O Brother, Where Bart Thou? Episode 2×13

Daddy WarBass has been in an accident! How bad was it? Will Chuck brood? Will Dan judge? Will Vanessa and Jenny annoy? Yes, yes and yes, no matter WHAT happened with that off-screen accident.

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Well, if the photo from Gossip Girl is to be believed, Bart did die. Finally things are happening on this show as it’s been such a snoozefest the past couple of weeks. (That’s what happens when you allow Jenny and Vanessa to drive plot.) Should we be glad we were spared hospital visits? Should we be mad that we were spared the accident scene? We all know Josh Schwartz likes his accident scenes from The O.C….(did Agnes go running back to being Kaitlin Cooper?)

And it’s the front-page headline for the New York Journal! Way to have a nice made up newspaper there. Everyone will comment on it being a good picture, by the way.

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Like mother, like daughter. Serena and Eric point out that Grandma CeCe (did she have cancer? That was a nice, forgotten plot point from the first season) there is gin in that coffee mug. She’s at least honest about it.

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But people mourn in their own ways. I’m sure Lily has had alcohol, but for once her hair is down and loose and there is no wine in sight.

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Blair reveals to Eleanor and Cyrus that Chuck is ignoring her. Inconceivable. Blair does know how to dress to MOURN, however.

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As does Serena!

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The writer this week is Stephanie Savage, so this should be good as she’s one of the creators and producers. She at least should be able to deal with plot continuity. We’ll see.

Dan’s been a rock for Serena these past few days, and Creepy Bores (Aaron Rose) walks in and Serena starts drooling all over him. Serena says she’s going to her stepfather’s funeral with her family, not with them, but she’ll see her two suitors there. Dan judges.

Lily has time for a walk in the park with Rufus before the funeral shindig gets started, of course. Lily feels guilty, of course, as Daddy WarBass was going to see her and she was going to end the marriage when the accident happened. Rufus says he’ll wait for her until she’s finished grieving, and Lily must be thinking to herself that she’ll head to Napa or Bordeaux or wherever there are lots of vineyards so she can hop on that offer sooner. Lots of leaves for DECEMBER, by the way.  Just saying. CeCe sees Rufus leaving.

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Chuck is BROODING and ignoring Blair’s calls. He tries to get the PI to dish what secrets Daddy WarBass had, but the detective ain’t telling.

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Uh oh, Lily finally listens to the message from Daddy Warbass from right before the accident. Turns out Daddy WarBass knows the real reason why Lily was institutionalized in France (alcoholism, duh).

Let’s turn the funeral into a pissing contest between this one for the heart of Serena! Didn’t Dan and Serena, you know, break up? Dan got the message first that the vd Woodsens are almost there! He has better cell service than Creepy Bores!

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The vd Woodsens pull up in a big-ass limo and make an entrance. And then Jenny’s hair looks even more blonde and horrid with all that black funeral clothing going on. Eric is disappointed that his ex-boyfriend Jonathan isn’t there.

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Blair and Nate try to help a drunk Chuck to the funeral so he can mourn properly.

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Chuck sees Dan Dan there and has an emotional outburst as he blames Rufus for being with Lily at the Snowflake Ball for his father’s death. CeCe thinks it’d be a good idea if Dan Dan left. Dan Dan agrees. Serena protests, but Creepy Bores tells her to let Dan Dan leave. Dan does so, judging. Lily tries to comfort Chuck, saying he needs family. Chuck tells her he doesn’t have any family and heads into the church alone, with everyone else looking at each other AWKWARDLY.

At least Vanessa hasn’t shown up to annoy. I probably just jinxed myself.

Then we’re cursed with Rufus back in Brooklyn singing about the situation when Dan Dan arrives home early. Yet the bad music which could so easily be judged is not judged by Dan. He apparently likes a judging challenge. Dan tries to figure out why Chuck thinks Rufus is the reason for Daddy WarBass’s death. Rufus just shrugs. Dan then judges his daddy for not going to the funeral. There it is.

The rest of the funeral must have been a bore, as it happened OFF SCREEN. Now, I’ve watched enough General Hospital to know that when these things happen off-screen, they’re either not real or the writers just don’t care enough to show them or the budget just doesn’t allow for a funeral AND stunt casting. Seeing as how Wallace Shawn is this week’s most-known guest star and at this point he’s recurring…anyway, the Terrific Threesome arrive at Lily’s penthouse for post-funeral fun.

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Blair: I’m not maternal. I’ve just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I’m turning Jewish.

The funeral inspired Cyrus to marry Eleanor the next day. Inconceivable. Eleanor says no, as she has nothing to wear, and Blair just isn’t ready to have her fairy tale princess dreams turn into The Princess Bride instead. Jenny overhears the protests and volunteers to make Eleanor a dress to make up for being Teenage Bitch the past few months. Eleanor somehow agrees to this. Blair then realises the worst of it all. SHE’S GOING TO BE STEPSISTER TO CREEPY BORES.

