Blair Bitch Project. Episode 1×14

Now this is an interesting title I can live with. We’re also starting the last string of episodes of the first season, the episodes post-strike. There is a noted difference in the tone and feel of the episodes if I remember correctly, and as I’ve said before, these are some of the best episodes of the entire series.

We left off with Blair having just been dumped by Nate and Chuck and Gossip Girl had posted the news that Blair had slept with the bros from different hoes for the world to see (thanks to Jenny telling Nate and Chuck sending the tip to Gossip Girl), Rufus boring us greatly, and Serena still was only in love with Dan. Where do we go from here?

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Blair is having another Breakfast at Tiffany’s dream, looking for Cat in the rain and “Moon River” playing. After quoting Summer Roberts with “Ew”, Nate shows up and calls her Jenny, reminding her she doesn’t have anyone. Dorota wakes her from the nightmare.

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Spring break is over, and Blair has been sleeping with a box of Lady Godiva, dreading going back to school. She tries talking Dorota into letting her fake sick and stay home. Nah, I bet Blair will go back and be bitchy to everyone and exact revenge, just looking at the title of this week’s episode.

Chuck is smoking illegal substances in Serena’s bathroom, and Serena isn’t too happy as she at least needs two hours to get ready (and she’ll still be late.) The fact is Serena looks great first thing in the morning. I hate those people. The merging of the VD Woodsen and Bass households is not going smoothly.

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Mean Girls are ready for school, with soon-to-be birthday girl Jenny as their new Queen. I’ll pause for appropriate WTF’s.

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This is not Step by Step.

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Lily says she has a headache from all the fighting with the wedding planner, but c’mon. Call a spade a spade and a hungover goldigger a hungover goldigger. S. rushes off to Blair’s, and the rest make a toast with presumably spiked orange juice to Chuck being the best man at the upcoming wedding. I mean, if Lily is drinking the juice, I’m sure it’s spiked.

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Dan is eating Rufus’ waffles, and once again, that is not a euphemism. Dan judges Rufus for allowing Jenny to hang out with Hazel over Spring Break.vlcsnap-2014-05-17-12h32m17s147

Yes, Blair, that is a great disguise. I would have no clue that was Blair Waldorf. I would have thought it was her granny with that ensemble.

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Thank God Serena tells Blair all the gossip of people we don’t know and will never see and then strips Blair of the sunglasses and ‘kerchief. Although it’s weird that Serena strips someone else and not herself, but that’s neither here nor there.

Gossip Girl: The French Revolution had cake. The American Revolution had tea. But looks like the overthrow of Blair Waldorf…well…who said you need a silver spoon to dole out just desserts?

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The Mean Girls flick their breakfast yogurt right on Blair’s head. To quote Blair quoting Summer, EW!

Nate warns Little J. about the Mean Girls being Mean and then compliments her on her aim. Just whose side is he on, anyway?

Blair looks for a new person to join her and S. on the steps so she will never have to relinquish her thrown and finds Chuck with “blond mini-Chuck” Eric. S. is annoyed, and Blair sees Little J. being treated as UES royalty and becomes annoyed herself.

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Serena tries to teach Blair to be nice, and it backfires.

Serena: Tell me my hair looks beautiful.
Blair: You’re hair looks digusting.

Hmm, that happens when you hang with the Humphries. Then Little J. invites Serena and Blair to Butter, which is the worst name for a restaurant ever, so Little J. doesn’t have to be the one to slip the maître d’ a $100. Crafty crafty.

Thank you, Chuck, for interrupting Dan and Serena from doing the nasty with news that it’s time to try food from the different wedding caterers.vlcsnap-2014-05-17-12h50m17s198

S. gets a mysterious package at the tasting dinner, which leads Lily, who is, of course, drinking wine, to plead “Don’t put your dirty package on the table.”

I’ll pause again to let that one sink in.

Chuck: If I had a dime for every time I heard that…

This is just too ripe for jokes and puns now. And dirty package it is. It’s a box of porn DVDs and sex toys! S. blames Chuck and storms off. Lily asks Dan to get rid of it, to which he responds “my pleasure”. Dan being left alone with porn and handcuffs sounds about par for the course.

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Turns out Jenny had other plans, as Blair was left sitting alone, humillated, at Butter. As a Mean Girl says, “Not going to Butter is so much better than going to Butter.” I bet that was a rejected advertising slogan.

Little J. finds a closet full of shoes and expensive dresses which then whisks her off to the magical land of Narnia, as Blair plans her revenge. The bitch is back, warns Gossip Girl. Honey, the bitch hasn’t even arrived yet. And in Narnia, Little J. trades some stolen dresses at the thrift shop for a $1200 dress, as every thrift shop I’ve ever been to regularly carries $1200 dresses.

