All About My Brother. Episode 1×16

This is one of my favorite episodes, and I’m going to give them 1000 Meow Meow Beanz for naming an episode after an Almodóvar film. Shit happens this episode. Shit is revealed. If Soaps In Depth were covering this episode, they would proclaim THE UPPER EAST SIDE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME next to the picture of Vanessa Marcil asking if Brenda is returning to General Hospital.

I just hope this Sarah person (Georgina’s nice twin? I mean, Georgina would never pretend to be someone she’s not, would she? I’m playing coy.) doesn’t come between Dan and Serena!

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I feel a West Side Story Jets and Sharks song is about to break out on the Met Steps.

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Instead, Little J. and Bitchy B. trade insults as they use Gossip Girl to spread evil rumors about each other. Just another day on the Upper East Side. Rufus then calls Jenny. Turns out Rufus knows how to work the internet and finds out Jenny has a party planned with her new boy toy Asher. Trouble is, Jenny is still grounded. Suddenly, Jenny is in choir and has practice. Little J. is learning from Bitchy B.

S. hasn’t heard from Georgina in two weeks, as Georgina is hiding at that café that gives Vanessa employment. Wait, it’s not Georgina. It’s Sarah. The Brooklyn Bores have been taking new-to-town Sarah under their wing and making her boring too. Sarah wants to meet Serena. Serena’s going to freak that Georgina has a nice twin! That couldn’t be Georgina faking it, could it?

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Spotted. Eric jealous of Little J. kissing her new boyfriend.

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Eric asks Jenny how well she knows Asher, and Jenny finds Eric’s crush on her cute.

Serena says she’s not using the fake Serena’s scores and is has a new tutor for the SATs, so she can’t have dinner with Dan and Sarah. Darn.

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Dan then catches Asher kissing someone that has a little too much penis and is obviously not Jenny and does an INSTA-JUDGE. Too bad Dan doesn’t catch who his potential brother-in-law is snogging.

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Spotted: Lily Rhodes Van der Woodsen wedding planning.

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Rufus asks Lily for advice on how to raise a teenage daughter. Oh, Rufus. Why the hell would you turn to LILY for parenting advice? That’s like going to Paula Deen for advice on how to lose weight while being politically correct. Lily says “Pfft, why are you asking me? It’s not like I have kids…oh, wait, shit. Serena and Eric. Those two again. Well, ride in my limo and I’ll give you the name of Serena’s boarding school.”

Dan confronts Asher while trying to show that he’s not judging but is totally judging, as that is Dan’s main character trait. Serena’s the floozy, Blair’s the good bitch, Georgina’s the evil bitch, Vanessa’s the annoying one, Little J.’s the other annoying one, Chuck’s Chuck, Nate’s the pretty dim-witted one and Dan’s the judging one.  Anyway, Dan confronts Asher about kissing someone with a little bit too much penis to be Jenny.

Asher responds with “I’m so queer I’m going to pop your sister’s cherry tonight.” Because gay men have NEVER EVER had sex with women to try to make themselves straight, especially on teen soaps.

Little J. comes along and Asher says that he’s going to take Jenny to the country this weekend and Dan was just judging for it moving too fast. Jenny takes Asher’s side, saying “jealousy clashes with L.L. Bean pants.” *snort* Team Jenny.

Blair and Serena are having some girl talk, and Dan comes along and interrupts. Blair rolls her eyes when Dan interrupts their girl talk and tries not to vomit.

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Blair: I didn’t like last season’s Louis Vuitton patchwork bag either, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it all over town on Jenny Humphrey’s arm.”

Dan: I’m still worried about Jenny.
Blair: You mean because she’s self-obsessed, self-serving, self-centred, self…
Dan: No.

Dan: She just completely blew me off and she dissed my parents.
Blair: Maybe I underestimated her.

Blair: All that matters to someone like Jenny right now are the four G’s. Guys, girlfriends and Gossip Girl.

Guess who has wine? ‘Tis a day that ends in “Y”.

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Lily: If Serena’s indiscretions were as PG as Jenny’s, I wouldn’t have needed the Botox.

My God, the one-liners this episode are amazing!  Lily tries to help Rufus be a parent without using her 2008 Smart Phone to Google It.  She says just trust in himself that he has done his job as a parent. I may not care much for the Humphrey’s, but I have to admit Rufus has done a better job with the Brooklyn Bores.

Gossip Girl got word that Asher doesn’t prefer blondes but other gentlemen.  Gossip Girl also says she is no longer publishing anything without verification as even she is sick of being used as a weapon in the war of Blair and Little J. Team Gossip Girl.

S. gets word that Georgina has sent another package.

Blair: Dan Humphrey. Just who I hate to admit I was looking for.

After yelling at Dan Dan for outing Asher, Blair wants to prove that Asher really is gay when she finds out the kiss did happen, a gift for Gossip Girl gaining her credibility back. Blair says Dan is obliged to help her to keep his sister from “becoming the next Katie Holmes.” So much awesome in this episode.