Speaking of Creepy Bores, he’s decided to buy Serena a Christmas holiday to Argentina, and Serena refuses, saying she has to be around to support everyone. However, if Serena goes with Aaron, it’ll be her Christmas present to him, Aaron says. “But I bought you a book!” Serena says. “Hop on Pop! Nate and I read it to each other last week and understood EVERYTHING.” Serena looked proud of herself for her newfound reading ability as she goes off to think about a potential vacation with a potential stalker.

CeCe urges her daughter to talk to Chuck to find out “what he knows” about Lily and Rufus, then gets a mysterious phonecall she has to take care of.

And then Eric’s ex (Jonathan) shows up at the Food For All at the vd Woodsens to talk. Right. “To talk.” Jonathan disappears into the minority closet for the rest of the episode.

Lily tries to defend herself, saying nothing was going on between her and Rufus and Chuck says she was to blame for Daddy WarBass’s death for being a hussy or something to that effect. Lily slaps him. Chuck walks off, saying that after the will is read, Lily will never see him again.

These three just watch Chuck walk off. They try to protest, and Eric comes along, saying he doesn’t want to lose his brother. Chuck just reminds Eric they’re not related and leaves. Blair runs after him.

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CeCe tells Lily that the PI called, and he’ll sell the secret to the highest bidder. Lily doesn’t want whatever this secret institutionalization is about (alcoholism) to get out and begs Mommy Dearest to buy it. CeCe will have to think about it, as she thinks Lily needs a clean slate. Lily continues to plead. I am just shocked that Lily hasn’t had ONE class of wine (on screen at least) this whole time!

Blair catches up to Chuck and says if he leaves, to take her with him. Chuck reminds her she’s not his girlfriend. Blair says “I love you”. (Wait. Three words with eight letters…is THAT what Blair and Chuck want each other to say?) Chuck responds “That’s too bad” and gets in to the limo.

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Serena tells Dan about the possible trip to Argentina, and Dan judges. The two fight and refuse to tell each other how they feel. Dan then realises they gave him an apricot muffin instead of cranberry and judges the coffee shop. He runs back to judge in person so he doesn’t have to be with Serena.

Wedding preparations are underway at Casa Waldorf, and a teary Blair tells Cyrus what happened with Chuck. His advice? “Give him time.” Inconceivable. Eleanor witnesses this and it makes her randy.

CeCe tricks Lily into admitting she is in love with Rufus. “It is a curse I would not wish on my worst enemy,” Lily says. Serena walks in just as Lily says “I love Rufus.” Lily’s like “Awww, shit, now I have to be a parent.” Lily reminds Serena that she once begged her not to be with Rufus because of Dan.  Serena says “Whatever, date him, I’m with Creepy Bores, and we’re going to Buenos Aires if that’s okay with you.” Lily sees an opportunity to not have to parent and says yes.

Jenny talks Dan into carrying the garment bag to Eleanor’s wedding so he can stop Serena from running away with Creepy Bores. Yawn. Lily then invites Rufus to run away with her for Christmas. No, the grave is not cold. And yes, yawn.

Oh, so CeCe DIDN’T buy the information, as the detective sells the information to Chuck, saying Lily wants to come clean about her stint in rehab or whatever the secret is. CeCe lied to Lily. Nice twist.

Serena’s going to Buenos Aires! The Humphrey’s then arrive. Awkward moment.

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Serena explains to Dan that their parents are in love. Dan judges them and then Serena for not telling him this sooner. He says they should still fight for it, but Serena says it’s time for her mom to be happy, and that dating her potential step brother is just a little bit too incestuous for her.

Chuck confronts Lily with whatever rehab information is in the envelope. Lily begs him not to turn away from his family. Chuck later burns the envelope.

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 Nice time for a white wedding, eh? Dorota is the most excited at the wedding.

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Lily takes her wedding band off before taking off with Rufus.

A toast to the new marriage.

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And Chuck finally turns to Blair.

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Easier to run away leaving a note then tell your kids you’re going to start screwing your son’s ex-girlfriend’s mother whose husband just died.

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CeCe then shows up to tell Rufus she wants Lily to be happy, but there is no chance of Ruffly’s happiness (I invented that couple name just now) if she doesn’t tell him Lily’s secret. “I know about the alcohol problem. I’ll get her into rehab.” “No, no, not that.”

BUT WHAT? WHAT IS IT? No, let’s go to Creepy Bores and Serena in a limo fighting over neck pillows. I don’t think anyone would object if Serena just forgot to bring him back from Argentina.

Dan arrives home ready to judge Rufus for not telling Dan that he was in love with Lily Bass when he finds Rufus sitting alone in the dark. Rufus says that he and Lily will never be and whatever trip he was about to go on is cancelled.

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Dan calls Serena, who doesn’t answer it despite Creepy Bores giving her permission to. “I know you still have feelings for him.” Stalkers don’t get jealous. Aaron then says he’s falling in love with Serena. Uh oh.

Awwwww.

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Rufus just wants to know one thing from Lily. Is it a boy or a girl? SECRET CHILD ALERT???

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Of course the midseason finale ends this way. *sigh* Kudos to Ed Westwick for doing a fantastic job this episode as Chuck.

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We hear Chuck Bass isn’t the only one who lost someone he loved this week. Our deepest condolences, Miss Waldorf. XoXo, Gossip Girl

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