Seder Anything. Episode 2×21.

It was Jenny’s party and she’ll cry if she wants to (you’d cry too if you were a Humphrey), Lily was annoyed that she had to be a parent, Chuck and Vanessa feel that sex neither one of them wants to brag about is the best way to make Nate and Blair jealous, and Serena ran off to Spain. Hmm, their economic crisis got really bad around the time Serena visited. Can we blame her?

Next week we shall start the Official Serena Man count. Dan is 1, Aaron Rose is 2, Pretentious Gay Director is 3…

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It’s here! One of my fave episodes! I swear, if it doesn’t live up to memory, I will cut a bitch and mock it relentlessly here. Who knew that cater waiters at seders were so entertaining?

Blair has another dream which can only be described as pre-transformation Eliza Doolitle asking for money for Yale from post-transformation Eliza Doolittle on a date with Nate. This is so good I have to rewatch. Can’t Blair have an evil cousin with a Cockney accent?

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I was asking who the hell and what the hell is this invitation for too. It’s an invite to Trip’s wedding. Yeah, this episode now sucks a lot more than I remember if Trip and the Vanderbilt gang are on.

vlcsnap-2014-12-02-17h37m50s238 Cyrus is preparing for a seder, but Blair has plans to be at the rehearsal dinner despite not being a part of Trip and Maureen’s wedding. Eleanor is concerned, but Blair is channeling her inner Jackie O’Nassis. Cyrus reveals he has a friend named JR. Last name Ewing? Inconceivable! Dallas was on CBS (and then TNT). Eleanor warns “Waldorf Women are NOT Socialites!”

Guess who’s back from Spain!

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I was sort of hopping that she would’ve been attacked for referring to Barcelona as Spain, not Catalunya. Chuck is eager to know all about the nude beaches as last night’s entertainment, a synchronized swimmer who can hold her breath for five minutes leaves for her walk of shame. Chuck also mentions that he saw Poppy at a restaurant last week instead of in Spain with S. Uh oh. There’s a story. I want to hear it.

Blah blah boring blah. Blair better NOT be sat next to Caroline Kennedy. Nate’s news is he got into Columbia. Maureen reveals that whatever social committee chose someone else instead of Blair.

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Jenny has a science partner who is just so boring he’ll fit in at the Humphrey’s. His mom has a job at a catering company so in order to tie in with the Spain theme (ie getting a job based on who you know despite lack of qualifications), Dan now has a job.

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Grandpa Vanderbilt asks Blair to talk to Nate so he’ll go to Yale…he’ll even get her into aforementioned social committee and a spot as a bridesmaid if she’ll talk to him.

Eleanor is mad at herself for giving Dorota the weekend off. Turns out Dorota’s having a torrid affair with that doorman Vanya. Cyrus receives a call from Serena. S. needs a lawyer.

SHE WAS CAUGHT TRAFFICKING SEX IN SPAIN!!! Or PRESUMED to be trafficking sex in Spain for her outfits! Damn commercial break and then other scenes. When will we find out what she did?

How convenient to hide a pregnancy. Shopping. Lily informs Rufus that all shopping will lead to shoe shopping. She’s probably right about that.

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Lily is FURIOUS. First S. trashed the apartment, then ran away to Spain. She grounds Serena!

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Blair is a Chosen One who has been wandering the Bassian desert and now has stumbled upon the Vanderbilt Promise Land. Actual line. Serena just wants to make sure Blair isn’t around to talk to Cyrus about the prostitution charges I’m betting.

Dan’s co-worker just met him and already is annoyed by him as we are. Dan judges ALL OF US.

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Eleanor thinks the new cater waiter looks familiar.

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Eleanor is super nervous as Cyrus’ mother hates her for not being Jewish. Dan doesn’t want to work as he doesn’t want to serve Blair, but when Eleanor says Blair won’t be there and offers to double the pay, he stays.

Nate’s going to Columbia no matter what Blair says. Plot point.

Serena is all bothered as she can’t tell her mom she sorta got married in Spain.

That’s right, folks. Serena wants a quickie annulment as SHE GOT MARRIED IN SPAIN!

AND GUESS WHO OVERHEARD?

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I just HAVE to share this video as words are not enough for the fabulous awesomeness of this scene. Dan gets to JUDGE Serena for NOT KNOWING IF SHE’S MARRIED. All she knows is it was in Spanish and she said “sí”. Poppy and Gabriel broke up, Gabriel and Serena get drunk, and Serena says “sí” in front of a priest. All I can say is:

LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOROTFLROTFLROTFLHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dan: How does one not know if one is married?….did you say I do?
Serena: I said “sí”.

Dan: You’re the wife of Atlanta gentry and I’m a cater waiter at a seder.

I just…there are NO WORDS for this AWESOMENESS of HOW IDIOTIC SERENA IS.

And now, guess who’s coming to dinner seder!

