There Might Be Blood. Episode 2×09.

Chuck and Blair realized that they enjoy the game too much to ever settle down in a relationship, and Little J. thinks she can take on Eleanor and Waldorf Designs with her collection of ugly dresses for spoiled teenage brats with Kaitlin Cooper Agnes. Let’s hope someone has bought Jenny a wig to cover that atrocious dye job. Oh, and she kissed Nate.


We don’t want to see J. go from fashion star to fashion victim? She has been a fashion victim since DAY ONE. I digress.

Jenny is working hard for a fashion show, and Nate has apparently forgotten the kiss. Team Nate.


Dan gets a text from the TA from Yale who says three people have read his story. That’s three more than I thought would ever read it. I bet they have horrible reviews, but as Gossip Girl likes to be more fantasy than One Upon a Time could ever hope to be, it’ll be rave reviews.

And Yale is interviewing both Serena and Blair, and it appears Yale is more interested in Serena’s Page 6 lifestyle. More fantasy. Serena offers Blair to babysit for the Yale Dean’s friend, and the kid turns out to be a geeky, awkward teen, much like the ones Mean Girls love to tear down (or the ones playing the nerds on Saved by the Bell. See, I cross reference to parent site !)


Aaron Rose, not at all being a stalker, is waiting for Serena right outside. I just looked, and it turns out actor John Patrick Amedori has had a few bit roles post his stint as Aaron Rose, including “Lolipop Hipster” in Scott Pilgrim. Color me surprised. He also is a musician and loves Nirvana. It seems being a musician on the side is a must to even be cast as a recurring character on this show.

Serena fesses up she remembers Cecil the Caterpillar and her summer camp wedding. Aaron’s girlfriend picks this inconvenient moment to show up. Team Aaron’s Girlfriend. Now take him off the show, and take Jenny and Vanessa with you!

Dan and Nate walk in on Agnes and Jenny getting ready for their secret fashion show. Now she has to fess up she was fired/quit Waldorf Designs.


Awkward Teen (Emma for future reference) comes down dressed like a hussy and wants Blair to help her lose her virginity before Emma’s BFF. Now there’s a plot not even on Saved by the Bell: The New Class. Emma demands Blair help her or she’ll tell her family friend the Dean of Yale that Blair took her out and got her drunk. Fun!


Serena suggests Blair take Emma to the Charity Gala and later say that she didn’t knowit was boring (is she talking about this week’s episode?). Blair does this by telling Emma she can “have her cherry popped by one of Manhattan’s Elite.”

Dan pays Vanessa a visit so he can judge her and he realizes that Vanessa still likes Nate. A Jenny-Nate-Vanessa triangle, just what no one had asked for.

Emma runs into Chuck Bass, who she knows all about from Gossip Girl and thinks is the devil. Chuck says the Charity Gala is for old people (old for them is what, 22?) and Emma pleads “You can take me for a ride! Giggle!” She’s “hooked herself a Bass.”


Aaron left Serena a licorice ring at the concierge, and Blair discovers Emma has disappeared.

Blair: Limos and virgins. Your specialities.
Chuck: Just so you know, there are few things that are sacred. The back of a limo is one of them.


Chuck didn’t put out, so Emma got out of the limo. Blair drags both Serena and Chuck with her to find them. Thanks to Gossip Girl, they track her down to a bar and catch up with her right before she takes off with a sleazy guy named Serg. The Mommy Who Is Friends With Dean Of Yale isn’t going to like this much, Blair!


Jenny’s plan is to have the surprise fashion show at the Charity Event or Gala or whatever word they’re using. (The writers can’t decide what to call it, so how about the RICH PEOPLE R US event?) so she can get old people backers.



*continued snorting*

This is supposed to be November sweeps, but it’s pretty damn dull, other than the unintentionally hilarious picture of Lillian and Bartholomew Bass. Boring episodes are worse than bad episodes, because at least with the bad episodes you can entertain yourself with the mockery.

Jenny lies and says she is Erica Van der Woodsen and they sometimes “leave off the ‘a’”. Riiiiiight, and Nate got above a 100 on his SATs. Somewhere, Dan is judging his sister. And then Lily and her wine find Jenny.


Lily says “she hates being the center of attention.” Dan judges lies! I hope he didn’t hear this! He has so many OTHER things to judge right now, like the walls being painted a color he doesn’t like and the fact the Yankees lost a game! Nate saves Jenny so she can have an escort that’s actually not a fabricated name on the guest list.

Spotted being spotted? This is sooo going on Gossip Girl.


Chuck finds Emma for Blair, and then Blair sees Emma’s Mommy kissing someone not Emma’s Father OR Santa Claus. Blair’s going to blackmail her way into Yale now.


Dan, Vanessa and Rufus are looking for Jenny! Let’s just call them the Brooklyn Losers instead of the Scoobie Doo Gang.


Dan then turns on the computer and learns brand new information from Gossip Girl his little sister making out with his BFF. He judges the two for kissing and then Gossip Girl for publishing it.



