They Shoot Humphrey’s, Don’t They? Episode 3×09.

One can only hope, regarding this week’s episode title.

Last week, we fell asleep as a bunch of shit happened. Jimmy Fallon guest starred as himself, the Hilary Duff shit continued (she had an interview with Fallon and got Lonely Boy Dan renamed Bathroom Boy), and Blair pushed Serena into a cake at an election party. Right.

I am beginning to feel we were lied to about the threesome, and it was something imaginary the CW put out there in hopes people would tune in for the chance of a threesome.

It’s cotillion time on the Upper East Side! Oh joy! Now Jenny will be even a bigger bitch and bore us even more! Jenny still hasn’t found the proper escort for the event. Maybe she could borrow a monkey from the Bronx Zoo?

vlcsnap-2015-05-28-13h06m28s66The Five Families of Prep School do not approve of Jenny. Neither do I, so Team Five Families of Prep School.

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Chuck is sad that he promised Nate a “lost weekend” where he unfortunately has to watch slutty women with “tramp stamps” be slutty all weekend. Blair does not approve. Chuck says Blair should make up with Serena so they can enjoy cotillion together. Chuck compares Blair to “manwhore” Lance Armstrong when he says “A debutante ball without Blair Waldorf is like a Tour de France without Lance Armstrong.” Was Blair privy to the doping before the rest of the world?

Tripp hires Serena. My GOD, these plots are getting more unbelievable. Serena working for a Congressman? (And how the hell is Trip a Congressman anyway? Who the hell voted for him?) Serena has to run away to mentor cotillion, which totally makes sense. Serena working for a Congressman? No sense at all.

Olivia is concerned about brain damage from learning too much too fast. Yep, this *is* Hilary Duff playing her.

Let’s all make fun of Lily being in charge of cotillion here!

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Amanda Lasher is the writer this week. I’m going to start calling out the writers, just in case they’re up for a big gig and they can be found by Google and be tied to the shit they’re writing and then not be hired for the gig. You’re welcome. Hey, she wrote “Seder Anything”, one of my faves! How can the same writer write that brilliance and later write this shit?

Lily has a gay escort to dance with Jenny, and if he isn’t gay, then Dan doesn’t judge. Speaking of gays, Eric, aka Jenny Humphrey’s brother, is escorting someone, who knows the dude Jenny wants to escort her. Eric tells this girl not to make the introductions.

Olivia is up for Endless Knights IV and might leave college! Vanessa shows her the list of “15 Things Every College Student Must Do Before Graduating”, which explains some things, like Olivia’s attraction to Dan Dan. “Date a loser Hipster from Brooklyn who judges everyone and everything” can be crossed off her college bucket list now.

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Ugh, Jenny.

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Jenny is worried about being a nobody. Um…Jenny? You are a nobody. Eric is right when he says he is a better person than Jenny is. She then gets a text from Graham saying he can be her escort, so Eric texts back as Jenny saying there is no need. I would try to understand this, but I just don’t give a shit. Oh, because Eric hooked her up with his boyfriend.

Blair picks a fight with Serena about being Jenny’s mentor. Jenny refuses to be “a pawn in their war”. Serena gives her to Blair to mentor.

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Blair: This is not like your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once.

Jonathan isn’t happy about being Little J.’s escort.

Serena surprises Tripp with dinner at the office. If you don’t see where this is going…I’m guessing Serena will be showing off her very own Monica Lewinsky-style stained dress soon enough. Tripp runs her off so things don’t look weird. He is married, after all. However, Serena still has to add “sleep with a married Congressman” to her very own “15 Things A Van der Woodsen Woman Must do before 20” bucket list.

Jenny, of course, finds out what Eric did. Both Jenny and Jonathan  get mad at Eric, and Jenny fires Blair as her mentor, saying Blair’s “reign is as over as that headband.” Eh, Team Blair because Jenny sucks. Are Eric and Blair going to team up now for revenge?

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Caption this:

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Nate’s all moved in, and Chuck is concerned with how calm Blair is. He explains that Blair and Serena are fighting over how each one loves the other more than the other love’s her.”

I’m just a bit worried that this hooker in the background hasn’t moved the entire scene. Wait, is the threesome with Chuck and Nate and another dude? That would make so much sense.

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Talk about a working girl.

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Tripp says he finds “Serena smart”. Kudos to Aaron Tveit for saying that line without laughing. I wonder how many takes it took. He has a crush on Serena. I told you this was coming. Thanks for those anvils, writers.

