Never Been Marcused. Episode 2×02

Three words, eight letters and I’m yours. Last week, Blair said those words to Chuck. I wonder what those three words could be. I am gay is only six and just doesn’t make sense for Blair to *want* to hear those words. I like boys is 9. I do anal is 7. This is a hard game for Chuck. No wonder he allowed Blair to take off with Lord of Boring whose name I have already forgotten. Lord of Boring is good enough for me. Where does the show go from here? (Yes, I know Blair meant “I love you” but allowing Chuck to say it so early in the second season would mean tons less angst for these two, and their angst is part of why they work. I mean, they are teenagers, even if they drink like Lily most episodes.)

Oh, his name is Marcus. Now the episode title makes sense. I also forgot Dan and Serena got back together. It’s only been a week since I watched the last episode. I’m getting old! Granted, watching these 20 somethings play teens sure makes me feel old…thank God for the recaps.

vlcsnap-2014-06-28-14h49m00s26Apparently it’s legal to sleep on the beach in the Hamptons.

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How cute. Serena isn’t sure if she should get back with Dan Dan, and Dan Dan actually thought by having sex with Serena it meant they WERE back together. Oh Dan Dan. How little you know about S. She says she’ll see him in New York with clothes on.

Gossip Girl is giving summer advice, like knowing whether your summer fling is around to stay. Blair, wearing a hideous outfit, is out biking with Marcus Boring, Lord of the Boring and asks him what’s next.

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Blair explains to Serena like it’s Roman Holiday in reverse. She’s Gregory Peck and he’s Audrey Hepburn. Hey Blair, suggest it to Lord of Boring as he might be into it. It would make him less boring if he dressed up like Audrey Hepburn. She says it is NOT revenge on Chuck, as “Revenge is so 12 hours ago.”

It was a bad idea to give this guy a promotion:

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And then American Chuck, played by Brit Ed Westwick, says they should be civil to each other despite sharing the forever Eenie Meanie Miney Mo Lover Blair because the Brits are civil.

Blair wonders what happened to Serena (apparently it’s the morning after the White Party. One point for continuity) and if she went home with the lifeguard or “another disposable”. Yep, Dan Dan is totally disposable. Serena runs into Dan Dan at the bus back into New York.

Blair is not enthused at seeing Chuck trying out a new bromance with Lord of Boring. Charles has made a date with Lord of Boring to play squash! Brilliant! Then they can go plait (braid) each other’s hair at Wimbeldon before having the typical British dish bangers-in-the-mouth! (For Americans, this means “sausages-in-the-mouth”. I hear Americans just say sausages though. Yes, you will get 1000 life points for knowing what I just intertextualized in a Gossip Girl recap.)

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Chuck: It’s just a game.
Blair. Not to me, Basshole.

Oh joy! It’s Nate and Blah Mom wearing Chuck’s favourite colour, purple! Blah Mom is all upset that Captain On The Run has caused their accounts to be frozen. THE ARCHIBALDS ARE WITHOUT MONEY! OH NO! He then gets a text from Catherine, and thanks to the 2008 Smart Phone, I know how to spell her name now. (I could have IMDB’d Twin Peaks waitress (I actually did), but it’s more fun mocking spelling of names. How much fun would it have been to have her be named Khathyrin? I’m just calling her Twin Peaks Robinson now.)

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Twin Peaks Robinson is horny and tells Nate they will be more careful in the city.

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Then Mrs. Robinson gets a phone call from her son.

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Aww, how cute, Nate and Blair are dating mother and son! Blair goes back to the city with Lord of Boring after buying champagne. Blair, who we just saw turn 17 last season, has bought alcohol with no fake ID whatsoever. Gossip Girl lives in its own little reality that makes sloppy storytelling easier for them.

And then the show stretches reality even further by saying Serena would take a bus.

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Right, because we all eat chocolate covered strawberries on the bus.

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Right, Serena gets up to use the toilet (I presume) and falls on Dan’s lap.

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Oh, and then takes Dan to fornicate in the bus toilet. First season Serena is long gone, folks, and it’s only the second episode of season 2.

Blair invites Lord of Boring to a fictitious Back to the City party, and then texts Dorota “911, we have a party to plan!” Oh this should be fun!

Another pair of lovebirds take a limo back to the city. Nate says that Chuck is outmatched, and Chuck Bass doth protest. He has tons of practice with Daddy Warbass. Nate says “No, as a guy. Blair wants to be a princess, and your only achievement is owning part of a burlesque club.” Wait, Nate. Blair doesn’t want to be a princess. She wants to be QUEEN. Get it right. I digress. Nate is just jealous that Chuck has a new playmate.

vlcsnap-2014-06-28-15h26m53s247Oh, hells bells. I thought she just vanished over the summer, but there pops up Vanessa, dressing more horrible than ever. Vanessa’s been busy turning the storage room at Rufus’ gallery into a café. Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.

vlcsnap-2014-06-28-15h29m47s198Nate arrives home to the FBI going through his private things. Nate just hopes his collection of Hunky Brits Playing Americans porn stash and his pot stash aren’t discovered.

