Gossip Girl here. Last time, we spotted our gang at a charity polo event, because those are where all the kewl kids hang these days. Chuck and Blair played games, and Serena had Daddy Issues and Wardrobe Malfunctions and Carter Baizen. Nate is dating his family’s enemy’s heir CHEYENNE from Reba while Vanessa is dating Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD, who is a LINCOLN HAWK FAN. Stretching reality is always in fashion on the UES.
Hey Jesus, it looks like the bitch is back. GEORGINA SPARKS EVERYONE.
It’s time for college everyone! How will Gossip Girl handle this jump that nearly every teen show fails at trying to handle? By failing to handle it at all, of course.
And by promising us a THREESOME at some point this season.
It’s Blair’s first day of college, and Dorota has JUST the headband for her.
I’m with Chuck. I also object to Blair living in dorms. She’s UES royalty. But isn’t Serena supposed to be headed to Brown? Chuck’s reasons are “fluorescent lighting, communal showers and homeless schoolgirls should be reserved for the back of a video store”. Blair insists she needs to be Queen of NYU, whereas Chuck feels the only queens at NYU are in line to see Liza at Carnegie Hall.
Serena tells Dan not to alienate his only friend at NYU (Vanessa), and Dan starts judging. Serena decides Dan Dan is perfect for NYU. Dan Dan then meets an “eavesdropping stalker”, Katie. More and more unbelievable.
Lily is still off taking care of CeCe (Kelly Rutherford on maternity leave), so she sends Serena her best through Rufus. It’s not like Lily would actually be there to mother had CeCe been sick though.
Dan finds Vanessa and Scott making out and judges. Then Blair walks out of her limo, says “EWWWW” in her best Summer Roberts impression (as she is married to Seth Cohen in real life) and instructs them “Let’s make it clear. We don’t know each other here.”
Instead of going to Brown to see Cohen and Summer, Serena goes to Bass, Chuck Bass’s.
Blair is already running things in the dorms and priding herself on her single when she finds out she actually has a roommate.
Blair is not amused that her new roommate is Georgina Sparks, but *I* am.
Blair: So you’re not in love with Jesus anymore.
Georgina: Oh, I still hold Him in my heart, but Jesus and I have redefined our relationship.
Blair: You mean He dumped you because He found out you were Satan!
To add to the fun, look who is down the hall in her most atrocious outfit this episode so far!
Blair decides to have a party and calls Dorota to begin planning.
Serena has decided to just not go to college and not tell anyone but stepbro Chuck….Serena is always making the best decisions, and of course, as she is Serena VD Woodsen, she will face NO consequences whatsoever. Chuck recruits her into helping him create a speakeasy. Chuck reassures S. that for people like them, a college degree is an accessory, like a poodle. With my poodle I am writing GG recaps and still trying to find a real job and I make in a year what they make by the time I finish typing this sentence.
Dan runs into Vanessa buying textbooks and uses the opportunity to judge her for the books she’s buying even if they’re for the same class he’s taking. They try to apologise for all the judging when Georgina shows up, and the two bond by judging Georgina. Georgie says she has her meds straightened out and tries to make peace. Dan says he is still judging her a lot and doesn’t want to make nice. Vanessa decides to give her a fresh start, and Dan judges Vanessa for it.
Nate is continuing to sex up Cheyanne from Reba. No one really cares.
Serena walks in and ruins Chuck’s business meeting. Damn broken heel! Who knew that the board doesn’t approve of establishments where “the coat check girls give happy endings”? Chuck then calls Serena a trainwreck. Has he not seen Jenny Humphrey’s hair or Vanessa’s fashion sense? (He did go for a ride in Brooklyn last season. Now THAT is a trainwreck.)
Blair threw a party and nobody came because they were watching Vanessa’s documentary. It was more realistic when sex with Buffy turned Angel into Angelus and Georgina was the Key to saving the world and they had to bring Buffy back from heaven.
Spotted: Serena crashing at the Humphrey Compound in Brooklyn. Dan Dan tells her to go to Rufus for some fatherly advice as he rushes to his room to secretly judge her as Serena eats his waffles (not a euphemism).
Blair is miffed that Georgina is throwing a Roofer Rager. Georgina reminds Blair that she is no longer queen and just some weird loser girl.
Serena made the unfortunate decision to wear this today:
She’s going to ask Rufus for advice about Brown, but Chuck already beat her to it. Rufus judges and tries to force her to go to college, and we all see where Dan gets the judging from (his father’s side). Serena walks out in a huff and calls Carter. Uh oh. She then withdraws from Brown.
