School Lies. Episode 1×12.

I just looked, and we have two episodes left before the post-2008 writers’ strike break which brought us the best Gossip Girl episodes. Damn. I’m anxious to relive those. And then it’s all downhill to the point where it sinks below special-guest star Hillary Duff territory.

Don’t worry, there is a ton of good stuff beforehand, and the bad stuff is quite mockable.

So the questions we were left with are the following:

Has Chuck told Nate that not only do they share a bromance but the same girl? That Chuck left Blair as sloppy seconds for Nate?

Did Dan catch a STD from Serena?

Does anyone give a damn whether Rufus divorces Mama Humphrey? (Wait, the answer to that is no.)

Will Lily say yes to combining her bad mother skills with Daddy Warbass’s bad father skills?

Let’s find out!

What is B Hiding?

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It’s a secret pool party at school! And it looks like Nate doesn’t know anything (about Chuck and Blair)! This is a common occurrence, that poor Nate doesn’t know anything. Happens every day in basic math when he has to add 1+1. (Spoiler alert. It’s 2.)

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Just saw Amanda Setton in the credits. It’s about time we establish the Mean Girls who make Lindsay Lohan’s Mean Girls look like kitty cats. (Turns out this week she is just a background character and hasn’t spoken…yet.)

Chuck hits on his potential stepsister Serena, who turns him down. So, wait. S.’s standards are low enough for Humphrey, yet she won’t touch Chuck? I’ll never understand women.

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Vanessa is spending her Saturday night filming Dan eating Cheerios, commanding him to be “interesting”. That’s like telling the law of gravity for my laptop to fall upward when I throw it at the wall because of how much Dan annoys me. It would break all laws of physics to happen. Vanessa wants to enter some film competition by following Dan. If that doesn’t say much about Vanessa’s desperation, nothing will.vlcsnap-2014-05-01-12h40m40s139

Dan and Serena annoy every viewer by saying how much they miss each other, and Serena invites him to join in the break-in at school. For once, they show up overdressed.vlcsnap-2014-05-01-12h44m16s255

Because I can.

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The show becomes a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE when someone hits his head on a beam and falls into the pool, not breathing. Nate gives CPR as someone calls 911, and everyone leaves so they don’t get caught. However, someone left their phone with plenty of photos for the cops and principal to know who was there. While the kid will leave, this is the perfect opportunity to introduce a new headmistress, Ms. Queller. She looks like trouble, like she inherited all the torture devices from the headmistress from Maltida.

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Everyone involved has to write super-long essays on why they consumed drugs and alcohol during a break-in on school property as Headmistress Queller searches for the one responsible. He sorta looks like Chuck Bass, claims to be straight but gives off very homoerotic vibes with his sexual magnetism and chemistry with everyone. Anyway, if she can’t figure out that it was Chuck, or whoever, then everyone will be expelled.

Welcome to the Upper East Side, Headmistress Queller!

It was one of these people for sure. They all agree not to tell.

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Even Gossip Girl calls this a Weak Link to the entire show, I mean, the chain.

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Blair is the first to be interviewed. She vaguely confesses to being an eenie-meanie-miney-mo lover and says it was out of character. The headmistress, being new, agrees. Blair does all her crimes off school time.

Chuck catches Nate writing a letter. In 2008. Because all the teens were still writing letters back then instead of emails or texting. The things we did before Whatsapp.

Rufus with bad hair and bad art.

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Lily shows up, more concerned about how she will tell Daddy Warbass that she’s going to tell him “yes” then the fact Serena is in trouble. Rufus and Lily bicker like they were the ones getting married. Calm down, Rufus. Lily’s marriages tend to last less time than Britney Spears’ marriages in Vegas.

Vanessa has a video of Chuck collecting a key at the party. I bet Vanessa films all her sex scenes too and calls it “art”. Blair then calls Vanessa out (to Serena) that V. is filming Lonely Boy to get closer to him. Some Waldorf Punishment Party this is turning out to be.