Serena then gets a text from Blair trying to make up.

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Blair decides to make the girl Eric is escorting, Keira, Queen, because girls like Serena, she means Jenny, run “emotional Ponzi schemes”.

Montage of girls getting ready for cotillion yawn.

And Jenny is wearing this. Ew.

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In an attempt to go meta, Leighton Meester has a song playing at this dorm party where Vanessa is jealous of Olivia and Dan making out after every shot.

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A new tongue twister for everyone, by the way. How unhappy Humphrey is! He hates his horrible hair. (Spoiler alert: Humphrey’s horrible hair harangues us with its horribleness even worse as the show drags on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.) A bunch of geeks go off on Humphrey for trying to get Olivia to not do Endless Knights IV. Olivia decides to take the movie.

Blair admires her handiwork.

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And even gets Graham Collins as the escort. Seriously, this is the dude everyone is fighting over?

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Jenny describes Graham Collins as this year’s Nate. Um, no way. Look at Nate.

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Nate’s there to deliver an invitation from Chuck to Blair.

Apparently Eric got Graham to ditch Jenny as “what happens at camp stays at camp…or not.” Wink wink. Blair compliments him on his natural abilities.

Blair and Serena realise that Chuck has set them up for a sitcom trope of two frenemies fighting being trapped in an elevator together! We’re ripping off Saved by the Bell! Oh, oh, oh, but Zack Morris Chuck Bass arranged for the frenemies to be trapped together. It’sdifferent. If it looks like shit, and smells like shit, it must have been produced by Josh Safran.

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Jenny Humphrey went to a ball. Jenny Humphrey had a great fall. And none of her minions, mentors or friends want to put Jenny together again. Thanks, Gossip Girl!

Jenny is left without an escort humiliated at cotillion! She blames Blair.

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Serena tells Blair all about her Daddy issues and all is well in the BFFrenemies world again. Blair advises Serena NOT to go after married-man Tripp. Chuck speaks through the elevator phone that if Serena and Blair were to kiss, he wouldn’t count that as cheating. Oh please, no, Chuck. SHE’S YOUR STEPSISTER!

Ok, EX STEPSISTER!

Olivia finds out that she has fulfilled 14/15 of pre-Buzzfeed list of college experiences you must have. The 15th is a threesome.

Oh.

God.

No.

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Oh.

No.

Oh please. please, PLEASE don’t let this happen.

Oh. God. They are discussing it. Dan has to think before he remembers he has never had one. Olivia has only had one “in the movies”. I’m not asking what type of movies she made before Endless Knights. Vanessa, of course, has not. But she looks keen on the idea.

PLEASE.

DON’T GO THERE.

EWWWWWWWW.

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OH GOD PLEASE LET THE CENSORS KICK IN SOON.

I think I am becoming asexual!

Ew!

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OMG WTF AND I DON’T MEAN WATCH THIS FALL

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I have never been so happy for stock footage of the Empire State Building!

Just.

NO!

Can I bleach my brain?

Dan and Vanessa have just had a threesome with a character played by Hilary Duff! Way to break out of that Disney mold. Couldn’t she have just twerked with a teddy bear like everyone else?

And then Miss Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey makes her debut with Mr. Nathaniel Archibald.

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Serena decides to resign from working for Tripp. Is that how call girls work these days? They offer letters of resignation?

Jonathan then dumps Eric for scheming with Blair as he just doesn’t like who Eric has become.

Blair ditches Chuck for Serena…after this dance…and after warning him not to loan out her lingerie again or she will convert to flannel pijamas.

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Jenny is a bitch to Eric, who vows to take her down for good.

Some people think that when the party ends, the night is over.

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But I’ve found that it’s when the music stops and the lights come up that the real trouble begins.

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Serena tries to quit, but Tripp talks her out of it, saying that they can keep it “friendly and professional.” As you know, he’s a politician and politicans always tell the truth. Not. Blair barges in to stop the flirting.

Rufus thanks Lily for using her name on the committee to get Jenny on the list in the first place in a throwaway scene. I’m guessing pay-or-play contract?

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Never mind. Serena got a letter…from Daddy!! Let the stunt casting commence!

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EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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You better get your beauty rest now, because it looks like things could get ugly in the morning. XOXO Gossip Girl

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I guess Olivia could always do porn since Endless Knights IV is off. I’m going to go gauge my eyes out now.

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