Chuck In Real Life. Episode 2×07.

A catfight brought Blair and Serena back to the BFF part of their BFFrenimistad, Lily made it through an entire episode without a drink and Dan and Nate began a beautiful bromance during a short visit to Yale. What scandal is awaiting for us now?

But first, to answer Gossip Girl’s question. No. Just no.

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It’s breakfast time at the VD Woodsen-Bass penthouse.

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Daddy Warbass has bought Serena a “conservative but classic” suit that Serena thought was for the housekeeper for the Housewarming Party (BYOB as Lily ain’t about to share her wine yo). He also bought Eric a new watch and provided Chuck with cash in offshore accounts. Daddy Warbass is all about buying love even if he can’t show love. Turns out these are bribes as the new blended family is now going to have rules, like 1 a.m. curfews and dining together as a family every Friday. It’s now the Brady Bunch, except Lily is far from being a lovely lady (except in the sell-herself-on-the-street-Les Miserables way.)

The Dastardly Dressed Duo are together again, although I think Jenny also needs to shut Vanessa up with her hand over the mouth.

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Vanessa is trying to save a speakeasy! I guess this will provide cast integration with Lily. And since the St. Jude’s football-I-mean-soccer team all has mono, Dan has been invited to try out. He judges the team for catching mono and then again for inviting him to try out when once again, the only judging he should be doing is the outfits his BFF and sister are wearing.

Serena reminisces about the German, Italian (Paolo I presume is Italian) and Muslim billionaires Lily had been with about the money and questions why these are the only times Lily remembers she’s a mother.

Chuck: Humphrey, never a pleasure.
Dan: Good, we agree on something.

Chuck is jealous that Nate has a new friend. Blair comes along to mock Chuck for losing his bromance (Chuck actually used that word. Plus one) to Dan Humphrey. Chuck makes his usual play for Blair, who just retorts “Been there, done that, been decontaminated.” These two are in love.

The Mean Girls are admonishing a girl for wearing the wrong kind of pants when Vanessa shows up with her protest rally pamphlets. Blair scoffs, saying “Charity is for diseases and endangered species.” Hey, they could always send Vanessa to Bon Temps to help with the Hep V vamps…Vanessa reminds Blair she has pics of the Duke of Boring kissing stepmommy the Duchess of Twin Peaks and blackmails Blair into helping out.

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Chuck mocks Serena for obeying the new rules while wearing this…scarf? Can I call it that?

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He says Daddy Warbass is making a deal with a business with “family values”, which means Serena’s Page Six habits are off-limits for the time being. Serena then goes out wearing this, bumps into Daddy Warbass in the elevator on the way out and says “I forgot to put on underwear.” Team Serena.

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Blair then invites Chuck over to make a proposition. Dan has stolen Chuck’s bromance, and Blair is sick of the troll Vanessa, so Blair orders Chuck to seduce Vanessa to destroy her. Gossip Girl reminds us we’ve seen this story before (Cruel Intentions, Dangerous Liaisons, Damien and Lucy on General Hospital), and everyone always ends up dead. Dead Vanessa Fan First! Let’s do this!

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Eric introduces Blair (who hates Chuck and is NOT smiling at the thought of him, just like Dan is NOT judging Mother Theresa for dying without curing AIDS and Lily is NOT drinking wine) and Serena to his new boyfriend, Jonathan.

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Dan is wearing a Lincoln Hawk shirt, for real. JUDGING HIM.

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Little J. thinks her big bro is going to make guy friends being on the team, as he only hangs with girls and Cedric the Cabbage Patch Doll. He then calls Nate to make plans to “play soccer.” Cedric is NOT invited.

Chuck shows up to buy the speakeasy, which Vanessa Doth Protest. No, this whole storyline is not at all because the actors are playing Hide-The-Bass in real life! Chuck then is on the receiving end of a thrown tomato. Vanessa thinks the suit was ugly beforehand. Who the hell is VANESSA to talk about someone else’s fashion mistake anyway?

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Speaking of fashion mistakes…oh Lily. WHY?

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Lily and Serena have words about the curfew and Serena says if Lily wanted structure, she “should have thought of that three husbands ago.”

Dan shows up at Nate’s to find out the house has been seized by the government in some to do with Captain I Don’t Think The Writers Even Understand The Plot They’re Writing. Dan breaks into the house to look for Nate when Nate calls him to meet in the park instead. Dan JUDGES.

Looks like poor little Nate is…yuck. Poor.

Nate has been sleeping on the floor of his seized house.

We then hear Dorota advising Blair that “Mr. Chuck” is there to see Blair. Chuck wants out. Nothing is worth having to sleep with Vanessa. Blair then offers herself if he does it. It is officially Cruel Intentions!

Next we see these two bickering in the seduction game.

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Chuck: If you just came here to insult me, there’s a web site for that.

Serena explains to Blair that Lily’s longest marriage was 16 months to German Klause with a “K”, as the one with the wooden shoes is “Dutch Clause with a ‘C’”. I can’t make this up. Serena and Eric were randomly sent to the Waldorf’s or Archibald’s in hopes no one caught on to how slutty and not caring at all about her kids Lily actually was. Blair says she knew.

