Dan de Fleurette. Episode 3×04

Georgina knows a secret! What will she do with it? Chuck bought a hotel and rented out the penthouse so he and Blair could colour together, and Scott nearly outed himself as the Secret Love Child! Oh, and we’re still dealing with Serena dropping out of Brown before starting.

And in an episode called “Dan de Fleurette”, I’m guessing we’re going to see flower power judging. I hope there is no threesome involved. We still have that coming up. Will this be the episode?

Oh. Great. A Jenny episode. And one where she establishes herself as “Queen” of Constance which Blair left to her. “Nervous subjects ‘twitter’ and ‘tweet’” according to Gossip Girl. Are they trying to be meta again?

vlcsnap-2015-05-03-22h26m27s70Oh GOD help us all, the Hilary Duff (I mean Olivia Burke) shit has started. Don’t know who Olivia Burke is? Neither does Dan, but he’s already judging her. And who is she? Why, she’s the star of Endless Knights, the vampire teen series with vampires on King Arthur’s Court. That sounds worse than True Blood season 7 or The Initiave on Buffy and almost as bad as Twilight itself.

Anyways, Nate tells Dan ALL about this. Dan Dan has no money and judges his wallet for not coming with him, so this blonde chick who looks like Hilary Duff pays for it. She introduces herself as “Kate”.

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Blair meets with geeks, then realise they are talking about roleplaying and He-Man, not a Master of the Universe finance meeting. Her bad. She calls Chuck for advice

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Jenny is SOOO right. No one *is* copying how the Queen dresses. Oh my God. My eyes. My eyes. I must gauge them out now. How is this the school uniform?

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Eric is right. This is disturbing. Mini-Jennys wanting to be at her beck and call. They shall be called the Not Mean Girls.

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Rufus is trying to help Serena tell her mom that she dropped out of Brown. The roleplay is going a little too well. All he needs is a teacup full of wine to sip from.

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And look who is back from maternity leave! Where’s the wine?

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A sober Lily who hasn’t had to parent in a while realises that hey, Serena should be at Brown! She then makes a good parenting point when Serena explains she’s going to work, telling S. she’s “never worked a day in her life.” Lily is determined that Serena will go to Brown.

And Jenny makes a speech.

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Celeste (who?) texts Blair to let her know that Jenny is up to no good, and Blair runs out of the café after warning some dude that “sandals are not shoes.” Blair is going to tear some bitches down!

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Vanessa has a new roomie! Kate! Er Olivia! Er who the eff ever!

Serena goes through an interview montage! Fun! Everyone must hire the girl who kills guys with cocaine, falls in love at the drop of a hat and who has never worked a day in her life! The girl who needed help with math from Nate Archibald! (More and more isolated in his own world, that one). The girl who took up more tabloid space than Lindsay Lohan! Yes, Serena VD Woodsen is the perfect hire!

I just don’t understand WHY no one hired her.

Maybe she should just try streetwalking? I hear Brooklyn has many corners that she could find work on.

Serena then overhears Olivia say she just wants the “normal college experience”. The paparazzi arrive, and Serena expertly gives Olivia advice on how to ditch them. They become BFF. Olivia’s publicist calls Serena “The Diva Whisperer” and gives her a job. WTFever, and I don’t mean Watch This Fall. Ok, yes, Serena does deal with Blair and her Blairants quite well, but still. It must be nice to get a job with no qualifications whatsoever.

Blair has arranged for the Not Mean Girls to retake the monarchy and gave them headbands, instructing them to call Jenny “Little J.” Blair…aren’t you too old and too important to bother with Jenny?

Nate, proving he isn’t the brightest bulb even in the burnt-out bulb recycling centre, says that he expect more game from Dan because he dated Serena. This is Humphrey we’re talking about. Kate-Olivia then shows up at the library. Dan judges. Nate instantly recognises her from Endless Knights but doesn’t tell Dan Dan. Olivia forgot she said her name was Kate and doesn’t respond to Dan. Olivia decides to get pizza with Dan instead of doing Larry King. Nate watches, jealous of Olivia.

And what is it with Dan Dan dating girls who lie about their name to him? Georgina, now Olivia…

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And now Serena has to work with Olivia’s co-star, Ursula (played by Tyra Banks wink wink nudge nudge), who is a Diva in a Bad Way. This is supposed to be ENTERTAINING.

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But by the next scene, they are BFF.

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Chuck arrives at Casa Waldorf to see Blair mistreating Dorota and conniving once again. You know, the Blair he fell in love with. Blair is throwing another Waldorf sleepover!

