Much I Do About Nothing. Episode 1×18.

It’s here, the Season One finale of Gossip Girl. It’s been a long season. So long everyone has forgotten that Nate’s Captain Forgotten Plot Point is rotting away in prison. Serena has maintained a steady relationship (good for her!). Blair lost her virginity to Chuck and then re-lost it to Nate. Georgina came to town, and we found out that Serena once killed a man in a snuff film. Good thing she turned down that cocaine!

So how will Season 1 end? Will the gang get revenge on Georgina, or will Dan Dan fall for her evil tricks? (Seriously, Georgina, if you’re so desperate to piss off Serena that you’d try to seduce DAN…) Will Nate remember his father? Will Jenny ever be ungrounded? Will Lily marry Daddy Warbass or go back to slumming it in Brooklyn with the Humphrey’s! Will Blair even be forgive by Nate or Chuck? Will Nate realize that he’s dating VANESSA? Will any of these questions be answered? Let’s find out!

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Serena keeps calling Dan, who isn’t answering, and says she must have filled up his voice message box. Is voice messaging still a thing? I’m out of the loop. It seems dated, but it could be just because I use Whatsapp or email as I hate phones. Anyway, she’s going over to his place.

WTF? Lily, it’s your wedding day and that is NOT the man you’re about to marry! It’s Rufus!

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Lincoln Hawk is going on tour! I hope off screen. Lily is in shock that she behaved like a whore. Viewers are like “Umm, not surprised.¨

Lily isn’t the ONLY one shocked at who she’s waking up next to!

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They fell asleep while plotting revenge against Georgina.

Blair: It’s not like you ever do anything athletic.
Chuck: That’s not entirely true now, is it?
Blair: Fine, nothing that requires removing your scarf.

Oooh, it was Captain Rehab, not Captain in Prison, but Captain Forgotten Plot Point is back to run with Nate. How convenient. I bitch about the forgotten plot point, and it’s back. Blah Mother is in the Hamptons dealing with landscapers and is ignoring Lily’s Fourth Wedding! Captain Takes a Weird Phone Call.

Awkward:

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Serena arrives at Casa de Losers and finds Georgina. So she tells Dan Dan the whole story. Dan judges both Serena *and* Georgina. The relationship looks to be over between Lonely Boy and S.

Daddy Warbass shows Lily the first building he ever bought and asked her if he should let it go. Turns out the building is a metaphor for Rufus and Daddy Warbass wants Lily to let go of her past too. Mariah Carey wrote a song about “The Art of Letting Go”, but it’s from 2013, so it wouldn’t do these two any good in 2008.

Blair brings Dan Dan into the plot for revenge, and his call to Georgina, on her way out of town, makes Georgina have the limo driver turn around so Georgina can ensure her victory in the war. Blair compliments Dan Dan on his lying ability and says the line about “last night” was genius. It would be a really bad idea for the writers to think that based on this cute scene between Dan and Blair that the two have romantic potential, as they do not.  Snarky frenemies, sure, but anything romantic would be as gross as Vanessa.

Dan meets up with Georgina and tells her the truth. Blair shows up with Georgina’s parents in tow with a one-way ticket to boot camp for troubled girls. Poor Georgina. Guess running away from rehab after selling her show pony for cocaine didn’t work out too well after all.

Blair reminds Georgina, “Haven’t you heard? I’m the crazy bitch around here.”

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I wonder if we’ll ever see Georgina again. I have a feeling boot camp won’t stick…

Before Rufus takes off for the reunion tour of Lincoln Hawk, Dan tells his daddy that Serena had asked Lily to stay away because of Serena and Dan’s relationship. Uh oh. Plot anvil.

Spotted: Little J. playing Dress-Up Barbie with Vanessa.

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Spotted: Viewers judging both Little J. and Vanessa on this fashion atrocity as if we were Dan the Judging Judger Humphrey.

MGMT plays as the wedding final preparations take place and guests arrive in a time-lapse. “Look, we’re an indie movie!”

