Gossip Girl here. Spotted last week? Scott getting calls from Georgina, Dan flirting with Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia Burke, and Blair not happy with Little J’s reign over Constance. What will happen this week? From the title…Rufus and Lily get married, maybe? They haven’t even mentioned their engagement this season…
I bet there will be wine. And maybe that promised threesome will finally transpire?
This week begins with Gossip Girl pontificating about love as we see a montage of the couples. Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Chuck and Blair, Humphrey and his computer, Rufus on the couch…she also admits that love on the UES is a synonym for “pain”. Yep! That’s why we watch.
Serena asks her boo boo Carter to make nice with Bree, who last we saw was hating Carter. Carter is not enthused.
Dan: I’m telling her (Olivia) to say hi to Godzilla for me. Funny, right?
Vanessa: More than your sushi puns.
The Brooklyn Follies just made a funny! I’m in shock! Dan is apparently using Vanessa’s screen name to talk to Olivia. Pretty pathetic. Scott isn’t talking to Vanessa. Still pretty pathetic. Things are back to normal now.
Blair is not happy the “bloodsucker” is back, and they have to tell Blair that vampires don’t ride brooms. All the vampire talk is because in 2009, Twilight, True Blood and The Vampire Diaries were at their peaks and Gossip Girl was desperate for ratings. Blair does not like Cheyenne, I mean Bree Buckley, Nate’s new girlfriend and makes a ton of rude comments at brunch. This is supposed to be AMUSING. And it is!
Blair: I know women, and none of us are that nice.
Chuck realises that he and Bree have a shared enemy in Carter Baizen.
Lily is looking at her old wedding photos, and Serena comments that “that was by far your best wedding,” even if the marriage only lasted nine months. Nostalgia on the Upper East Side.
In the most shocking plot twist ever, Lily realises that SHE was wrong to have left Serena with Rufus for the summer (even if Serena was off giving Cristiano Ronaldo herpes while looking for her dad in Europe) when her daughter still needed her. Yes, Lily…you’ve made a lot of bad choices. But Rufus isn’t one of them, according to Serena. Lily isn’t so sure.
When Rufus shows up in Brooklyn, Humphrey judges him before calling Serena to hatch a plan to get those wascally wabbits back together.
Georgina asks Vanessa why Dan isn’t responding to her calls, texts or animated e-cards. Vanessa breaks the news to Georgina that Dan is seeing someone else and that Georgina is a “crazy person”. Yes, but that is why we love Georgina.
And then Georgina gives Vanessa an ultimatum. “Get Dan to dump the whore” or she’s going to tell everyone that Scott is The Secret Love Child! Dunh dunh dunh. Georgina reminds Vanessa that if all the Humphrey’s hate her, well, Vanessa won’t have any friends, ever.
Vanessa then calls Dan to tell him that Olivia has been seen by Star in Japan canoodling with Orlando Bloom and that US Weekly has her on baby bump watch. Dan doesn’t buy it as Vanessa doesn’t read gossip magazines. He judges. Georgina decides it’s time to break out the Photoshop.
Georgina: Haven’t you ever tried to get someone to dump a celebrity before?
Awkward Family Lunch moments!
Lily agrees to it if there is wine. They don’t show her with the wine, but I mean, even the worst writers could follow this character trait. It’s like following an elephant wearing a neon green blanket in the bright sunshine of the Sahara.
Chuck is giving Blair a massage as they discuss Serena and Carter and Bree the Future Nascar Mom. Chuck gives her the advice that Nate dating Bree doesn’t make her bad and Serena dating Carter doesn’t make him a prince.
Dan hangs out with Eric and Jenny so he can tell them how he’s judging Vanessa for trying to break him and Olivia up. They say “Duh, Vanessa likes you.”
Lily gets turned on by Rufus talking about the time he opened for Sonic Youth. Rufus says he wants a non-fuss wedding, but Lily is worried that Mayor Bloomberg just won’t like it. Lily then gets mad that Rufus won’t compromise and walks off, presumably in search of wine.
Dan catches Vanessa Photoshopping and judges. Vanessa explains that she’s NOT in love with Dan (you moron!) and that Georgina is blackmailing her. Vanessa then fesses up that she knows Scott is…DAN’S BROTHER.
