Reversals of Fortune. Episode 3×01.

After a long hiatus, the gang on the Upper East Side are BACK, and so am I! Season 3 is where the shit hit the fan with this show (Josh Safran took over the reigns as Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage were busy with 3928390283 other projects and Gossip Girl was their red-headed homosexual step child in Indiana. The cast had decided they’d rather be making movies and music and started phoning it in. There are still some great moments, but there are a ton of bad moments before The Couple That Must Not Be Named happens in Season 4 and the show never recovered.

Anywho, we last left the gang at their high school graduation. Dan was the Ultimate Insider and Serena was Irrelevant, so she took off with Carter Bazien to find her father and slut around Europe (whores get paid). Chuck and Blair finally said “I Love You” and decided to go for a relationship. We the fans want this to end well, but I mean, it’s Chuck and Blair. They’re going to be fighting.

And I will tease my audience just like the CW teased the Gossip Girl audience: There will be a threesome.

“But now I share a sibling with my boyfriend.”

Oh yeah, Lily sort of had Rufus’ secret love child 20 or so years ago and never told him. Ooops.

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Spotted: Chuck flirting with girls not named Blair. Ugh.

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Jenny thinks she’s Serena. She apparently has made Serena a promise to keep something from Judgy Judgerson.

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Serena has taken a vow of a month of silence (off screen)! Dan judges this and then Serena for being Serena and unable to do this.

Spotted: Nate is making out with Cheyenne from Reba who is now a brunette! Turns out Cheyenne also changed her named to Bree Buckley and is the daughter of the rival political family of the Vanderbilt/Archibald clan. Oh silly Gossip Girl, thinking anyone  in your fanbase would be interested in a political plot. (Hell, I love Veep and The Newsroom and am not interested in a political plot on this show.)

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Blair is not going to like this. Chuck is macking on Ashley Hinshaw playing herself! I have no clue who she is. Blair walks in and tells Miss Hinshaw to take her “American Girl hair and poreless skin” and get out! Turns out the whole thing is part of a Chuck and Blair (Chair) sexual game that turns them on. Kids these days.

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Little J. is relieved to know that Eric will be getting Chuck’s old room and not her as the Humphrey Bunch move in with the BassderWoodsen bunch. Dan sees a drunken photo (what other kind are there) of Serena and judges. He then judges himself for ditching Vanessa and New Guy (Secret Love Child shh) to see Serena arrive.

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Serena is back in town with the PAPARAZZI following her!

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For those of you worried that living on the UES would change the Humphreys, they are still having the same breakfast they always do.

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The HumphreyBassderWoodsen clans are so enthralled Lily got them tickets to the Vanderbilt polo match. Serena uses the polo match as an excuse to go shopping with Blair and apologises for the paparazzi. Dan confronts her, using the opportunity to judge her for lying about her Eat Pray Love summer when she was drunk and slutting her way across Europe. He has photographic Internet evidence, as nothing has ever been Photoshopped on the Internet. (I’m a Mariah fan. This statement is FACT. No one EVER Photoshops on the Internet.) However, photos of Serena drunk and slutting her way across Europe are NOT Photoshopped. If it were a third-world country without maids and drivers, YES. Europe? No.

Chuck and Nate catch up, and Chuck suggests to Nate that “sleeping with the enemy is hot” so Nate should screw over the Vanderbilts. Yawwwwwwwwn.

Blair tells Serena all about how she chooses the women for Chuck to “cheat on” her with and “catch”, and she looks at who she can humiliate. Models, tourists, Upper West Siders (Aren’t UWS folks already humiliated enough?) Nate and Serena tell Chuck and Blair respectively that these games are a bad idea, and the paparazzi shows up to take more pictures of S.

Blair: I know what you did this summer, and who. Cristiano Ronaldo. I hope you got your shots before you travelled.

We all now know the REAL reason why Cristiano Ronaldo was sad. He couldn’t get back into Serena’s Dolce and Gabana pants and she left him the gift that just keeps giving, herpes. (Seriously Serena, CR7? I thought you had better taste! Força Barça!)

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Vanessa turns the tables on Dan and judges him for his farmer’s tan and his new wallet Lily got him for graduation. She talks all about her new BFF Scott and Vanessa invites Dan Dan to meet him doing Brooklyn things. Dan judges Brooklyn even though he screams Brooklyn with every thing he does. Let’s just judge Vanessa on this wardrobe choice.

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Chuck and Blair try to avoid telling each other they don’t like the game and continue to play their game even though they really don’t want to and their chemistry is so hot I need to take a cold shower and put my laptop in rice as it’s BURNING and I had to throw water on it to stop the fire.

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The Humphreys (and a van der Woodsen) have fun reading about Serena’s summer!

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Carter Baizen shows up, and could something have happened this summer between Carter and S.? We don’t know for sure yet, but we can assume yes as Serena fakes a wardrobe malfunction to escape from him.

