Gossip Girl here. Last week, what with Jenny’s hair and that threesome Dan, Vanessa and Olivia (played by freaking Hilary Duff of all people) shared, we all went in to do a collective Eternal Sunshine and had our memories erased (at least that’s what the writers hope as they rush to figure out who’s going to play Serena’s Daddy!)
The show only goes downhill from here. At least week the incredible Lady Gaga guest stars as herself. I wonder how the show will screw this one up.
On the other hand, Blair proudly states that she doesn’t “converse with liars or Lewinskys” as she ignored Serena’s 31 messages. Blair is busy trying to take over the Tisch School of Arts. Why? Because it fits this week’s episode.
Dan proudly tells Nate about his threesome, and for once, the judger becomes the one being judged. Nate says he’s been to Europe, he’s BFF with Chuck Bass and he knows things Humphrey Dumpty doesn’t.
What the Brooklyn Hipster wears the day after a threesome, Female Edition.
Dan then invites her to a Morrissey concert.
The Tisch kids are upset that Lady Gaga won’t give a secret performance just for them. They scoff at Blair’s stepfather being Cyrus Rose, entertainment only. And Blair doesn’t get invited to their cabaret either.
Leila Gerstein is responsible for this sordid episode. She also wrote the great wedding episode. Okay, the great moments of Georgina that episode. Odd that these writers *can* write decently and they just choose not to.
Olivia is trying to get a new job as Endless Knights IV isn’t being made. She is also okay with Dan Dan going to see Morrissey with the Brooklyn Folly. Not.
Lily is trying to find Jenny a date to the horticultural gala. I can’t make this ish up. Chuck Bass shows up on his way to the planetarium, and Rufus shows us where Dan Dan gets his judgmental side from by judging Chuck on going there. Chuck explains he’s showing the son of an ambassador who is staying at the hotel, and Lily volunteers Jenny to do it. (Great stepmother *and* mother, that Lily Rhodes vd Woodsen Bass Humphrey).
Oh, Lily, thanks for ushering in one of the best recurring characters and the only thing that makes me not want to throw the tv out the window during Jenny scenes, Damien Dalgaard.
Rufus then asks Lily what “gonorrhea” of the throat is. As he is the current stepfather of Serena vd Woodsen, this is good information for him to have.
Blair tries to get Olivia to get her into the Tisch Cabaret. WTF and I don’t mean “Watch This Fall”
Serena Tripp blah blah blah blah awkward blah. Tripp is moving to D.C. early blah.
Serena then tries to make nice to Nate by wearing this.
When college roomies have threesomes with Brooklyn Hipster Losers!
Oh, but Olivia is going to make Dan go to the Tisch Cabaret instead of Morrissey with Vanessa.
Nate: Two months ago you were all over Carter Baizen.
Yes, Nate, Serena was. Serena falls in love, a lot. Like every day that ends en “y”.
Jenny, whose family is really into waffles, is excited to talk about Belgian waffles with Damien. Damien then rents a sail boat to play with in front of Constance Girls! The horror!
Blair is doing something that makes no sense to ingratiate herself in to the kids at Tisch and is using Dan and Olivia. I am not even going to try to explain it. It just does not make sense. At all. I cannot make heads or tails of this story. I just know it ends with Gaga and that’s all *I* care about. (Yes, I am a Little Monster.) Snow White Lady Gaga musical to be directed by Blair Waldorf?
What the bloody eff ever.
Damien was using the boats to sell ecstasy, by the way.
Nate gives Humphrey Dumpty more post-threesome advice and has Serena call Tripp to cancel. Nate, who is continually amazed that 2+2 is 4, is now the Romantic Guru.
Oh, but Tripp has this random maid to announce Auntie Vanderbilt’s arrival.
Humphrey has written a Snow White musical based on Gaga’s lyrics, and Vanessa is now directing.
Blair: Don’t get too cocky, Humphrey. We still have your subpar acting to deal with.
Olivia and Vanessa are now fighting over Humphrey Dumpty’s attention in the most unbelievable storyline ever on a show that also has Jenny Humphrey as Queen of an UES high school.
Damien asks Jenny to go on her very first drug deal with him. How sweet.
Nate and Serena bond over high school being easier, as Serena wasn’t the one attracted to married people. He wipes yogurt or ice cream off her lip. Oh God, Serena’s going to fall in love again, isn’t she? At least she’s already boinked this one. Nate takes her phone when Tripp calls and then suggests getting drunk together. Serena happily agrees.
Vanessa and Olivia continue to fight over direction/acting choices/etc.
Apparently Vanessa pushed Olivia off Dan, boxing her out.
Olivia accuses Vanessa of being in love with Dan, and the two of them both quit. Blair pieces together a threesome was had.
Blair: What is going on? Did you bozos have a threesome or something? Oh God. How stupid can you be? The third person is always supposed to be a stranger!
Blair then scampers off to blackmail people.
At least the show still has some awesome cinematography…sometimes.
Blair successfully blackmails the two of them into the cabaret. Poor Liza Minelli.
Nate and Serena are reminiscing about the night they had passionate sex before she went off to kill a guy in a snuff film made by Georgina Sparks when Tripp calls to say it was his wife Maureen who staged the drowning in the Hudson incident. Nate tells Serena the call was from Dan Dan.
Jenny’s all ready for her first drug deal!
Vanessa and Olivia show up to the play. Olivia tells Dan during the Threesome From Hell that he looked at and kissed Vanessa in ways that he never did her.
Blair: Platinum record on the wall, who’s the most talented of them all?
OH GOD HELP US ALL
I prefer Liza Minelli’s Cabaret.
Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia, cannot sing “Lovegame” at all, sorry to say.
Chuck busts the drug deal and saves Jenny from breaking the law.
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means.
Dan: The disco stick is an unreliable form of transportation.
Leave it to Dan Humphrey to judge disco sticks. Olivia misses her cue, and Blair shoves Vanessa into the play to save the day.
Nate tells Serena about how when he told Jenny in a mask that he loved Serena in a mask at the Masquerade in Season 1, he really wanted to tell Serena in a mask that he loved Serena in and out of a mask. Tripp shows up during this conversation.
Dan kisses Vanessa as Snow White. I never thought I would ever type out a sentence like that. Blair gets her attention, and the Tisch guy says he’ll help Dan get into the playwriting program.
Please tell me not a second threesome is on the way.
Nate tells Serena not to leave with Tripp. Serena ignores Nate.
Turns out Lady Gaga plays poker with Blair’s stepfather Cyrus, which inspired “Poker Face”.
AND HERE SHE IS! THE GAGA! To sing “Bad Romance”!
For about three seconds.
Because Olivia dumping Dan so he can be with Vanessa is somehow more important than Gaga. WTFever. Olivia runs away to do some witch movie in Hollywood. Bye bye! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! Watching this story again after witnessed the atrocities of seasons 4-6 makes me realise that the Olivia storyline wasn’t as bad as I remembered. However, that doesn’t mean it was any good. Bye Bye H. Duff!
Leave it to Gossip Girl to ruin my Gaga with Dan, Vanessa and Olivia.
Chuck tries to warn Jenny not to go down the rabbit hole. Jenny doesn’t want to listen.
During the audio track of “Bad Romance”, this happens:
Sometimes it’s after the curtains close that the real reckonings come.
Jenny texts Damien. Uh oh.
Whether it’s about who we wish we were
Or who we wish we could be
Or who we want.
No XOXO Gossip Girl this week?