Rufus and Lily MISS EACH OTHER. They go to each other’s houses, which is supposed to be CUTE. It is ANNOYING. They decide to get married the next day!
Serena, Blair and Little J. put the Not Mean Girls and Dorota to work to make the wedding happen. Dorota calls the “Sonic Youths” and they might can make it! Jenny is making the dress, which has to be better than this shirt Lily chose to 1. Buy 2. Later wear
Dan and Vanessa plot to keep Georgina from spilling the beans.
Thanks to SErena, Lily realises that the vows she’s writing were the same ones she used for Klaus. The wedding will be taking place in Brooklyn Botannical Gardens.
We finally found out what Georgina did to get rid of Poppy. Deportation. Nice throw away line that summed up a burning question.
Georgina is amazed that Orlando Bloom’s star power is plummeting. These days he’s doing ebola mission work by the way. Georgina can’t get a date to the wedding, and when she kisses Dan and he doesn’t grab her ass, she realises Dan is lying! She judges. Turnabout is fair play.
Chuck pays Carter a visit, saying Bree told him what happened and gives Carter a choice: Go to the wedding as Serena’s date and tell everyone everything or use the one-way ticket out of New York Chuck just purchased for him.
Georgina makes umbrellas lovely as she greets Scott.
Dorota is late, and Blair reminds her for next time that “Mister Chuck has a chopper”.
Not the dress I’d choose for a wedding, Bree.
Chuck shows he is Lily’s stepson forever no matter who Lily’s husband is that week with a glass of wine as Blair remarks that Carter’s being late better be because he’s dead and not because of something Chuck did.
Vanessa just doesn’t even try.
Jenny’s dress for Lily is, of course, NOT white. They have a Full House bonding moment.
Carter shows up, quite blue. Literally.
He then tells Serena that he faked being in love with a girl (before leaving her at the alter) so the girl’s family would pay off his gambling debts. S. has landed herself a real winner there.
Georgina looks loverly. Dan looks judgemental.
Lily confesses to Rufus that she doesn’t know what to say in the wedding vows. They’re not supposed to see each other on their wedding day. Dumbasses!
Everyone stands up…for no one. Serena stalls when Georgina walks by.
Lily yells at Scott (who she hasn’t met) for eavesdropping on her and Rufus’ fight.
And…the fun begins.
Lily: Do you know him?
Rufus. Um, er, well, that was
Georgina: Your love child. Congratulations. It’s a boy.
Rufus and Lily then leave their own wedding to track down their son, who takes the bus from Chinatown to Boston.
Carter tells Serena he really does care for her, and she walks off. Bree and her cousins make sure Carter knows he’s going to pay.
Georgina helps herself to the cake.
First Brooklyn, now Chinatown. Lily is really slumming it this episode. Rufus tells Lily she’s scared of heartbreak which is why she’s using every excuse not to marry him, walks off, finds Scott, Lily catches up to him, Full House moment, complete with hugs.
Rufus and Lily get married with horrible vows that include Rufus’ chili.
Lily and Serena make up. Mother-daughter moment.
The Humphrey’s and Eric bond with their new shared brother! Smashing! Dan is right about something. “No one under 40 has ever liked Lincoln Hawk.”
And Scott the Secret-Love Child goes back to Boston, never to seen or heard from again. Great storytelling there, guys.
Sonic Youth performs background music for a few big showdowns. (The singer was the officiator of the wedding too.) This boosts Rufus’ street cred with no one.
Chuck tells Serena about the ultimatum he gave Carter and she runs off to find Carter, as his showing up to the wedding means he wuvs her.
Nate dumps Bree because she used him to get to Carter. She leaves, never to be seen or heard from again. Great storytelling there, guys.
Serena calls Carter. Too bad he’s in a limo with the Buckley’s.
Rufus and Lily dance. They will be heard from again.
Dan laments and judges Georgina for getting away scot-free. Blair says she wouldn’t be so sure about that as she dances with Chuck.
Georgina meets a prince from Belarus (who looks suspiciously like Vanya) and runs off with him. Will she be seen again?.
Oh Dorota, what have you done?
There are songs that make us want to dance, songs that make us want to sing along, but the best songs are the ones that bring you back to the moment you first heard them.
And once again
Break your heart. XOXO, Gossip Girl