The Serena Also Rises. Episode 2×05.

So no more incestuous Dukes and Duchesses that pay Nate for sex and refuse to put out for Blair! I think we can all breathe a gigantic sigh of relief now. Also, Serena is Queen and not Blair! How is that going to go?

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It’s Fashion Week, which means Blair MUST wear elderly clothing!

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Actually, she’s doing the seating chart.

Humphrey is apparently applying to Yale. Isn’t that Blair’s thing? I thought Dan was a Dartmouth man. He’s changed his mind. Jenny is cutting class to help Eleanor.

Lily is seeing what her interior decorated has designed while she was off honeymooning, and she likes. Serena has been hanging out with Poppy Lifton. (Remember this name for later.) Serena gets super excited when she found out some pervert photographer took pictures of Lily wearing nothing but a wine glass.

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Chuck offers his services to Blair to help dethrone Serena, but Blair says she has Fashion Week to get her back on top. However, the Mean Girls are much more interested in Serena’s tabloid pics with Poppy Lifton.

Blair: The only person with fewer friends than you is Dan Humphrey, and at least his lame 90s Dad likes him.

Speaking of Lame Humphreys, a writer guy tells Dan his stories SUCK as they are all the same. Dan needs to get a life! The writer’s words, not mine.

Not enough A-listers (as Kirsten Dunst is so 2007) are coming to the Waldorf show, so Jenny suggests they use Serena’s connection to Poppy Lifton.

Chuck: It’s like the plague, only instead of vermin on my doorstep, I get the human being.

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Dan Dan shows up on Chuck’s doorstep wanting to get out of his comfort zone and experience new things. Chuck asks “Are you gay?” Dan Dan is not good enough to be on Team Gay! Duh! Anywho, Dan wants to experience the world of Chuck Bass “for his writing.” Lucky for him, Chuck is bored.

Jenny changed Blair’s seating chart! Uh oh! As Gossip Girl herself voiceovers, What’s fashion week without a fashion victim? Blair learns that Jenny has “independent study”, something not permitted for sophomores. Her plan for revenge starts with a “forgotten book at school”. I bet it’s The Prince by Machiavelli.

We need a gif with this quote now.

SHUT UP HUMPHREY

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Chuck then proceeds to give Dan Dan some type of pill (probably Jessie Spano’s caffeine pills) and encourages Dan Dan to chase them with shots. I hope Dan Dan OD’s and goes to hell.

This is Poppy Lifton, at dinner with Serena and her mommy.

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Lily, of course, has several glasses of wine around.

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Serena protests about sitting next to Poppy, knowing Blair would be mad that S isn’t with her backstage. Poppy says she can get Blair into the Marc Jacobs after party, which Serena thinks B. will be happy with. She doesn’t know B.

Blair shows up at Casa de Humphrey with chicken soup for the sick Jenny. “But I heard Jenny had been out with mono for 10 days!” Now, c’mon. To get mono, Jenny would have had to kiss someone, and what guy is desperate enough to go with Jenny?

Dan: How do you find so many twins?
Chuck: Twins find me.

Apparently there is a sex club behind White Castle. Chuck kicks Dan Dan out of the limo way before Brooklyn…in the rain.

Spotted, Dan Humphrey, shoeless and clueless. That’s all.

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Rufus walks into the Waldorfs and escorts Jenny home. Rufus is not at all happy. I hope he grounds her and keeps her in her room and off screen for several weeks! Instead, he makes her waffles as she reads the fashion previews and sulks like the sulky whiny teen she is. Now Jenny has to go into school on a Saturday to talk about things with Headmistress Queller. EXPEL HER ASS, PLEASE!

Blair is spotted wearing this when Serena comes to visit her in the morning.

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The two have words. Blair is pissy at Serena when Serena actually went with good intentions to try to compromise and help Blair’s mommy without hurting Blair, but Blair doesn’t want any of it. This means Serena gets pissy and decides to go ahead and sit in the front row and storms off. Fashion Week is stressful.

Dan’s writer adviser dude says his work is so “saccharin it is giving him cancer.” Team Writer Adviser Dude. Dan is judging his own characters. That takes talent. His Chuck Bass is “Charlie Trout”. Writer Adviser Dude tells Dan to write from Charlie Trout’s point of view.