The Brooklyn Losers then rush off to Manhattan, which gives Dan Dan a chance to judge Nate for dating Vanessa and Duchess of Twin Peaks. Please, that was so five episodes ago. We want to forget that mess. Rufus then tries to bribe the taxi driver with a $1 bill.


They are tots underdressed.


Lily lets them in anyway. Team Not Lily. Daddy Warbass is not amused.

Blair thanks God for allowing her to catch a philandering Dean’s Friend.

vlcsnap-2014-08-26-14h12m09s175 Dan use fisticuffs for his judgment of Nate sticking his tongue down his sister’s throat. Dan also returns to Nate trading sex for money in his judgment. You do one thing once five or six episodes ago, and Dan will always remember to judge you on it. Nate tells Dan that he “has no right to judge”. Dan kicks Nate out of the house for his manwhore ways.


Somehow, Emma’s friend’s Muffy’s getting her muffin stuffed makes it to Gossip Girl. I really just cannot get myself to give a damn about this story or this episode.

Aaron changes his voice mail to say “If this is Serena, dat chick ain’t my girlfriend yo, I wantz yous, tots babe, if you no is Serena leaves da message”. Serena is TURNED ON and excited after this message and the candy ring. Then the girl that “ain’t my girlfriend yo” answers the phone and says Aaron is in the “bathroom”. Serena hangs up.

Nate runs into Jenny and tells him everyone knows about the kiss. Jenny begs him to stay.

Apparently Lily and Daddy Warbass have been setting up hospitals in poor places so that’s why they’re having this Charity Gala in their honor. Of course, Jenny arranges this horrible video to run during the presentation of Charitable Works.

vlcsnap-2014-08-26-14h28m06s95 vlcsnap-2014-08-26-14h28m36s58vlcsnap-2014-08-26-14h30m00s137

Agnes…wtf is this?


Everyone is amused, even Lily…except for Daddy Warbass. He is less than amused. He is obviously a VILLAIN. Dunh dunh duhn.


Jenny and Nate then lock lips in front of Vanessa, who storms off. Nate stops Jenny from running after her.

Blair comforts Emma about not losing her v-card before Muffy, and she later thanks Chuck for having Gossip Girl post the fake blast. Emma asks Blair if her first time was with someone she loved, and Blair said “Yes.” Uh oh. Uh oh. I still wonder what those three words are. We play games? Anyway, Blair bonds with Emma about their absent, self-centered mothers, and we ask ourselves, “Why isn’t Serena here to talk about LILY?”

Dan finally gets to talk to Jordan, the TA from Yale I guess. The call doesn’t seem to go well, but none of it makes sense. Dan judges Jenny for having balls while being secretly jealous his sister’s balls are bigger than his. From his conversation with Serena, I was right. The call didn’t go well. Dan is a bad writer. This means there are realistic things here. I am SHOCKED.

When Emma’s Mommy yells at Blair for bringing her home late and says Blair isn’t Yale material, Blair whips out her blackmail photos of Mommy Kissing Not Daddy Or Santa. However, before she gets a chance to show them, an outburst from Mommy treating Emma badly makes Blair retreat. This is a MEAN Mommy, folks.

Rufus is upset at Jenny and gets more upset when Lily comes over to compliment Jenny. So Rufus has a policeman arrest his daughter. The policeman tells Jenny they’ll call her parents from the police station and Jenny protests “It’s Daddy who is arresting me!” Lily steps in and says she refuses to press charges for the incident. I can’t believe I’m about to type Team Li I can’t do it this hurts ly.

Chuck catches up with Nate at Nate’s house where Nate has returned to squatting. Chuck invites his brofriend to stay with him, but Nate refuses, saying he’s going to stay with Blah Mom.

Blair gets a call from the dean who wants to have dinner with her and said “Yale could use a girl like Blair Waldorf”.


Serena gets a call from Aaron Rose, who she greets looking like THIS.


Serena tells Aaron she is not about to date someone who has more girlfriends than she has boyfriends and gives him the cold shoulder. No, she don’t want no scrubs! Aaron convinces her to have dinner with him as FATE had brought them back together. Fate can be a bitch sometime.

Look who is having breakfast AGAIN. No Jenny though! Dan judges the cantelope for being cut weird.


Dan reveals the call was about the story he’s writing about Chuck Bass and his mommy issues. Jerk. I thought he said he wasn’t going to write that after all? And yet he isn’t judging himself for this? Oh, it’s because he’s upset his sister has bigger balls than he does.

Rufus then finds out that Jenny has taken all her stuff and left.


Blair and Serena look at college catalogues.


Nate mails a letter. I didn’t know he could write…



Dan Dan also mails a letter (the story about Chuck)


S&B are headed for Yale, Nate’s headed out of town, and Dan’s headed for trouble. As for his sister Jenny? She’s nowhere to be seen. XOXO Gossip Girl



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