Chuck tells Dan Dan if he gets caught that his family will just donate another wing and nothing will happen. He also says he took the key so no one would get in trouble. The plot thickens.

I can’t decide if I like Blair’s outfit or not.

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When Nate talks to Blair, he finds out the key is her’s, meaning Chuck is protecting Blair. Uh oh.

Dan and Serena fight about their class difference, and Chuck threatens to spill the beans to Nate if Blair doesn’t stop seeing Nate. Vanessa has been taping it all. Vanessa absconds with the tape and with Dan.

And real life actors Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr have a scene together! Is this where their own tumultuous on-again-off-again relationship started?

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Rufus tells Lily he still loves her, and Lily counters with Daddy Warbass has a lot of money. I yawn.

Nate confesses to being the one that broke into the school. Headmistress Queller says Nate’s “toeing the line of mediocrity”. I love this line. It says so much about young master Archibald. And his own mediocrity of confessing to a crime he didn’t commit becomes obvious when Queller interrogates him about the key chain, how he came into access of the key, what is the capital of the United States, and Nate didn’t know a single answer.

Chuck offers $10,000 for the tape. Vanessa takes the money. SO MUCH INTEGRITY, VANESSA.

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Rufus thinks Lily is looking for an excuse to get away from Daddy Warbass, and she agrees to meet with him that evening for a potential escape.

Nate gets suspended for his fake confession to strike fear into the hearts of everyone. This can’t end well. However, I like this bitchy headmistress. It’s exactly what Constance and St. Jude’s need. Dan Dan tells Serena that she should tell Queller who did it, when Serena confesses that it was her.

S. didn’t tell Dan as she didn’t want him to judge her. She knows Dan so well. And after she bares her soul to him, he gets called into the office. Decisions, decisions, Lonely Boy.

Blair figures out that Nate confessed to save her, and for a minute, it makes her horny and ready to jump him, but then she remembers Chuck and gives him the cold shoulder. Eenie meanie miney mo…

Lily takes a two-second break from packing to express fakesincere hope that S. doesn’t get expelled.

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Lily: Well, I was just going to go for, you know, a little spa trip for the weekend.
Serena: Cause you’re stressed out from your vacation?

S. then finds a ringing 2008 smartphone. Verizon shoutout.

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S. then asks Lily to go with Bart because she’d rather not commit incest by dating her stepbrother. Lily considers it, trying to start the new year off by being a concerned mother. It doesn’t become her.

Vanessa gives the real tape to Blair, saying that the one she gave to Chuck was a blank. That rascally rabbit!

S. confesses to the crime of being the star of a really boring episode, and also to having the key to the pool.

Spotted in BROOKLYN:

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Blair pays off Vanessa’s rent for a year so she can return to hating Vanessa (good call), and Vanessa says she gave Chuck’s money to a medical research grant for teen herpes in his name. My GOD, how they destroyed Vanessa (and every other character on this show.)

S. gets 25 hours of community service instead of actual expulsion. Of course. *yawn*. And now she gets to celebrate with her family.

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Oh! Not for getting off scot free, but because Lily has accepted the proposal, which, of course, gives her an opportunity to drink champagne. She looks happier to be with it than getting married. Lily and alcohol, a match made in heaven.

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She tells Rufus beforehand in an artsy-fartsy flashback. Rufus does his best not to call her a money-grabbing whore, so I’ll do it for him. Lily Rhodes VD Woodsen is a money-grabbing whore.

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Chuck, in purple, is excited to be Serena’s brother.

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Blair reunites with Nate. Yippee?

Daddy Warbass tells Serena he arranged for her to get away with the crime without being expelled. Money talks, S.

One thing about being on the inside? Once you get there, you don’t always get to choose where you stand…or sit.

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Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you really are and where you want to be.

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And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself. As for me, I’m happy right where I am. I only want to be with you. XoXo Gossip Girl

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