The Age of Dissonance. Episode 2×18.

Miss Carr and Dan did the NASTY (and I mean NASTY), Blair nearly got expelled for sending tips to Gossip Girl, and Vanessa wanted to do Eyes Wide Shut with Nate as his eyes were already shut tight. (Do you blame him?) What’s next on the Upper East Side?

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THE AGE OF INNOCENCE! I love how GG took a chance and did an episode told through a play about crusty old rich people being played by people who would be crusty old rich people in 50 years. Backstage and onstage, the drama is going to happen. And a lot of it! Who cares if we’ve never heard of the senior-class play before and it came out of nowhere (no talk, no rehearsals, nada nada nada). It’s awesome on a stick.

AND it looks like CARTER Baizen (Sebastian Stan) is back! Joy! He’s almost as fun drama-causing as Jack Bass or Georgina Sparks? (Where is Georgina? She *is* going to come back at some point, right?)

This episode was also the first after a weirdly placed winter-hiatus during February sweeps. If it gave them time to redo the story arcs, it worked as the best of the series is ahead!

Alas, Chuck got a doctor to diagnose him with “acute stage fright”, so no chances of a wardrobe malfunction or Blair hooking herself a bass on stage. Dammit. I suppose he’s still in that horrid storyline I am BlairWaldorfing into oblivion. It just didn’t exist. I took his Dauntless Candor Divergent serum to forget it and to block it out.

Gossip Girl then compares Edith Wharton to modern day Upper East Side. This is about right.

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Blair says the only thing wrong in her life is playing opposite Dan Humphrey and calls it downright “odious.” Dan would judge her if he heard this.

Serena is distracting herself with the fact that Dan dumped her for her Dr. Seuss professor Miss Car by having a crush on the director. Here we go folks. The Serena “I don’t need a guy omg Blair I love new guy of the week so much we had sex he left me I don’t need a guy omg Blair I…” cycle has officially begun. Blair doesn’t need a boyfriend to be fulfilled. Where is Chuck?

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Then Blair hears a scream. Our heroine NELLY YUKI has gotten an early acceptance into Yale OVER Blair! How dare she! And if you want to feel old, she got accepted into the class of 2013. I’m writing this in November 2014.

I like the director despite his bad French accent. He seems to hate Humphrey. A man of taste. This like shall be short lived though. Jenny has been hired to design the costumes, as it is a period piece and apparently The Age of Innocence is set in the age of horrible clothes with raccoon makeup.

Vanessa is making a documentary of the whole thing, and Nate acts like he actually read the book. I am betting it’s one of the versions they use rewritten on a kindergarten level to attempt to teach English as a Second Language. Otherwise…Vanessa is all about the metaphors. Here’s one. The sound of Miss Carr’s nails screeching across a blackboard reminds me of Vanessa’s presence on this show.

Chuck finds Carter Baizen on a date with the chick from the storyline I am ignoring. That is all I have to say about that. TeamChuckAndCarterShouldHookUpAndForgetThisStory.

Dan is concentrating on Miss Carr and not his lines. This can’t be good for the show but good for our amusement. He wants Jenny to be a go-between as the school only rehired Miss Carr on the basis she stays away from Dan Dan.  The note is all about how Dan judges the teachers for talking bad about Miss Carr as much as he judges her for having slept with him.

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Headmistress Queller informs Blair that it is true Yale rescinded her acceptance and Nelly Yuki did get in. Blair is like OMG, no they didn’t, and Queller is like “Look, bitch, I tried to explain to them that you paid your penance but you were a meaniehead to Miss Carr and Yale ain’t down with that.” This gives Blair MOTIVATION and UNDERSTANDING to get her claws into her character in the play. Also, not real dialogue. Also, really? Colleges do this?

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But don’t worry, Blair. When God closes a door, He opens a play.

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Rufus arrives for the dress rehearsal and finds the note Miss Carr (who presumably went to college before her Teach for America stint) and Dan are passing back and forth because Jenny is inept at everything, especially keeping secrets from Daddy. There was also a room key. Kinky, that Miss Carr.

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Blair accuses Nelly of informing Yale of her sins. Nelly is in a fat suit. This is funny. Nelly denies being the informant to Yale and tells Blair everyone hates her. Not true. Most fans are too busy hating either/or/and/both Vanessa and Jenny to hate Blair. Duh. Then everyone gets a GG blast alert. Blair’s ex Lord of Boring was diddling his royal wand in his stepmommy Duchess of Twin Peaks. Ugh, I don’t want to be reminded of that storyline!

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Serena tells Vanessa about her crush. She does have good taste, but his pretentiousness makes him not attractive.

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Blair then comes storming in, accusing Vanessa of sending the blast. Vanessa has no clue what she’s talking about, but Blair is mad that Serena is being nice to Vanessa. She warns Serena that she doesn’t want to be collateral damage in her vendetta on Vanessa. Uh oh.

Ohhh, the director hates Dan because Dan reminds him of him, as Julian Director is going on and on about his friend Scorsese saying that The Age of Innocence is more violent than any of his films and causing everyone but Vanessa to yawn. Vanessa tries to say Serena loooooooves Bette Davis films, and Serena struggles to figure out who that is. This is important because Vanessa admits it. “I’m totally annoying.” This is totally for the fans. Thank you, GG writers. Safran had to have been out with, checking my 2009 Disease That Will Kill Us All fact book, H191 that week.

