Gossip Girl here. Last week, Rufus and Lily got married and their secret love child went back to Boston, never to be mentioned again. The Buckleys took off with Carter, presumably to beat him up. And Dan’s new actress girlfriend played by Hilary Duff took off to Japan and was off screen. Also, Georgina met a Belarussian prince…and took off with him.
Will this be the week of the promised threesome? How long do we have to wait for it?
BLAIR IS DREAMING!
Talk about your NIGHTMARE. That award was meant for Blair! It’s only a nightmare though.
Chuck: Bad dream? Don’t tell me it was Charade again. I know how terrifying you find Walter Matthau.
It’s worse. It’s not a Hepburn movie. Blair was Bette Davis in All About Eve! Funny, I always pictured Serena and Blair in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Now that’d be a fantastic spinoff idea in about ten years, CW. Chuck comforts her. Blair reminds everyone she’s Audrey while refusing to tell Chuck that Eve was Vanessa.
Oh, get rid of Bree Buckley just to have Nate working for his cousin Tripp’s campaign for super young senator. WTF once again is not Watch This Fall. Apparently the Buckley’s have taken Carter off to their Gulf of Mexico oil rigs to work off their debts.
Vanessa is helping the Humphrey’s pack up the loft as Jenny boasts of Vanessa’s newfound fame as environmental activist. Vanessa won’t invite her parents to some speech she might give because they frown upon her NYU education. Come to think of it, we’ve never seen Vanessa’s parents.
Jenny and Vanessa convince Dan Dan to invite Olivia to meet the parents, and Jenny says people like Dan more when they meet his family. God, Jenny’s hair alone is enough to make me run screaming into the night.
Nate invites Serena to some family gathering or some shit about PJ Buckley. It’s so boring I’m not paying attention. Sorry! Oh, Nate is trying to set her up. Isn’t she with Carter? Who yes, disappeared but…
Blair: I am in no mood to hear you fawn over some girl with tacky accessories who lives to recycle.
Blair then runs into the Tacky Wonder, and Vanessa announces she is giving the speech at the freshmen dinner! Blair is NOT amused.
Olivia is back with a compliment watch, because she has to pay an accessory to compliment her because no one else will? Oh, it’s a gift for DAN, because his ego needs it. He judges the watch, then invites Olivia for dinner with the Humphrey’s or some shit.
Vanessa invites her parents to the Freshmen Dinner, but Blair, looking fabulous,is plotting to take away the speech from Vanessa.
Too bad Olivia calls and says she WILL give the speech after all. Yawn drama. I want INTERESTING drama, dammit.
Blair goes in to tell this guy, Josh Ellis, that Vanessa is a tacky cliché from the 7-1-8. He informs her that Olivia is giving the speech, thanks to her new boyfriend convincing her. Blair gets mad.
Blair gets to inform Vanessa, whose mom finally agreed to come, that Olivia is the one giving the speech.
Caption This! Nate and Serena edition!
Nate gets Serena into the poker game for $25,000. Oh goody, a poker game, just what I wanted. A cure for insomnia.
Vanessa tries to talk Dan into talking Olivia out of giving the speech. She even lies and says that Olivia is freaking out about meeting the Humphreys. Because of how losery they are?
At the poker yawn game, Serena and Nate bet a photo of Trip’s bachelor party for Carter. Still not interested in a televised poker game.
Olivia backs out and gives Vanessa an anime claw. Vanessa gets the job of giving the speech, which one of Blair’s NYU Mean Girls overhears, and tells Blair. Blair decides it’s time to bring back her game with Chuck with the almost cheating.
Serena loses the game and this Buckley dude sends the pic of Trip getting high.
Who knew Vanessa’s mother was Zoë Washborne from Firefly? Or Gabriela Abrams.
The Abrams do not believe in private universities, by the way.
Blair wants Chuck to fake-seduce a guy. Josh Ellis. Yep, only on Gossip Girl. Chuck agrees, as Blair says she’ll go powder her nose for 10 minutes. Chuck boasts he only needs five.
