Jenny needs to be grounded for life after quitting school to work for Eleanor behind her daddy’s back, Blair and Serena need a time out to discuss who is insecure and who is conceited, and Lily needs a drink. Let’s find out what’s in store this week.
Uh oh, the recaps mentioned Captain I, Like the Writers, Forgot About This Plot Point. They must have remembered. Is he escaping jail?
It’s Blairiza Doolitle, practicing “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” (which is a huge lie. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the north where there is no plain.) However, Blair can’t get the Cockney out of her Upper East Side Accent, and Serena can say it perfectly!
Dorota wakes Blair up from this nightmare to reveal Blair is headed up to Yale for interviews and such. Blair is looking forward to getting away from Page 6 Headline Girl Serena, who has been photographed again being Serena with “unidentified friend” Lily. Serena gets an invitation to visit Yale in quite possibly the most WTF moment of the entire series (and remember later seasons with Mickey Mouse Club members showing up and Gossip Girl is WHO?, there are plenty of WTF moments to begin with!) Serena wants to go to Brown like Unidentified Friend.
Dan Dan is also preparing for Yale.
But as he is a Humphrey, not a president, he doesn’t feel good about getting in. Rufus gives him a pep talk, but Dan realizes that Yale, like 90% of the viewers, just won’t like him.
Chuck and Nate are also going to Yale, and Chuck is getting ready for the women, of course. Chuck also wants to get in the secret society Skull and Bones (wasn’t there a movie about this?). Nate just wants to go to USC so he doesn’t have to worry about grades. That D he got last term in fourth grade arithmetic isn’t going to look good. Long division is hard, man.
Blair puts down Brown and reminds Serena that “she’s not that smart.” So now Blair will go around telling people the obvious. Dan’s judgmental, Lily’s drunk, Rufus is lame, Jenny is obnoxious, Nate’s also not that smart, Chuck’s a manwhore, and Vanessa really is that annoying. Anyway, this smackdown inspires Serena to go to Yale instead of Brown for her visit.
MY EYES! MY EYES! SUCH HORRIBLE FASHION CHOICES!
Jenny is trying to use Vanessa as an example of home-schooling, not realizing that you should never use Vanessa as an example of anything you want to look like a GOOD idea. Rufus does agree to spend a day with Jenny to learn more about what she’d be doing, just so Jenny would shut up.
Dan Dan blows his interview as he only has one letter of recommendation and too many thesauruses. Team Needs To Get Laid Dean.
Nate sees a hot girl and chases after her, and Chuck is seemingly abducted in broad daylight as if he were the Bayside mascot being kidnapped by Valley.
Serena and the Dean have a LOVELY time in her interview. I wonder what favors she was doing behind closed doors to get him to laugh like that. Blair goes next.
After overhearing how Captain Being Ridiculed In College Economy Classes, Nate lies to the hot girl and says his name is Dan Humphrey, as THAT is a name sure to make ANY girl horny. < / sarcasm > Nate really is not that smart…
Oh, it wasn’t Valley or Harvard. It’s just Skull and Bones wanting to know more about Chuck Bass.
Blair comes off as too traditional in the interview, which the stuffy dean doesn’t like, especially after whatever Serena did in her interview. She goes in for a European kiss-on-each-cheek goodbye, which does NOT amuse the Dean. Blair then tells Serena to leave. However, S. then gets an invite to Blair’s intimate gathering from the dean. Blair declares war.
Serena’s phone in 2008.
Rufus asks Eleanor to fire Jenny. Eleanor laughs in his face.
Chuck runs into Serena who tells her to prepare for the question “Who would you want to have dinner with if you could have dinner with any person living or dead?” He then tells her to just steal Blair’s answer, but Serena refuses. Chuck tells her anyway, revealing that if you talk to Blair about how she’s going to get into Yale, it makes her horny. Things I really didn’t want to know.
Nate pretending to be Dan doesn’t know anything about writers, which the Hot Girl he’s trying to hook up with doesn’t appear to be fazed by. Dan shows up looking for his letter of recommendation and identifies Nate as not being Dan. And JUDGES. Nate gets thrown out and Dan doesn’t get his letter. They fight with words, and Nate tells Dan to get that chip off his shoulder. Team Nate.
