Carnal Knowledge. Episode 2×17.

After we suffer through this episode (that isn’t really that bad, but not as good as what’s ahead), the best episodes of Gossip Girl will arrive. We can rejoice, albeit briefly, as the best will give way to four seasons of unwatchableness after thinking a failed backdoor pilot about Lily in the 80s proving Like Mother Like Daughter was a good idea. First, we must see what happens after Serena was accepted and then turned down Yale for Blair, this Miss Carr teacher is up to and how far Blair’s war against her will go, the aftermath of Jack Bass nearly raping Lily which gave her the ability to push him out of Bass Industries and if the show will ever mention the Secret Love Child between Lily and Rufus again. Also, always remember, the less Vanessa and Jenny, the better!

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Blair is bitching first thing in the morning about having to serve detention. Well, making your teacher go to closed restaurants after enticing her with the offer of opera has to be punished somehow, and teachers can’t kill students. Otherwise, Jenny would have never survived her temper tantrum and quitting the previous semester, let alone be readmitted to Constance. And Blair is also pissy that Serena just loooooves Miss Carr as Miss Carr understands her soooo well. Did Miss Carr also find it unfair that The Cat in the Hat was not acceptable for a senior book report? Anyway, this is how Blair spends detentions: Having Dorota pick up the trash for her.

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Dorota calls Blair out on her martyr act to her gay daddy Lex Luther. Blair makes Dorota pick up more trash.

Miss Carr, showing how she is a Josh Safran creation, what with his Humphrey Boner and all, just loooooves Dan’s writing. Serena is surprised to see them together. I mean, by all means, Serena and Miss Carr must travel to Brooklyn before school starts in Manhattan. I presume the school starts at 8? How early do these people get up? Also, even though Miss Carr teaches at the girls’ school Constance and Dan goes to the boys’ school St. Jude, wouldn’t this sort of fraternization be against the rules? Anyway, Dan and Miss Carr bond over their not taking a limo to school. Serena has no clue what King Lear is, thinking that Cordelia was a character from Buffy and Angel.

Chuck wakes up hung over, flashing back to some Eyes Wide Shut scene.

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He’s also been branded. He’s DAUNTLESS, alright! Maybe they have a serum to make me forget whatever fashion atrocity Jenny and Vanessa will show up in. I bet Blair was Divergent.

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Blair’s finished her detention service and is ready for the takedown. But none of the Mean Girls are interested!

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Blair tries to give an inspirational speech about legacy and shit ripped off from a movie, but Penelope says it’s B’s vendetta, not theirs.

Headmistress Queller has a new policy: NO CELL PHONES. That wasn’t in place already? Er, um, HOW DARE SHE. WHAT NERVE. HOW CAN TEENS LIVE WITHOUT PHONES IN CLASS? They figure out that the new check your phones in before entering school idea was had by Miss Carr herself. This means war from the Mean Girls. Blair, yawn. No sexting their boobies to the boys in class? WAR.

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Hazel then posts a philosophical question.

Is a scandal still a scandal if you can’t text about it?

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Dorota sneaks in Blair and her Minions cell phones so they can dig deep into the Commie Cornhusker’s past. I thought the Cornhuskers were Nebraska, not Iowa? I know nothing about professional baseball (the NBA, right?) anyway so I could be wrong.

Nine minutes and 31 seconds of Vanessa-free bliss have ended.

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Chuck’s now been invited to some top-secret gentleman’s club that has nothing to do with any of the rest of the show and is such an insipid idea I know Safran was behind it even if he wasn’t the one who wrote this episode. Nothing of interest happened, and this is one of the bad things about the second part of the second season. It’s stupid, and I’m going to channel my inner-Blair and just pretend it didn’t happen by not writing any more about it. Now to go to Tiffany’s and hum “Moon River” and visit the duck pond.

Another mise-en-scene shot out! Major props!

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Apparently Miss Carr is the “Mother Theresa of the Midwest”, so Blair just inspires the Mean Girls to make something up if there is no dirt. Blair then asks herself “With friends like these, who needs friends?” Exactly.

Blair then stumbles upon Dan stumbling over Miss Carr and awkwardly flirting with her. Blair realizes that she could seize the opportunity to judge the judger, but instead, she’ll send in a rumour to Gossip Girl.

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Blair texts “Lonely Boy and Miss Carr? Mary Kay Letourneau alert!” to Gossip Girl before saying to herself “XOXO.” God, I love Blair when she’s getting revenge.

MY EYES, MY EYES. Reasons to be scared of the Number 13 is Jenny shows up at minute 13:03 wearing this. Ow.

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Dan did tell Jenny that he did manage to find time to judge her on her raccoon makeup. I hope he’s judging her on that horrid outfit. Jenny informs her brother that GG is all a talk about his alleged affair with Miss Carr. Serena believes Dan when he says he isn’t boinking that as Serena is the one who keeps his Viagra.

