The Magnificent Archibalds. Episode 2×11.

Last week Jenny decided to emancipate herself from Rufus, Serena and Aaron Rose (now known as Creepy Bores) something about an open relationship blah blah blah, and Dan learned Daddy WarBass burned down a hotel for insurance money which he made his billions from. I’ve totally forgotten what’s going on with Nate and his family (but the writers have too I’m guessing), but it looks like this episode will deal with that. And maybe his inappropriate relationship with Chuck too. Let’s hope Georgina comes back soon as this show needs some LIFE breathed into it!


Ohh, Nate is hiding out with Blah Mom in the Hamptons. Right. Yawn.

It’s Thanksgiving on the Upper East Side, and Gossip Girl reminds us that in Manhattan, it’s a time when Thanksgiving “returns to its roots. Lying, manipulation and betrayal.” #TeamGossipGirl But then Gossip Girl compares the Indians being pushed out of their home to Blair having to deal with Cyrus moving in. I take back the #TeamGossipGirl and fully expect to see Written By Josh Safran in the credits.

Serena also has big Thanksgiving plans, which include introducing Creepy Bores to the VD Woodsen-Bass stepfamily from hell.

Blair: How do you plan to introduce him? Mom, you DVR Big Love. This is Aaron, and he’s just like Bill Paxton, only younger and with scruff.

Dan is looking for Jenny, who is nowhere to be found. Better off to leave her that way. Dan judges me for that comment. Nate then literally bumps into Dan. The two give each other the cold shoulder, and Nate doesn’t look too happy to see Chuck either.

Jenny is shocked her parents have to be notified that she wants to be emancipated and there has to be proof of neglect. The only thing she needs to be emancipated from is that horrible hairdon’t.

HAH. HAH. HAH. I WAS RIGHT. Look who the writer is. Now we know we’re in for a shitty episode.


Lily and Daddy WarBass are returning home from wherever they whisked off to this week to ignore their parental obligations. Lily is shocked, I mean SHOCKED to find out Jenny has been staying at her home while she was gone. I guess if Jenny is wanting to find neglectful parents she’s come to the right penthouse.

Captain Skipped Bail is back and happy to see Nate!

Gossip Girl is going to take the rest of the day (re: episode) off to enjoy time with her family but will be back after pumpkin pie to dish on the damage from the day’s events.

Captain Caribbean invites Nate and Blah Mom to join him there. Now, it might just be me, but I think if you’re trying to skip bail, you probably shouldn’t be flying into NYC for Thanksgiving, especially from an international destination. How many fake passports does Captain Doesn’t Give A Damn have?


Lily is going to let Jenny stay with them for Thanksgiving until Rufus calms down, as Lily knows about teenage girls as she once was one, not because she’s the mother of one, which she totally is but can’t be arsed to remember that 98% of the time.

Nah, Creepy Bores is not a stalker.


Blair already had Dorota preparing things, as Blair does not like the idea of the Rose Restaurant Thanksgiving.

Eric tells stepDaddy WarBass that things aren’t going fabulously with Jonathan, and Daddy WarBass suggests Jonathan has been cheating on him with the captain of the swim team (not to be confused with Captain Nate’s Father The Hardended Criminal. Daddy WarBass knows all.

Only Chuck.


Eric expresses his concern about Daddy WarBass following his every move, and Chuck just talks about pictures of his Italian au pair. Chuck is soooo sensitive.

Creepy Bores tells Serena she’s made him a one-woman man (this is Safran writing. Don’t ask for character motivation or anything more than plot points) and he’s now sober. Serena talks about her party past but now only drinks the occasional “celebratory glass of champagne” and never parties any more. Riiight, and Dan never judges any more either.

Blair finds Cyrus eating her pie. Not a metaphor. He says it needs more nutmeg, and Blair is not amused. Eleanor tells her to get with the program as Cyrus is now family.


Dorota then spills the beans that Cyrus proposed to Eleanor, and Eleanor said yes. Blair is definitely not amused.


Lily tries to be a mother, and since it’s not one of her offspring, it sorta works. However, after their talk, Lily finds the emancipation papers. Lily is so going to need her wine.

vlcsnap-2014-09-09-13h15m44s246The Humphreys run into Creepy Bores doing last minute Thanksgiving shopping. Yawn. Dan judges Creepy Bores for the contents of his shopping cart. He then judges Aaron for not thinking Serena is complicated and mentions the magic word “Georgina”. PLEASE be coming back!

Blair’s Turkey Day outfit. Me likey!


Blair decides not to go to Thanksgiving Dinner when Eleanor refuses to spill the beans to her about the engagement. Conflict.

Nate and Vanessa run into each other, and Nate gives her a thank-you note to deliver to Rufus. I think that’s what happened. I sorta fell asleep there. Sorry for sleeping on the job.

Chuck think’s Serena’s fugly Thanksgiving skirt needs to go higher.


That’s not what Serena wants his advice on though.  She wants him to keep his mouth shut about Party Girl Serena. Oh, please, just let Georgina come back from Boot Camp for this, even though Michelle T. wasn’t in the credits. Let it be a surprise! But when Creepy Bores shows up with the gift basket, asking all kinds of questions about Georgina, Serena proves she might have a future career as a politician by successfully diverting the subject without giving any answer what so ever.