Spotted:

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Blair tells Chuck that they are over, but really over and gives him a knee to the groin. Nate shows up and there is awkward tension between Chuck and Nate.

Chuck sees Captain Liar Liar Pants on Fire make a suspicious transaction with a fellow not of the Upper East Side. If he were Dan Dan, JUDGING would be taking place right now. He’s not though so he has his bodyguard keep an eye on Captain Suspicious Behaviour.

Spotted with a Wine Glass, Of Course:

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Rufus arrives, tots underdressed, to interrupt an intimate moment between Lily and her wine.

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Lily tries to explain to Rufus that she is marrying Bart and that’s that.

Lily: I love Bart, and not just cause he has money, as I have enough money, not that you can ever have enough money.

Dan tells Serena he didn’t sleep with Georgina but he wanted to. Nice one. Not.

Wait, no one even stands for Lily walking down the aisle? They just turn around and watch, making comments like “That is off-white and not actually white, right?” and “Eh, I stood up the first three times. This seat is comfy.”

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Gossip Girl starts her voice over here

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But ends with Dan and Serena looking at each other.

Dearly beloved: We are gathered here in the face of this company to watch this man (Dan) and this woman (Serena) totally eff things up.

Nate is a bit miffed Chuck has been watching his father and doesn’t want to believe Captain Could Be A Worse Parent Than Even Lily might still be doing drugs. Captain Doesn’t Want To Do Time bought a fake passport to skip town and wasn’t going to say goodbye to Nate or anything. Nate punches his father. Team Nate.

Blair decides to tell Vanessa that it’s not the easiest dating an Archibald, and the two trade barbs.

Vanessa: Blair, I’m with Nate and you’re at the singles’ table. Deal with it.

Blair: Though falling in love with someone who’s in love with Serena. You already know how that feels, don’t you?

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Nate and Chuck then make up. Nate is shocked that Chuck said he loved Blair as Nate was still holding out hope for something more than a bromance, of course. Vanessa arrives before the reunited bromance takes off to Chuck’s suite.

Serena doesn’t want to break up, but Dan officially ends the relationship.

Chuck makes the toast of the Best Man, talking about perserverence and forgiveness while staring at Blair. I hope those two crazy kids make it.

The chemistry is ooooooozing off the screen now.

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Chuck and Blair kiss and make up. #TeamChair. The photographer wants a picture of Dan and Serena dancing. Awkward moment with no kiss and make up.

ONE WEEK LATER

Rufus is on tour!

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Little J. got an internship with Waldorf Designs! Uh oh.

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Blair’s packing for a week in Tuscany with Chuck.

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Seriously, Chuck?

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Seriously, Vanessa?

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Turns out Punky Brewster (Vanessa) and Man Bangs (Nate) have broken up off screen. That’d be a scene I’d like to have seen, dammit.

Uh oh, look who ran into each other.

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Serena: Blair and Chuck. Now there’s a couple you can root for.

META  ALERT.

Serena tells Nate if he wants to reflect alone, together, she’ll be around. This comes after she reminds Nate the summer makes her “frisky”. Right. It’s  “the summer” that makes Serena “frisky” and not, I don’t know, being awake.

Daddy Warbass gives Chuck a pep talk about relationships, and Chuck gets scared. He ignores the text from Blair saying she can’t wait to see him…as Lily’s interior decorator Amelia comes in. He decides to seduce Amelia by asking what plans she has for his room.

Amelia: Who are you?
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass.

Blair finds out that Chuck’s father is “getting in late”…or in other words, he has left Blair stranded. She takes off with the pilot in the jet to Tuscany.

They say a leopard can’t change his spots, but some things do change.

The path not taken can become a road trip.

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Being grounded can lead to something groundbreaking.

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And whether they’re sweating it out on the sultry sidewalks or cooling their heels in the Hamptons, no one does summer like New Yorkers.

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Grab your shades and sunblock. This one looks like a scorcher. Until then, you know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl

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Hey, writers? Go fuck yourselves. You know you love us, XOXO, Angry Chair Fans.

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