Georgina is back, having converted to Christianity in her time at boot camp. Serena realized that Gabriel was scamming everyone, including Rufus, so thank God she didn’t accidentally marry him in Spain. And Nate bought Blair an apartment so she wouldn’t have to take the SUBWAY.
Serena Boyfriend Count: 5
This episode ends with the best quote ever. Fair warning.
Chuck is a bit miffed that the taxi back from Jesus Camp is without glasses for his flask, and he neglects to tell Serena he’s bringing back a friend (Georgina, the one he gave his flower to in the sixth grade). He offers Georgina a drink.
Georgina: The Lord cannot enter a body sullied by alcohol.
Chuck: Good, because I like to be the one doing the entering.
Serena walks in to talk to Mother Lily, who is asking to double check there are two cases of champagne. Lily likes the rich stuff now.
Lily gives Serena a bracelet owned by her great-grandmother (Cece’s mommy? Scary.) to reward S. for getting into Brown and making it to graduation.
Photographic evidence right there that Lily gave it to Serena.
Blair is still wearing the yellow coat, insisting that Serena really does need her and she’s not just avoiding talking to Nate.
Rufus is too happy! He doesn’t know Gabriel took off with his investment to provide wifi to Africa. He’s going to propose to Lily! OMGz! He still has to get permission from Eric first, as you should always consult with gay teens about the rings you’re going to give to their mother I guess.
Blair brings tag along Nate to comfort Serena about Gabriel taking off with everyone’s money. Chuck and Georgina show up as Georgina wants to forgive Blair for sending her off to boot camp in the first place. Serena calls to fake a pregnancy scare to get Gabriel to come back, as men who take off with money ALWAYS come back if the tramp they’re screwing might be pregnant, you know. Chuck calls her out on her stupidity, then calls her out again when she hasn’t called the police. Dan shows up to talk Serena into going to brunch, having missed Georgina in the living room.
Georgina then makes her entrance.
Everyone fights, Gabriel calls back, and it goes to commercial.
Serena fesses up to Gabriel that she was faking a pregnancy and she wants to give him the opportunity to return the money. My God, this stupidity is usually only seen by Vanessa or Jenny. Is Serena still drinking that Rioja? Chuck shows up and gives an ultimatum that makes sense. Give the money back or they’ll hand him over to the feds. Thank you, Chuck! Gabriel says he doesn’t have the money, Poppy does. The plot thickens and makes less sense.
Dan tells Lily he’s judging Serena for not saying anything, almost as much as we judge the producers for thinking they are hiding Kelly Rutherford’s pregnancy. He tells Lily Gabriel took off with the money, judging Gabriel, and Lily says he did the right thing and she’ll take care of it after her 11:38 glass of wine.
Lily: We don’t need to make this any more complicated than it already is.
Tell it to the writers, Lil. They’re in over their head.
Gabriel blah blah blahs an explanation that Poppy conned him, and Chuck laments no wifi for Africa. Chuck calls a spade a spade and a Ponzi scheme a Ponzi scheme. Gabriel says to look for Poppy.
Blair is afraid to be alone with Georgina and feels Georgina is faking being a Jesus Freak. Georgina says she just wants Blair’s forgiveness. Serena realizes that Poppy doesn’t know Georgina and decides Georgina would be perfect to get the money back from Poppy. Again, the NYPD or FBI or whoever would be much better than this, but c’mon! We have SERENA! Who needs them? The audience collectively rolls their eyes and hope that Georgina’s God is doing them a favour by at least having Vanessa not be on this week.
Lily tells Serena she is NOT happy she has to be a mother again and that all anyone will think of when they hear the name Serena van der Woodsen is money scammer. Nah, I bet they still think floozy. At least I do and the show ended two years ago. Lily’s going to pay everyone back quietly to protect Serena. As that is another great plan. Are the Saved by the Bell writers writing this week?
Eric approves of the ring but warns Rufus to proceed carefully, as she’s been married four times. Rufus says he’s ready for the bumpy Rhodes Van der Woodsen Bass etc ride. Apparently Klaus and Claus respectively did it on a blimp and pyramid. Just go with wine, Rufus. Lily loves her wine.
Blair tries to style Georgina to steal the money back, but “Jesus loves her as she is”.
Blair: Think of the fun you used to have, pretending to be Sarah and Svetlana, slipping people roofies, outing them to their unexpecting parents at dinner….
Georgina: I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel.
Blair: That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice!
