Serena came back from Spain unsure if she’s married (she’s not), Blair dealt with Nate’s Evil Grandfather, Chuck and Jenny worked through their issues, and there was a seder with Dan as the cater waiter. This week…Chuck Bass might get saved.
Serena Boyfriend Count: 5 (I’m going to include Nate as there were flashbacks last season).
This episode has perhaps the best plot twist ever in the history of television for anyone with a sense of humor about the whole thing. If you’re reading this, chances are, you have a sense of humor. I mean…is Gossip Girl meant to be taken seriously?
Blair finds herself in the Village walking around NYU, worried about “ironic facial hair.” He’s showing her the highlights of the Village, like the best latte, the best pot dealer, and he’s going to show her how to use the subway. Columbia and NYU are worlds apart, like the Upper East Side and the Upper West Side. Don’t even get me started! “Rats go underground, not Waldorfs,” Blair will later explain to Serena.
Blair: I’m not going down there. It’s full of molemen and middle-class professionals.
God help ups all. The Humphrey’s are antiquing as Rufus is selling the gallery for three times the price he paid for it. Jenny hope he takes cooking classes as she’s tired of his waffles. He’s her father! Don’t make that into a euphemism! They see that Rufus is looking at rings for Lily. Uh oh. Is he going to put it in her 2 o’clock bottle of wine?
UH OH! LOOK WHO IS IN THE CREDITS! THE KEY TO AWESOME!
Blair is all inquisitive about S.’s no-strings attached relationship with Gabriel. Blair wants to follow him to see where the mystery southern gentleman goes when he’s supposedly in meetings for his new business. Serena is not down with wearing a disguise. Her future lovers may be disappointed.
Chuck to Nate: You suck more than usual today.
I’m not even going there. They’re playing basketball. I thought Nate was into European footballers. They talk about Blair like adults and Chuck is totally okay with his BFF dating Blair. Really. He is. He’s playing basketball.
Gabriel impresses Rufus and Lily with a plan to provide “wireless Internet” to developing countries. Is this wifi? His family wants him to continue with the tobacco plantation though. Lily, the mother who can’t be bothered with remembering she gave birth to not one but two children, says “family is important” before getting miffed that someone ordered the wrong wine. Gabriel runs away to his meeting.
Chuck catches Blair spying on Gabriel. Blair wants to catch where Gabriel is poofing to. Actual dialogue. They then see Gabriel get into a limo with Poppy. Blair snaps a photo and nearly falls into Chuck’s limo with the Bass.
Gabriel makes up an excuse about the night before, and Blair fesses up to seeing Chuck, glad that she and Nate have an adult relationship blah blah blah. Gabriel says Poppy is blackmailing him. Riiiiiight. Gabriel wants to sell wifi to the Africans! He has to stay with Poppy for it! It’s time for the annual May sweeps convoluted that makes absolutely no sense at all storyline folks.
Dan’s reading these blogs! Vanessa mocks him on his cater waiter outfit and Dan judges her on her outfit. Who can blame him? But Vanessa, even DAN can see your clothes are fugly.
Speaking of the badly dressed, in comes Jenny.
They tell Vanessa that Rufus is looking at rings, stopping Vanessa from telling Dan she got Chuck to sleep with her. (I’d say Chuck slept with her, but he is the one obviously lowering himself for her.)
Serena fesses up that she first met Gabriel whilst out and about with Georgina..
Blair: He fell in love with you while you were roofied. How romantic!
Blair just doesn’t trust Gabriel.
Rufus can’t find a buyer for the gallery and cries to Vanessa. He says he may sell the back catalog of Lincoln Hawk. Egads!
Nate finds an apartment halfway between Columbia and NYU to spend more time with Blair and so Chuck knows that Short Shorts (Nair) are serious like a Vanessa fashion atrocity. Nate tells Chuck to leave Blair alone. The BFFs not so FF but will probably be FB (fuck buddies) again soon. Blair chooses that moment to call Chuck to tell him about North Carolina lying. Chuck agrees to help Blair out on one last mission, to save Serena and bring Poppy and Gabriel down.
Nate’s not going to like that.
They just kind of stopped trying to hide Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy all together, huh?
Lily is excited for the WINE by the way!
Chuck and Blair conspire to bring Poppy and Gabriel together at Lily’s wine shindig. Poppy gives Gabriel the ultimatum. Either he leaves with her or she calls all her contacts to tell them to take their money back and the kids in Africa will stay without wifi. Gabriel calls her bluff and dumps Poppy.
Dan and Vanessa are going to play “I Never!” This is her way of fessing up to boinking Chuck Bass. Dan agrees it is repulsive as he thought Chuck had standards. He says “no judgement” just as he’s judging her for being hooked by a Bass. Dan then fesses up to almost-sleeping with Georgina, suddenly reminding the audience of this name in case they didn’t see Michelle Trachtenberg in the credits. The writers are not subtle.
