Pret-a-Poor-J. Episode 2×08

Chuck and Blair played more games with each other and other people (can you call Vanessa “people” thought?), Jenny and Vanessa continued their fashion atrocities, Nate is squatting in his old house and Lily decided that now that her kids are teens, it’s damn time she tried being a mother. What will happen this week?

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Blair is having a sex dream about her Prince Charming (Chuck) as Gossip Girl non-discretely voice overs “But if Prince Charming refuses to come” as Blair is woken up by a knock on the door. Those sly writers getting things past the CW censors again. It’s our Dorota, who reminds Blair that God is always watching.

WTF is Jenny wearing and WTF has she done to her hair? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING. And she’s supposed to be the new It Fashion Designer?

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She then runs into Nate (who notices Jenny’s Hair Atrocity), and I have to say, this outfit does wonders for him.

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Blair is walking in the rain when Chuck’s limo pulls up. Chuck rolls down the window, saying “I’d love to give you a ride.” Chuck reminds Blair she just has to say those three magic words. Blair tries. “I hate you.” I’m still clueless about those three words. No eat pork? I am horny? I’m not Dan? I’m not Dan could turn anyone on, I suppose.

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It’s Marissa’s sister from The O.C.. It’s a shame she’s not playing the same character so we could have more O.C. crossover potential. However, she’s playing a character name Agnes.

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Nate shows up as he found Jenny’s sketchbook. Agnes is convinced Nate likes Jenny. Stranger things have happened.

Dan and Serena are discussing friendship and other boring stuff when Blair runs up looking for help to destroy Chuck Bass (and by destroy, she means getting him to shag her). Blair reluctantly allows Dan to stay, but Dan is already busy judging, not helping.

Blair: I have an itch only Chuck can scratch but he won’t oblige unless I him I love him.
Dan: You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you. Really?
Blair: You hear the judgment in his voice right now, don’t you?

Dan then tells Blair to be everywhere and annoy Chuck, kinda like how Dan annoys everyone by showing up everywhere uninvited and using his connection to Serena.

A bunch of buyers took LSD and think Jenny’s dress is fashionable, so Eleanor wants a copy of it tomorrow, which means Jenny has to work hard.

Blair is wearing a new perfume and asks Chuck to smell it! She is already doing her job of being everywhere, after showing leg on top of his limo before inviting him to get drinks. Who will cave and say the three words “Let’s just f***” first? She then deliberately spills her martini on Chuck’s crotch and gently pads a napkin all over to clean it up. Chuck leaves, presumably to go find Nate to deal with his stiffening pants.

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Oh God help us, it’s Aaron Rose.

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Serena and Aaron flirt before Serena introduces himself, and Serena realizes that Aaron is the artist whose work is about to be displayed in the gallery.

Vanessa is also around, mainly to make Jenny’s fashion atrocities not look so bad I suppose.

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Blair calls Dan to tell him what a horrible idea he had as there was no “hard evidence” of the plan working and that Chuck left like a “bass out of hell”. Dan judges.

Agnes continues to compliment Jenny on her dress after stealing the buyers’ LSD, and the two change outfits. Little J. obviously doesn’t care that she’s supposed to be at home making Eleanor a copy of the dress for the buyers’ presentation the next day.

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Dan judges Serena for judging his idea of sending Blair to her house to seduce Chuck, as it would have been “awkward” at Dan’s house because Nate is staying there. Insert your Chuck-Nate-Bromance-Is-Really-Romance pun here.

I can see Serena using this language, but Blair seems above it.

vlcsnap-2014-08-19-13h53m48s163 vlcsnap-2014-08-19-13h54m12s159Blair probably didn’t have to do much to turn Serena’s room into a sex den.

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And then this

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Interrupts this

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DAMMIT SERENA! Chuck leaves Blair horny to look for Nate I suppose. She’s not going to win.

Little J. and Agnes are suddenly BFF omgz. Anges’ photographer friend/boyfriend/fuckbuddy/whatever loves taking pictures of Jenny. I can see where this is headed. Or not. Agnes and Photo Dude take off with Jenny’s sketchbook, Agnes still in Little J’s dress, and leave Jenny stranded.

