Remains of the J. Episode 2×20.

Last week, a bunch of boring stuff with Nate’s grandfather a VANDERBILT transpired that lead him back to Blair, perhaps, Serena slapped Dan (#TeamSerena), and Lily destroyed the entire Amazon rainforest by writing down the names of all her lovers. What’s next? From the episode description, barf bags for all. “S has just the gift for little J’s Sweet 16: A party with all of S’s stuffy socialite friends. Looks like no one is going to get what they want this year!” I’d like Jenny to murder Vanessa in a murder-suicide, and I don’t think I’ll be getting that!

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OMG! Georgina was in the recap of previously on for about one nanosecond! Do I dare hope she’s around? No? Just Poppy Lifton? Dammit!

Blair tells Serena she’s at home eating French toast with Dorota when she’s nearly hit by a car. Oops. She then hides from S. who is across the street buying pastries.

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Dan gets a fan letter. Jenny says what we’re all thinking, “Did you write it yourself?” If we’re starting with the Dan Love this early, I’m going to say it’s written by Safran’s Humphrey Boner. The Loser Sibs are sad that the Waffle Iron is cold as Lily is bringing breakfast. Wine for breakfast anyone? Dan, of course, judges. Vanessa arrives, worried that she hasn’t heard from Nate in a week after she left him alone at his party, then Nate e-mails her asking to hang out. The point of this was…?

Serena runs into Poppy Lifton, freshly tanned from a trip to Spain! FYI, Poppy, Costa Brava is in CATALUNYA, and you have offended all the Catalans by calling it SPAIN. Serena tells Poppy about her Sweet 16 party she’s planning for Jenny, and Poppy is all condescending, as she should be.

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I was wrong. I don’t remember the writer Sarah Frank-Meltzer, but she is better than Safran. That doesn’t take much.

Lily made breakfast! Not even attempting to hide the pregnancy now, are we?

 

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Chuck explains that he does his cardio in the evenings. Right. Jenny is not excited about the Sweet 16 party Serena and Lily have been planning. C’mon, if Lily is involved, there will be alcohol and probably strippers. Then Rufus says he’ll make chili and Dan suggests board games. Now this is Humphrey.

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Rufus reads Dan’s mail and finds out his request for financial aid has been DENIED. Rufus knows his son has been busy judging Yale for judging him on being the son of one of the Best Forgotten Bands of the 90’s Lead Singer, so he picks up his phone to make a call.

The Mean Girls are all-too happy that Serena is cancelling Little J’s party so everyone can go to Penelope’s. Serena calls Poppy. No good can come from someone with this ridiculous name.

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Oh, Vanessa.

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She sees Blair leaving Nate’s and Blair hugging Nate. There is leaning. Vanessa is jealous, then Chuck pulls up in his Limo. That e-mail was from Chuck. Nate’s password is “soccer” for anyone curious.

Chuck then lets Blair know he knows, and Blair says it’s platonic. Sparks fly off the screen, and after all the fans take a cold shower, we return to find Blair jealous that Nate hasn’t officially ended things with Vanessa.

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HERE WE GO!

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Lily takes a sip of wine before offering to pay Dan’s tuition at Yale. If Dan were around for this scene, there would be all kinds of judgment going on. Then Lily suggests selling the Brooklyn loft and moving in with her.

Blair uses Jennifer Aniston and her breakup with Brad (Still #TeamAniston a decade later) to get Nate to break up with Vanessa. He’s having dinner with Brooklyn Failure (instead of Brooklyn Folly, Brooklyn Failures. It’s not as funny when you have to explain it!) to discuss things. Blair suggests he just send her a text. Blair Waldorf, ahead of her time.

Serena and Poppy take Jenny shopping while Lady Gaga’s “Money Honey” plays on. Serena claims she’s in a rut, and Poppy actually uses the word “frenemy” to describe Blair. Tots correct. Serena calls the caterer back. The party is soooo on.

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Nate and Vanessa break up. The views shrug. Dorota comforts a nervous Blair before Nate arrives post breakup to kiss Blair on the forehead. Blair frets Chuck was right about there being no spark. (He tots is.)

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Party hearty Little J!

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Dan then intercepts a call from the realtor, and he judges his daddy for having a realtor.

