Bonfire of the Vanity. Episode 2×10.

Jenny bored us to tears with her plans to launch her own line and interrupted Lily and Daddy Warbass’s “Look At Us Rich People Donating $1 to Charity And We Invited Our Offspring So We’re Not Bad Parents, Wait, We Have Children?” charity event to launch it before running away from home. Aaron Rose turned out to be a sleazy bore or a boring sleaze, not sure which is the adjective and which is the noun. Chuck and Blair babysat a friend of the Yale Dean’s obnoxious teen daughter, and fans asked…this aired in November Sweeps time? I am remembering WHY I had forgotten nearly everything that happened post-Hamptons pre-second part of Season 2 now.

What’s in store this week?

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Before I get started, I wanted to say I’ve been watching The Crazy Ones, now that it’s been cancelled (RIP Robin Williams), and I was pleasantly surprised to see Amanda Setton, best known for Mean Girl Penelope on Gossip Girl, in the cast. Wishing the best for her and all our GG alum!

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Rufus is cooking, and Dan is already judging Rufus on his parenting skills before the first minute is already up. (Jenny is staying with Agnes if anyone actually give a damn. Mine is busted.) Rufus then turns around and judges Dan for sending in that story about Chuck and his mommy issues even though it got Dan Dan a recommendation letter to Yale. The family that judges together stays together! Oh, wait, Rufus is divorced.

Serena is texting Aaron Bores during Blair’s 18th Birthday Party Planning Meeting. Eleanor has a new boyfriend, and Blair thinks a dashing stepdad is just what she needs. Serena then leaves to see what the map he texted her will lead her this time. If it’s in Chelsea or the Village, Serena might have finally found a boy she can’t sleep with that she’s not related to. Poor Serena.

Jenny and Agnes fight in their business meetings with managers like the bratty teens they are. GG is returning to reality!

Blair is mad that Dorota used the “every day China” and that Cyrus will think they are just “upper middle class”, which to Blair, means “poor and living in the slums of the Upper WEST side” or worse, Brooklyn.

And then Blair meets Cyrus Rose (WAIT, is he the father of Aaron Bores, I mean Rose? Coincidences don’t exist on soaps unless the writers are really bad, like Josh Safran or the folks currently writing General Hospital bad.)

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Eleanor is dating Vizzini?!?! INCONCEIVABLE!

Chuck is dressed to celebrate 20 years of Bass Industries.

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He even bought Daddy WarBass tickets to the Rangers game! Daddy WarBass passes as Cat’s in the Cradle somehow does not play in the background.

A magazine wants to use Dan Dan’s story as an expose on Daddy WarBass and Chuck in conjunction of 20 years of Bass Industries, even though Dan insists its fiction based on events and not non-fiction.

The map leads Serena to Times Square where she sees this:

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I thought Giuliani got rid of all the whores in Times Square!!! And then Aaron shows up to make out with S. on the jumbo screen in Times Square. Seriously, still in sweeps month. Why tune in when you can just go to Times Square and see it for free? (OK, the CW is already free but you know what I mean.)

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Blair: Who cares about plaque or pretentious artists when your best friend is having a meltdown? (Cyrus) is so unsuitiable. He’s 5 feet tall, he has a catch phrase and is a hugger! I was expecting Cary Grant and got Danny Devito!

Serena than takes off to be aforementioned pretentious artist’s muse. INCONCEIVABLE.

Dan then meets with Daddy WarBass to find out more, wanting to shadow Evil. Dan mentions what a loser Rufus is. As Rufus is Daddy WarBass’s rival in the pissing contest for Lily, Daddy Warbass agrees to allow him.

Jenny is surprised that Marissa’s little sister…I mean Agnes, is drunk/hungover at 3 in the afternoon. When Agnes goes to puke her guts out, Jenny steals her phone and starts making some calls.

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Daddy WarBass tells Dan they can go to a Rangers’ game to discuss business, which Chuck walks in on. How dare Daddy WarBass do this!

Cyrus is a bit miffed at the prices Blair pays for flowers, and Blair keeps having to channel her inner Grace Kelly. Writer’s slip. It’s Audrey Hepburn Blair wants to be, with the marrying a prince like Grace Kelly part on the side. Blair then gets mad that Cyrus bought Eleanor tickets to Cyndi Lauper the same night of her party. Green with envy isn’t Blair’s best colour.

The guy agrees to back Jenny, as long as she’s 18 or has parental approval. Someone is going to have to go crying for Rufus. Maybe if she brings some waffles and a copy of the Forgotten Bands of the 90s album Rufus will forgive her.

Aaron is taking artsy fartsy pictures of Serena, and she’s surprisingly clothed. He then makes her a sheet room with a Powerpoint collage of the pictures of Serena and kisses her. This is romantic, not creepy. Back to the fantasy world. Then the mood is ruined when another model shows up. Serena runs away.

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Chuck calls his contact at New York magazine to find out what Dan Dan is up to. Duh, judging someone.

Dan Dan then gets an anonymous tip to meet Deep Throat (as I type that, I realise Nate hasn’t been around this episode) on streets I’ve never heard of. I hope Dan gets mugged! Who is lovelace? What is BB?

vlcsnap-2014-09-02-13h35m33s71 Dorota notices that Eleanor has glow, like Chinese latern.

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Blair says that Cyrus does all the things that Eleanor hates and is nothing like her Gay Daddy Lex Luthor (Harold). Eleanor says Harold had his “secrets”, like the fact he was sleeping with men on the side. Blair decides to take Cyrus down.

