In the Realm of the Basses. Episode 2×14

We’re halfway through the second season, and the only thing we really have to show for it are a dead father (Chuck’s dad Daddy WarBass died in an accident), a new stepfather (Hello, Cyrus! As you wish!), bad fashion designs from Jenny, Captain Went to Jail, and a lot of angst for all our characters, especially Chuck and Blair and Dan and Serena. Oh, and Aaron Rose/Creepy Bores. Oh! And Lily’s secret stay in an institution. Let’s hope for a better second half, mkay?

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It’s a New Year on the Upper East Side, and everyone is coming back from their Christmas vacations! Serena’s been tangoing (and screwing) her way through Buenos Aires. Lonely Boy Dan was alone (serves him right), and Jenny’s headed back to school! Blair will be ecstatic to have someone to torture again at school. And Chuck is missing. His uncle Jack has been seen about town though, which could potentially be interesting, depending on who his uncle is (hopefully fun evil like Georgina and not boring evil like Daddy WarBass).

Rufus is accompanying Dan Dan to his first day of his last semester. Dan protests, saying he’s not a third grader. “Physically you’re not,” Rufus replies. “But mentally? You have a long way to go to reach third grade.” Dan judges.

Blair wants in the Colony Club, the most exclusive Ladies’ Club in New York, which means the world. Ladies’ Club? Sounds like Chuck’s burlesque bar Victrola to me.

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Nelly Yuki is happy to see Little J. However, the Mean Girls aren’t happy to see Nelly speaking to Jenny. They send Nelly to fetch them Starbucks, probably spiked.

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Meet Jack Bass, everyone. He’s found Chuck. A very drugged, drunk and hung over Chuck.

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Rufus gets a call from an adoption agency. Isn’t 17 and 15 a little too old to give your kids up for adoption? Oh, for Lily’s secret kid. Right.

Great news everyone! Serena broke up with Aaron Rose over Christmas OFF SCREEN! Let’s all steal some of Lily’s hidden champagne to make a toast to this great decision! Team Serena! Wait, now she wants Dan back, and he kisses her. I take back that Team Serena.

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Blair is worried that Chuck didn’t return the “I love you” and was busy thinking about Thai hookers instead of her. And something happened over the break, but  Dan comes up and kisses Serena before Blair can tell Serena what happened.  Blair is so ecstatic for them she says “I’m going to go vomit now.” Team Blair.

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By the way, actress Kelly Rutherford was pregnant for the second half of season 2, which means we will be getting TONS of shots of Lily from the waist up without her wine glasses like this one:

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Rufus confronts Lily about the fact she gave their child up for adoption and never told him about it. The baby that was put up for adoption 20 years ago finally gets a pronoun (“him”), so it was a boy. I hope an attractive one, and I hope NOT Aaron Rose, as that would be incestuous even for this show. Lily signed away her rights to look for the kid when gave him for adoption. How convenient for a plot point.

Caption this:

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Hazel is out of water, so she snaps her fingers and Nelly gives her a refill. When Penelope makes Nelly clean her yellow high-heel shoes, Jenny can’t take it anymore! She stands up for Nelly. Penelope says they’re BFF and BFF clean each other’s shoes with their fingers, not napkins. Jenny grabs Nelly and forces her to leave. The Mean Girls are going to wage war, as soon as HAZEL cleans Penelope’s shoes. None of this has been made up!

Chuck shows back up at school to smoke a joint, and Blair tells him to get rid of it. Too late, Headmistress Queller has seen him with it. Uh oh. If this were Saved by the Bell, Blair would be cooking up a scheme to get Chuck out of this while using her one character prototype!

Rufus walks in on Serena and Dan Dan about to get it on. Every parents’ worse nightmare, every fans’ worse nightmare is Dan being sexual. For once Rufus is the Humphrey doing some judging instead of Dan.

At a meeting in Headmistress Queller’s office, Blair tries to plead temporary insanity for Chuck when Jack shows up, wearing purple. It’s a Bass family trait! Blair continues her defense, Chuck corrects them all saying it’s “hash” and Queller says as long as it doesn’t happen again. Chuck decides to pull out another joint and lit up in the office on his way out. Smart move there. I guess he knows he’s going to have to deal with Josh Safran moving up the Gossip Girl chain of command and has to deal somehow. (Yeah, I went there again.)

Not complaining about a lack of Vanessa, but where is the hunky dim-witted one Nate? Shouldn’t he be helping out his bff-bromance Chuck?

It’s another breakfast at the Humphrey’s. Oh joy. Jenny gets to catch up on the gossip that Dan is back with Serena and something happened between Rufus and Lily. Dan judges Rufus for not telling Jenny. Wait, why are they WALKING to school if they live in Brooklyn and the school is in the Upper East Side and it’s January? How early is Humphrey breakfast anyway?

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Jenny: Serena is like the best thing to ever happen to him (Dan). She’s smart, funny and like 9 levels of hotter than him.

