Women on the Verge. Episode 1×17.

Another Almodóvar reference! Anyway, last week, we found out Serena killed someone. I swear, if the CW pulled out an abortion is murder lecture…keep the pro-life/pro-choice debates off my teen soaps! I hope Serena actually did kill someone and NOT in self-defense. Something juicy. Something that will shock me.

She probably gave someone a lethal case of herpes or something though with my luck.

Murderer Serena. Where do we go from here?

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Ah hell, the recaps reminded me Nate and Vanessa are a thing now.

We do know that Serena is not answering Georgina’s calls. Bummer. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with Georgie?

Rufus is giving a concert with Lisa Loeb for the Forgotten Bands of the 90s event. Dan actually made a funny. I must record his funny for later when I hate his boring, judgemental ass again (it should be about 3 seconds from now.)

Dan: Dad, I’m proud, Dad. I really am. You got the follow up article in the Concierge, soon to be followed by an overpriced c.d. at corporate coffeehouses for Gen Xers without tastebuds…or taste.

Already Dan is already judging Rufus for being on VH-1 Classic and I hate him once again. That was a painful three seconds.  Rufus then tells Dan Dan “I don’t know if you know this, but you can be a very judgmental guy.” I hope Rufus goes around telling true truths this episode. “Dan, your girlfriend is a hussy whose legs are open more often than a 7-11. Lily, you are the worst mother I have ever seen, and that includes Lucille Bluth. At least Lucille is called on it. Jenny, I’m just trying to protect you from your Season 2-4 hair.” Etc.

Nate makes plans to see Lincoln Hawk (Rufus’ band) with Vanessa. Before you call Nate a bad date, remember, this is Vanessa. These things make her excited. Be glad you’re not Vanessa.

Lily is starting the day off early. We know this is not just orange juice.

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Manhattan and Brooklyn. One can pull it off, the other makes me want to throw up. Can you guess which is which?

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And no, the standards for housekeeping are not being lowered, Chuck. Dan actually is NOT there seeking employment. I’m shocked too.

No one can find Serena though. Did you check the brothels? Maybe Lily cut off her trust fund and she needs money? Did she get arrested for that murder?

Holy Awkward Moment Batman! Remember how Nate thought he took Blair’s virginity but it was actually Chuck? Uh oh.

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Georgina is on her way to find Serena but runs into Dan, who sees her before she can get away. Now Georgina has to play Sarah, all nice and innocent. Sure, right, a friend from Portland staying at the Palace, the hotel that Serena vd Woodsen and her family call home. Dan Dan then gets a call from Serena’s phone. It’s the bartender Drew from the night before, when Serena went home with two guys after not paying the tab. Oh Serena. It’s good to have the real you back.

Spotted in the Waldorf Elevator.

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Chuck tries to watch as Blair begins to clean Serena up, but Nate closes the door on that one. So then we hear Serena pukes everything up, being the hangover drunk she is.  Blair won’t tell them that their friend Serena is a KILLER.

Slow news week?

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Riiiiight. Vanessa loves this picture of Rufus. Now that’d be unexpected. A Rufus and Vanessa pairing.

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Turns out Lily took the picture. And Rolling Stone wants to know all about it. Lily is so reticent that she is actually happy that Dan Dan comes a knocking looking for her slutty daughter. And guess what, Lily has no clue where her teenage daughter is. Maybe if you kept track of your daughter she wouldn’t be a KILLER. Lily, by the way, denies ever having been in love with Rufus Humphrey.

Dan walks into Blair’s house to see everyone who hates each other and judges.

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Blair tells Lonely Boy that S. has left, but Dan doesn’t believe her. She then flat out says that Serena doesn’t want to see him. Team Blair. S. hears him crying her name SERENA, SERENA, YOU ARE THE ONLY GIRL SLUTTY ENOUGH TO SLEEP WITH ME ON THE PLANET, I NEED YOU. He then is mad and judges her for the robe and for getting drunk on a school night and going home with a bunch of guys. No wonder S. didn’t want to see him. She did sleep with someone else! Dan dumps her hussy ass.

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Dan then gets a call from “Sarah”. He agrees to meet her in the park to pick up litter or whatever.

Lily is wedding planning! No one stop her! After three perfect weddings, she wants the fourth to even be more perfect! No one better interrupt her when she is WEDDING PLANNING, especially not any of her offspring! How dare Dorota call her to say Serena is drunk at 11 am at the Waldorf Residence? Lily is wedding planning, dammit!

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Lily goes through all of Serena’s stuff and finds the video Georgina has of S. Just what every mom wants while wedding planning, to watch your underage daughter’s sex tape.

Turns out Serena lied about cheating on Dan Dan. She doesn’t want him to know the truth. While trying to comfort Serena by letting her know none of them were saints, perhaps the best scene of the entire series transpires.

Blair: I had sex with him (points at Chuck) in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you (Serena) at a wedding when I was her (Blair) date. Once.
(Everyone turns to look at Chuck.)
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass.
Blair: You can tell us anything. We don’t judge. We’re the non-judging Breakfast Club.

Notice how Dan is nowhere present when she says that last line.