Dan then follows Blair into the Ladies’ Room.

Blair: I knew you and Serena were having problems, but I didn’t know they were anatomical.

Blair denies sending it to Gossip Girl, of course.

Acceptable place to turn in homework.

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Serena advises Miss Carr on how to handle Gossip Girl. Miss Carr didn’t know what a Gossip Girl was.

Blair is then called into Headmistress Queller’s office. Uh oh. Nelly Yuki blabbed to Queller that it was Blair who sent it. Smarter than she looks. This information means Queller has to expel Blair. OH MY GOD, SOMEONE IS PAYING FOR THEIR ACTIONS ON A TEEN SOAP? I am shocked!!!

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(SPOILER ALERT: I actually was in shock when they took Yale, Blair’s dream for 18 years, away from her. I know they had to keep the show in NYC, but there are all kinds of other reasons they could’ve kept her in town. The best would have been a time jump like One Tree Hill, but noooooo, they had to make it the worst high-school-to-college transition ever that never really made sense. < / end tangent>)

Gay Daddy Lex Luther is worried about slander, and Blair tries to defend herself saying she didn’t lie. Lex Luther, of course, is going to fight it.

Dan is happy for the chance to judge Blair while talking to Vanessa. Rufus shows up at the gallery. Rufus has been summoned to a meeting about the incident and wants to know how much is true. Dan leaves as he judges his tea for getting cold.

I wasn’t going to mention anything else about the stupid Chuck storyline (poor Ed Westwick) but this cannot be left out. My worst nightmares as a gay Vanessa-hater:

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More inappropriate teen-teacher friendship outside of schoolness. No wonder everyone believes the rumour about Dan Dan and Miss Car.

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Serena can’t get Miss Carr to change her mind about having Blair expelled. Miss Carr takes off, leaving her agenda behind for Serena to snoop and find out what appointments Miss Carr has. No, not Cornhuskers of New York/Inappropriate Relationships with Students Before Sex Even Happens calendar photo shoot is NOT written down!

The dog needs more scenes! Blair tells Dorota to give “Handsome to a homeless man with kind eyes”.

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Rufus meets Gay Daddy Lex Luther, and the two do not get off to a good start. Lily rushes Rufus inside, hoping there will be free wine. There isn’t.

Ooooh, Miss Carr is meeting with DAAAAN. Let’s all judge the judger some more! This is fun. Give us more ammo, Dan Dan!

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Miss Carr is insulted at the rumour with the affair with a student. “I would NEVER have an affair with DaI mean a student! Me and you? Never!” she cries  before sobbing. Dan Dan tries to comfort her, and Serena catches them like this. S. captures the moment on her 2009 SmartPhone and sends it to Gossip Girl. #TeamSerena

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EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW If I have to see it, you do too.

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Wait, Serena took the picture to show that Blair was telling the truth so there is no slander case going on. Good. Who wants to see Blair go to Oberlin anyway? Also, why is Blair wearing this with nowhere to go? Oh, I’ll just throw something to lay around the house in? Odd choice but nice clothes.

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Blair shows up to spark up an already controversial meeting after sending an email to Headmistress Queller. Oh fun!

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Serena confronts Dan, who continues to insist it isn’t true while judging for Serena for coming to a quick judgment, something he has never done in the past two seconds. Miss Carr is fired, and Blair has been admitted! Celebration for all! Until Gay Daddy Lex Luther overhears it was a lie that turned prophetic. He is disappointed in his daughter. Duh.

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Dan and Serena then break up again. Whatever. They share a brother! Yes, Dan, it’s OVER.

But don’t worry, Dan consoles himself by judging his father for voting to have Miss Carr in the very next scene!

S. takes Miss Carr the agenda back and apologizes for snapping the photo. Miss Carr returns the essay saying it was wonderful, having given new insight onto why someone might not like green eggs and ham. (Eggs should not be green, for one.) Miss Carr then kicks S. out. Also, what teacher salary would allow a first-year (non Teach for America) teacher to afford this apartment? I mean ANYWHERE. This is the flipping the Upper East Side!

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Gay Daddy Lex Luther lets Blair know how disappointing he is in her for lying and takes the bulldog and runs back to France, saying it’s more important what kind of person she is than what college she goes to.

They say every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

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And once something is set in motion, it can’t help but build momentum.

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(FYI, apparently Daddy WarBass was involved in some bad shit. Still refusing to acknowledge this stupid arc.)

And then there is this.

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Wait, Lily is Head of the Parents’ Council? WTF? Most of the time she is shocked to be reminded she has two children (and the one she gave up for adoption that died.)

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Serena calls to talk things over with Dan Dan while THIS is happening.

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One thing is certain on the Upper East Side: What goes around, comes around. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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