A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate. Episode 1×13.

It’s called a condom. Good thing GG is promoting safe sex to an impressionable young audience. (Who are we kidding? Most GG fans were in their 20s, but it pretended to be for teens!)

I suppose the title really means a secret is going to come out. I smell threeway. (I know, not until season three, but still.)

Also, for anyone who has watched the entire show, this episode is solid proof that You Know Who Could Not Be Gossip Girl. Viewers always know better than desperate writers (Josh Safran) who pull things out of their ass at the table read for the series finale.

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What’s the difference between gossip and scandal, Gossip Girl asks? Scandal airs on ABC, a network that can actually afford to pay for their prime time soaps. Oh, not what she was talking about.

Spotted buying pregnancy tests!

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Little J. screams, summoning the Humphrey men. It’s always lovely to learn about a possible new niece (Dan, make sure you ask for the paternity test) via the internet.

Yes, if that’s what the kids are calling it these days:

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Eric asks Serena if there’s something she wants to tell him.

S: That hair color is all wrong for you.

Well, glad someone knew it, even if the bad blonde dye job is growing out.

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Rufus says Dan is “special”. Mhmm. But the thought that the baby might not be Dan’s doesn’t even come to their minds. Tsk tsk.

However, by the time Dan sees S., S. knows that she’s not pregnant, but S. has to meet Blair. Hmm, did S. buy the tests for Blair? Is that eenie-meanie-miney-mo lover going to have her very own Who’s the Daddy story? I mean, even General Hospital only resorts to this in sweeps month and they have nothing to write for Elizabeth once again.

Jenny is late. They started their bitchy bitching without her. Blair makes her move down a couple steps. Serena is even later but at least brings the news that she’s not pregnant.

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Serena: Whenever something happens that isn’t part of your plan, you pretend that it doesn’t exist. You act like you’re in this movie about your perfect life, and I have to remind you the only one watching that movie is you.

This is precisely why we love Blair. I refuse to acknowledge the existence of the last four seasons of Gossip Girl, for example. I sleep easier at night in this world. Blair sleeps better ignoring her missed visit from Aunt Flo Flo.

Blair: Maybe I am a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?

Again, why we love Blair.

Chuck lurks in the shadows watching Short Shorts (my new couple name for Nair). Nate wants her to go with him to visit Captain Rehab.vlcsnap-2014-05-09-12h36m06s140

Rufus is ecstatic that Serena isn’t pregnant. Wait, was he a potential father? I don’t put anything past Serena.

Serena reveals she’s been on the pill since she was 15 and Blair says she’s not pregnant.

Dan makes S. spaghetti, and I will vomit if they reenact the Lady and the Tramp scene. He just wants to tell her again he loves her when he knows she’s not “with child”. Jenny overhears Serena tell Dan that the tests were for Blair and that Chuck would be the father.

Rufus is being hit on by all the single ladies perusing the art in his gallery. Yawwwwn.

Really, Charles? This outfit? Really? Perhaps you and Nate *are* only platonic, as I think even a guy with the teeniest bit of bi-curiosity would know better…vlcsnap-2014-05-09-12h49m36s41

But sometimes GG does have awesome mise-en-scène.

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Serena tells Chuck that the pregnancy test was for Blair. Chuck says the baby would be Nate’s as Chuck has stock in the condom industry, obviously, and knows to wrap it up.

Dan and Little J. judge Rufus for this shirt, and they are more concerned about him wearing it in public than him going out for drinks with one of the Gallery Hussies. I mean…where do they get off criticizing Rufus when they wear worse stuff every day?vlcsnap-2014-05-09-12h53m47s249

Dorota alert! It’s so sad that she’s still background filler in these early episodes. She’ll eventually become one of the show’s most endearing recurring characters.

Serena: Anybody notice the weather today? Take a look outside, B. My first response would be is the sky is a clear blue easy.

B. excuses Dorota as Serena tries to have a conversation with Blair about taking the test, which, of course, Eleanor walks in on. Eleanor assumes it’s about Blair’s bulimia.

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Blair takes the test, commanding herself not to be pregnant. It works. She’s not pregnant.

Chuck: The game’s not over until I say it is.
Blair: Have fun playing with yourself.

Nice word choice there. So Chuck sends GG a blast. Uh oh.

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Dan prepares a romantic picnic for S, but it’s ruined when her lit paper blows away and a random stranger saves it. This marks the first time Serena says “I love you” to a guy she just met three seconds ago. It won’t be the last.

Nate, and the rest of the Upper East Side, receive the blast from Gossip Girl.

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Don’t worry your pretty little head, Nate. It causes wrinkles.

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Nate then asks Jenny if she knows if the blast is true, and she spills the beans because Blair is a big meanie who is mean to her all the time and won’t let her sit on the same step as her. Tit for tat.

Way to convince me that this is platonic, Nate.

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ALL THESE JUMP CUTS IN THE NATHANIEL-CHARLES CONFRONTATION MAKE THIS SO INCREDIBLY ARTY. < / sarcasm >

And Nate and Chuck break up. Hmm, I wonder how Dan and Nate would look together?

Then Blair wants to talk to Nate. Nate dumps her. That’s what you get for being an eenie-meanie-miney-mo lover, B. He also reveals it was Jenny who told him. Uh oh.

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Way to kill momentum with two awesome confrontation scenes with more of Rufus and His Gallery Hussies.

Again, Blair just says it better than I could ever hope to.

Blair: You told your low-rent boyfriend and he told his social-climbing sister who wears my hand-me-downs, and she blabbed to Nate.

Yep, that’s about right. And now the third confrontation and breakup has occurred. Frenemies Blair and Serena are back to just enemies. Time to pop the popcorn. Things are getting interesting.

Mean Girl Penélope speaks! She and random Mean Girl tell Little J. to stay and that Blair needs to stop being such an indecisive hoebag and self-righteous bitch and that she is not fit to tramp up the Met steps with her unclassy ass. Blair has been dethroned as Queen B and begs Jenny to stay by her side, threatening her that if she doesn’t, Blair will ruin Little J. Little J. calls her bluff. Smackdown.

And now more boring Rufus shit and more clothing atrocities from Brooklyn. Yawn.

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Now Dan and Serena are fighting about whether he told Jenny. He tells her he loves her. Serena says “okay.” BURRRRRRRRN.

Wise Brother Eric tells Serena that people listen in on conversations. Duh. Especially on soaps.

More questionable fashion choices from Chuck as Blair confronts him. This episode is rocking the confrontations.

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Chuck: Now, you’re like one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet.

The things the censors let fly at the CW. And Miss Eenie-Meanie-Miney-Mo lover gets left alone.

Blair asks Mommy Dearest for a semester in France to escape.

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The Mean Girls have found a new Little J., Elisa, and have decided that Little J. is the new Queen B. Jenny questions this, as does any sane viewer.

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More of Rufus and his Gallery Hussies and yawning. Just choose one of them already and dump them because they’re not on contract so no point in investing in recurring characters’ romances.

S. needs to know why Dan loves her and isn’t just using her for sex like all the other boys. Dan says a bunch of bullshit about why he loves her so that is supposed to be endearing but is annoying instead.

S. then goes to the helipad to stop Blair from going to France (as why take a taxi when you can take a helicopter to JFK?) S. succeeds.

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One good scandal deserves another. Wonder who’s going down next? Everybody, if B. has anything to say about it. You know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Girl.

What an awesome way to go into the Writer’s Strike. And the truly awesome stuff is about to start (it involved a highly-contrived and complicated plot that no one can actually articulate but is still damn entertaining, as they tend to do for May Sweeps.)

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