The Ex-Files. Episode 2×04.

Saran Wrap has been tossed aside! What will Dan Dan and Serena ever do now? How will fans cope? Whatever will Gossip Girl post about?

vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h08m09s21It’s the first day of senior year! Gossip Girl is ready for a new social dynasty. I don’t buy it. Like these kids ever go to school. And look who’s back for the occasion! Don’t tell me she’s going to try to be a mother. (Those are the words coming out of her mouth, that she’s feeling motherly.) Also don’t tell me there isn’t vodka in that orange juice. Married life couoldn’t have changed Lily that much. Bart has business and can’t be bothered. Chuck informs Lily that Serena is a single lady (although Lily didn’t know Saran Wrap had reunited) and could be queen, but Serena says that’s Chuck Blair’s role.

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Dan tells Rufus at breakfast that he heard some hussy sneak out, and he JUDGES her (Rufus’ hussy is named Clair or Clare or Klaire) on the sounds her shoes made scuttling out the door. He judges Rufus for burning the waffles and then judges himself and Serena for breaking up. He later judges the month of September for causing school to start just after his breakup with Serena. Although Little J. met Clair/Clare/Klaire last episode, Rufus doesn’t want his daughter to know he got laid. Dan judges this too. Then Jenny says she doesn’t want to go to school as she doesn’t want to deal with Blair and Her Minions. Dan judges Jenny for having been born a girl.

Blair and the Mean Girls (including NELLY YUKI) are interviewing new candidates for the “Projects” and see who will be their “Victims”. UES royalty is taken very seriously. Chuck is also taking applications for his sex partners. Although Eric, who is gay, is around, Chuck still pretends these are girls and not male go-go dancers.

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Nelly Yuki should have gotten a spin off. 

I don’t even have words for THIS Fashion Don’t.

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The Fashion Atrocity gives Nate the cold shoulder. Just go look for Chuck, Nate, and don’t worry your pretty little head.

Little J is a victim from the Mean Girls already! She doesn’t exist! Only in our dreams would Jenny not exist.

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Dan runs into a new transfer, Amanda, while stalking and judging Serena for not being able to be found to be stalked!

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Blair speaks another true truth when she tells S. Whoever dates first wins, and with your ex being Dan Humphrey, you win by default.” This, of course, means Serena and Blair run right into Dan flirting with Transfer Student Too New To Realize Humphrey Is Brooklyn For Hipster Loser. Blair decides to make New Girl a Victim.

Duchess of Twin Peaks shows up at the gallery to gloat in Vanessa’s face and thank her for giving up her futile quest to win Nate’s heart away from Chuck. The two bond over their love for a gay man and go to a mani-pedi. Duchess of Twin Peaks gives Vanessa a check for $5,000 and takes off before Vanessa can refuse it. Be carefull, Duchess of Twin Peaks, as the last time someone tried to pay her off, a donation was made to the Herpes Foundation in Chuck’s name. At least the Duchess of Twin Peaks bought a bit of fashion taste usually lacking in Brooklyn.

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Dan and Serena finally run into each other and decide to be FRIENDS. Then New Girl Amanda shows up and Serena is JEALOUS, making the show once again utterly unrealistic. Chuck takes a pic of Dan Dan and the New Girl and sends it into Gossip Girl. I find it hard to believe he had this phone model in 2008. Blair and Her Minions start plotting.

vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h40m29s224 vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h42m08s188vlcsnap-2014-07-08-16h42m01s123Lily drops by to pay Rufus a visit and they remember old times, like the time she went 30 minutes without an alcoholic drink 20 years ago. I’m bored.

Blair is trying to keep New Girl away from Dan Dan so Serena won’t feel bad. Serena doesn’t give an ish. I’m still bored.

Vanessa goes to return the check to Duchess of Twin Peaks and stumbles upon this scene. I literally OMG’d! I’m no longer bored! I totally had forgotten this!

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Talk about an Oedipus Complex! Lord of Boring is sleeping with his stepmommy, Duchess of Twin Peaks!

Chuck warns Dan about the game Blair (and supposedly includes Serena) are playing with New Girl, and Dan judges niceness too. Vanessa calls Dan, presumably to tell him about the Royal Orgy, and Dan judges her for interrupting his judging. Serena tells Blair to stop playing the game. I’m back to being bored.

Vanessa has taken photos of Royal Orgy and asks Dan what to do. He tells her to ask Blair, as if you “Google ‘revenge’, you’ll get blairwaldorf.com”. (Actually, you’ll get the show Connor Paolo left Gossip Girl to do.)

