Last week, Dan learned he and Serena have a SECRET LOVE CHILD SIBLING in common as Lily never told anyone about giving birth to Rufus’ SECRET LOVE CHILD, Chuck’s uncle Jack showed up to watch Chuck in free fall, and viewers learned Blair did something on New Year’s Eve she doesn’t want anyone to know. (I’m guessing listen to Hillary Duff.) What will happen this week? I bet it has something to do with Daddy WarBass’s will from the title.
It’s time for a will-reading, Upper East Siders! Blair shows up to support Chuck, and Jack mentions something happened between Jack and Blair on New Year’s. Now things are interesting. Jack is sure the company will be left for him to run, but Chuck is wondering what strings will come attached with the billions headed his way. Oh, and Nate finally decides to show up to be with his BBoyFF and show some support. Better late than never I suppose. Blair is annoyed she’s not the VIP.
Back in Brooklyn, Jenny is show sure Rufus and Lily are doing the nasty on their trip to Boston, but Dan knows why they’re there, and it’s not for sexcapades. It’s to find a missing sibling. He’s not telling Little J. that, so she presumes Dan just wants Serena. However, Dan ignores Serena’s call.
Jack is named Chuck’s legal guardian, and when he says no curfews and the more girls sleeping over the better, Chuck “allows it”. Lily gets 20% of Bass industries, the board continues with their 29%, but the 51% controlling interest goes to…oh, a letter for Chuck that he refuses to read! He thinks it will say
You’re a disappointment of a son. I’d die of embarrassment if I wasn’t already. Why do you wear so much purple?
Blair reads the letter. Chuck gets controlling share of Bass Industries. Chuck gives it to Jack, who winks at Nate. Jack better not be going after Chuck’s man!
Eric is annoyed Jenny is popping up on all his dates with Jonathan. Can we say FAG HAG? She thinks their matching backpacks are “so cute.” Yep, FAG HAG, emphasis on hag.
Serena says Lily is usually honest about her hussying around, too honest, as she knows that Lily is not banging Rufus at this moment in time AND Sarkozy was a bad kisser. It’s sad that 98% of the target audience of this show has no idea how hysterical that information is. (He was the Prime Minister of France during most of Gossip Girl’s run. Hollande is the current guy.)
The Mean Girls overhear Dan on the phone to Rufus saying he doesn’t like lying to Serena. They’re on a mission to find out what about.
Gossip Girl sends out a blast about how Dan might be cheating on Serena. Dan is shocked and surprised that everyone is staring at him in shock all of a sudden, and he judges their judgemental looks not knowing why they are judging him. But Dan never needs a reason to judge. It’s like breathing for him.
Chuck: You saved my life when I didn’t want to be saved.
Jack: You noticed that Thai waitress I wanted to take home the other night had a penis. Consider ourselves even.
Chuck wants the company, but so does Jack. Jack tries to convince Chuck to let him control it until Chuck turns 18. Chuck wants it now.
Dan’s locker is trashed, which he immediately judges, and Blair nonchalantly kicks a stray book his direction as she is busy listening to Jack’s apology. Jack wants to throw a surprise party for Chuck, and Blair decides on brunch at the Palace. Dan is not invited, of course.
Lily: Rufus, he has a whole life that we are not a part of. Think of someone other than yourself.
Funniest line EVER from the woman who is regularly too busy drinking wine to remember she has two teenaged kids and ONLY thinks of herself. Anyway, since it was a closed adoption, the parents cannot go looking for the kid unless he registers with a search service.
Blair: Gossip Girl is looking for evidence that Dan’s cheating on you. Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey.
And then Vanessa and Nate are skipping Chuck’s brunch to celebrate their two-month anniversary. Umm, Nate? Isn’t Chuck your BBoyFF? Nelly Yuki shows up and sees Dan slip a cell phone into his coat pocket. She manages to steal it and eavesdrop on Dan telling Vanessa about Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD.
And then Mini Mean Girls show up to chastise Dan for cheating on S and congratulate V. for falling upward, going from Dan to Nate.
Jack decides to taunt Chuck with whores and drugs to make him look like a bad businessman to gain control of the company. Yawn. Company business stuff is always boring no matter who is involved.
The Mean Girls inform Nelly by stealing Dan’s phone, she may be off probation by her second marriage. They then get Vanessa’s text to Dan.
Chuck took the bait, leaving Blair all alone. Poor B. What is it about hookers that Blair doesn’t have, besides the illegal drugs and herpes?
The Secret Love Child’s adoptive parents don’t want to meet Rufus and Lily. I guess they’re not big Lincoln Hawk fans. Also, they think by having Lily read The Boston Globe, they can make us believe they are really in Boston and that they are hiding Kelly Rutherford’s real-life pregnancy.
