The Goodbye Gossip Girl. Episode 2×25

Last week was a total waste of time as it was a failed backdoor pilot for a show about Lily in the 80’s, and it was also PROM, which was more an afterthought. Now it’s time for the Season 2 Season Finale. What’s going to happen to our gang? Will Georgina get her Bible money back? Did Blair ever tell Jesus that the Bitch is Back? (Wait, if Jesus is the Son of God, wouldn’t he already know?) Or was Blair too busy breaking up with Nate to relay the message? Let’s find out!

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It’s graduation time on the Upper East Side, and as Gossip Girl herself says, who needs “Pomp and Circumstance” when you’ve got paparazzi? Serena is ready to end high school as she figures it’ll end her reign as Gossip Girl’s #1 target. She was the very first blast on the Gossip Girl site back in 9th grade when she wore a white dress on a rainy day. Serena is just excited as Gossip Girl doesn’t do college, yo. read more

Seder Anything. Episode 2×21.

It was Jenny’s party and she’ll cry if she wants to (you’d cry too if you were a Humphrey), Lily was annoyed that she had to be a parent, Chuck and Vanessa feel that sex neither one of them wants to brag about is the best way to make Nate and Blair jealous, and Serena ran off to Spain. Hmm, their economic crisis got really bad around the time Serena visited. Can we blame her?

Next week we shall start the Official Serena Man count. Dan is 1, Aaron Rose is 2, Pretentious Gay Director is 3…

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O Brother, Where Bart Thou? Episode 2×13

Daddy WarBass has been in an accident! How bad was it? Will Chuck brood? Will Dan judge? Will Vanessa and Jenny annoy? Yes, yes and yes, no matter WHAT happened with that off-screen accident.

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Well, if the photo from Gossip Girl is to be believed, Bart did die. Finally things are happening on this show as it’s been such a snoozefest the past couple of weeks. (That’s what happens when you allow Jenny and Vanessa to drive plot.) Should we be glad we were spared hospital visits? Should we be mad that we were spared the accident scene? We all know Josh Schwartz likes his accident scenes from The O.C….(did Agnes go running back to being Kaitlin Cooper?) read more

The Magnificent Archibalds. Episode 2×11.

Last week Jenny decided to emancipate herself from Rufus, Serena and Aaron Rose (now known as Creepy Bores) something about an open relationship blah blah blah, and Dan learned Daddy WarBass burned down a hotel for insurance money which he made his billions from. I’ve totally forgotten what’s going on with Nate and his family (but the writers have too I’m guessing), but it looks like this episode will deal with that. And maybe his inappropriate relationship with Chuck too. Let’s hope Georgina comes back soon as this show needs some LIFE breathed into it! read more

Bonfire of the Vanity. Episode 2×10.

Jenny bored us to tears with her plans to launch her own line and interrupted Lily and Daddy Warbass’s “Look At Us Rich People Donating $1 to Charity And We Invited Our Offspring So We’re Not Bad Parents, Wait, We Have Children?” charity event to launch it before running away from home. Aaron Rose turned out to be a sleazy bore or a boring sleaze, not sure which is the adjective and which is the noun. Chuck and Blair babysat a friend of the Yale Dean’s obnoxious teen daughter, and fans asked…this aired in November Sweeps time? I am remembering WHY I had forgotten nearly everything that happened post-Hamptons pre-second part of Season 2 now. read more

Pret-a-Poor-J. Episode 2×08

Chuck and Blair played more games with each other and other people (can you call Vanessa “people” thought?), Jenny and Vanessa continued their fashion atrocities, Nate is squatting in his old house and Lily decided that now that her kids are teens, it’s damn time she tried being a mother. What will happen this week?

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Blair is having a sex dream about her Prince Charming (Chuck) as Gossip Girl non-discretely voice overs “But if Prince Charming refuses to come” as Blair is woken up by a knock on the door. Those sly writers getting things past the CW censors again. It’s our Dorota, who reminds Blair that God is always watching. read more

New Haven Can Wait. Episode 2×06.

Jenny needs to be grounded for life after quitting school to work for Eleanor behind her daddy’s back, Blair and Serena need a time out to discuss who is insecure and who is conceited, and Lily needs a drink. Let’s find out what’s in store this week.

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Uh oh, the recaps mentioned Captain I, Like the Writers, Forgot About This Plot Point. They must have remembered. Is he escaping jail?

It’s Blairiza Doolitle, practicing “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain” (which is a huge lie. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the north where there is no plain.) However, Blair can’t get the Cockney out of her Upper East Side Accent, and Serena can say it perfectly! read more

The Serena Also Rises. Episode 2×05.

So no more incestuous Dukes and Duchesses that pay Nate for sex and refuse to put out for Blair! I think we can all breathe a gigantic sigh of relief now. Also, Serena is Queen and not Blair! How is that going to go?

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It’s Fashion Week, which means Blair MUST wear elderly clothing!

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Actually, she’s doing the seating chart.

Humphrey is apparently applying to Yale. Isn’t that Blair’s thing? I thought Dan was a Dartmouth man. He’s changed his mind. Jenny is cutting class to help Eleanor. read more

The Dark Night. Episode 2×03.

Last time on Gossip Girl, we learned that Nate is being paid by Blair’s Lord of Boring Boyfriend’s Mommy, Duchess of Twin Peaks, for sex. Just where do we go from here?

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h09m25s26   Advice from Gossip Girl on how to beat the heat (102ºF!)

1. Drink plenty of fluids (Seems more Lily’s style but she is his stepmommy now)

vlcsnap-2014-07-06-13h10m59s2192. Stay out of the sun

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3. Limit all physical activity (that is, within reason) (for Serena, this means only ONE boyfriend)

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Lord of Boring won’t put out because “Blair is a delicate little flower” and he wants the moment to be special (and probably because he’s getting it from some trendy Chelsea or Village bathhouse). Blair wants some nookie, dammit! read more

A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate. Episode 1×13.

It’s called a condom. Good thing GG is promoting safe sex to an impressionable young audience. (Who are we kidding? Most GG fans were in their 20s, but it pretended to be for teens!)

I suppose the title really means a secret is going to come out. I smell threeway. (I know, not until season three, but still.)

Also, for anyone who has watched the entire show, this episode is solid proof that You Know Who Could Not Be Gossip Girl. Viewers always know better than desperate writers (Josh Safran) who pull things out of their ass at the table read for the series finale. read more