Daddy Warbass tells Chuck his stunt with the box o’porn wasn’t funny, and Chuck denies doing it. Daddy Warbass then says he’ll invest more in Vitrola (Chuck’s burlesque club) if Chuck behaves. Bribing good behavior. Lily’s parenting skills (or lack thereof) are already rubbing off on Daddy Warbass.

Serena receives a case of champagne she didn’t order at school. The B-plot thickens. Blair pays a visit to Rufus’ gallery to discuss Little J. The A-plot thickens. Mean Girl Hazel’s mother has noticed missing dresses. The Z-plot thickens as they try to tie this in with the A-Plot.

Little J. tries to get the dress back before the police find out, but the clerk at the thrift shop refuses to make the exchange. She turns to Nate for help, forgetting that Nate couldn’t help her add 3 and 3 on her math homework and she had to help him with 2 and 2. Then Jenny puts on the Valentino dress with the Dolce hanging in the background, and I’m left wondering how she got the dress back if Nate didn’t help her. Hey, if they want to send her to juvenile for the next five seasons, I wouldn’t complain.

Awesome mise-en-scene again.

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Lily doesn’t believe Serena’s innocence with the champagne incident, and she certainly doesn’t believe Serena blaming Chuck for it. Daddy Warbass does though.

Turns out Blair has been planning a surprise party for Little J. at the Brooklyn loft. Crafty, crafty again. The Mean Girls find it to be the lamest party ever (what did you expect from a Fiesta Humphrey? Really, now.), and Blair made Rice Krispy Treats! At least Little J. has a “hottie DAD.” Dan is too busy drinking hot chocolate with Serena to attend.

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Little J. is stuck in the dress, and the Mean Girls catch her in it. Hazel instantly realizes that Little J. stole it from her mother. Blair makes her exit, seeing that the damage has been done and inviting everyone to Butter. Team Blair.

Spotted:

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Rufus realizes that Blair is a lying liar who lies and that the sun produces heat. Little J. informs him that Brooklyn is not Manhattan and confesses to stealing the dress. She has a temper tantrum about being poor and not having any friends. I feel Rufus wants to tell her that she’s better off alone than with these friends, but she ran screaming and crying, probably back to find that gateway to Narnia.

S. is not happy Eric is spending time with Chuck. Chuck had given Eric another mysterious envelope that had arrived for Serena. Turns out to be cocaine. Serena has received porn, handcuffs, champagne and now cocaine this episode. If Chuck’s not sending this, her secret admirer/stalker is certainly preparing her for a red room. Those kids on the Saved by the Bell never had to face problems like these! They just had to deal with the horrors of caffeine pills and post-80’s fashion.

Dan finally arrives home and tries to comfort Jenny but ends up judging her instead. After all, he is Dan Humphrey. He can’t help himself. So he just offers to take her out for ice cream and tells her she is better than the Mean Girls. Maybe at the moment, but the Mean Girls provide entertainment and Jenny just provides bad fashion choices.

S. confronts Chuck, and Chuck reveals that Daddy Warbass kicked him out. So at least Serena now has her share of bathrooms to get ready in the morning.

Spotted: Blair waiting for her minions to arrive. And they do, and all is well.

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Rufus doesn’t let Little J. go for ice cream with Dan Dan, but he’s okay with them having some Jenny cake. However, Jenny has run away! Can you blame her? She’s with Nate.

Serena goes downstairs to find her mother drinking AGAIN. I mean, get this woman to rehab. She can join Captain Rehab. Maybe the Ostroff Center gives discounts for the second family member (after Eric’s attempted suicide) admitted.

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S. gets an envelope, and with the threatening music and S.’s “Oh my God!”, viewers know this can’t be good. S. runs out quickly, saying nothing is wrong and she’ll be right back. BUT SOMETHING TOTALLY IS WRONG! Who could the letter be from? Her pimp asking for money? An unsatisfied client from Amsterdam’s Red Light District? Someone blackmailing her for that video from boarding school homecoming? Someone blackmailing her with the video of her volunteering to help the homeless? (Serena feels Dan is her charity work for life so no need to get messy by helping the homeless.)

Blair returns to the bar to find that Little J. had introduced Nate to Mean Girl Penelope, and suddenly Hazel’s mom *had* given the dress away to charity (again, Humphrey’s are charity.)

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Serena shows up on Chuck’s door step apologizing.

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Never thought I’d say this, but it turns out Chuck Bass is innocent. So who did send S. all those naughty gifts?

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Chuck invites Serena in for a drink, and the door slams shut on the episode. Next week, awesome comes to town. Who is G? The key to awesome.

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