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Vanessa is worried that Dan thinks she’s going to judge. Even newbie Scott has to ask “Why would he think that?” Dan, lying about taking a limo to Brooklyn, is somewhere in the UES now silently judging them both. Scott tells Vanessa to invite herself to the charity polo match and tells her to get a plus-one so he can go to, because everyone *I* know wants to go to a charity polo match.

Scott, for the record:

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Blair can’t find a girl worth humiliating as all she sees are girls that must feel humiliated looking in the mirror. Poor Blair. She fesses up to no longer wanting to play the game and goes home with Chuck (lucky girl)

Turns out Lily is away taking care of CeCe who is not doing well. Jenny wants to know what happened with S. this summer, as we all do. Rufus tries to parent Serena and find out what she was doing, but S. says she was just having fun. Rufus then tells Serena she can throw out the first ball at the charity polo match!

Serena tells Dan that Carter is stalking her and he’s the guy in all the pics. She wants nothing to do with Carter! The plot thickens. Dan calls Blair, leaving a message saying “I know I’m not someone you want to hear from late at night, or ever, but I need your help.”

Scott calls his mommy while holding his birth certificate.

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It’s time for a Charity Polo Match! Jenny is now MRS. Jennifer Humphrey and wearing icky clothes.

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Serena shows up looking summery.

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Nate introduces Bree Buckley to his grandfather before returning the key to the new sports car Grandpa had just given him. Nate is sooo much better than his family.

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Blair and Chuck show up dressed to the horrible nines. Blair and Chuck see someone they would love to humiliate with their game, but Blair convinces herself she’s out of the game.

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Vanessa is happy to have the occasion to wear this dress she got out of the bargain bin at Big Lots.

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Vanessa compliments Dan Dan on his suit, and Dan judges her for judging him. The judging spirals out of control, with judgements being thrown left and right and nary a Supreme Court  Justice or even a lowly county judge is in sight. Blair breaks up the judging for their plan against Carter. Blair had a restraining order against him, and she vows she won’t leave Serena’s side. Dan asks Blair if he can say some judgmental things to Carter when Serena shows up to see if being the future stepbrother of Dan Dan will permit her to judge too. Too bad, as Carter judges Serena for lying and saying he was stalking her. Serena is then summoned to throw out the first pitch by famous Polo player (they exist?) Nacho Figueras.

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Scott introduces himself to Rufus. Scott is a Lincoln Hawk fan and wants to fan boy over Rufus! The plots are getting MORE and MORE unbelievable and it’s only Season 3. C’mon, Scott. Think of something believable.

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Blair catches Chuck flirting with Alessandra.

Serena uses her polo horse to escape, and Carter follows her. Insert your own Serena riding the whatever Congress representative or senator who has you the most pissed off this week cameo appearance.

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Bree Buckley tells Nate that her family isn’t talking to her and her being at a Vanderbilt family charity polo match won’t help things. Her cousin got stood up at the alter while Bree Buckley was away in Europe and she blames herself, etc etc blah blah pity me. I want to see Reba and Vann show up now, please. Anyway, Bree wants back in the family and Nate says he’s good at keeping things on the down low wink wink nudge nudge (first Nate is gay innuendo of the season from me. I did good at waiting this long.)

Turns out Carter and Serena had been looking for her father for a month before finding him, and her father refused to see her, so Serena is back to being Serena to get attention from her absent father. Classic. Serena then kisses Carter.

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Nate tells Grandpa he’s turning down the fall internship, and Grandpa says he just wants Nate to be happy. So Nate accepts the sports car present. Grandpa then makes a call to Tripp (ugggh, that name) to say he has found a way to get back at the Buckley’s. This isn’t going to end pretty, and none of us are going to want to watch it either, I’m guessing.

Vanessa catches up with Dan Dan to judge him again (like he is judging every one of us) and says to be himself in the UES world instead of this fake Dan. I’d prefer Dan to be himself in a morgue but that’s just me.

Looks like S. got Carter nekkid and left him stranded without a horse.

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Blair rushes home from Connecticut to find Chuck not with Alessandra but at home in bed nursing a headache. Blair worries they’ll be boring, and Chuck reassures her they won’t be.

Chuck: I’m not Chuck Bass without you.

Vanessa kisses Scott! The audience shrugs, indifferent other than the fact it keeps annoying away from characters they do care about.

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Growing up means one thing: independence.We all want it.

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Sometimes we use other people to try to get it for ourselves.

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Sometimes we find it in each other.

Serena calls and leaves a message for Daddy vd Woodsen, saying she’s not going to stop trying to get his attention.

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Sometimes our independence comes at the cost of something else and that cost can be high.

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Rufus pays for all the pictures of Serena, and the photographer warns Rufus there is one photographer he can’t control.

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Because more often than not, in order to gain independence, we have to fight.

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Serena makes sure the photographer will have this pic be published where Daddy can see it.

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Never give up, never surrender. XOXO, Gossip Girl

Number of Serena VD Woodsen Verified Sexual Partners: Nate, Dan, Aaron Rose, Gabriel, CR7, Carter (6)
Number of Serena VD Woodsen “I Love You’s”: 1 (Dan)

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