Chuck goes back to the speakeasy and starts learning about the history of the speakeasy. He starts to care about the speakeasy. This makes Vanessa feel all moist in her special places. That, or she drank too much coffee at the gallery coffee shop she works at. Chuck invites her to the Housewarming Party.

Dan Dan tells Little J. about Nate squatting in his old house..

Oh Lily. That dress clashes with your wine glass.

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When Serena comes out wearing this

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Lily turns to this

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Serena has words with Daddy Warbass as Eric couldn’t bring his boyfriend. Daddy Warbass is a homophobe. No wonder he hates Chuck so much. He doesn’t understand the special relationship Chuck has with Nate. Daddy Warbass says Eric came to the decision on his own, but Serena isn’t buying it.

Blair is still hoping Chuck is going to crush Vanessa, but he seems to be disinterested in the plan now. Is he developing feelings for Vanessa? Or did he just take the wrong drug and is having hallucinations? Daddy Warbass wants to have a word with his son. This can’t be good. Daddy Warbass is mad that Chuck is buying the speakeasy. Blah de blah blah blah.

Some more outfits.

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Nate is having din-din at the Humphreys! Awkward conversation ensues. Dan eventually tells him he knows. Nate didn’t know Dan knew, but then again, Nate didn’t know 2 + 3 is 5. Nate tells Dan to stay out of it. DAN JUDGES.

Vanessa goes to console Chuck, and he asks her to stay. Blair sees this, and even though this is ENTIRELY her fault and her doing, Blair is as jealous of Vanessa being with Chuck as Dan is of a Supreme Court Justice for all the judging he gets to do.

Eric confirms what Daddy Warbass said, that it was his decision and he didn’t want to come out in a national setting, which makes sense. The paparazzi at the party then want an interview with the VD Woodsen siblings and ask Serena and Eric questions about memories of their youth. Lily tries to take Serena away, but not before Serena tells the press all about the Christmas when she was 11 and wanted a white Christmas so Lily’s boyfriend of the moment, a total cokehead, left blow all around the house! So caring.  Serena is confused if it’s Clause with a C or Klause with a K, which one’s Lily married, which one’s Lily just got money out of, etc. I am too. Serena then leaves the party.

Blair tries to go off the bet, but Chuck refuses.

Lily asks Eric if what Serena said was true, and Eric says yes. Lily is SHOCKED to learn that she is a bad mother! She had more important things going on in her life than her children! How could she expect to raise two kids when she had BILLIONAIRES to seduce and WINE to drink?

Caption this.

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Rufus tells Dan to keep being Nate’s friend as that’s what he needs right now. That or some special time with Chuck.

Blair got ahold of Vanessa’s fugly handbag and fugly mobile and deleted the pics of Lord of Boring and Duchess of Twin Peaks snogging. Blair then tells Vanessa all about the bet, channeling Sarah Michelle Gellar by doing so.

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Vanessa tries to say Blair just can’t see the good in Chuck when Chuck shows up. Vanessa runs off.

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Blair then tells Chuck he won and she lost and to meet her in the bedroom in an hour.

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Poor Chuck. He made his bet. Now he has to lie in it.

Chuck goes back to the speakeasy, and the owner isn’t happy to see him. Chuck tries to explain he really is going to do his best to save it, but the owner refuses to hear any of it.

Dan runs into Serena (not sure how as Brooklyn isn’t near the Upper East Side for a late night stroll…) and the two catch up. Oh, it was in front of Nate’s house. Now it makes sense as they both were looking for a booty call with Nate. Dan has yet to learn Nate only goes gay for Chuck. After the exes bond, Daddy Warbass shows up in the limo to take Serena home. I think sweeps are approaching so it makes sense that Dan and Serena are about to reunite!

Serena comes home to find Lily with wine and cake. Eric is helping with the cake.

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Lily apologizes for being a BAD MOM once again. Eric reveals that Lily had a weekend with Sarkozy and that Sarkozy made them go to EURODISNEY. I WANT A CAMEO! I WANT A CAMEO! I guess they’re expecting Gossip Girl fans not to realize that Sarkozy was at the time of the original airing the president of France. Lily got around. And Daddy Warbass did kill the story, for the record, of Lily’s bad parenting. Because anyone who knows Lily already knows all this ish anyway.

Just like the seasons, people have the ability to change (unless you’re Lily and it’s about her relationship with wine). It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it’s almost always right. Sometimes it takes what’s broken becoming whole again.

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Sometimes it takes opening up to new people and letting them in.

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But most times, it takes just one person who is truly afraid to show what they feel, getting an opportunity they never thought possible.

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Blair: What took you so long?
Chuck: If you thought that was long, you have no idea what you’re in for.

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Chuck: Say it.
Blair: Say what? I’ll say anything.
Chuck: Those three words you wanted me to say.
Blair: Are you kidding?
Chuck: Not quite. Eight letters, three syllables. Say them, and I’m yours.

….

Blair: Chuck Bass. I……..will never say those words to you.
Chuck: Then you will never have me.
And some things never change. Let a new game begin. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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Say it with me. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Cold showers for everyone!

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