Spotted trying on wedding dresses:

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Rufus likes what he sees, but he should know that whenever Basses and Humphrey’s are two ends of a triangle, the Bass will win.

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Blair and her Mean Girls are even more fabulously dressed.

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Nelly Yuki stole Asher’s cell from the locker room after lacrosse practice. Blair forwards the texts to herself.

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Little J. goes to pay Asher a visit, and Asher lets her know what’s what after Jenny tries to make out with him. Asher gives her status, and Jenny gives him he’d rather not say. He can’t even say the words “I’m gay”. Jenny has to guess Gossip Girl was right. Oh, Jenny. You officially have your first role as a beard. Congratulations. You have made it on the Upper East Side.

Awwww, Georgina has sent Serena a video. I’m guessing a sex tape of Serena gang-banging the heterosexual members of the lacrosse team. Maybe the gay ones too, seeing as this episode has a gay theme.

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From the sounds of it, it IS a sex tape! Serena advances Jenny’s beard and raises her a sex tape in Future Real Housewives of the Upper East Side scandals.

Lily then comes in with the guest Serena forgot to inform Lily was coming over for dinner. GEORGINA!

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Jenny allows Asher to say that he took her V-Card. Jenny tells Dan Dan that it’s not true but not to tell anyone that it’s not true. I couldn’t even understand that if I tried. But Dan judges, and Jenny calls him on it!

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Georgina refers to Blair as “Snow White” at the VD Woodsen family dinner. She congratulates Lily on her new engagement.

Georgina: It must be in the air. You’re engaged. Serena’s found a new guy. Eric’s found himself a boyfriend.

And Georgina has outed Eric to his sister, his mother and viewers all in one shot. The guy Asher was kissing is none other than our favorite Wise Gay Teen ERIC VAN DER WOODSEN. Lily is confused, as Eric can’t be dating a boy, as he’s not gay. Wait, he is!

Way to go Lily with that horrified look. I mean, she doesn’t care that her son is gay as she doesn’t give a shit about her children. She just cares ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE WILL SAY THAT SHE HAS A GAY SON. Lily van der Woodsen, Parent of the Millenium.

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Eric runs out and Serena follows to comfort him. Georgina sips her wine calmly.

Georgina Outs Eric, the Key to Awesome Sauce

Rufus tries to keep Jenny from going to the party at Asher’s, but she leaves anyway. Rufus is obviously taking the advice from Lily.

Serena and Eric have a sweet scene, talking about how Eric never found the right time and that Serena loves him no matter what. Eric decides to go to Asher’s party. Blair also crashes the party. Drama will be had after the commercial break, of course.

Serena then gets to meet Dan’s new BFF, Sarah! Serena is so enthused. Guess it’s not a nice twin after all!

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Either Serena plays nice with Georgina, or Dan Dan sees the sex tape. Serena plays nicely.

Blair is better dressed than anyone else, of course, at the party she is crashing.

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Blair tells Asher that she’d use the phone against him but his boyfriend is someone she cares about. Eric then comes out to everyone, and Asher denies it. Jenny sticks up for the guy who fictitiously took her V-card. Eric says “I’m gay, and so are you”, and Asher asks for the “faggot” to be removed from the premises. Eric then gives Blair the go-ahead, and Blair sends the texts between Eric and Asher to Gossip Girl before handing the phone back.

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Lily is NOT going to like this.

Lily: “What kind of mother doesn’t know her own son is gay?”

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The ones who have half a bottle of Jack Daniels in their teacups, that’s who.

The Mean Girls leave the party and are miffed that Jenny lied to them about losing her virginity and that Asher was straight.

Gossip Girl: Don’t look so sad, Little J. The sun will come out tomorrow, even though your boyfriend did today.

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After reading a bit of Mommying for Dummies, Lily has a heart-to-heart with Eric. Lily says she reacted the way she did as she’s worried for Eric as people are meanies to gays (true story) and wants the best for him. They hug and make up.

Little J. surrenders, saying she wants nothing to do with the Upper East Side. This will last two seconds.

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Dan Dan judges Serena as just being jealous of Sarah. If only he knew. Georgina warns Serena she knows things. Things are going to get interesting.

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Another way the truth comes out? When you don’t even mean it to…

Dan plays the words “Angry”, “Shame”, “Trust”, “Girl”, on a live version of Words with Friends. Scrabble, is it?

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Or when, without even saying a word, it’s loud and clear.

Jenny goes to join the game that Rufus is losing but breaks down crying instead.

But the worst thing the truth can do is that when you finally tell it, it doesn’t set you free, but locks you away forever.

Serena shows up at Blair’s, crying. Blair asks Serena to tell her, but Serena says she can’t tell anyone. Blair reminds her that she is not anyone, she is Blair Waldorf.

Video of the Awesome Ending

Blair: You can tell me anything
Serena: I can’t, because that would make you a part of this, and you can’t be a part of this.
Blair: What are you talking about? You’re starting to scare me. Hey, hey, hey. We’re sisters. You’re my family. What is you is me. There’s nothing you could ever say to make me let go. I love you. What is it?

 

 SERENA: I KILLED SOMEONE.

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