Previously on Gossip Girl a will was read, providing more drama than usual, and Rufus and Lily ran away to Boston to try to find their Secret Love Child. Serena and Dan found out they have sibling in common, which is totally a mood-killer. Uncle Jack managed to get Chuck fired from Bass Industries to take it over. What will happen next? Please tell us, Gossip Girl! We’re literally dying here! In fact, Daddy WarBass died from not knowing!
All Blair wants is a ticket to Yale. So call Greyhound and see if they have a ticket from the Upper East Side to New Haven.
It’s the big day, and Blair couldn’t sleep so she stayed up all night watching Gilmore Girls, the Lesser GG which I’m concurrently watching, but that one for the first time. Blair is tots more deserving of Yale than that Rory! Her family even bought B. a new pet for the occasion, a bulldog.
Wow, that bull dog is tots a better actor than Penn, Jessica and Taylor! Dorota advises not to look behind the sofa. Who knows how many used condoms might be back there Maybe the dog left a surprise. Blair is such a shoe-in for Yale, for sure! Notice how the gays ask where Chuck is and if he is coming to the opera with them.
Blair: Chuck is as dead to me as his father is to him. More blueberries.
Sharing a sibling doesn’t stop Dan and Serena from kissing, yet you know he’s equally judging you for waiting until marriage or for sleeping with the water polo team on Prom Night. Hey, that sibling is DEAD so they can kiss all they want. Dan is worried about getting in, whereas Serena is more worried that she’ll get in and Blair won’t. Please. Dan won’t get into Ivy League, and Serena and Blair’s families can buy themselves into whatever university they want.
Can we say…awkward much? So much for keeping it on the down low.
Lily talks Rufus into making their debut as a couple at the opera charity event, and Rufus, like any sane heterosexual American guy, tries to get out of the opera. The camera guys fail to hide Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy.
Eric: I would say get a room, but yours is right above mine.
To quote Summer Roberts…Ew!
And to quote her again, EW!
Chuck plans to oust Jack, and the two trade barbs. If only they weren’t related, they could screw and get all those tensions out. Instead, they continue mocking and insulting each other. The CW probably told Josh Safran an actual pissing contest would be against the FCC regulations.
Dan Dan notices a new girl, and Serena points out that it’s her Shakespeare teacher Miss Carr. This is so unbelievable. Serena taking a Shakespeare class? As if. I can see her saying “Leo is so dreamy as Romeo. If only they were speaking English”. Dan and Miss Carr trade insults about the UES, which is first base for Dan. Shouldn’t Serena be worried about is he her boyfriend this week?
Miss Carr is from Iowa and has been doing Teach For America for two years in Alabama and is so excited to have a salaried job! Oh just wait until you meet more students, Miss Carr!
It’s REFRESH REFRESH REFRESH time on your 2G cell phones!
It turns out Nelly Yuki ALSO applied to Yale. Uh oh.
Things you NEVER expected to hear coming from Nate Archibald’s mouth, especially in a conversation with Dan Humphrey for 100, Alex. “Are you going to that opera thing tonight?” Ding ding ding, we have a winner. Nate doesn’t even know what a “Clockwork Orange” is. “Is that a sex position I can try with Chuck Vanessa?”
Chuck asks Lily to help bring Unca Jack down. Lily says she is more concerned about Chuck than the company, pleads with him to move back in and remarks that setting Jack up with a transsexual hooker were not the answer to the problem. Chuck replies “Two. They owed me a favour.” The things off-screen we never get to actually see…
The second-most unbelievable thing of the entire series right here:
Nelly Yuki practically orgasms when she steals Blair’s phone and reveals that B. has been WAITLISTED. IN BOLD.
Dan Dan vomit also got in vomit, and Serena vomit lies vomit to save face for Blair vomit that she didn’t get in vomit.
Blair complains to Headmistress Queller about not getting in, as high school headmistresses apparently have power to get their students into prestigious universities. Queller tells Blair to be patient, which is not one of her qualities, reassuring B. that she will get in despite being waitlisted, and she also refuses to tell B. who got in from Constance.
Blair: Dan Humphrey? He’s like the cafeteria worker with a winning lottery ticket. You couldn’t pry that acceptance away from him with the jaws of life.
Blair: Witch hunts are my Valium, Serena.
Blair doesn’t seem to like Miss Carr, who noticed Blair’s absence from first period. She returns some paper from Blair, and Blair doesn’t look too happy. Uh oh.
If Safran wasn’t writing this episode, I’d commend Gossip Girl on their foreshadowing now that I can look back…
Some very bad accented British old lady calls S. to see if they can issue a press release that Serena vd Woodsen is attending. WTF is this show? The Walking Dead is about zombies and is more realistic! True Blood and Sookie’s precious fairy vagina that beckons every heterosexual male is more realistic, and it had vampires DAYWALKING.
Lily meets with another board member of Bass industries about her concerns with Jack and Chuck, and Jack comes in. Jack hits on her, then insults her, saying that Bass Industries is better under his inexperience than with a woman of her ill repute (Lily is a whore. It comes with the van der Woodsen surname.) Lily learns the same morality clause that got Chuck fired does indeed apply to Jack too.
Oh no! Blair got a B on the paper! Miss Carr doesn’t know that seniors get a free pass! (Umm. Not until the last week.) Miss Carr goes by her Iowa principles and refuses to inflate the grade. How dare she! This means WAR. Especially because one B totally means Blair won’t get into Yale now!