Blair buys some cat figurines for the Dean’s secretary for an invite to the party. She will stoop to no low. CATS, folks. CATS. I could understand elephants, or dogs, or penguins, but…CATS?
No good can come of this now. Blair means war.
Jenny isn’t happy but goes along with Rufus when he says he’s impressed but thinks she should stay in school. I suggest boarding school off screen and far far away…
Spotted, fabulously dressed for the Dean’s party:
Serena steals Blair’s answer. Chuck has taught his stepsister well. The two engage in a series of I’m smarter than you at the party. Serena seriously knows her popes. (Unidentified Friend probably married a few of the richest ones.) Oh, Serena explains it as she loves The Tudors because “Henry Cavill is a total babe.”
The Secret Society does enjoy Chuck’s prostitutes, but it’s Nate they’re after. Chuck’s prostitutes ask themselves what is it about Nate that all their buyers prefer him to them. The Secret Society wants Nate to pay for Captain Made a Mistake’s sins. Chuck has an hour to give them Nate. He calls Nate up and they agree to meet up to get blazed, which in their terms does not mean to get high but to practice homosexual activity.
Of course, Chuck being Chuck, arranged for it to be Dan to be gagged and tortured, not giving up his friend Nate. A loyal friend to Nate always. Insert homosexual innuendo joke here.
Ooooh, Blair changed Serena’s answer to Pete Fairman, the guy who Serena made her snuff movie with! Team Blair. Leighton’s facial expressions were hysterical during these scenes. Go Leighton Meester for going all the way with Blair.
Dean: Who’s Pete Fairman?
Blair: He’s the man she killed.
Blair and Serena take a minute outside. When Serena walks off in a huff, Blair throws her bag and says Yale only wants Page Six headlines. This starts the catfight! SERENA RIPS OFF BLAIR’S HEADBAND.
Not to be outdone, Lily looks to get in a catfight with herself in the mirror.
Rufus and Jenny arrive to find Lily trying on Serena’s Waldorf Designs dress. “And I haven’t even drank one cup of wine this entire episode,” Lily proudly declares. She also reveals that Eric has a new friend. Sure, this happens offscreen.
After tying Dan Dan to the statute in the gazebo, the Secret Society boasts about their victory over Nate. The Real Nate overhears and declares himself Nate Archibald and starts a fight, complete with barstools.
Unfortunately, Nate rescues Dan just as he judges the statue for being made of marble. As Nate can’t untie the knot, he has to have that Hot Girl from earlier do it for him. Men.
I’m sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie.
Post-fight, the two BFFrenemies agree to go their separate ways and declare a cease fire. This is the saddest breakup in Gossip Girl history. I need a moment. Ok. I’m fine. Bring on more catfights!
Rufus makes his breakfast and says Jenny can be homeschooled. Darn, no more bitchy comments from Blair on the steps.
Somehow NOT an Audrey Hepburn reference.
B. and S. meet each other apologizing for the other at the Dean’s office. How quaint. The two make up. Y Awwwwww n.
Hot Girl forgives Nate and agrees to help Dan find someone to read his poetry or Penthouse stories or whatever it is that he writes.
Chuck reveals that his ladies were taking pictures and he has enough info to blackmail any future politician in Secret Society when they try to get back at him for the Dan-Nate switcheroo. However, Chuck is not happy with Nate’s newfound friendship with Humphrey. Can you blame him? But don’t worry. Nate will only save those “special handjobsshakes for Chuck.
The Dean lets Serena know she’s on the early-acceptance list and wants to know if he can write a press release that she came to visit. Because, I mean, seriously. Serena vd Woodsen visiting a college is news. No words. Just none.
Dreams. Everybody has them. Some good, some bad, some that we should forget.
Sometimes you realize you’ve outgrown them.
Sometimes you feel like they’re finally coming true.
And some of us just have nightmares.(Because Dan really is the stuff of everyone’s nightmares!)
But no matter what you dream, when morning comes, reality intrudes, and the dream begins to slip away. Dream a little dream with me, XOXO, Gossip Girl
The writers are dreaming if they expect us to believe there is a chance in hell that Serena would ever be accepted into Yale, let alone shortlisted for early acceptance.