How to Succeed in Bassness. Episode 3×07.

Last time on Gossip Girl we spotted Chuck kissing dudes, Olivia (Hilary Duff) giving freshmen dinner speeches and Serena and Nate in Trip’s campaigzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe this is the week that promised threesome will happen just to wake us all back up.

Oh God help us. A Halloween-themed episode. Kill me now. With my luck it’ll be a furry threesome.  vlcsnap-2015-05-17-23h40m22s15

Well, at least Hallowen explain’s Little J.’s hair.


Chuck’s new hotel is #123 on Travelocity, behind the Holiday Inn LaGuardia. As if these people flew into LaGuardia. They are totally JFKers and then helicopter on in to the city.

Blair volunteers to kiss a girl to make it up to Chuck for making him kiss a guy. Chuck doesn’t seem too interested as he wants to become a legitimate businessman. Hah, that’s like Ed Westwick saying he wants to become a legitimate actor by starring on Gossip Girl! Oh. Never mind.

(BTW, congrats to Leighton Meester on her pregnancy! It’s not Chuck’s but her husband Adam Brody’s. First Blake, now Leighton! This is what you get when you do these recaps a month in advance! Belated well wishes).

Nate lends Dan his Endless Knights (the Gossip Girl Twilight rip off starring Hilary Duff I mean Olivia Burke) DVDs. Dan judges. Nate then tells Dan Dan that Olivia was dating her co-star during the filming, and Dan continues to judge. Dan then gets a Gossip Girl blast that Olivia was getting free condoms. It even hit Perez Hilton, ya’ll.


Serena’s boss K.C. is not happy that Serena has not taken care of the Dan Humphrey situation. Neither are fans. His continued presence on the show is just…horrible. Then K.C. makes Serena deliver James Franco’s underwear. They look like boxers.


Jenny is a queen bitch all right demanding better yogurt before kicking Eric and Jonathan down a few Met Steps.


Nate explains to Dan what an orgasm is while watching Endless Knights sex scenes as Dan has obviously never given a girl one before.


Chuck calls Serena as he needs a publicist, and he asks if Blair is there. Serena lies, says no and puts Blair on speakerphone so she can hear her boyfriend say he wants Blair to have nothing to do with this. Yawn. Chuck is opening the club Blair suggested.


It’s not a club. It’s a speakeasy.

Rufus and Lily have a fight about whether to stay at home and pass out candy or go to Charles’ speakeasy opening. This is about the most exciting thing so far this episode. Vanya the doorman is carrying all the candy Rufus bought. I swear, if this is the flipping threesome…oh good. It’s not. Lily and Vanya decide not to tell Rufus no trick-or-treaters come to Lily’s building.


Jonathan and Eric are jealous of Jenny’s feathers. (For Spain Spanish speakers, wink wink nudge nudge gay joke tener pluma double entendre).


Jonathan dares to sit higher than Queen of the Bad Hair Jenny. Eric joins him. Jenny orders the Not Mean Girls to dump their yogurts on Eric’s head. Gay bashing!


Olivia brings Dan soup and catches him in his lie. He is the one being judged for once. Olivia finds out Dan was busy judging her for Endless Knights and thinks she’s a bad actress! Olivia informs Dan to stop judging as the relationship was just for publicity. WTF! Not Watch This Fall!

Serena apparently stole K.C.’s client list to invite them to Chuck’s opening. Okay then. Serena saves her job by saying it was to get Olivia back with her co-star boyfriend.

Chuck doesn’t have a liquor license yet. Real World Problems on Gossip Girl. Never mind, it got approved….thanks to Blair getting an off-screen Jack Bass to help. Oh this will not sit well with Chuck.


Where is Dan? Rufus needs to be judged for this costume!


Lily judges for Dan.


Lily then gets annoyed that she has a son, Eric, who is mad at her stepdaughter, Jenny (his stepsister). Oh Lily is going to have to look for the wine if she’s going to have to mother.

Dorota is ticklish.


Chuck buys Blair a costume or dress or some shit, and it seems all is well between our couple.

Kill me now.


Serena and her van der Woodsens are out and about to persuade Olivia to walk the red carpet with her ex. Olivia listens to the van der Woodsens which does not amuse Dan, who is judging.


Remember, Jenny has yet to get dressed for Halloween.


“Stepmommy, Eric sat above me on the steps!” I am not making this up. Who wrote this episode? Sara Goodman, who also wrote my fave episode “The Wrath of Con”? Which really didn’t make any sense but was entertaining as hell? And she went on to write 11 more episodes? WTF indeed. Lily, annoyed at having to parent, says Jenny can go to the opening if she takes Eric and she makes her Not Mean Girls apologize.

Chuck finds out that Uncle Jack arranged for things and blames Serena. Serena spills the beans that it was Blair.


I’m thinking not the threesome as Chuck is pissed and uninvites Blair to the party. Blair tries to take S with her, but S refuses.

Oh C’mon!


Nate and Serena arrive


As does Jenny and the Not Mean Girls, who are pissed Eric is there.


You know, for an episode not even featuring Vanessa, this is a pretty shitty week. Now I remember all of Season Three’s problem. C’mon threesome!

Blair is playing chess in her dorm room that Dorota is cleaning.


Blair then gets flowers, but they’re not from Mr. Chuck. Blair demands her dress. Now.

Rufus serves a policeman and a young Lady Gaga their trick-o-treat candy that Lily had paid someone to bring them by.

The party gets shut down by the REAL police. Oh, the flowers were from Jack as he got a fake license for Chuck, so Blair and Chuck had the place raided before Jack could get it shut down so it would be a legend-wait-for-it-dary night. (No, Barney Stintson was not there.)


So all is well in Chair-land, but Serena is mad at Blair for the whole thing because K.C. will be mad at her.

Rufus figured out that Lily was paying Lithuanians to trick-or-treat when Lady Gaga came back as Taylor Swift in the same wig. Taylor Swift was around in 2009? Really? She seems much more recent than that, but I vaguely remember her annoying us back then too.

Rufus and Lily then rut, thankfully off screen.

Olivia is a liar, as co-star Patrick was her boyfriend. Dan judges. And judges the ex as he apparently made a Bruce Jenner biopic. Another “even more relevant today than in 2009” reference? They make up. Serena stops them from rutting, thankfully.


So Serena can expose them to the paparazzi.


And Serena then kisses Olivia’s co-star.


As Vanessa is out of town in Albany (feel free to stay there, V.!), Olivia takes Dan to their dorm room to rut. Ew.

The Not Mean Girls egged Jonathan, and Eric is not amused. He tells Little J. what everyone watching is thinking about Little J. “I want nothing to do with you.”

K.C. is happy with Serena’s work for the evening and wants Serena to date Patrick Roberts (Olivia’s co-star).


Chuck makes plans for the speakeasy to stay open secretly after being shut down.

Serena refuses to forgive Blair.

Like all good things, The Witching Hour must come to an end.


True natures are revealed. Tricks turn into treats.


And taking off costumes is as much fun as putting them on.


Everything returns to the way it was, except for little girls who forget that Halloween only lasts one night. They wear their costumes for so long pretty soon they can’t remember who they were before they put them on.

Jenny takes out a lot of fugly clothes in her closet and throws out her sewing machine.


XOXO, Gossip Girl


Yeah, so not wanting to WTF and this time I mean I don’t want to watch this fall.

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