Serena thinks Blair is seeing Nate to get back at Chuck, but then says Blair has no drama with Nate. Blair gets defensive.

We meet the doorguard at the van der Woodsen residence, Vanya. What a book he’s reading. He explains to Dan, who was judging (with reason for once), who said Dorota had given it to him as it is important to know the enemy. Well, well.

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SURPRISE!

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Dan had just told Jenny about the realtor call in the elevator…perfect timing to walk into not the party Jenny was hoping for! Even the Mean Girls have arrived, as Poppy Lifton is there!

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Nelly Yuki: Speaking of graves, did something die in that pot?

Jenny is all upset that people showed up at a party for her. She yells at Serena and finds her some gays, Eric and Jonathan.

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Jonathan: Nothing says Jenny Humphrey like a customized cocktail napkin.

Jenny then sends the party to Gossip Girl to strike back.

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Chuck dressed Vanessa, and she looks halfway decent for once. Vanessa says no, he cannot leak a Chuck-Vanessa sex tape. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

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Gossip Girl: Spotted, two people who should know better and two people who don’t know what hit them.

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EWWWW CHUCK AND VANESSA? It was just to make Short Shorts (Nair) jealous but still.

Poppy leaves when the party crashers from Gossip Girl show up to have sex in Serena’s bed among other things. She is soooo over high school parties. Serena then finds Dan playing the part of a hipster once again. (He’s so not playing.)

Blair tries to have sex with Nate, but he’s not too interested. Maybe Gossip Girl will go there and have Nate actually be gay, and they can have a storyline about how Vanessa turns heterosexual men gay.

The van der Woodsen house is trashed!

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Chuck, Blair and Vanessa strive to make each other jealous whereas Nate doesn’t give a damn.

While changing the sheets, Dan judges Serena for making the party about her being in a rut.

Look who’s home!

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Lily, clearly annoyed that she has to be a mother again, blames the party on Serena. Serena walks off in a huff saying it was Jenny, who then fesses up that it was indeed Little J. who posted the party on Gossip Girl. Jenny says she’s not ready to be a Park Avenue Princess, and Eric is shocked at the news that Lilyfus might move in together.

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Serena is complaining to Poppy about her life when Poppy suggests she catch a private jet to Spain. Serena is worried that she might be grounded but then remembered Lily would hate to be bothered to do something to mother. They lift their wine glasses to España!

Gossip Girl: Cuidado, España. Here comes el problema.

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This better lead to an awesome on-location shoot with Spanish hotties and Serena being told “que te jodes puta guiri Catalunya no es España” (Go eff yourself effing gringa, Catalunya is not Spain). Instead, we’ll probably be treated to a cater waiter at a seder or something lame.

Rufus says he’s not ready to move in with Lily, and Dan walks in overhearing something about him and Yale. He judges before finding out why. He then judges his family for not being needy enough, so Rufus tells him to go give the kid who wrote him a fan letter a call. Unrealistic shit happening again on Gossip Girl, Dan having a fan.

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Blair misses her friend Nate, so she feeds ducks with Dorota before she finds a surprise at the duck pond. Nate and Blair kiss, but I think Dorota is sort of Team Chuck.

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Serena’s all ready for España when Poppy’s boyfriend Gabriel, played by Armie Hammer, recognizes her from about a year ago when she was calling herself Savannah. S.’s past with Georgina is coming back to haunt her just in time for a super convoluted May sweeps storyline that makes absolutely no sense!

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Ohhh, turns out when Dan makes the call to a fan, it’s the adoptive parents of the supposedly dead SECRET LOVE CHILD. He has a name! Scott! The adoptive parents want to delete an incoming call now. I told you this would come back when the writers ran out of ideas.

Mistakes. We all make them. They usually start with the best of intentions, like keeping a secret to protect someone.

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Or getting some distance from the person you’ve become.

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Sometimes we don’t even know what mistakes we’ve made to get us where we are.

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Or we figure it out just in time to make it right again.

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But every mistake happens for a reason (the actors were boinking and the writers wanted to throw it in?).To teach us a lesson that we’d otherwise never learn.

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And hopefully, you never make that mistake again. Lucky for me, that never happens.  XOXO, Gossip Girl.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! I did make that mistake again by rewatching this episode! Why, oh why! My eyes! At least next week is that awesome awesome awesome episode that BETTER live up to memory!

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