Again, first year teacher’s salary in Manhattan. Almost as unbelievable as Serena being accepted into Yale or Nate actually having read The Age of Innocence.

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Rufus returns the key for Dan. How thoughtful.

Serena is having the director read lines with her. (She’s May by the way. I read the book after this episode but forget EVERYTHING.) Blake Lively is a good actress. Serena vd Woodsen is not. Anyway, Vanessa is giving S. the words to say to impress Julian the Hipster Director, who isn’t even trying a French accent, just a “No one ever sounded so weird” accent, through an ear piece. Ay, teens these days.

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Nate overhears Vanessa read Serena lines to impress a guy so pompous and full of himself in his Hipsterness that even Dan seems unhipster. He, of course, believes Vanessa could land said director. As if. She can only land people needing to hide homosexual relationships with Chuck Bass

S. then gets a Gossip Girl text alert. Gossip Girl has revealed to all that S. only got into Yale so they could put it in a press release. I still say Yale doesn’t give a flying eff about the whole thing.

Invent a B-plot here. I challenge you to not make it gay. Ok, go ahead and make it gay as that would be impossible.

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Look, Chuck! I’m Dauntless too!

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Blair: I’m an actress.
Serena: No, you’re a shameless bitch.

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Serena thinks Blair sent the blast as only she and Dan Dan know about Yale. Umm, I’m guessing it wasn’t Blair who told. Blair immediately figures out it was Lonely Boy.

Blair: Do you know how hard it is to get revenge when your enemy changes every five minutes?

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

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SHOWTIME!

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The director is now giving an intermission pep talk before Act II. Pretentious! You now understand exactly why Humphrey is the star. They are in labor! Being on stage is the same as being on the edge of a cliff! Also my BFF who is a critic for the New York Times blah blah blah blah blah pretentious.

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Nate’s playing a character who went bankrupt, yet the director dude thinks he can’t relate. How well he knows Nate.

Pretentious Director to Nate: You’re as empty as the Federal Reserve.

Damn, that’s a low yet true blow.

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Dan and Blair fight all during their scene about whether he’s to blame for the Gossip Girl blasts. This is supposed to be amusing. Instead, it is vomit inducing.

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Nate forgets his lines, so he has a hissyfit on stage. This causes Blair and then Serena  and then everyone else to start inventing their own lines to talk about how angry they are at each other and throw insults and shade all around. This is meant to be ENTERTAINING. And it is VERY entertaining. The New York Times critic seems to enjoy it as much as I do. Jenny then has to ruin it by pulling the curtain down and turning on the lights to end the show. Jenny always ruins EVERYTHING.

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Later, Pretentious Director takes the credit for the meltdown when the critic says he loved it. Serena says she is ashamed of having a crush on him. Of course, Pretentious Director Dude tells her he’s gay. I’m offended. He (along with Charles Manson!) can get married in New York and all the unpretentious gays in the flyover states cannot.

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Nate tells Vanessa he knows she likes the Pretentious Gay, and Vanessa is all “Umm, no I don’t. I was coaching Serena!” Nate says “Yes, but I have the IQ of a golden retriever, which is a very smart dog but still a dog. You are like into books with chapters, like Captain Underwear, and I can’t get past Dr. Seuss. WHY WON’T HE TRY THE GREEN EGGS AND HAM?” They then fight about tomatoes and whether they have had tomatoes or like tomatoes or something Nate was trying to make a metaphor with. He failed. And now I want to eat a tomato.

Dan has a public orgasm when he gets to judge Miss Carr, as it was SHE who called Yale, SHE who sent in blasts to Gossip Girl and SHE who forgot the condoms. We can all be thankful for that last one. Dan then tells Blair it was “Rachel” who did all of that.

Blair: Student sex in the costume closet. Is that what they call heartland values?

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Blair just lets Miss Carr off with a punishment of “live with it.” Meh. This is all plot point as they can’t even keep a character straight for three episodes, but if it gets her off the show quicker, I’m just going to go with it.

So many captions can be made with this text-screen shot. I need to make a GIF!

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Bankrupt Nate watches The Age of Innocence on his Macbook Pro and gets Vanessa back.

No Waffles for Rufus.

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He then invites Dan to join in on the ice cream.

Again, great ambiance.

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Serena tries to make amends, but Blair feels that getting kicked out of Yale before even starting is the karma she needs and wants to be alone to stir her martini.

In life as in art, some endings are bittersweet, especially when it comes to love.

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A note from Miss Carr, saying she went back to Iowa. Poor Iowa.

Sometimes fate throws two lovers together only to rip them apart.

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Don’t worry. Miss Blair is out. Mister Chuck is not going to hook up with Dorota. (If Safran instead of Jessica Queller wrote this episode, I’d be worried though.) He’ll wait for Miss Blair though.

Sometimes the hero finally makes the right choice, but the timing is all wrong.

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And as they say, timing is everything.

This is just because the two were hooking up at the time. Leighton Meester is happily wed to Seth Cohen now, folks!

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Looks like this story just might have a second act. Let’s hope it’s not a tragedy. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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