Dan and Serena have a tense conversation about the whole lunch Blair playing games blah blah blah thing and words are said, then New Girl Amanda shows back up and asks Dan Dan out. Now I’m yawning.

Blair dresses down to meet with Vanessa. Blair is extremely upset and warns Vanessa that neither she (V.) nor Dan can ever say anything or they will face the wrath of Blair. She cries as she enters revenge crazy bitch mode.

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Dan Dan is too busy taking his new girl out on the town (well she took him but still). The Mean Girls see everything.

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Jenny wakes Dan the next morning with her fury, and Chuck does the same with his stepsister. Serena is upset to find out the news from Gossip Girl, just as us fans are upset to see Vanessa wearing this:

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Serena makes a date with Dan and New Girl to discuss how things are going to be, as the lack of miscommunication is escalating problems that don’t exist. I just want to take a moment to share the lockers at these schools:

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Vanessa is worried that Blair isn’t taking action soon enough, but Blair is easing into it, asking if Lord of Boring calls Duchess of Twin Peaks “Mom” while shagging her. Then Duchess of Twin Peaks shows up with her TRACFONE.

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Seriously? They want us to believe, even though it is 2008, that a Duchess would use THAT phone? Hysterical! Or dated! I know iPhones weren’t allowed due to the Verizon sponsorship of the show, but seriously…it at least receives pictures, which is the point. Too bad that at the same time Blair is forcing the Incest Duo to come up with an exit strategy, Vanessa is butting her head into business that is not her’s once again to show the Duchess of Twin Peaks’ husband some photos.

Outfits for a night on the town

vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h09m54s212 vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h09m56s228Like Mother, Like Daughter:

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However, the Mean Girls have just introduced some random hot guy to Serena when she’s supposed to be talking things out with Dan and New Girl. Lacrosse Boy bores everyone with stories of lacrosse. Dan and Serena realize that a friendship is too soon, and Serena tells Dan to go. Chuck shows up in purple just in time to rub it in Dan Dan’s face.

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Blair tells Nate that the lying whore of a stepmother and her boring Lord son have left town AND she negotiated a deal where the Duchess of Twin Peaks will pay off Captain I Don’t Know What Paying Taxes Means debt. But Vanessa’s off-screen conversation with The Duke (I can only think of Moulin Rouge) means the deal is off. Uh oh.

Chuck is up to something with the Mean Girls, but I can’t figure out exactly what.

Lily shows up in Brooklyn with Pretty in Pink…and…guess what…are you ready…WINE!

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Rufus complains it is 9:00. So late for the Humphreys. But Lily is LONELY. Her kids are busy, Bart is doing more business in China, and she doesn’t have a wine bottle opener. Then Claire/Clare/Klaire shows up. Lily gives her wine to Rufus and goes off into the night.

Blair goes off on Vanessa, saying that the romantic date Vanessa said she thought she saw was her taking care of things and that Vanessa had ruined everything. Lives are in shambles.

Mean Girl Penelope throws the hair removal martini that Chuck made for her in New Girl’s hair. Uh oh! She storms off in a huff, and Dan blames and judges Serena. Serena then takes charge of the Mean Girls, and Gossip Girl warns if looks could kill, I wouldn’t want to be Dan Humphrey. I wouldn’t want to be Dan Humphrey in ANY circumstance, but I digress.

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I don’t know where they come up with these little ensembles for Vanessa or who in wardrobe Jessica Szohr pissed off to be dressed so atrociously.

vlcsnap-2014-07-08-17h35m23s137Nate goes off on Vanessa, and that relationship is also over, it appears.

The Mean Girls try to bully Jenny by throwing her trash purse and all the trash inside on the ground. Jenny isn’t too fazed, but later shows up at Waldorf Designs claiming a day off school and wanting to work. Oh Jenny.

Ooooh, turns out Chuck is paying New Girl Amanda to make Serena jealous. Why, well, who can ever explain what Chuck Bass is up to? Oh, to dethrone Blair as queen so Blair will go back to him, or to piss off Blair, or because he’s bored. He sends New Girl off to boarding school in Vermont, and I hope we never hear from her again.

Blair is not too happy about Serena taking her Queendom.

And over at St. Jude’s, Dan is finally made into the social pariah he really is as everyone leaves when he arrives. Team Everyone.

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Sorry Lonely Boy. Don’t’ say we didn’t try to warn you. But if Queen S. would do this to D., are any of us safe? Bow down or bow out. XOXO Gossip Girl

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