The Lost Boy. Episode 3×03.

Last week, Dan and Georgina began some sort of relationship, Blair found out her Queendom wasn’t going to transfer to Hipster NYU, and Nate had a lot of sex with Cheyenne from Reba. What will Van do if he finds out? Oh, and Serena decided to defer Brown for a year to sex up Carter.

Is this week the big promised THREESOME? WTF!?!? Watch this fall and what the fuck!

Blair learns what a sock on the door means. Georgina is getting FRISKY.

vlcsnap-2015-05-01-13h32m29s175  Blair: I’m wearing a glove and still want to wash my hands!…don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey!

Blair, needless to say, is not amused.

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Serena then catches Dan on a “walk of shame” after Blair comments that it’s “quite a fall” from Serena to Georgina. Dan tries to lie and say he was coming from Vanessa’s who is into “feng shui” and makes him get half naked. Vanessa then enters the hall and Dan is caught in a lie. Serena and Vanessa talk in unison about who they hope it WASN’T, and I can’t figure out who is hoping not Georgina and who is hoping not Blair. I’m Team Whoever Is Hoping Not Blair.

Vanessa says college is time for experimentation, like with ethnic foods. Serena pipes in “or girls who pretend to be Sarah from Portland”. I mean, “who DOESN’T have a Georgina in their closet?” Serena asks.

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Scott acts fishy when Vanessa calls him. Could it be because he’s the secret love child of someone? Oh, it’s because he’s taking guitar lessons from Rufus. That unbelievable bit about being a Lincoln Hawk fan is coming back to haunt him.

Serena and Dan make a pact not to judge each other on Carter and Georgina. Dan runs off to judge as Carter greets Serena. And then Aubrey greets Carter. Who’s Aubrey, you ask? Someone Carter apparently had sex with and never called back when he was supposedly stalking Serena in Europe. Aubrey slaps Carter and leaves him to explain things to our S.

Detective Vanancyessa Drew finds out that Scott is not a student at NYU. The plot thickens.

Blair surprises Chuck with breakfast and wearing next-to-nothing under her coat. Chuck turns her down for work-stuff. Blair is a bit miffed as it’s been FIVE days. She storms out and finds an invitation to some swanky French named place. She orgasms into Serena’s voice mail.

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Georgina, never one for sane decisions, calls Dan adorable when he tries a “Define-The-Relationship” talk and fails miserably. He judges her. Georgina says “no-strings”, and Dan continues to judge, even if that’s what he wanted.

Ohhhh, it was to a secret society, not a French restaurant. Of course Blair would get invited to a secret society, although if both she and Serena know about it, how secret is it? Is it the Illuminati by any chance? Blair then says it’s Serena’s fault that Chuck isn’t pleasuring her because Serena and Carter are ruining everything. Serena says she can change Carter and calls him on the spot. Blair refuses to believe that people can change despite having more or less tamed the Bass.

Bree Buckley is so desperate for her family to talk to her she wrote on her dad’s Facebook wall. Remember those days, when Facebook had “walls”? I am old. Maybe she is just worried Van will find out? She finally consents to allowing Nate to make their public debut as a couple.

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Turns out the secret society wants Blair to purchase the same picture that Chuck needs to purchase to close a business deal. They fight and bicker and cause DVD player problems due to their smoking hot chemistry.

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What Brooklyn Hipsters’ Dorm Rooms looked like in Fall 2009. Thanks, Vanessa.

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Vanessa confronts Scott about the lies, and he tells her his real last name is Rosson, not Adler, then confesses. HE IS RUFUS AND LILY’S SECRET LOVE CHILD. He tells Vanessa the whole story Vanessa tells him that his parents lied to Rufus and Lily to keep Scott from seeing them and encourages him to tell Rufus who he is. Scott says he needs time and asks Vanessa to keep a secret. Vanessa ponders, as she knows Dan needs something HUGE to judge someone about.

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Carter’s card is declined, and Serena offers to use hers. Carter says the hotel is charging him for room service he didn’t order. The nerve.

Not a good luck for our Queen.

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Chuck tries to apologize to Blair to skip the auction so no one gets the photograph. Blair is then seduced by her boyfriend. They send an assistant and Dorota to do their bidding for them so they can screw each other’s brains out. How romantic. When they find out what the other had done, Blair stops the having of the sex to go get the photograph and steals Chuck’s shoes. Kinky kinky.