Love Lace Deep Throat:

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The secret is Daddy WarBass burnt down a building in the 80s for insurance or some shit that I have never figured out, and this is my second time viewing the series. Dan judges Daddy WarBass, the building for being flammable, and the guy for telling him this information. Rufus judges Dan for wanting to use this information. The audience judges Jenny on that horrible hairdon’t.

Oh, Jenny went to Runaway Mommy Allison to get the signature, who gives Rufus a call to let him know what was up.

Cyrus tells Blair some story about falling in love with a Vietnamese girl in the war while he was married to his first wife, who he was just fond of. The girl was killed, as things tend to happen in wars, so he left his wife and has never felt love again until he met Eleanor. INCONCEIVABLE. Eleanor later tries to find out what Blair is up to, having lunch with Cyrus. Again, INCONCEIVABLE.

Creepy Bores (Aaron) has other models that he wants to hang out with instead of Serena. Serena is JEALOUS.

The office calls Agnes by mistake when they have the contracts ready. Kaitlyn-I-Mean-Agnes hasn’t been this upset since Mommy slept with her sister’s boyfriend Luke! (Obligatory The O.C. reference.) (And it’s okay. Julie Cooper turned Luke gay, and now he’s making a country music career whining about it in Nashville.)

It’s Serena with the Mean Girls including Nelly Yuki!

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Hazel, as she’s a beggar so she can’t be choosy, thinks this busboy is cute. I think he’s gayer than Elton John at a Lady Gaga/Madonna/Cher benefit concert for PFLAG during San Francisco Pride, but whatever.

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Blair is wearing THIS. UGH.

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Agnes, showing common fashion sense, sets fire to Jenny’s dresses

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So Jenny can make this face

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#TeamIDon’tCareAboutThisStorylineToHaveATeam

Serena at least showed up in a cute dress to meet Aaron’s daddy, Cyrus! I knew they shared a last name for a reason.

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After Blair tellsEleanor Cyrus’ story about his war love with the brief “Cyrus cheated”, Eleanor kicks him to the curb.

It’s Cyndi Lauper!

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Turns out Cyrus bought out the gig so Cyndi would be free to play Blair’s birthday party, because I mean, all teenagers in 2008 want Cyndi Lauper to play their party. I was a teen in the late 90s and I was one of the few who knew who Cyndi was THEN.

Let’s take a vote. Will Cyndi sing “Time After Time” or “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”? I say the former, unless Serena’s at the brothel selling herself and forgetting to charge yet again.

Dorota is speechless upon meeting Miss Lauper. I am so happy we’re finally getting to see Dorota’s personality, little by little.

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Dan Dan goes to Daddy WarBass to ask about the fire. Daddy WarBass says someone died in the fire when Chuck comes out to protect his Daddy. Dan is writing an article for a magazine! Dan judges Daddy WarBass for the hotel fire and Chuck for protecting his father. Daddy WarBass tries to bribe his way out of it, but Dan Dan refuses the money.

Blair goes to find Cyrus and realises that he outmaneuvered her, using “Cyndi Lauper to prey on her emotions.” INCONCEIVABLE! Blair should have known never to go against a Sicilian when death is on the line. However, this does win Blair’s respect.

Dan sends a copy of the Charlie Trout story he wrote about Chuck to Daddy WarBass, but as the man is EVIL, it won’t affect him unless the story of the fire gets out and he loses $2.

Serena finds Creepy Bores with another model and Creepy Bores reminds her they are NOT exclusive. The later seasons Serena will be sad she wasted this opportunity to continue dating half of Manhattan.

Jenny tells Rufus she’ll come back if he signs the papers. Rufus refuses to endorse the lying, manipulative, more interesting Little J., and she’s back out on the streets.

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Hey, Gossip Girl says “Poor Little Orphan J. Looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks.” Is she reading my recaps? Is she saying Little J. should give her v-card to Daddy WarBass for a few bucks? Now that would be a VERY interesting plot for Little J…

Nah, she just goes back to Agnes’ couch (who is nowhere to be found) and gets another meeting with the business dude. Yawn.

Daddy WarBass apologises to Chuck after reading The Short Story Dan Dan wrote, saying it’s hard to look at Chuck because he sees Chuck’s mommy. Daddy WarBass then says he’ll go to the hockey game. And the cat’s in the cradle

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Dan ends up killing the story about Daddy WarBass while judging Rufus for being so worried about other families falling apart when the Humphreys aren’t even a real family anymore with Jenny running away all the time.

Business Dude tells Jenny that if she can’t get her parents to sign the papers, she could always file for emancipation. Oh now there’s a plot none of us really want to see. I’d much rather see the Humphrey’s grieve at her funeral, for example. And Jenny says ok!

vlcsnap-2014-09-02-14h43m27s124Mise-en-scene alert!

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Serena: Casual dating is not for me.

There’s a quote that will come back to bite her on her size-0 ass.

And Eleanor has decided Cyrus will move in!

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Some surprises hit you over the head like a squash racket.

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And others sneak up on you when you’re least expecting it.

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Serena then decides that she doesn’t want to be Lily so goes out with Aaron wearing a jacket over her nighty.

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And sometimes the biggest surprises are the ones you spring on yourself. Scampering about in a slip is one way to shed old skin.

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But will embracing free love be as easy as flinging off a pair of Fendi Flats? Looks like someone is going barefoot in the park. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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HEY, WAIT A DARN MINUTE. THEY HAD SPECIAL GUEST STAR CYNDI LAUPER WHO DIDN’T EVEN PERFORM? That’s an #epicfail! But as you wish, Gossip Girl.

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