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Oh this is going to get GOOD. Lily brought Rufus there to network but Rufus doesn’t want to, and Dan doesn’t want Rufus to know he’s a cater waiter, so Serena says she invited him after Blair invited her, even though Blair is not there and trying to become a Vanderbilt. Yeah, if your head is spinning, just go with it.

Jenny decides on the Thimble when playing Monopoly with Science Guy at Lily’s penthouse when Chuck comes in to fornicate.

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Rufus discover that the 2009 Hipsters have declared Williamsburg over. Oh, Rufus. Brooklyn was over before the US declared itself independent from England.

Nate makes a speech about how Grandpa got his father investigated by the FBI and warns Trip to watch his back. Blair hitched her ride to a falling star, according to Gossip Girl.

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Back at the Seder, Serena’s new HUSBAND shows up.

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Gabriel: I called your apartment. The guy who answered said you’d probably be here. He also asked if you had any hash.

Serena tells Gabriel that Dan is her boyfriend, making things even MORE complicated. Dan judges Serena for not ever mentioning him to Gabriel. Eleanor sees Gabriel and invites him to take Elijah’s seat as this seder is going to start hell or high water and Dan is going to lose his tip! They then play “Right ‘Round” by Flo-Rid-A f. Ke$ha for this blessed event.

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Grandpa warns Blair she has five minutes to make things right, or ELSE. Flo-Rid-A and Ke$ha continue to serenade us. Why whatever do the producers want to SAY with this music?

The song continues through the seder in which Serena makes Dan sit in Elijah’s seat, Eleanor is hungry, Lily gets mad that Serena is back with Dan, and Serena is drinking the wine before its time. She is her mother’s daughter.

Chuck accidentally sleeps with someone he slept with before (who is not named Blair.)

Hey, the BEST part of this episode is Vanessa isn’t even mentioned, except for a BoHo Barista mistake slide at the beginning.

The writers then SHOCK us by remembering that Chuck nearly rapped Jenny at the Kiss-on-the-Lips party the previous year. They DEAL with this.

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Blair chooses Nate over Blackmailing Bribing Grandpa, who says he begged Captain Liar Liar Pants on Fire to stop before calling the SEC on Captain A$$ in Jail. Nate and Grandpa agree on a Truth Pact, right before Grandpa decides to tell Nate about the deal he had with Blair. Uh oh.

It’s kind of hard to conduct a seder when Lily is trying to get Rufus an art deal, Eleanor is whining that she’s hungry and Gabriel is wondering why no one knows Dan Dan and Serena are back together. Serena shushes them all. There is praying about to happen, folks.

Dan fesses up to being a cater waiter . We all judge. Tit for tat.

Nate confronts Blair about whether she made a deal to talk him into Yale to be a bridesmaid. Blair tries to defend herself. He leaves her with a limo. Where’s that Bass when you need him?

Lily: You throw in a few boys from the lacrosse team and it’s the Constance Mother-Daughter Luncheon all over again.

Wait, is she referring to Serena or HERSELF? We’ve seen the list, Lil.

Lily then tells Serena she got into Brown. Umm…Lily is opening her daughter’s mail? Is Serena 18? Is that legal? Serena runs off to catch up with Gabriel, who reveals that Serena did NOT, I repeat, did NOT marry him, clearing up a situation.

I demand proof they are not married. I’ve seen this too many times on General Hospital to know that people are not dead if there is no body and people’s marriages are legal until you see divorce papers, no matter how many other husbands you go through Carly Roberts Quatermaine Corinthos whatever she is today! (Serena is way classier than Carly by the way. Even Lily is classier. Even VANESSA is classier!)

A knock at Chuck’s door, a “I’m not in the mood” but…it’s Nate. The bromance is finally back on. They talk about Blair like grownups. Chuck laments the fact that Blair chose Nate over him, which inspires Nate to go get Blair back…after a roll in the hay with Chuck, I’m sure.

If anyone cares, Rufus sold a painting and has decided to sell the art gallery. I was right, no one cared.

I may mock Chuck and Nate, but do heterosexual girls often do this?

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Chuck finds himself alone. Nate took off?

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He then runs into Jenny loafing around an apartment that isn’t hers (yet) and apologizes for the attempted rape the previous years, telling her he’ll move out if she moves in.

Blair apologizes to Cyrus for being a snotty brat and then grovels for him to make the call to NYU so she can get an interview. Nate then says “Looks like we’ll both be in the city.”

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Serena calls Gabriel to say she wants to see what’s in the future for them.

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On Passover we ask why is it that this night is any different from any other night? But who are kidding?

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Tonight’s no different from the rest. These things always happen around here. Shalom, Gossip Girl

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Uh oh…Gabriel and Poppy are working together to do what exactly?

Next week…can I spoil? Can I spoil? This was the first part of the three-part trilogy of best episodes ever. All I can say is…”Chuck Bass, have you been saved too?”

You know you love me XOXO.

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