I’m Chuck Bass video

After the commercial break, Blair reveals to viewers that Chuck lost his virginity to Georgina in sixth grade. Way to go on your mission to piss off the concerned parents. Last week you had gays, this week you mention 6th graders doing the deed AND Mommy finding Serena’s sex tape!

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Serena explains that she was drunk with Nate and that’s when they had sex the night of the wedding.  Then, feeling guilty, Serena goes off to meet up with Georgina.

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As Serena tells Chuck, Nate and Blair the story, Mommy Lily is watching the video unfold for herself. Georgina says Serena is down for ANYTHING and hides the camera in the corner. Georgina and the guy do some cocaine as Serena throws up her liquor. Serena really isn’t feeling it, but the guy takes off her clothes, and Lily snaps the laptop shut with this look on her face.

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So what Lily doesn’t see is that Serena talks Sex Guy into doing a line of coke to keep him from having sex with her, as he doesn’t understand NO MEANS NO. The guy suddenly has a seizure from the drugs, Georgina comes back to stop Serena from calling 911 and tells Serena to get her stuff and leave. Serena then dials 911 from the guy’s phone before the two run into the night.

Not exactly a murder, but I am still going to call Serena a killer. The guy chose to do drugs, and the drugs killed him. Not Serena. But ok, Serena is a killer by using Soap Logic.

Sex Guy’s name is Pete. Serena hangs outside the hospital only to find out that Pete isn’t being saved. He’s dead. So Serena ran off to boarding school.

Now things make sense. Awesome, awesome reveal. Serena made a snuff film! And we still have half the episode left.

It’s the rehearsal dinner!

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Lily is NOT amused by the tape. But she also has wine, which does not help her case for yelling at Serena for being a drunken hussy. Of course, Serena is also being scolded for that sex tape Lily never saw the end of. Lily is going to send Serena to reformatory school as punishment! I’d just say she’d have to have Lily for a mother would be sufficient punishment enough but whatever.

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It’s Lisa Loeb!

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And someone sees Georgina and calls her Georgina! Dan is confused. Isn’t that Sarah?

Blair tells Lily that Serena is hurting and she needs a MOTHER. Lily is ASTOUNDED and OFFENDED that someone would say this to her. Blair responds by saying Lily doesn’t know everything that’s going on. How could Lily possibly know what is going on with her children’s’ lives when she has weddings to plan and billionaires to marry?

Nate calls Vanessa to tell her he’s going to take the SUBWAY. When Vanessa mentions Sarah is there, Nate warns V. not to trust this Sarah and that she’s actually Georgina Sparks. Darn, I wanted this to last a bit longer.

Nate: I only have a second. I’m on my way to Queens.
Blair: Ick. Gross. Why?
Nate: To meet Vanessa at a concert.
Blair: It just got grosser.

Lily informs Daddy Warbass that she’s a mother and has to deal with mother problems. Daddy Warbass is shocked that Lily is aware she is a mother.

Spotted: With friends like these, who needs armies?

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Lily takes Serena to visit the family of Pete (Sex Guy) so Serena can learn to deal with her demons.

Lisa Loeb is the host, not performing. Booo.

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And Vanessa showed up wearing this. Booo.

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Vanessa confronts Georgina, and Georgina plays coy. “I don’t know any Georgina!” Mhmm. Dan shows up just as “Sarah” walks off, and Dan fails to judge Vanessa on her outfit, leaving it up to the viewers to do so. *collective judging of Vanessa on her outfits going on now*He doesn’t understand why someone would lie about their name.

Then we see Lily and Serena walking out of Pete’s family’s house. Guess Michelle Trachtenberg and Lisa Loeb used all the alotted money for guest stars, as we never saw the family of Pete. But they apparently don’t blame Serena as Pete has had a coke problem for ten years (which would make him a statutory rapist anyway.) Lily realizes that Serena is a GOOD PERSON and apologizes for doubting her.

Lisa Loeb *is* performing “Stay (I Missed You)”. Booo. (I never liked that song, but Lisa Loeb is still cool.)

Georgina makes up a sob story about a jealous ex she is hiding from to stay on Dan Dan’s good side and says she is falling for Dan as Lisa Loeb performs.

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Rufus Humphrey is performing with Lincoln Hawk. Booo.

Now I see why Dan was happy to skip out with Georgina to miss Lincoln Hawk.

Vanessa is not happy Nate brought guests.

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Then Serena shows up, wondering why Blair is there. Blair lies and says she’s a “big Lincoln Hawk fan.” Right, and Serena is a virgin.

Lily is about to call her fiancée, but instead listens to Lincoln Hawk. WTF?

Spotted kissing! Oh wait, no one cares enough about the parents to send THIS tip into Gossip Girl. Isn’t Lily supposed to be getting married soon?

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Georgina calls Serena to let her know she’s with Dan and she’s going to seduce him. Serena says Dan is too good, and Georgina hangs up, losing the battery of the phone on purpose. What game is she playing?

If I were you, S., I’d be worried. In the city that never sleeps, a lot can happen in one night. Sweet dreams, Serena. XOXO Gossip Girl

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