Sorry, J., but in the real world, you can’t take a note to the principal when the drunken model eats your homework.

Is this supposed to be 2008 Facebook?

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Agnes returns the dress and tells Jenny that Eleanor is taking advantage of her.

Fashion…what?

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Serena goes to find and flirt with Aaron Rose (WTF) and Dan realizes that Blair loves Chuck. And judges. He tells her take a risk and say those three words (Dan’s an asshole?), while making a note for later to judge her on whether she takes the advice or doesn’t.

Eleanor criticizes the dress and sends Jenny home, away from the buyers’ meeting. Eleanor knows Jenny went out with Agnes. Eleanor knows all, unless it’s about her daughter, who she never seems to have scenes with. Yet it’s Lily I complain is the bad mommy. Anywhos, Jenny uses Agnes’ words that Eleanor is exploiting Jenny, and they nearly have a fight/quit on the spot, but Jenny just goes home to Brooklyn to pout and so Dan can judge her. Before she does, she takes her dress that Eleanor was going to use at the meeting, effectively terminating her job at Waldorf Designs.

Oh my God. I can’t believe it. Chuck’s in purple. Next thing you know Dan is going to judge. And Blair texts him to let him know he won. I just want to know what the three words are. Vanessa sucks ass?

vlcsnap-2014-08-19-14h44m43s5 More fashion!

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Vanessa tells Dan Dan about the games Chuck and Blair were playing with her as the “catnip”. Dan judges everyone and thanks Vanessa for giving him the opportunity to judge others.

Aaron asks out Serena. Serena doesn’t need a guy so she says no. Aaron says she can have a second opportunity if she can tell him about Cecil the Caterpillar. If those are the three words, I’m throwing my laptop out the window.

Blair is all atwitter that Chuck asked her to meet her on the roof, which is perfect as if he doesn’t return the three words (Josh Safran sucks?) she can jump off the roof.

Serena: Don’t do it, B. You don’t want your obit to say that you died in Brooklyn.

Serena being a voice of reason? This show just keeps getting more unbelievable. Dan catches up to Blair on her way to see Chuck, and Dan tells Blair he is judging himself on his advice and to be careful.

Agnes apparently knows Aaron and tells Jenny that she should create her own clothing line and Agnes could help. This should work well, not. But now Jenny has more time to awkwardly flirt with Nate!

On the roof, Chuck and Blair continue to dance around over who has to be the one to say the three words first. (The three words?) Blair ends up leaving in tears, and whatever the three words are, they weren’t said. (Lily is drunk?)

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Serena yells at Dan for telling Blair the bad advice, and Dan comes back with judging. Serena says Chuck and Blair do love each other, and Dan is ruining it all with his bad advice. Serena leaves Dan alone in the corner to judge. He later tells Chuck that it was him who stopped Blair from saying the three words (My phone’s broke?)

Agnes, Photo Dude and Little J are listening to bad covers of The Smiths’ “How Soon Is Now”, and I feel like Dan because I am judging them for listening to this cover instead of the real thing. Suddenly they are dancing to the bad cover with their shirts off and Photo Dude taking pictures. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! And then Nate shows up to rescue Jenny, her “knight in shining Armani.” Uh oh.

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Serena and Dan run into each other. Serena tells Dan about Aaron and realizes she met Aaron at summer camp when she was a kid. She even got faked married to him on the banks of Lake Geneva! What a great setup for such a blah character. Dan is jealous and hands out judgments to everyone to cope. Serena rushes to find Aaron and sees him jetting off with another girl on his scooter.

The problem with fairytales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the princes goes off with the wrong princess.

vlcsnap-2014-08-19-15h17m05s220Or the spell wears off and the two lovers realize that they’re better off as…well…whatever they are.

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Chuck shows up at Blair’s saying that if they ever did say the three words (Die Vanessa Die?) that it wouldn’t be the start of something but the end as they both loved the game too much for a relationship to work.

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Jenny goes off on Nate, wondering why he cares so much, and then kisses him. Nate grabs her and kisses back.

But I’ll confess. Every once in a while, a girl craves her fairytale ending. So sleep tight, little kiddies. It looks like Little J. got her happily ever after. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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