The Goodbye Gossip Girl. Episode 2×25

Last week was a total waste of time as it was a failed backdoor pilot for a show about Lily in the 80’s, and it was also PROM, which was more an afterthought. Now it’s time for the Season 2 Season Finale. What’s going to happen to our gang? Will Georgina get her Bible money back? Did Blair ever tell Jesus that the Bitch is Back? (Wait, if Jesus is the Son of God, wouldn’t he already know?) Or was Blair too busy breaking up with Nate to relay the message? Let’s find out!

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It’s graduation time on the Upper East Side, and as Gossip Girl herself says, who needs “Pomp and Circumstance” when you’ve got paparazzi? Serena is ready to end high school as she figures it’ll end her reign as Gossip Girl’s #1 target. She was the very first blast on the Gossip Girl site back in 9th grade when she wore a white dress on a rainy day. Serena is just excited as Gossip Girl doesn’t do college, yo.

Blair doesn’t care that Chuck told Serena that he loved Blair. Serena says they do NOT stay up braiding each other’s hair, which is news to me. Blair and Serena then greet the paparazzi outside.

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Vanessa is stalking the Vanderbilts with her camera and finds Nate. They make nice now that he’s broken up with Blair. Turns out Vanessa’s going to NYU after backpacking through Europe. Greeeeeat. They couldn’t just send her away to college in Timbuktu, now, could they?

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The Mean Girls want to know if Jenny wants to be considered for Queen Bee just as Jenny was celebrating no more Mean Girls. Seriously.  Jenny and that hair? Serena getting accepted into Yale is no longer the most unrealistic thing about this show. Blair is angry that her minions did not coordinate their headbands and reminds them SHE will choose the new Queen. Jenny’s competition is that girl Blair spent the night trying to save the virginity of several episodes back. Whoever brings the best gossip to the Mean Girls wins. Whatev.

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Turns out the graduation program forgot to include Daniel Humphrey. I laugh. He judges the people who wrote the program and me and everyone else who laughed. Congrats, Don!

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Blair finds Chuck and just can’t find the words to tell him that she’s free of Nate so they can f***.

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And then Cyrus tells Rufus and Lily they should get married. Will Husband #5 be the one that takes? Ruly bicker as they are broken up again.

It’s a 2009 selfie with the Mean Girls!

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In in the middle of Headmistress Queller’s boring speech, Gossip Girl sends out a blast to give out her superlatives.

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Class Whore surprisingly doesn’t go to Serena but to Nate Archibald.

Dan Humphrey: The Ultimate Insider

Chuck Bass: Coward

Blair Waldorf: Weakling

Serena van der Woodsen: Officially irrelevant.

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Serena vows to take Gossip Girl down. The Mean Girls refuse to help as Gossip Girl didn’t say anything about them, not even Penelope! Dan doesn’t want to help as he’s just ready to move on with his life and he judges Serena for wanting to take down Gossip Girl. You didn’t think he wasn’t going to judge now did you?

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Nate comes clean about being paid by the Duchess of Twin Peak for sex to Grandpa Vandy. Grandpa Vandy will deal with it. Nate then comes clean about breaking up with Blair to Chuck.

Oh Vanessa. Just no.

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The Fab Four of the show deduce that Gossip Girl must be a senior. Chuck, using his 2009 Facebook App, suggests Nelly Yuki.

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Serena decides to send a tip to Gossip Girl since she is most definitely in the room. Chuck quiets the room, and the tip causes ONE phone to ring.

Gossip Girl is….drum roll…..ERIC’S BOYFRIEND JONATHAN! Dunh dunh dunh commercial break.

Or not. Turns out Jonathan hacked into Gossip Girl to receive all her email but has no clue who she actually is. Darn. Jenny goes through the emails trying to find a good piece of gossip to win Queen Bee. I thought Blair said SHE decided, not the Mean Girls…

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Lily decided on beer instead of wine. This episode was written by Safran so we all know he couldn’t follow the plot of The Cat in the Hat, which explains the total lack of characterization for Lily. Lily drinks WINE, dude. She also raided Chuck’s room for some illegal substances to get high with Rufus with to win him back. Oh Lily.

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Eleanor is tots Team Chuck!

