The Dark Night. Episode 2×03.

Last time on Gossip Girl, we learned that Nate is being paid by Blair’s Lord of Boring Boyfriend’s Mommy, Duchess of Twin Peaks, for sex. Just where do we go from here?

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h09m25s26   Advice from Gossip Girl on how to beat the heat (102ºF!)

1. Drink plenty of fluids (Seems more Lily’s style but she is his stepmommy now)

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h10m59s2192. Stay out of the sun

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h11m54s5

3. Limit all physical activity (that is, within reason) (for Serena, this means only ONE boyfriend)

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h12m02s59

Lord of Boring won’t put out because “Blair is a delicate little flower” and he wants the moment to be special (and probably because he’s getting it from some trendy Chelsea or Village bathhouse). Blair wants some nookie, dammit!

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h12m36s170

Spotted in their first horrible fashion DON’TS of the episode, Jenny and Vanessa on the phone.Little J. tells Vanessa to call Nate, and Vanessa says J. is right, Vanessa is “not the whiny should I call him girl?” Right. She is the annoying, pointless, waste of airtime character.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h14m42s146 vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h14m47s178

Nate’s accounts are still frozen, and the being paid by a Duchess storyline is getting old. Vanessa calls and Nate makes plans, lying to Duchess of Twin Peaks.

Spotted by a random extra and sent to Gossip Girl, the couple wanting to hide the relationship until Blair’s Party of the Week.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h18m54s111 vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h19m29s206

The Humphreys are ecstatic. This is their only ticket into being someone!

Duchess of Twin Peaks is now spying on Nate who is talking to Vanessa. Yawwn.

Just another awesome shot.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h23m00s12

Serena is pissy that Blair hasn’t congratulated her on  the reunion with Dan Dan. Blair does not approve, and remember, in Blair’s world, if she doesn’t like something, it doesn’t exist. Blair tells Serena the exact same thing Rufus told Dan Dan, that Saran Wrap (is that the couple name? If not, it should be.) needs to discuss their issues like adults. Serena leaves in a huff. The Duchess of Twin Peaks calls Blair, and Blair blabs all about Vanessa, the Hussy of Brooklyn.

Nate pays Chuck a visit. It’s too early for even Nate to smoke illegal substances, but Chuck’s already at it. Nate asks Chuck for money, but it’s all tied up on bonds. Nate says that’s okay, especially if Nate himself can be all tied up in Chuck’s bed. Unfortunately for the bromance that’s a little too gay, Chuck has already ordered in something special from Japan.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h28m24s174

Little J’s internship at Waldorf Designs involves cleaning up bulimia vomit and being “one of the little birds from Cinderella” that don’t offer opinions on bad-fitting outfits.

For those wondering where Lily is, she’s on a honeymoon in Shanghai. That would be far more interesting than Duchess of Twin Peaks paying Nate for sex. “Yes, but you see, this tea has not been made correctly. It is 1 part tea to five parts whiskey. Oh hell, I have to call my daughter.” We just see Serena *taking* the call without seeing Mommie Dearest, all so Middle School Mean Girls can tell Dan Dan he is wrong for taking Serena back. I’m not making that part up. Two of them are Team Dan, and the other one is Team Serena just cos Dan kissed Georgina. The things Gossip Girl is causing. Saran Wrap procrastinate talking about their feelings.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h33m48s91

Blair: What an unusual little space. Half gallery, half bo-ho coffee shop, but then unusual pairings seem to be the order of the day.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h37m06s21 Blair is not enthused to see her ex with Vanessa. Honestly, if you’re dating Vanessa it is always a step down but to go from Blair to Vanessa? Nate’s really dumpster diving there. She says Vanessa is invited to the party as she wants to see Nate happy. Nate doesn’t buy it. Blair is not going to stand for Nate shagging her boyfriend’s mommy! It’s what the Duchess of Twin Peaks wanted though. Blair just reminded the Duchess that her bedroom is off limits. Thank God.

Awkward moment, seeing your stepbrother’s Japanese hooker or “stewardess” slink out the morning after.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h43m38s96

Turns out Chuck is having erectile dysfunction problems. Serena thinks it is because the little chucker now only wants one thing. Blair. However, she is against Chuck using Blair to “clean his pipes.” Problems you’ll never see on Saved by the Bell.

Eleanor walks in on Jenny criticizing HER design. First, Eleanor has no clue who Little J. is. (Team Eleanor). Then she realizes she’s been gone a while when interns have opinions. Little J. is FIRED.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h48m10s0

Nate runs into Lord of Boring while running in 100º heat (which, to his credit, Lord of Boring actually questions the sanity of) and finds out Duchess of Twin Peaks is coming to the party. Nate cancels on Vanessa.

Huh, the Dan and Serena fans on the Gossip Girl blog sound like the fans posting online. “Most people think I’m an ass, but a passionate minority hold I’m just an idiot.” GOSSIP GIRL GOES META!

I just want to question this inappropriate chemistry between Rufus and Vanessa and if the writers are going to go there. Rufus tells Vanessa to claim she never got the message and to go to the party. Now we’re talking. BRING ON THE DRAMA!

NELLY YUKI IS BACK!

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h55m47s220

And the chemistry sizzles off the screen into our bodies. *fans self*

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h56m20s42

Blair *might* consider Oxford over Yale for the Lord of Boring! Chuck tries to talk Blair into having sex with him, turning on all his charm and chemistry. Blair turns him down, but the audience is ready and willing.

