Desperately Seeking Serena. Episode 1×15.

The Key to bitchy awesomeness has arrived. Buffy fans have probably caught on to the fact that Michelle Trachtenberg might be guest-starring at some point with the Key references. What they don’t know is that her character will be much more Kathryn’s little sister from Cruel Intentions than Buffy’s annoying kid sister Dawn.

Why, you ask? I mean, she’s already sent Serena porn, handcuffs, cocaine and champagne. What else can she do?

Don’t answer that question.

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The gang is preparing for the SATs.

Dan buries himself in his books.

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Blair has Dorota quiz her with flashcards.

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Serena self-medicates and finds out why mommy Lily spikes the coffee.vlcsnap-2014-05-23-22h28m42s197

The Mean Girls cling to each other for dear life, as gossiping is much more important than the SATs…

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And Chuck either is doing inappropriate blackface or is going to have someone take the exam for him. You never know in the Bass family.vlcsnap-2014-05-23-22h29m23s99

Rufus is apparently going to walk Little J. to school. Her school is on the Upper East Side. They live in Brooklyn. Anyone else see a problem with this idea?

Bad news everyone. Jessica Szohr has been added to contract. More Vanessa for everyone! I need some of Lily’s special Irish coffee.

Blair is competing with none other than Nelly Yuki. Another great recurring character is introduced during this episode. Blair must score higher than Nelly on the SATs because they will only accept one girl from Constance in total plot point and not reality land. Blair then calls Chuck gross, but I think it’s the rain jacket on a sunny day. Is he preparing for prison?

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Chuck brings Serena the news that someone named Georgina Sparks is in Switzerland dating a prince, lamenting the news because Georgie brings out the fun in Serena.

Blair arranges a special study party, complete with mani-pedis, so the Mean Girls won’t have to study around Humphreys. Team Blair.

Spotted. A KEY.

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Fresh off her dad’s G5 from Switzerland, Georgina warned Serena that S. is to have cocktails with her or Georgina will be pissed. You don’t want to get on Georgina’s bad side.

Little J. has decided she needs a boyfriend so she can kick Blair off the throne of the Mean Girls. She then runs into an adorable dog walker, but pfft, dog walkers are so 2007 Brooklyn, and it’s now 2008, and she wants to reign the UES, so she passes.

Nate shows up in Brooklyn to give Dan his study materials as he already took the SAT and has good enough scores for his college (this is perhaps the most unbelievable thing to happen in all six seasons of the series. Maybe his college is Miami Party Hardy?)  Vanessa is jealous and says she’s a good enough tutor. Vanessa, jealous of a budding bromance. But she unearths something interesting admist those old study guides.

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Georgina is drinking Cosmo? Really? Isn’t that like Sex and the City? Anyway, Georgina gets S. to drink one with her. S. says only one, but we all know math is not her strong suit.

Spotted: Someone in wardrobe hates Leighton Meester.

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Blair needs the Mean Girls to help bring down Nelly Yuki. Is this like a very old Facebook?

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S. is druuuuuunk. She and Georgina get hit on by guys, which leads to G. faking a Russian accent (foreshadowing? Nah, that’d be giving these writers way too much credit) and Serena fakes a horrible Southern accent. She answers Georgina’s phone with it, and it’s Georgina’s coke dealer! S. leaves in a huff and then calls Chuck to rescue her. She doesn’t want Dan Dan to know about her friendship with Georgie Porgy.

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Chuck and Dan playfully flirt a while before Chuck explains that Serena has food poisoning and can’t come.

Chuck still has this horrible raincoat thing. Ew.

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S. tells Dan Dan her migraine is gone, and Dan realizes that Serena is lying because Chuck said food poisoning. These soon-to-be stepsiblings are going to have to learn to coordinate their lies and outfits.

Spotted: Nelly Yuki!

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The Mean Girls try to induct Nelly into their group, but all she wants is “to be left alone and never hear Flor-Rid-A again.” Don’t watch “Seder Anything” (One of Gossip Girl’s best episodes) then, Nelly. Turns out that Nelly got dumped at a Flo-Rid-A concert as she was waving her hands like she just didn’t care.

Blair downloads Flo-Rid-A.