Blair breaks up a tea party (no pun intended) to ask Dan to go to Georgina’s party with her. And the show officially jumps the shark. Excuse me to go vomit.
Gossip Girl: Forget the Four Horsemen. The real evidence our world is coming to an end? Blair Waldorf needing Dan Humphrey to rescue her from social extinction.
Ok, I think—
Not food poisoning, just Dan and Blair being the worst thing the show will ever make us have to swallow.
And Cobra Starship’s “Good Girls Gone Bad” featuring Leighton Meester is being played at the party. Gossip Girl going meta? Or Leighton got them a discount on the rights?
Dan then judges Blair for her headband and takes it up. Remember, this is the season that was being promoted with WTF. Not “Watch This Fall” as the CW promised it meant, but seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
The difference between Dan, who judges everyone for everything, and Blair, who judges on clothing, is that. Blair judges everyone on their clothing, and we love her for it. Dan judges someone for having untied shoelaces while his are untied, or for having sex with their teacher, which he did, or for having decaf coffee, which he is currently drinking, etc. We despise him even more every time he opens his mouth He leaves Blair to talk to his groupie Katie, and Blair is shocked to find out Humphrey is a writer. Georgina tries to tell Dan to ignore Blair (GREAT advice), but Dan feels bad for her as he knows what it’s like to be the pariah.
Dan will always be the pariah.
Nate and Bree Buckley continue Sex Fest 2009. She is astonished to find out Nate still has the boarding pass from the plane when they met. Yawn lovey dovey stuff, and I’m not vomiting from that hat but from Dan and Blair going to a party together. Still.
Serena and Carter decide to liven up a Chuck Bass Boring Business Meeting. I know I speak for all of us when I say that I want to hear more of Carter’s tale of Chuck and the Italian Ambassador’s Son getting kicked out of an Amsterdam Brothel.
Blair meets the Nerds from Saved by the Bell: The New Class Season 28.
Dan and Scott BOND, but what Dan doesn’t know is that Scott is his SECRET-LOVE-CHILD BROTHER.
Dan and Vanessa are then forced to watch their scenes. They still judge us, but at least they now understand why we are so exasperated with the whole Brooklyn lot.
Blair takes over the DJ’s mike so she can out Georgina as a Jesus Freak and asks everyone “to raise a glass to the coolest Christian I know, Georgina Sparks.” The Jesus Camp is here at the party to convert everyone! God bless Georgina!
Carter calls S. out on using him to ruin Chuck and leaves Serena high and dry.
Blair invites everyone to Monkey Bar, even Dan, who is used to Social Siberia. I hope he returns there soon. Dan takes the mike and says it was Blair who invited the Christians to the shindig and says “college is a place where you’re not judge for what you believed or for the friends you make.” I believe sanctimony is a sin? They stay at the party on the roof and replay “Good Girls Go Bad.” Yep, Leighton got them a deal on the song for sure.
Rufus finds Serena hanging out at the loft and they have a heart to heart, and the audience yawns indifferently. Serena says she just delayed Brown for a year and hasn’t withdrawn completely. Rufus said he did the same with Rutgers and his music. The two BOND. Rufus says he wants to be more to Serena “than Lily’s most recent husband.” Please tell me the show is not going to go THERE.
Bree Buckley finally gets dressed and calls her mom to talk her into liking Nate and fails. Nate comforts her as they decide to try to make a relationship work. Yawn.
Blair meets with Serena on the steps of the MET to bitch about there being no class system below 14th Street. As if.
Scott gives Vanessa a review of all the professors he’s ever had at NYU and apologises for being weird at the party. I had already forgotten about it. Scott fishes for information about the brother (Dan) no one knows he has.
Serena says she’s sorry to Carter and says that she wants them. They make out.
Blair gets back into bed with Chuck, literally, and says he was right about the dorms.
A hungover Dan turns down an invite to hang out with Vanessa and the Brother He Doesn’t Know Is His Brother Scott.
He finds this next to him asleep on the roof.
Apparently higher education doesn’t make for smarter decisions. So take out your notebooks and sharpen your pencils, kids. Gossip Girl’s going to college and this class has a lot to learn.
Best thing of this episode? No Jenny Humphrey.
Worst thing? Safran’s Humphrey Hard-On is as blatantly obvious as Chuck and Blair’s chemistry. What was with all the cast, especially Nate and Cheyenne, being isolated the entire episode? Still lots of good stuff this week.