Like mother, like daughter. There’s a strawberry in that champagne, folks. And it’s breakfast time.
Serena takes a cue from her on-again-off-again boyfriend Dan Dan and judges Chuck for ditching Blair and Blair for still being interested.
Blair: Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait until you get Botox.
Like mother like daughter indeed.
Oh hell, the Humphreys have shown up horrendously dressed for the occasion. How do you like being judged on those clothes, Little J.? Dan reminds us that he has lost his phone and has his dad’s old cell from around the year 2000.
The Mean Girls want Blair’s approval before going ahead with releasing the news of The Secret Love Child to Gossip Girl. Blair can’t be bothered so she says “ok” so she can go find out why Jack showed up to the brunch in Chuck’s honor without Chuck.
Jenny has a hissyfit when Eric says he wants to hang out alone with his boyfriend (have sex) without Jenny. Jenny says all he does is talk about Jonathan, to which Eric replies “Sorry you don’t have a boyfriend.” Jenny calles him conceited, and Eric retorts “You’re annoying.” TEAM ERIC TEAM ERIC A MILLION TIMES TEAM ERIC.
And the Gossip Girl blast about The Secret Love Child goes out in the middle of brunch, causing everyone to look at Dan, who is worried he ate bad tuna. He judges the tuna.
Hold on to your floppy cable-knit hats, kids. Lonely Boy’s secret is out, and this one is a doozy. D. wasn’t cheating, but there’s definitely a third party involved. Seems D. and S. share a sibling. While I’m always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn’t share DNA.
Serena walks off, and we segue into Blair and the Bass Industries board members finding Chuck in a compromising position. Was that a line he just snorted?
Now Blair is mad at Chuck for being a cokewhore, Chuck is mad at Blair for throwing him a brunch, Serena is mad at Dan for not telling him they had a sibling in common, and Dan is mad someone dares to judge him. HE’S the only one that can judge, dammit.
This also means Eric and Jenny are siblings. They even admit that’s why they fight like siblings. So precious. Now make like a Cassadine and kill your sibling, E.
Rufus and Lily yawn continue to fight about whether they should continue to yawn try to find their yawn Secret Love Child. Lily admits she is still in love with Rufus. What exactly is the Humphrey Hold over the VD Woodsen women? I don’t get it. Rufus then kisses Lily. They then have the sex. I had to watch it, so you have to see the screen cap of it.
Then they get a call that the adoptive father of The Secret Love Child wants to meet with him. Maybe he is a Lincoln Hawk fan after all and wants an autograph? Or he has stock in the wineries in New York State and wants to sell some to Lily?
Jack reveals to Chuck there is a morality clause which means if Chuck is immoral (which happens almost as often as Dan judges, ok, no, nothing happens that often, sorry), they can replace Chuck with Jack. Smooth move, Jack.
Eric and Serena bond over suddenly finding out they have a half sibling.
Serena: And now I share a half-sibling with my boyfriend? That’s a little more hillbilly than I can handle.
Dan and Nate then bond over the shocking Secret Child news and having their private lives made public. They’re friends again. How sweet. Will Nate tell Dan all about what being friends with him entails?
The adoptive father of The Secret Love Child tells Rufus and Lily that The Secret Love Child drowned the previous year. Convenient.
Chuck tries to make up with Blair, but it’s too late. She’s had enough of watching him self-destruct. Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick are killing me in this scene.
Jenny offers Dan the choice of playing Boggle or watching Showgirls to forget his pain. He chooses Boggle, proving his heterosexuality and upsetting Nate somewhere. Their new sorta-siblings Eric and Serena show up, and Dan and Serena TALK. Dan judges himself for keeping the secret. They try to think of literary examples of quasi-related people boinking. Dan talks about Russian literature, and Serena brings up Clueless. This is bringing the show back to reality, folks. They know their characters once again. Was Safran fired?
Jenny also takes her place back as Eric’s rightful hag.
The problem with inheritance is that it’s not always as simple as it sounds.
Sometimes, you get more than you bargained for.
The adoptive parents talk. Turns out it was their other son who drowned. The Secret Love Child is alive and well, ready to show up during some sweeps month when the writers have no other ideas up their sleeves for sure.
Or you discover that in gaining one thing, you’ve lost something else.
Lily says she always had hope she’d end up drinking wine with Rufus (attending Al-Anon behind her back), but then she backtracks, saying maybe they weren’t meant to be a family.
But every once in a while, the fates smile upon you and you get the one thing you really need. XOXO Gossip Girl
Kelly Rutherford was not at all pregnant when this was filmed!