In This Scene Alert!)

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Serena bought Dan a watch so he can be on time with all the future meetings with editors, but Dan is pissy that it wasn’t a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or My Little Pony watch. He judges Serena for not knowing him. So this inspires the couple to look for real Christmas presents for each other with a $50 limit. Just buy Serena several packs of condoms. It might just be the most useful present for this girl.

Yeah, I don’t blame Mama Humphrey. Alex is wayyyyy cuter.

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RoMAN disproves the gay figure skater stereotype.

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And Blair gets a delightful text from Chuck! Mad at that and at RoMAN, she trips RoMAN. He sprains his ankle.

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Rufus and Mama Humphrey have a heart-to-heart and realize that their marriage just isn’t working. Perhaps the fact that Mama Humphrey likes hunky neighbors to trip and land inside her and Rufus has the Humphrey Misconception that a Humphrey can compete with a Bass led them to his conclusion.

Yes, Jenny. This is exactly what Serena wants. I’m so glad Dan went to you for advice.

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Blair laves a message for Chuck for him not to tell anyone about them while scheming to break up her gay Daddy Lex Luther and RoMAN by finding RoMAN’s ex-boyfriend. The Waldorfs sure know how to multitask.

Serena breaks down and asks Vanessa for help. Vanessa says a threeway is not a great Christmas present and works better for birthdays but she’ll help S. think of other ideas.

Eleanor is giddy about designing lingerie for Victoria’s Secret, and Lily gets a call from someone way too old to be in this pose.

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Lily, since she’s at the Waldorf’s, has to prove she can multitask, and does show by talking on the phone while drinking wine. She tells Rufus she’s going on vacation with Daddy Warbass. Wait, Lily won’t be with her underage children at Christmas? Lily must end the year with Worst Parent award! It’s her destiny! How dare she be expected to be a parent at CHRISTMAS when she has new millionaires to cheat out of money!

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RoMAN invited Creepy Lost Guy From Park to the party, and Eleanor is mad. She also tells RoMAN that friends don’t steal other people’s husbands.

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Now Nate isn’t picking up. Poor Blair. Being an eenie-meanie-miney-mo lover leaves you alone, Blair.

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Caption This:

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Blair then warns Vanessa that while Serena looks for the best in people, SHE looks for the truth. And the truth is that Vanessa is annoying, pointless, and a horrible dresser. Oh, I mean that Vanessa likes Dan Dan a little too much.

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Lily: It’ll just be the three of us.

Serena: Mom, any time you say it’ll just be the three of us, it just means you’re dating someone new. Whoever it is, I don’t care. I’ll go see him at the wedding.

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Lily then says she’s fucking Bart Bass. The kids doth protest.

Eric: He only has one facial expression. He scares me.

Serena: He raised Chuck. That scares me.

The Humphrey’s steal a tree, then realize that Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore.

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And RoMAN’s ex-boyfriend shows up, invited by Blair but appearing to have been invited by RoMAN. Things get awkwardly interesting.

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Mommy Dearest catches on to Blair’s scheme. As gay Daddy Lex Luther has a penis, which means it is impossible for him to see the blatantly obvious, Eleanor has to explain things as it is. Blair is miffed that her gay Daddy brought his gay lover unannounced when Blair just wanted to spend time shopping on Fifth Avenue with gay Daddy. Duh!

Lily knows that Dexter at the front desk cannot be distracted, but if the Humphreys really want to surprise S. with a Christmas tree, she can bribe the guy at the service entry. Leave it to Lily to know who can be bought and who can’t.

Who will be on Page Six tomorrow as the Worst Dressed?

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Blair and gay Daddy Lex Luther have a heart-to-heart, and Blair says there’s no room in gay Daddy’s life for her. He tells her he always has room for her. He gives her a CD-ROM full of photos of the house, including her very special room! I’m sure Blair would have preferred something from Tiffany’s. Then, right on cue, Blair sees a photo with RoMAN and a cat named Cat, just like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s!

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Serena’s gift to Dan Dan:

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Snow! And Dan gives S. the original copy of his story. On Oct. 8, 2005, Dan met a girl who only spoke two sentences to him. Stalker much? Writing a story about a girl whose two sentences were probably “I’m drunk. Wanna fuck?” just screams out stalker.

Then they fuck. Dan’s first time, Serena’s first time on the show that we see (other than that wedding tryst with Nate) but I’m sure off screen she’s been busy. Thank God the screen went to black. We all know Dan didn’t last the entire commercial break.

To quote Summer Roberts, “Ew.”

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But at least it’s snowing for real!

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Dan and Serena weren’t the only ones getting lucky Christmas Eve!

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However, Blair’s gay daddies had a cancelled flight. Eleanor deigns to allow them stay with her for the holiday, making Blair excited.

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Rufus is making waffles when Dan arrives home from his “late night putting up Christmas trees”. If that’s what the kids are calling sex these days.

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Hear those silver bells? It’s Christmas time in the city. Some families actually do make the Yuletide gay, managing to leave their troubles far away.

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Blair gives Dorota a phone so she can text her orders.

Other families have a merry little Christmas even when their troubles aren’t so far away.

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Mama Humphrey is going back to Hudson, and that’s the last we’ll see of her!

Some presents end up getting returned.

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But some gifts are for keeps.

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Other presents come when you least expect them.

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And everyone knows that the biggest present comes in the smallest box.

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Rufus calls, telling Lily he misses her at the EXACT TIME DADDY WARBASS PROPOSES TO LILY. What a coincidence! I cannot believe it! Only on a soap!

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Then there are those boxes you wish you had never opened.

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Have a holly jolly Christmas. XoXo, Gossip Girl

I’m not even going to comment on the bromance pic! It’s painfully obvious that Nate and Chuck are really on a romantic getaway.

Good stuff is coming soon. The best complicated, convoluted sweeps plot that makes little sense is coming up shortly thanks to this being the shortened writers’ strike season.

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