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Dan has an awkward date with Kaolivia where she says she likes him, and after judging her, he says he likes her too because she is so “normal” and is a bit worried she won’t give him enough things to do to judge her for. This is supposed to be endearing because she is really a big time celeb.

Chuck and Jenny go in cahoots to take out the puppet regime and make Blair be some shade of normal for Blair.

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Tyra Banks’ diva actress’ character’s scene (Ursula Nyquist) was cut from the film. Publicist K.C. asks Serena to lie.

And Vanessa asks Dan to her roommate’s premiere. Uh oh.

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Random, but fitting for any recap of Gossip Girl. I just found out there is a small penis contest in Brooklyn every year. Perhaps this would be a great storyline for Dan Humphrey. Much better than dating ex-Disney stars trying to break out of the Disney frame. At least it wasn’t Miley Cyrus. I digress.

It’s the premiere, and Dan Dan can’t find Vanessa. He secretly judges her for not being able to be found in a crowded Hollywood premiere.

However, the Waldorf Sleepover is the place to be. Dorota and Mr. Chuck both think this is a bad idea, but Blair doesn’t care. She wants strong martinis, stat!

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Just say no.

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Blair is NOT amused when Gossip Girl sends out a blast that Chuck arrived at the premiere with Jenny. And for those who have seen the show before, this pretty much says that who Gossip Girl is can no way be Gossip Girl, but whatever, us fans don’t notice silly things like this. Insert eye roll here.

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Lily is hoping Rufus spiked the soda. Especially when she sees Serena is working, as “a year of parties and events is a worthy alternative to an Ivy League education.”

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Poor Lily, having to be a mother still now that Serena is 18 and she should be free of motherly duties. Oh good, Lily then says K.C. hired Serena only for her A-list status as there is no way an 18-year-old would be hired. No degree? I’d love to see a Serena working at McDonald’s (even better if it’s in Brooklyn or better yet, Staten Island, or even better yet, JERSEY).

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Dan runs into “Kate”, who is supposed to be working. She says he’s not lying, but he’s already too busy judging her before they call her Olivia. He then judges himself for his hipster stupidity.

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This movie, Fleur, just looks BAD. Ursula should be happy her scene was cut, but she runs out in tears. The publicist, K.C., is thinking the public meltdown should be good press. Serena is miffed she was lied to.

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Blair arrives, causing a bigger scene when she runs into Jenny and Chuck. Chuck tells Blair it was his idea because her teeny-bopper slumber party was just a bad idea. Blair cries. “NYU doesn’t care about the social hierarchy!” Well, only in an ironic way, those hipsters.

Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass, and I told you I love you. You’re saying I’m easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents? You insult me like this?…the next time you forget your Blair Waldorf, remember I’m Chuck Bass, and I love you.

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Dan calls himself an idiot. At least he knows it. He and Olivia have a heart-to-heart as the Michelle learns her lesson music from Full House plays. Her middle name is “Kate”, by the way.

Blair practically orgasms when she is recognised and a photographer asks to take her picture.

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Serena tells Ursula to be mature about the scene being cut so she can be seen as a “real actress.” K.C. the publicist doesn’t like this and fires Serena.

Lily gloats over a cup of tea that is most likely spiked.

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Serena announces she is moving out so she can find herself. Lily then gives Serena some great motherly advice < /sarcasm font >

Lily: Do you think anyone really knows who they are? They don’t. They just live.

Lily then blames Rufus for everything. Oh Lily, how I’ve missed your bad parenting skills.

Vanessa tells Olivia that Dan is a “special guy” and reflects on her past relationship with Scott to try to encourage Olivia to tap that.

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Serena is going to crash at the Waldorf’s even though Blair is staying at NYU.

And Blair? She’s found some other Ivy League rejects who are just dying for a caste system at NYU.

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If you ask me, we go to the movies because we want to see fairy tales. A sleeping queen woken by her true love’s kiss.

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Chuck hired the photographer to take Blair’s pic.

A princess who puts aside her jewels to make her way in the world.

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Ursula told K.C. she would fire K.C. as her publicist unless Serena was re-hired. Talk about fairy tales.

Lovers torn apart being brought back together.

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Vanessa calls Scott! The call is interrupted by an incoming call from…off-screen GEORGINA.

But life isn’t a fairy tale and happy endings are few and far between.

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In life, the young queen becomes a tyrant

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And takes her subjects to war.

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So that’s why we need movies, to remind us that despite it all, love can still spring in the most unlikeliest of places.

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And that sometimes, even fairy tales can come true. XOXO, Gossip Girl

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