Lily sans alcohol calls Rufus to tell him to get his butt over to discuss something about Jenny, so Rufus has Dan call Vanessa to cancel, Dan judges and then calls, but Vanessa doesn’t answer as she’s stopped by someone investigating Nate’s family. Dan judges.

The code to the vault of the Daddy WarBass gazillions is 8-7-69, Chuck’s mommy’s birthday. Keep that in mine for anyone in need of some cash.


Vanessa calls Chuck to help him with Nate and the FBI’s investigation, and leaves Eric with the files. Eric absconds with his and his family’s files.

Dressed fashionably for the Worst Thanksgiving Ever


Dorota talks Miss Blair into feeding the ducks at the pond like she did when she was little. I think this might be the first mention of the duck pond that Blair loves so much.

Lily acts shocked when TEENAGER Serena refuses wine, but she feels free to drink up anyway, of course.


Eric is very upset with all the dossiers on the Van der Woodsen clan, even though his is the smallest and Jenny is walking around with that hair.

Ding dong it’s the Humphrey’s! Damn you Lily for inviting them. But drama should happen! Creepy Bores accuses Dan of lying about Serena! Lily presents Rufus with Jenny’s emancipation papers! (Well, allowing someone to get that haircut is a sign of neglect I guess.)

Serena then gets Dan to say he was lying, but Dan judges her, Creepy Bores and himself. Dan will do anything for an opportunity to pass judgment onto others. Eric then shows up with the VD Woodsen dossiers.

Chuck and Vanessa stage an intervention for Nate with FBI agent in tow! The exclamation points seriously make this look much more exciting than it actually is.  So the Vanderbilts (Blah Mom’s family) are giving Captain Send Him Off To Prison And End This Crappy Story to take off apparently. Whatever. I don’t care enough and the writers cannot make this interesting (especially since Safran wrote this week’s episode).


Rufus, just ground her for life and take her to the stylist. Instead, he just says that he loves Jenny and lets her run off with the emancipation papers.


Lily has some reading to do with her drinking.


Lily is pissed that Daddy WarBass has files on the children, as it reminds her she is a mommy. She takes the kids and they skip off to another place for Thanksgiving.

Oh, Captain Sinister Plans was going to kidnap Blah Mom and Nate and hold them for ransom. A bit more interesting but not much and makes no sense at all. Typical Safran.

Who knows what is in that teacup? But it is now becoming the Annual Van der Woodsen Diner Family Dinner! Cheers!


Eric has been doing some reading, and it turns out Lily was institutionalized when she was 19 and never mentioned it to Eric when he was recovering from his suicide attempt at the Ostroff Centre. The plot thickens. If she was being treated for alcoholism, IT FAILED GREATLY.

Serena shows up at the Rose-Waldorf party to find a missing Blair, who she texts for Eleanor to find out where she’s hiding. She hands her dossier to Creepy Bores and leaves, hoping that Creepy won’t judge her for making snuff films, because her last boyfriend was all about the judging.

Blair and Dorota run into Jenny, and Blair seems to be jealous that Rufus loves Jenny as her dad is off in France being gay (in more than one sense of the word) and Eleanor is too into Cyrus. Eleanor shows up in a taxi, gives Jenny her shawl and tries to talk Blair into going back to Waldorf Thanksgiving. Blair says on one condition, that Jenny goes home too. Blair isn’t all bitch. Just 97% bitch.


Captain Arrested! Thank heavens. Let’s move onto something more interesting for pretty boy Nate now, shall we?


As Nate hasn’t heard from Jenny, he agrees to get together with Vanessa sometime. I SAID INTERESTING, not Jenny, not Vanessa, INTERESTING.

Look, it’s Blair’s gay daddy LEX LUTHOR!


Blair then outs that she thought the surprise was the engagement! Eleanor’s plan was to get the approval of Gay Daddy Lex Luthor before announcing an engagement, as if Lex Luthor don’t approve, no wedding will happen.

Oh gee, Little J. came home and ripped up the emancipation papers! Yawn.


Creepy Bores doesn’t read the dossier. He just wants to screw Serena. Serena is okay with that.

Lily shows up with Eric at the Humphreys, as she can’t think of any other place that feels like home. Daddy WarBass is nowhere to be found. And then Vanessa shows up. Jenny and Vanessa decide hoes before bros and make up.

Vanessa then sees something in Jenny’s mail.


As the end of another holiday draws near, I’d like to take a moment to list all the things I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for that no matter how dark things may get, old friendships can still be rekindled.


I’m thankful for new relationships that make us realize how far we’ve come from who we were.


And how close we get when we can really be ourselves.


I’m thankful to know that no matter what they say, you can go home again, whether it’s your home or not.


Daddy WarBass makes a call, wanting to know why Lily was institutionalized (alcoholism duh) while watching the Humphreys from his limo. I know Aaron is Creepy Bores but Daddy WarBass might just outcreep the creep.


But the thing I’m most thankful for, how even on the most giving of days, people can still do something unforgiveable.


Signed, stealed and delivered, I’m yours. XOXO, Gossip Girl

AND MY INTENSE HATRED INSTEAD OF MERE ANNOYNACE OF VANESSA HAS BEGUN WITH THAT MOMENT. Letter stealing hussy! And shame, shame for name checking Georgina a billion times without actually having her show up to give us some excitement! And please, Nate has an IQ of perhaps 2, so stop giving him all this tax fraud extortion father mumbo jumbo already!


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