Vanessa tells Dan Dan that Scott has been lying, and Dan gets excited. HE HAS SOMETHING TO JUDGE SOMEONE ABOUT. Georgina then comes in, complaining that there is a big sock on the doorknob, and Vanessa runs off. Dan then tells Georgina about how he gets to judge Scott, and Georgina says they need to find out who the guy is. Uh oh. Nothing is more scary than Georgina with a plan.

By the way, this is episode 3 and there still hasn’t been a Gossip Girl blast this season. We have the voice overs, of course, but she is leaving the gang in peace so far. Something must be brewing.

Georgina finds Scott’s soccer/real football team from high school in two clicks and finds out his last name is Rosson. Dan starts to put two and two together and gets 37. He’s been having Nate help him with college algebra. Oh, Scott Rosson was the dude who wrote Dan fan mail. (Unbelievable.) Georgina and Dan decide to go to the auction to find out the secret. O.k. then.

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Scott tries to win Vanessa back. Yawn.

Spotted by the paparazzi, Nate macking on Cheyenne, I mean Bree Buckley.

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Vanessa and Scott barely dressing up for the event.

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Blair in a fashion don’t and Serena being Serena.

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The auction starts just as Scott is about to confront Rufus with The Truth. Also, his adoptive mother has shown up!

Serena buys the photograph as Chuck and Blair are busy bickering over who deserves it more. Team Serena for once!

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Scott’s adoptive mommy says he can tell Rufus and she supports him. Blah blah Full House style family scene with Scott and adoptive mommy.

Georgina introduces herself to Rufus as “You might remember me as Sarah.” Ay, Georgina. They are worried about Scott, but Vanessa tells them to chill as Scott has something to say. So Scott lies and says he is the brother of the secret-love child who died, as the writers didn’t want the secret to come out before sweeps month. Duh.

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Chuck and Blair fess up to Serena about how they’ve been messing with Carter so she wouldn’t see him. Blair apologizes for even the warrant and warns Serena she might want to take a DNA sample down to the NYPD the next day. Serena reveals she had been looking for her father who remarried two years ago in Santorini and wants nothing to do with her, as if she were ebola or from Brooklyn. Blair makes Chuck call his guy at the precinct when they find out Carter had been helping Serena all this time.

Serena: You and Chuck are two of the most self-centred, damaged people I’ve met.
Blair: I’m not following.
Serena: Well, somehow, two wrongs make a twisted right.

Serena gives Blair the photograph, who then gives it to Chuck after that speech and tells Chuck she loves him.

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Serena then gets an invite to the society. Oh God, not again. Never mind, it was Blair’s invite, and Serena recognized the handwriting as none other than…GEORGINA SPARKS. Oh Georgina, thank you for continuing to wreak havoc in little ways. Serena lets Georgina know she is tots Team Blair.

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Serena tells Dan what Georgina had done, and after Dan judges in private a while, he calls Georgina to judge her on it and break things off with her. Damn. I was hoping for more Georgina. There can never be too much Georgina.

Too bad Georgina changed her laptop wallpaper to this picture.

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Serena hasn’t heard from Carter, and Dan judges. Seriously, aren’t these two about to be stepsiblings? Isn’t Scott the brother to BOTH of them?

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Chuck has his photograph! He finds out the boss’ assistant is BFF with Georgina, who has a “MBA in deviant behavior.” Oh for crying out loud. Chuck walks away with the photo.

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WHY VANESSA WHY?

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Scott takes off for Boston and says goodbye to Vanessa…secret only being known to her. HE IS THE SECRET LOVE CHILD. But there is a KEY twist.

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Uh oh. What Georgina knows will hurt everyone else!

Serena and Carter are back together. Yawn. I like them together, but their kiss-and-make-up scene is yawn. She invites him to the van der Humphrey family breakfast. Jenny is much better as background than a character driving story, for the record!

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Chuck bought a hotel. Blair is a bit concerned it’s too big of a risk but supports him. He invites her to the penthouse. Imagines can run wild now. (They will color in Nate’s coloring book.)

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And then Bree Buckley in her limo sees Carter.

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Turns out he crossed the family and Bree is going to use her knowledge of him dating Serena to get back into the family. Everyone knows everyone on the Upper East Side!

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Georgina books a train to Boston after changing the wallpaper.

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Anyone want to start the bidding on what happens next? Going once, going twice, XOXO Gossip Girl.

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