Queen Bee Blair can’t be bothered with deciding whether Nelly can be a Mean Girl or not. She has more important things to do, like figure out how to keep her whatever he is from getting expelled for drugs on school property. The Mean Girls continue their bickering. Blair is just over high school and ready for the Colony Club. Maybe a Ladies’ Club is where they go to see male strippers? Can I go?

Blair is WORRIED about Chuck, people.

The Mean Girls are not happy their table has been taken. This is a much more suitable B-plot for Jenny than that fashion shit. The ice cream shop fills up leaving the Mean Girls without a table. Penelope calls her daddy asking for help with Headmistress Queller, who apparently can control ice cream shops?

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Blair finds Chuck in Victrola. He pushes Blair away, refusing to ask for help from her, or the vd Woodsens, or anything. He is DEPRESSED and dealing with his DAD DYING in the only way he knows how. Sex, alcohol and drugs.

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Detective Nancy Serena Drew and Hardy Boy Dan find an engagement ring, and Serena thinks that Lily refused a proposal from Rufus. Dan judges her on her bad idea as she is totally wrong. Serena gets a text from Blair and uses the chance to run away from Judgy Judgerson.  Dan finds a map from Boston with a phone number on it, which he calls. IT’S AN ADOPTION AGENCY! THE HORROR! THE SHOCK! Dan stores the number in his phone in case Serena gets knocked up and Lily won’t pay for an abortion, then tries to figure out just who he can judge for this shocking turn of events.

No, Blair, I’m not a fan of ruffles either.

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Oh, Penelope’s dad called to report Jenny for bullying the Mean Girls. This is only 2009, so Gossip Girl was ahead of the curve with this adventurous storyline of lying about bullies. Jenny realises that Nelly knows things about the Mean Girls and wants information.

Much better outfit, B!

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Blair tells Serena she’s not abandoning Chuck but trying to build a life for herself as Chuck is self-destructive. Then a bunch of women dressed in 50’s outfits parade in. Seriously, Blair. This is the life you want?

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Dan goes down to Victrola, and he judges the seediness of the bar as he looks for Chuck. Dan asks Chuck what he knows, and while Chuck originally was going to keep Lily’s secret, he decided that since Dan buried the arson story about Daddy WarBass, he can go ahead and spill the beans. Dan is NOT the first-born Humphrey. NO! OUR WORST NIGHTMARE! MORE HUMPHREYS! Then Chuck points out that having a sibling in common is just too incestuous, even for him. Is this the real end for Dan and Serena?

The Colony Ladies are so full of judgement I think I see a future storyline involving Dan in Drag. They judge Serena and Blair’s friendship with her, Daddy WarBass *and* hope Blair has nothing to do with Bass Junior (Chuck). Even Dorota grimaces. Blair throws them all out, saying that she sees one “never leaves high school behind” which she wanted to do, that Lily and Serena were Nice people and that she was going to go help Chuck Bass. Ta ta!

Chuck seriously is not looking good. Good job, makeup people!

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Eric begs Chuck to return to their house, but Chuck turns down the offer and grabs more alcohol.

Jenny tells that she’ll send Gossip Girl all the Mean Girls’ sex secrets if they don’t back off their bullying claim. The Mean Girls do, and then they think Jenny is Queen. Jenny denies the post, and Nelly runs after the Mean Girls. She was just hoping for a new regime, but that’s not happening. Jenny as Queen? Whatever.

Rufus tells Lily he doesn’t hate her but he’ll need time to process things. Yawn. Dan drags Serena away from a party so they can talk. Yawn. Blair walks into the party looking for Chuck and finds Jack instead. Not so yawn.

Blair: Clearly you don’t know Chuck. He has a thing for rooftops.

Chuck is on the edge, literally, singing to himself, shouting “I’m Chuck Bass!”, when he drops his bottle of booze. Jack and Blair catch up to him which nearly causes him to jump, but Blair manages to talk him down. He breaks down in her arms as Jack watches.

Rufus calls Dan right before Dan is about to tell her about their brother. Rufus tells Dan to wait, and Dan judges. “It’s not your secret to tell, Dan. It’s Lily’s.” “But DAD, Lily can’t tell it without the judgement in her voice like I can!” Dan pouts, then judges, then agrees to let Lily tell Serena. Rufus and Lily will later go look for their secret child.

Jack tells Blair that she has no choice but to trust him. Blair replies “He (Chuck) can’t know what happened on New Year’s.” WHAT HAPPENED ON NEW YEAR’S? DON’T KEEP ME HANGING! I know! Dan judged someone.

Aw, me. The year’s scarcely turned, and already the secrets have begun. Where will it end this time?

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The New Year isn’t about what happened; it’s about what’s to come.

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But the past is always with us, just waiting to mess with the present. And when it does, I’ll be watching.

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XOXO, Gossip Girl

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