Lily decides to join Chuck in his war against Jack. Lily just wants to know if Chuck really tried to buy anthrax on Jack’s credit card. This seems so dated now as today it would be ebola on a credit card whose number was hacked from a purchase at Whores R Us. During the war strategy session, Lily gets a call from Rufus and Chuck is miffed that Lily is going to take her “half-priced hustler” out on the town. Chuck is somehow surprised that a vd Woodsen is a hussy.
Hey, we’re 20 minutes into this week’s show and no sign of Jenny or Vanessa. Shit, sorry. You don’t mention a perfect game in the middle of a perfect game. Now they’re going to show up with their obnoxious clothes and annoying personalities.
S. catches Blair planning war on Miss RACHEL Carr (we have a first name) and admits that she just called Yale to reject the admission so Blair should be getting a call any moment now. Someone hand Safran a copy of College Admissions and Acceptance for Dummies now. Blair cancels Project Nelly Yuki and promises Blair not to go after Miss Carr. Dan Dan is judging S. on this decision and while excited at another opportunity to judge, he is sad his girlfriend he shares a supposedly dead sibling with won’t be going to the same college as him.
My apologies on ruining the perfect game. At least Je I’m not finishing that thought.
She bought Nate opera tickets! Just what every teenaged male wants! Not. Even the gay teens prefer their musicals at this point.
Shit. I ruin everything! And Eric is also trying to prove me wrong about gay teens preferring Broadway to Opera as he tries to educate Rufus on Operas. I should know, I always preferred Broadway. Anyway, they shall see The Magic Flute, which is opera for amateurs. I think The Magic Skinflute would be more Eric’s thing but whatever.
Mean Girls Isabel (Angel) and Penelope (Devil) lie on either side of Blair, telling her what to do about Miss Carr and the B. Blair decides the Devil is more fun and calls Miss Carr to invite her to the opera. Miss Carr has always wanted to go…so Blair tells Miss Carr to meet her at the boathouse in Central Park. All I can think of is how many people have been killed and how many people fornicated in the Quartermaine boathouse on General Hospital.
It’s a night at the opera! Fabulous dressing shall commence!
Or not, if you’re Vanessa. How she even manages to screw up the opera is a mysteryfor the times.
Dan judges Vanessa on the nosebleed tickets she got for Nate and reveals that Nate had other tickets for her. Yawn.
Jack is so glad Lily could find an escort manwhore (Rufus) she met in the graveyard. Jack brought the PR rep to keep him in line. Jack also informs Rufus the opera isn’t The Magic Flute. Uh oh.
Chuck in a tux drinking champagne, just because.
Up in the nosebleeds, a woman with emphysema sits next to Vanessa and coughs up a lung.
Dan continues to judge Serena for not going to Yale and finds Brown beneath the both of them. Riiiiight. I just want to see Serena meet Summer and Cohen.
Lily is touched by Rufus trying to fit in her world, but her world with him is the only world that matters. Vomit. Serena and Dan walk up the stairs to the parents of their supposedly dead shared sibling making out.
Blair gets a call from Headmistress Queller to let Blair know Miss Carr would still be able to give her an A if the rest of the work were up to par with Blair’s usual standards. Wow, real life on the Upper East Side. Who’d have thunk it?
I refuse to acknowledge that Safran gave us this.
Lily reveals that she and Daddy WarBass were going to adopt each other’s kids and she had the paper that would make her Chuck’s legal guardian. As Chuck goes to sign it, Jack shows up to try to stop it. Too late, Lily is Chuck’s guardian. I’m scared.
Miss Carr is not happy Blair invited her to a closed restaurant and told her the opera was at 8, not 7. Who would be? Blair tries to explain that she can’t not act out against people and apologizes. Miss Carr accepts and says they’ll see each other at this weird place called school on Monday. Miss Carr then calls Headmistress Queller.
Vanessa allowed Nate to take her to the posh box seats. Yawn AND vomit.
Jack gets high and tries to rape Lily. Rufus realizes he hasn’t seen his girlfriend in a while, and Chuck goes to find Lily when he finds a locked ladies “powder room”. Chuck breaks the door just in time and punches Jack out. Manfight!
Next morning, Lily is on Page 6!
Lily decided not to press charges but arranged for Jack to head back to Australia. Lily says the company is his when he turns 18 but she will be the interim director until then. Chuck agrees to move back into the penthouse.
The thing about new begininnings is that the require something else to end.
Blair calls Serena to say that Headmistress Queller wanted to meet with her and makes fun of Brown, Serena and Veganism Lesbians.
Some endings take a long time to reveal themselves, but when they do, they’re almost too easy to ignore.
Serena calls Dan Dan, but he ignores her call to read John Updike. Then Miss Carr shows up.
Some beginnings start so quietly you don’t even realize they’re happening.
But most endings come when you least expect them, and what they portend is even darker than you ever imagined.
Turns out Miss Carr tattle-told on Blair. Yale has been notified of her detention and her acceptance is on hold. If Blair is a good little girl, the acceptence will still happen. If not….uh oh.
Not all beginnings are a cause for celebration. A lot of bad things begin. Fights, flu season, and the worst thing of all
Dorota: Uh oh. Is it war?
Blair: Yes, but this one will be different. I need to wait for my moment and then I’m going Black Ops. Off the radar, no accountability.
Going to be starting something. XOXO, Gossip Girl