The Squash Game actually takes place, and Gossip Girl wonders if “Chuck is just on his way to a new bromance or if Blair is about to lose her bid to be British.” I hope a lot of the second and none of the first as this guy is a total dud. Shouldn’t Lords be charming and attractive and, I don’t know, interesting?

Blair tells Dorota to up the ante on the guest list to make it the bestest party ever.

Serena: If you can’t find common ground with a dictator, I don’t know who can.

Chuck sells his shares in Vitrola in an attempt to win Blair from the Lord of Boring. Just random scene to build the Nate-Chuck Bromance and not much else. Then Dan Dan and Serena decide that yes, really, yes, they really need to take some time this time, for real, no more bus sex. But after Serena has him come to Blair’s party to impress Lord of Boring about his knowledge of the Premiere League. Pfft, the only league that matters is the Spanish BBVA League.

Oh no! Nate is having coffee with Vanessa, and she mentions she has a sister! THERE ARE MORE ABRAMS OUT THERE. Now Gossip Girl is just becoming American Horror Story horror. Blah Mom calls to let him know she got a loan and refuses to say where she got the loan from. I bet she’s now dancing tables at Vitrola. That wouldn’t be Blah.

Chuck meets with Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks and finds out she’s not Lord of Boring’s birth mom. This is getting to be too complicated, even for a soap.

Lordy lordy, look who’s 40. Or at least a well-preserved 38. We knew Chuck had a thing for older women, but is this risky business or strictly business?

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Oh for crying out loud. What teen would throw this party?

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Dan would be for Chelsea. Insert eye roll here. 

I thought they were going to stay away from each other. The staying away from each other did last longer than most of Serena’s relationships though.

vlcsnap-2014-06-28-16h44m12s54Chuck then introduces Blair to the Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks, but waits until Blair says Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks should be a poster child for the side effects of too much Botox before he tells her who Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks is (step mommy of Lord of Boring.)

Vanessa is home schooled. That explains EVERYTHING. Rufus hires her to run the gallery so he can go out on tour again. The audience continues to yawn and wonder if they have time for a toilet break before more interesting characters, like the Lord of Boring or a professor of physics, show up.

The face of Blair apologizing to Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks and trying to get in her good graces. Chuck didn’t tell any of Blair’s secrets, but Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks is not going to let her son or step son or whatever end up with a “lowly Waldorf.” Right, so she wants him with a vd Woodsen? An Abrams? A HUMPHREY? And Waldorf is the lowly one here?

Awkward moment. What’s this? Chuck’s Date and Blair’s Date are mother and son? And Nate and Blair are exes? And Nate and the mother are in a book club? Now there’s a novel plot twist. I didn’t know Dr. Seuss had book clubs, but good for them!

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A moment to celebrate a few good fashion choices.

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Nate then gets pissy with his bf or BFF (I forget which) because Chuck loaned the money to Blah Mom. Or something.  Nate then catches Dan and Serena going at it in an elevator (or lift for the British royalty). So much for staying away from each other.

Nate then worries about being Blair’s father-in-law one day. I can’t make this ish up.

A voice mail from Jenny and a walk around the house make Rufus reconsider his decision to go on tour. I continue this exciting game of Suduku.

Duchess Robison of Twin Peaks makes Nate an indecent proposal to help his family out.

Spotted:

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Blair: Oh my effing God!

And so Duchess Robinson of Twin Peaks decides to allow Blair to see her stepson (I think) so Blair doesn’t tell anyone she’s committing statutory rape with Nate.

If Vanessa’s outfit wasn’t offensive enough, here comes Little Jenny Humphrey. Dan, make yourself useful for once and take her back to the train and leave her there, PLEASE.

vlcsnap-2014-06-28-17h06m20s255     And now it’s Humphrey meal time! Oh joy!

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It’s a slumber party at the Bass-VD Woodsen residence! Blair is ecstatic over her victory, and as Chuck still can’t say those three words, eight letters (Ex-gay ministry? Nope. HIV-neg? Nope. I am still clueless.), she rubs it into his face.

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Nate calls Vanessa to let her know he can’t make it, and they make plans to hang out later. Yawn. And Vanessa got all dolled up for it.

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WAIT, Nate just accepted money for sexual favours from the Duchess of Twin Peaks! He is a male prostitute! Oh my! I thought Serena would turn out to be the professional whore, but Nate beat her to it. Nate Archibald, Male Gigalo.

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Every summer, vacationers traverse the globe in search of new sights and experiences. But when it comes to scandal, I’ll take Manhattan every time. Welcome home, Upper East Siders. You know you missed me. XOXO Gossip Girl

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