How to Succeed in Bassness. Episode 3×07.

Last time on Gossip Girl we spotted Chuck kissing dudes, Olivia (Hilary Duff) giving freshmen dinner speeches and Serena and Nate in Trip’s campaigzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Maybe this is the week that promised threesome will happen just to wake us all back up.

Oh God help us. A Halloween-themed episode. Kill me now. With my luck it’ll be a furry threesome.  vlcsnap-2015-05-17-23h40m22s15

Well, at least Hallowen explain’s Little J.’s hair.

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Chuck’s new hotel is #123 on Travelocity, behind the Holiday Inn LaGuardia. As if these people flew into LaGuardia. They are totally JFKers and then helicopter on in to the city. read more

Rufus Getting Married. Episode 3×05

Gossip Girl here. Spotted last week? Scott getting calls from Georgina, Dan flirting with Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia Burke, and Blair not happy with Little J’s reign over Constance. What will happen this week? From the title…Rufus and Lily get married, maybe? They haven’t even mentioned their engagement this season…

I bet there will be wine. And maybe that promised threesome will finally transpire?

This week begins with Gossip Girl pontificating about love as we see a montage of the couples. Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Chuck and Blair, Humphrey and his computer, Rufus on the couch…she also admits that love on the UES is a synonym for “pain”. Yep! That’s why we watch. read more

Dan de Fleurette. Episode 3×04

Georgina knows a secret! What will she do with it? Chuck bought a hotel and rented out the penthouse so he and Blair could colour together, and Scott nearly outed himself as the Secret Love Child! Oh, and we’re still dealing with Serena dropping out of Brown before starting.

And in an episode called “Dan de Fleurette”, I’m guessing we’re going to see flower power judging. I hope there is no threesome involved. We still have that coming up. Will this be the episode?

Oh. Great. A Jenny episode. And one where she establishes herself as “Queen” of Constance which Blair left to her. “Nervous subjects ‘twitter’ and ‘tweet’” according to Gossip Girl. Are they trying to be meta again? read more

The Freshmen. Episode 3×02.

Gossip Girl here. Last time, we spotted our gang at a charity polo event, because those are where all the kewl kids hang these days. Chuck and Blair played games, and Serena had Daddy Issues and Wardrobe Malfunctions and Carter Baizen. Nate is dating his family’s enemy’s heir CHEYENNE from Reba while Vanessa is dating Rufus and Lily’s SECRET LOVE CHILD, who is a LINCOLN HAWK FAN. Stretching reality is always in fashion on the UES.

Hey Jesus, it looks like the bitch is back. GEORGINA SPARKS EVERYONE. read more

Valley Girls. Episode 2×24.

Lily had Serena arrested because Gabriel stole everyone’s money, and Poppy stole Georgina’s Bible Money, which can only mean one thing. Blair has the impossible situation of telling Jesus that the bitch is back.

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Oh the joys of a backdoor pilot stinking up the airwaves. Brittany Snow and Krysten Ritter star as the Rhodes Sisters and we get a look back that no one was exactly asking for to see Lily as a teen. I bet there’s alcohol involved. I remember this episode being truly horrid, which cannot be a good sign. It even makes the awesome No Doubt look bad. read more

Remains of the J. Episode 2×20.

Last week, a bunch of boring stuff with Nate’s grandfather a VANDERBILT transpired that lead him back to Blair, perhaps, Serena slapped Dan (#TeamSerena), and Lily destroyed the entire Amazon rainforest by writing down the names of all her lovers. What’s next? From the episode description, barf bags for all. “S has just the gift for little J’s Sweet 16: A party with all of S’s stuffy socialite friends. Looks like no one is going to get what they want this year!” I’d like Jenny to murder Vanessa in a murder-suicide, and I don’t think I’ll be getting that! read more

The Grandfather. Episode 2×19.

Miss Carr headed back to Iowa after sending everyone’s business to Gossip Girl, Nelly took Blair’s seat at Yale and the senior class play was The Age of Innocence. Also, for having a gay brother, Serena is lacking in the gaydar department. Chuck realized his heart wanted Blair just around the time she’s about to go home with Carter Baizen.What’s next for these crazy kids?

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From the title, I’m going to have to plead with the writers that it’s Jenny who makes Rufus a grandfather and not Dan, as I can’t deal with a Serena or Miss Carr pregnancy storyline. read more

The Age of Dissonance. Episode 2×18.

Miss Carr and Dan did the NASTY (and I mean NASTY), Blair nearly got expelled for sending tips to Gossip Girl, and Vanessa wanted to do Eyes Wide Shut with Nate as his eyes were already shut tight. (Do you blame him?) What’s next on the Upper East Side?

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THE AGE OF INNOCENCE! I love how GG took a chance and did an episode told through a play about crusty old rich people being played by people who would be crusty old rich people in 50 years. Backstage and onstage, the drama is going to happen. And a lot of it! Who cares if we’ve never heard of the senior-class play before and it came out of nowhere (no talk, no rehearsals, nada nada nada). It’s awesome on a stick. read more

Carnal Knowledge. Episode 2×17.

After we suffer through this episode (that isn’t really that bad, but not as good as what’s ahead), the best episodes of Gossip Girl will arrive. We can rejoice, albeit briefly, as the best will give way to four seasons of unwatchableness after thinking a failed backdoor pilot about Lily in the 80s proving Like Mother Like Daughter was a good idea. First, we must see what happens after Serena was accepted and then turned down Yale for Blair, this Miss Carr teacher is up to and how far Blair’s war against her will go, the aftermath of Jack Bass nearly raping Lily which gave her the ability to push him out of Bass Industries and if the show will ever mention the Secret Love Child between Lily and Rufus again. Also, always remember, the less Vanessa and Jenny, the better! read more

You’ve Got Yale. Episode 2×16.

Previously on Gossip Girl a will was read, providing more drama than usual, and Rufus and Lily ran away to Boston to try to find their Secret Love Child. Serena and Dan found out they have sibling in common, which is totally a mood-killer. Uncle Jack managed to get Chuck fired from Bass Industries to take it over. What will happen next? Please tell us, Gossip Girl! We’re literally dying here! In fact, Daddy WarBass died from not knowing!

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All Blair wants is a ticket to Yale. So call Greyhound and see if they have a ticket from the Upper East Side to New Haven. read more