Jenny gives Rufus a pep talk. The audience who can’t hold it in until the commercial break take a pee break and miss nothing.
Serena encourages Gabriel to talk to the people at Lily’s Wine Party Co-Op party so the kids in Africa can send in posts to Gossip Girl. Riiiight. “Mamakoh gave ebola to Yaema in a three-way with Ismael!” Chuck and his martini uses this chance to ask Gabriel about how he met Serena in that night with Georgina.
Chuck then catches Nate tell Blair about the apartment. Chuck then says that Gabriel met Serena the night before the SAT’s which doesn’t add up to the night Serena was roofied, and Nate wants to take Blair to watch Netflix. What will Blair ever do?
Lily exchanges her wine for a martini, eager to invest in Wireless Internet for Africa.
Blair chose derail Serena and Gabriel. Blair knows Butter was closed that night as she used their bartender for the derail Nelly Yuki’s SAT sabotage party. I remember that party! I also remember mocking “Butter”! Serena is mad and tells the both of them to get lives and runs away to play with Gabriel. Chuck realizes there is only one person who knows what happened. Uh oh.
Caption this! And PLEASE, JUDGE. Karma won’t get you for judging a judger!
Vanessa told him all about how Dan won’t be going to Yale. Hahahaha. He judges, of course, and judges me for laughing. Whatevs. He goes on to judge the recession and a “certain imbecile former president.” Ah, 2009, when things were still Bush’s fault instead of Obama’s fault. (I still blame Bush for giving Obama a crap hand and a Republican House and now Senate but this blog can be considered liberal elite media! Dan is judging me for it already!)
Gabriel is getting a TON of investors, including RUFUS! Gabriel tries to turn him down but Rufus wants to just give his money away!
Blair invites Nate to take a limo with her and Chuck. Nate shockingly turns it down. I guess that’s too kinky for his blood. He says he trusts Blair with Chuck. Chuck then makes a call. Turns out Georgina’s NOT home in Connecticut BUT a place with visiting hours. Georgina’s in jail? This surprises no one. They take off to see the “Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side.”
Chuck and Blair fell asleep in the limo. For real. No sex. They were holding hands though when they wake them up to say visiting hours have begun. Blair laments having to see her sworn enemy with “Nancy Pelosi” hair.
Chuck decides it would be better to see Georgina alone as Georgina and Blair hate each other. Blair accuses him of arranging it so she couldn’t spend time with Nate.
Georgina: Chuck Bass! Have you been saved too?
Serena got lucky. Gabriel realizes he might be getting caught in his lies.
Georgina is preparing a passion play and invites Chuck to stay to make paper-mache apostles. See, at boot camp, she found Jesus and told him all her sins (Chuck says “that must’ve been a long talk”), having redeemed herself by working at a Christian camp. BEST PLOT TWIST EVER. Georgina says they did NOT go to Butter the night Gabriel says they did, as roofied Serena was watching The Hills and drooling on Georgina’s shoulder.
THE PLOT THICKENS.
So not over. Poppy planned the fake break up, and Serena knows Gabriel is lying! S. calls Chuck in tears.
Also, just ironic, don’t you think? Did it rain on Serena’s fake wedding day to Gabriel, too?
Too bad Blair took off in Chuck’s limo, stranding him at Jesus Camp.
Gabriel: What the hell is Butter?
Poppy and Gabriel try to clean up the hotel room fast as Serena’s coming, but it’s too late. There’s a knock on the door!.
Except it’s Rufus, delivering the check in person. This ain’t going to end well for the Humphrey’s of Brooklyn!
Blair goes back to Nate.
Nice view, Nate!
However, Blair is concerned about why Nate bought her the apartment and asked her to move in with him, realizing he did it partly to make sure she went with him and not Chuck.
Serena calls Chuck from Gabriel’s empty hotel room, right before Poppy comes in, saying Gabriel took off with half a million dollars. I’m not even going to try to keep track of this storyline. I didn’t understand it then, and 5.5 years later, I still don’t.
Dan and Jenny bought the ring to give to Rufus to give to Lily. Rufus says he’ll pay them back as he’s invested in Wifi for Africans!
This woman dated Sarkozy and Trent Reznor and that’s the ring you want to give to her? Umm…ok.
When Georgina hears that Blair took off with the limo, she wants to take the taxi back to New York with Chuck. Uh oh. This can’t be good. Can newly converted Georgina truly forgive Blair?
Oh dear queen, heed the words of a king. Look like an angel, talk like an angel, the devil in disguise. XOXO, Gossip Girl.
If you’re interested in the video of The Key’s return, here it is. Enjoy!