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OH MY GOD, IS JENNY HUMPHREY THE MOTHER WITH THAT YELLOW UMBRELLA? What, too soon for How I Met Your Mother references?

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Nah, she’s running into the dog walker. Turns out he’s the owner and not the walker, which makes it okay then. Little J. rushes to gab with him.

Blair walks past a studying Nelly playing Flo-Rid-A, and Nelly starts crying. Blair invites her over so they can bitch about boys and Nelly can’t study. Scheming again, that Blair.

Nate meets Vanessa for lunch at a Brooklyn Greek Place and reveals Captain Has Sunk So Low He’s In Rehab In Brooklyn. They BOND. Vanessa says she was impressed with his practice essays, and Nate says “It was nothing. ‘Row Row Row Your Boat’ really moves me.”

Georgina calls S. to say she’s realized that Serena is different now and an INSPIRATION. Georgina LIES.

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Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen being given a real-life multiple choice question. A. Go home and study B. Get a good night’s sleep. C. Call your boyfriend. D. None of the above. Hope that wasn’t the wrong answer S. This test doesn’t grade on a curve.

S. is meeting up with Georgina…she chose D. Serena fails at life.

Spotted: We’re not the ONLY ones annoyed by Dan Dan.

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Rufus makes his teenage daughter’s life, the very same one who is trying to be the Queen B at an uppity Upper East Side private school, by buying her a new sewing machine.

Let that sink in for a moment.  Jenny is still grounded though. Can’t let her out into the streets as she might meet dog walkers, which are totally beneath Brooklyn Hipsters.

Blair is worried about S.’s stomach migraine as S. hasn’t make an appearance at the Study Hard for the SATs shindig at Casa Waldorf.

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Blair has also arranged for Nelly’s ex to randomly show up at Blair’s house. How convenient and thoughtful.

Vanessa is shocked that Nate is into lesbian punk and wants to see her sister’s band. Yeah, me too. Gays and lesbians usually don’t get along. Vanessa then says her parents are artists and don’t do the whole college thing. Ummm. Let me get back to you on this in a few seasons to verify.

Spotted. EWWWWWW. They kiss!

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Georgie wants to know all about Dan Dan. This can lead to no good. And now Georgina has slipped Serena a roofie in her Diet Coke. Sureee, that’s what S. always says happens.

S. wakes up and has no clue what happened the night before, realizing she’s missing the SATs. Oopsiedaisy!

Nate shows up at the Brooklyn coffee house to see Vanessa, making this episode more fantasy than Harry Potter. Seems he has arranged for Vanessa to take the SATs last minute. How nice it must be to have money. And they’d let her in wearing that outfit?

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Breakfast at the Humphreys. Little J. still hasn’t cancelled the date, but Rufus forces to her. She’s grounded for LIFE. Taylor Momsen is doing a great job as the pouty, angsty teen, I have to admit

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Nelly Yuki stayed up crying all night as her ex didn’t want to get back together. Blair offers condolences as she steals the batteries from Nelly’s calculator. That Blair is a bitch sometimes. But that’s why we love her.

Dan Dan, looking for Serena, overhears a very redheaded NOTSERENA checking in to take the SAT AS Serena VD Woodsen. Uh oh.

Spotted by a jealous Dan and Blair?

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Oh, Charles…Ed Westwick also must have pissed off wardrobe this week.

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Serena finds out that Chuck had had the redhead take the exam for her. Dan judges her at the same time he worries about her. He is a multitasker. Chuck just wants to know, what does Georgina have on Serena? What has Serena done?

(My guess is the entire varsity water polo team. And then had an abortion so the CW can lecture us against the evils while being wishywashy about saying anything either way.)

S. gets dolled up to tell Georgina to leave her alone. Georgina says that S. is as much to blame for what happened as she was. But what happened?

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Dog Walker Guy (Asher) shows up in Brooklyn to see Little J. Rufus is not amused.

Best GG guest star EVER.

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Georgina has a brand new dog named Georgie, and she’s using it to meet Lonely Boys at the park. Wait, she says her name is Sarah.  Is this her nice twin and Georgina the evil twin? You never know on soaps! See you next week.

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