Daddy Warbass bought Lily’s secret nude photo. Uh oh.

Serena and Poppy march into the fashion show to the sound of “Poker Face” to find that while Poppy is still front row, Serena has somehow been moved to the nosebleeds. Thank you, Blair. Little J. and Eleanor doth protest, and Serena gets her front row seat.

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Chuck calls Daddy Warbass so they can have drinks, but Daddy Warbass is “too jetlagged and tired and has too many things to do.” Dan Dan shows up to judge and annoy for round two.

Spotted, Blair scheming to ruin Jenny dressed fabulously.

vlcsnap-2014-07-31-14h38m01s217Chuck is interrogated by Dan the Judgeman which bores him, so he hits on a woman that turns out not to be a hooker. Her boyfriend gets mad, so Dan the Judgeman throws a punch to save Chuck from getting punched. Umm. Ok then.

Rufus returns home to no Jenny and a message on an answering machine (how quaint!) from Headmistress Queller that Jennifer is in more trouble than ever. Uh oh. I say punish her to having Humphrey Hair. Wait, no, that’ll affect our eyesight. Punish her to have to be Dan’s sister.

Little J. ignores her father’s calls and finds out Blair told all the models to go home, which will make Jenny look HORRIBLE. Team Blair.

Dan and Chuck are now in jail. You can commence with the prison gay sex jokes now. Dan is worried that his dad is going to kill him (Rufus is having a bad night!) when Chuck says Dan is lucky to have a dad that gives a damn. They have a heart to heart about his father and how Daddy Warbass hates Chuck as his mother died in childbirth. Chuck says he’ll see what he can do to get Dan released into Chuck’s lawyer’s custody.

Daddy Warbass does have time to see his new wife, Lily!

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He gives her a necklace and says that the naked photo was deeply hidden. She also wants to see the Lily Bass dossier he has.

Little J’s idea to use the socialites is a success! However, Serena is reluctant. Poppy tells her that she shouldn’t allow Blair to steal her light and Serena should shine if Serena wants to shine. Lucky for Serena, when she decides to go ahead and do it, Blair has just the perfect dress for the finale!

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Turns out the dress is one of Jenny’s designs, not Eleanor’s! Quelle horror.

Jenny realizes that Blair is jealous of Serena, which makes absolutely no sense as Blair is more intelligent and more beautiful than Serena could ever hope to be.

They mix up Chuck and Dan’s things at the police station, so Chuck reads the story Dan wrote about him. This should be good drama.

Lily says she wants to be honest and is a bit offended by the dossier when Daddy Warbass hands her an envelope saying “This is something you want your kids to know?” Lily is upset. “Who gave this to you? It was the 80’s. We all had hair like that!” and breaks down crying. What *is* that envelope hiding?

Chuck leaves Dan to rot in jail and says that his mother died in a plane accident in the Andes when he was six. Hmmm.

Name drop alert. André Leon Talley apparently loves the line, especially the dress Jenny designed. Jenny says for Eleanor to take credit, and Eleanor storms off. Blair talks her mommy into taking a bow at least and says Jenny saved the show as the socialites as models was Jenny’s idea. Jenny then says her dad is out of town so the angry guy outside (Rufus) won’t be let in. Oh she is going to be grounded until she’s 60 now.

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Dan calls Writer Adviser Dude to get him out of jail. The writer says Dan will always be second rate (true truth, although second rate is a bit high for him), so DAN JUDGES THE WRITER. Judge away, Dan!

Rufus walks right in while everyone is making a toast to Jenny for saving the show.  Maybe she’ll only be grounded until 58 now.

Serena and Blair have words. Blair is insecure and Serena is conceited. Tell us something we don’t know.

Nope, Jenny only has bread, water and school to look forward to. And what is Rufus wearing?

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Also, Jenny told the Headmistress she wasn’t coming back to school. This isn’t going to sit well.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there would be no gossip without secrets. You might be brave enough to reveal your secret only to have it used against you.

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Or someone else’s secret might affect you in unexpected ways.

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There are some secrets you’re only too happy to keep.

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Others surface only to be buried away deeper than they were before.

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But the most powerful secrets are the truths you thought you could never reveal, that once spoken change everything.

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But don’t worry B. The brightest stars burn out the fastest. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Waiting for stars to fall. XoXo Gossip Girl

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