Blair convinces Georgina that God wants her to get revenge on Poppy and help them in their scheme, stating that “if you tore out all the pages in the Bible about revenge, there wouldn’t be enough paper for a pamphlet.” S. calls B., saying mommy Lily wants the plan called off, but Blair is miffed. “Poppy is so evil she makes the old Georgina look like the new Georgina!”
Guess who is coming for tea!
Poppy is now claiming Gabriel is scamming her and leaving for Miami. Lily claims the adult thing to do is allow Poppy to take off with everyone’s money. I am not even going to touch that one with a 9-foot pole.
LILY IS AN IDIOT! I see where Serena gets it from.
Dan gets a call to take a message for Rufus saying the deal went through. Ok…
Blair has dressed Georgina ready to get REVENGE!
Chuck gives Sherrilyn or whatever Georgina’s new name is his seal of approval. Nate, for once being the most intelligent one in the group, asks why can’t they just call the cops? Serena protests that her idea is so much better than mommy’s idea! They’re going to record the conversation and blackmail Poppy into returning the money. *headsmack* Dan judges Serena and everyone on this horrid plan.
Jenny continues to give Rufus pep talks about the proposal. Awkward.
Nate chooses this moment to confront Chuck about Chuck’s intentions toward his girlfriend, Blair, and to remind him that it was him, Nate, who should be the object of Chuck’s Big Bass. Nate then says if Chuck wants Blair to tell Blair but Nate wants her too. Why not just have a threeway?
Jenny has been telling Lily all about Twilight. The thing is, I totally buy Jenny being the only one on this show who knows what Twilight is. Lily pretends to care when she gets a call from Dan judging Rufus for getting dividends and Serena going away with whatever plan she is. Lily says she put Rufus’ money in a mutual fund. Serena hangs up on Mommy trying to tell her to stop the plan.
This is stupid.
Rufus then finds the list of investors and how they’ve been repaid. This is not going to end well. And again, stupid.
Poppy shows up at the Russian Tea Room to converse with Sherilyn I mean Georgina.
Georgina is a Charlotte! She wants to know if Poppy is a Carrie. Eh…Serena is a Charlotte crossed with a Samantha! Someone who says she loves every guy she meets so she can feel better about shagging them! Poppy is whatever.
Blair tells Chuck that she can’t tell Nate an answer about moving in with him until Chuck gives an answer about what he wants from Blair. Blair says if what Chuck feels is real she’ll go for it, but if not to let her go.
He says it’s just a game. BLOODY HELL. She’s free to go to Nate. ARGH ARGH ARGH WHY MUST TH WRITERS TORTURE US? Chuck tells Serena he did it because he loved her but can’t make her happy. Grrrrr.
Georgina wants the kids in Africa to have wifi so they can download Kirk Cameron movies.
I’m just going to let that actual line sit for a while and fester.
Georgina *also* wants to invest in Project Africa Wifi! Cheers! Poppy refuses to wait for a wire transfer and Georgina has a lot of cash. Blair sends her a text, and the incoming text tone is set to “Praise the Lord.”
Georgina hands over the cash.
The police show up and arrest….SERENA!!! Poppy absconds with the money and hits the road.
Blair goes off on Georgina, accusing her of faking her love for Jesus to get Serena arrested. Georgina is worried as all that cash was the camp’s Bible money. Oh noes! Blair storms off, stating that neither she nor God will forgive her for what she’s done. Georgina continues to insist on her innocence.
Rufus confronts Lily about the investors and mad his money was transferred to a sound investment that would make him actual money. How dare she!
Serena is at the police station. It turns out World’s Best Mother Lily Bass had Serena arrested for stealing the bracelet. Lily wants to teach Serena a lesson!
Lily Bass, Mother of the Millenium
Rufus says Lily is turning into her mother and doesn’t bother proposing to her.
Nate’s annoyed that Blair called Chuck, and Blair says she’s doesn’t want to move in with Nate. They agree it’s not the best time. Blair says Nate should ask her to PROM.
The phone rings.
It’s Georgina, sounding more like herself than ever. You don’t take her Bible money OR ELSE.
Blair: I don’t think Jesus would approve of that.
Georgina: Well, you can tell Jesus that the Bitch is back.
Oh no. We told you no good would come from spinning a wicked web.
You just get all tangled up in your own lies.
Rufus asks the kids to turn the ring for him.
And the more you twist, the tighter the trap.
Until your locked in a prison of your own making.Smile for the camera, S. XOXO, Gossip Girl
And with that, the show has officially peaked, and it’s all downhill from here into a dairing pile of horse manure.