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Nelly Yuki is DRUNK and nearly tells Dan she loves him!

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Apparently the gossip Little J. found was what happened on New Year’s with Blair. Blair scoffs at what Jenny might know and runs to find Chuck, so Jenny takes her information to the Mean Girls.

Blair starts performing a strip show for Chuck and NEARLY gets him to tell her he loves her when there’s another Gossip Girl blast.

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Uh oh, Gossip Girl is going to tell the truth about EVERYONE because Serena’s trying to find out who Gossip Girl is.

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Dan and Miss Carr, the almost Nate and Jenny, Dan was in jail, Blair apparently hooked up with Jack, Chuck spent some time in Brooklyn, metaphorically speaking, of course.

Oh Serena! This is YOUR fault. Now Chuck and Blair are fighting, and Blair calls Vanessa the “Dreads of Dumbo”. #TeamBlair. Serena tries to convince that everyone fighting is what Gossip Girl wants, but Blair blames Serena. Everyone walks off, and Nelly Yuki is mad that Dan doesn’t ever notice her.

Blair finds Chuck and tells them that he’s just using her sleeping with Jack as an excuse not to tell her that he loves her when he tells everyone else (Nate, Serena, the cast of Wicked…) She finally reveals what those three words, eight letters are.

“Chuck Bass, I love you”.

*Not* Safran sucks ass. Color me surprised.

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Chuck walks away, saying he no longer loves her.

DAMN THOSE MOTHERCHUCKERS INDEED.

A drunk and high Rufus asks a drunk and high Lily to let him be her fifth husband, and she says yes. He uses this as the ring. Romantic or disturbing? You be the judge. Actually, no. Dan already beat you to it.

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Serena decides to text Gossip Girl a message saying to meet her in an hour or she tells the world who Gossip Girl is…despite having absolutely no clue who Gossip Girl is. Oh Serena, your hair color is showing through.

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Caption This!

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Blair tells Jenny she chooses Jenny as the next queen, saying not to fall in love with boys but with the power and she has to be cold to be queen. I’m still not buying Jenny as Queen Bee, sorry.

Serena and Nate are waiting for Gossip Girl to show her face. She’s a no-show, but in walks Humphrey. He judges the two for thinking that Gossip Girl would show up. Serena doesn’t want to be irrelevant, but Dan judges her for being Serena vd Woodsen before saying she’ll never be irrelevant. Next, Blair and Jenny walk through the door, and Nate believes the two of them to be Gossip Girl as a team. Half the high school shows up, and Gossip Girl says everyone is Gossip Girl as they send in the tips. She says to thank her for giving them all a clean slate until college.

No one says thank you, for the record.

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Serena buys everyone a round before making up with Blair.

As it’s just not a season finale without the….

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Lily shows off her new ring

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As Eric unpacks the waffle iron.

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Serena is packing for a trip to Europe as Blair tries to ignore the fact Gossip Girl has spotted Chuck in France, Germany and Italy. Blair gives S. a gift she just LOVES! (And not herpes!)

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After the deputy mayor hit on Nate, Nate decides to go backpacking in Europe with Vanessa. Aww yeah right. Vanessa said she’s going with this guy who can’t even remember her name.

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Remember that face, folks. He introduces himself to Dan. Scott. Creepy. Vanessa relents and allows Nate to go with her.

Just as Emma is about to be coronated Queen, Blair shows up and steals the tiara to give to Jenny just as Gossip Girl sends out a new blast with all the secrets Jenny had.

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This Scott guy is telling his parents he’s in Portland as he peruses articles about Rufus and Lily. Again, creepy.

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Dan gets a call from a hidden number. It’s GEORGINA. Everyone has the money back and Poppy’s been taken care of, but no one knows how. (Typical Safran.) Georgina is happy that he’s going to NYU as she arranges to be Blair’s roommate in the dorms! Fun! (Wait, Blair is going to stay in the dorms?)

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Carter shows up, back from Santorini and Dubai with the information Serena needed. He found her father.

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Chuck is back from Paris, where he picked up Blair’s favorite macaroons and Germany, where he picked up her favorite stockings, to say those three words back to her.

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“I love you too.”

It’s about damn time.

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XOXO, Gossip Girl

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