Nate cries and whines about destroying Trip’s political career. Yawn. The plot thickens a bit when Serena overhears Nate say the picture was a fake.
Gabriela “doesn’t worship at the altar of shallow Hollywood celebrities” and judges Lily! That sounds more like a Humphrey trait than an Abrams! Maybe she’s Dan’s biological mother?
Vanessa is about to get caught in her lies as Olivia wants to ask Dan Dan why he changed his mind about her meeting the vdHumphreys when Vanessa told Dan Dan that Olivia was too nervous. Vanessa says Dan’s parents are really judgemental. Um, Vanessa? Have you met Dan? He’s the judgemental one.
Dan burns dinner in the background.
Chuck is gaybaiting.
Blair waits in the background to let Chuck kiss Mr. Ellis.
Blair seems more surprised at Mr. Ellis than her boyfriend!
Mr. Ellis explains that kissing Chuck Bass is #27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt. I’m not even making this shit up. Turns out Mr. Ellis and Blair had a deal. If she wanted to give the toast, he would have to kiss Chuck Bass.
Blair: Are you upset you kissed a guy?
Chuck: I’m upset that I kissed somebody that wasn’t you. You really think I never kissed another guy before?
Blair fakes calling Vanessa to tell her she won’t be giving the speech after all.
Calling all cooks! Here’s your chance to judge Dan!
Olivia and Dan decide to go to the dinner at NYU. Drama will ensue.
Really Vanessa? You’re wearing this to give the speech? Really? Okay then.
Blair looks much more elegant.
Blair: Please, you’re embarrassing yourself even more than usual. When will you learn? Some people are simply better than others.
Vanessa’s attempts to beg Blair to let her give the speech aren’t met well with Blair.
Even Olivia is dressed better than Vanessa.
Lily and Olivia bond over fashion.
One of Blair’s new minions lets it slip to Chuck that Mr. Ellis promised Blair something. Uh oh.
Serena confronts Nate about the picture of Trip and blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Oh, Olivia is pretending to be a shallow Hollywood celebrity to annoy Dan’s father and stepmother (great, Lily has another two children to ignore). They figure out that Vanessa is a big fat lying liar who lies with a bad sense of fashion.
Vanessa wants a list of reasons why Blair is better than her, and Blair begins with her breeding. She has more in common with Marie Antoinette than Vanessa. Is that a sly metaphor we’re being hit over the head with? Anyway, the whole speech is broadcast to the whole room, including the part where Blair says she lied to Chuck because it was necessary. Chuck overhears. Uh oh.
Chuck walks off, and Dan and Olivia walk in together looking for Vanessa, and Blair looks worried.
Vanessa tries to apologise to Dolivia when she says she wishes the Humphrey’s were her parents. Mommy overhears.
Lily gives Blair her best dressing down.
Carter comes to say goodbye to Serena, but she tells him she settled her debt with PJ Buckley. Apparently she told them that the pic was fake? Carter leaves as he’d rather have her hate him than feel sorry for them. And that’s the last we’ll see of Carter until…?
Vanessa’s mom is concerned about who NYU is turning her into. Well, this is the same Vanessa she’s always been. Remember when she stole the letter Jenny wrote Nate? And wtfever, as this is the first time we’ve ever seen Vanessa’s mom…sure, she was supposedly home-schooled, but we never saw it.
Olivia tries to explain to Lily and Rufus that she was faking being a shallow Hollywood star when she’s summoned to give the speech. Whatevs.
Dan brings Olivia to Humphrey breakfast (there are waffles and the Welcome Back Kotter mugs) and everything is okay again. Whatevs.
Blair asks Chuck for forgiveness.
Chuck isn’t so sure he’s ready to grant it, but Blair promises to call later. I hope these two make it.
Vanessa made plans for breakfast with her mom, but Gabriela already took off.
When it comes to family, we’re all still children at heart.
No matter how old we get, we always need a place we can call home.
Because without the people you love most
You can’t help but feel all alone in the world.
Blair runs into Vanessa, who invites her to join her.
Fortunately, misery loves company.Well, for now at least. XOXO Gossip Girl