Serena is late, and Dan lies, saying she looks great in this outfit. They make awkward small talk waiting for the elevator.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h58m56s64

Nate’s none too happy to see the Duchess. And Vanessa shows up, wearing this little horrible number and annoyed Nate is with Duchess of Twin Peaks.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h01m09s107

New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour, but to me this is not scary, cos I stay away from DAIRRRRYYYY. –Phoebe Buffay.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h02m25s100

It’s a blackout! Just to make things even more interesting!

Vanessa confronts Nate, and he admits to boinking the Duchess of Twin Peaks. Vanessa is upset, but Nate tries to console her. “She’s paying me!” Yeah, Nate isn’t too smart to begin with, and this only proves it. That’s what every woman wants to hear when they find the guy they’re interested in is boinking other women. “It’s only because she’s paying me, honey!”

Blair takes charge during the blackout, handing out candles and reassuring that the power will be back in a minute, or by the end of the episode at the very longest. They’re not going to do a two-part episode in non-sweeps month.

Princess of Twin Peaks: I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
Blair: Hot young guy. Ageing beauty enjoying her last hurrah before the surgeries start. It’s called a cliché.

But how does Duchess of Twin Peaks know that her son isn’t putting out? She taunts Blair with this information that she’ll never get sex with Marcus. Marcus must be gay.

Saran Wrap are conveniently trapped in the elevator during the blackout so they will conveniently have time to talk about their issues. Dan Dan learns by using Serena vd Woodsen’s name, things get done quicker when they ignore his call but will send someone once they find out that SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN is stuck in an elevator! By golly, Serena is Queen of the World!

Even Eleanor (who has yet to go see her daughter, and yet I call LILY a bad mother) won’t send Jenny out into the blackout and asks for Little J.’s advice on her latest fashion (a pilgrim at a funeral). This is akin to asking Hobby Lobby for birth control advice. (What? Too soon?) At least Eleanor didn’t ask VANESSA for fashion advice.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h17m24s131Nate opens up and tells Vanessa everything that is going on, and this changes everything! As long as he stops being Nate Archibald, Male Gigilo, Vanessa will take him back.

Blair tries to seduce her boyfriend.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h17m48s116

And after the commercial break, we’ll find out if Chuck goes up in Lord of Boring’s place and if Duchess of Twin Peaks and Vanessa get into a catfight! The CW knows how to ensure a return after the commercial break. You gotta give them that.

Vanessa calls the Duchess of Twin Peaks “disgusting”. The Duchess points out that Vanessa is the one wanting to take him back after it.

Yep, it’s Chuck who goes up to Blair’s room in the dark. He even dons a British accent, but I swear it’s him and not Lord of Boring.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h26m25s165

Eleanor confesses to Little J. that she is afraid of becoming irrelevant like any normal fashion designer would fear, and that’s why she fired Jenny for her comments. Jenny tells a sob story about how she bought a Waldorf Designs dress when she was 12 and wore it around the house which made her want to become a designer. Eleanor is not interested, preferring Jenny continue to hold the flashlight. Again, Team Eleanor.

Dan tries to jump out of the elevator to avoid talking about his feelings with Serena. Serena gets mad. I am Team Serena now.

Serena: Fine. Life’s not fair because it doesn’t fit with the way you, Dan Humphrey, think things should be. But why are you always right?

DUMP HIM, S! DUMP HIM! Dan falls from trying to take the ceiling off, and Serena then forgives him for Georgina. Dan forgives her for not telling him about the night she killed someone during a filmed bout of sex and cocaine. But they realize they’re not going to change. And for the first time in his life, Dan Dan doesn’t feel like talking.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h35m33s13

In the catfight that never came to be, Duchess of Twin Peaks scared Vanessa back to Brooklyn. In a blackout. And the lights come on just when Nate comes in looking for Vanessa to tell her he couldn’t find Duchess of Twin Peaks.

It *was* Chuck!

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h36m33s106

Lord of Boring is none too happy to have walked in on this! Sure, Blair only started making out with Chuck because Chuck had an accent! She’ll kiss ANY Brit! And Lord of Boring punches out Chuck. Lord of Boring is about to leave Blair, accusing her of just wanting his title, when Blair demands that he show her he wants her. Instead of leaving, he kisses her. DAMMIT BLAIR. We were so close to being rid of him! Of course, Chuck witnesses this, because I mean, this is the exact conversation you want to have at a huge party with everyone having 2008’s idea of Smart Phones able to send things to Gossip Girl to put on the Internet for the world to see.

Nate runs into Vanessa who hadn’t made it out yet, and she tells him to be with Duchess of Twin Peaks as the Duchess LOVES Nate. No, the Duchesses loves underage boys and should be arrested.

Rufus shows up at Waldorf Designs with his DATE, Clair/Clare. He wants to make sure Little J. is okay. This reminds Eleanor she has a daughter she should probably call. Oopsie! Anyway, after the blackout bonding, Jenny is unfired! Wow! I am totally surprised!

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h42m23s21

Dan and Serena are over. A goodbye kiss.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h45m12s171

Chuck still can’t have sex if it’s not Blair, even in a limo.

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h46m20s85

Vanessa tells Dan Dan that if Nate left Duchess of Twin Peaks, the Duchess would go to the FBI and tell them where Captain Out of the Picture And Off The Show is hiding, so that’s why she left him. Now things make sense, at least.

Love may fade with the season, but some friendships are year-round. Like you and me. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-14h49m37s11

Leave a Reply