Rufus Getting Married. Episode 3×05

Gossip Girl here. Spotted last week? Scott getting calls from Georgina, Dan flirting with Hilary Duff, I mean Olivia Burke, and Blair not happy with Little J’s reign over Constance. What will happen this week? From the title…Rufus and Lily get married, maybe? They haven’t even mentioned their engagement this season…

I bet there will be wine. And maybe that promised threesome will finally transpire?

This week begins with Gossip Girl pontificating about love as we see a montage of the couples. Serena and Carter, Nate and Bree, Chuck and Blair, Humphrey and his computer, Rufus on the couch…she also admits that love on the UES is a synonym for “pain”. Yep! That’s why we watch. read more

The Lost Boy. Episode 3×03.

Last week, Dan and Georgina began some sort of relationship, Blair found out her Queendom wasn’t going to transfer to Hipster NYU, and Nate had a lot of sex with Cheyenne from Reba. What will Van do if he finds out? Oh, and Serena decided to defer Brown for a year to sex up Carter.

Is this week the big promised THREESOME? WTF!?!? Watch this fall and what the fuck!

Blair learns what a sock on the door means. Georgina is getting FRISKY.

vlcsnap-2015-05-01-13h32m29s175  Blair: I’m wearing a glove and still want to wash my hands!…don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey! read more

The Goodbye Gossip Girl. Episode 2×25

Last week was a total waste of time as it was a failed backdoor pilot for a show about Lily in the 80’s, and it was also PROM, which was more an afterthought. Now it’s time for the Season 2 Season Finale. What’s going to happen to our gang? Will Georgina get her Bible money back? Did Blair ever tell Jesus that the Bitch is Back? (Wait, if Jesus is the Son of God, wouldn’t he already know?) Or was Blair too busy breaking up with Nate to relay the message? Let’s find out!

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It’s graduation time on the Upper East Side, and as Gossip Girl herself says, who needs “Pomp and Circumstance” when you’ve got paparazzi? Serena is ready to end high school as she figures it’ll end her reign as Gossip Girl’s #1 target. She was the very first blast on the Gossip Girl site back in 9th grade when she wore a white dress on a rainy day. Serena is just excited as Gossip Girl doesn’t do college, yo. read more

The Wrath of Con. Episode 2×23.

Georgina is back, having converted to Christianity in her time at boot camp. Serena realized that Gabriel was scamming everyone, including Rufus, so thank God she didn’t accidentally marry him in Spain. And Nate bought Blair an apartment so she wouldn’t have to take the SUBWAY.

Serena Boyfriend Count: 5

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This episode ends with the best quote ever. Fair warning.

Chuck is a bit miffed that the taxi back from Jesus Camp is without glasses for his flask, and he neglects to tell Serena he’s bringing back a friend (Georgina, the one he gave his flower to in the sixth grade). He offers Georgina a drink. read more

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Episode 2×22.

Serena came back from Spain unsure if she’s married (she’s not), Blair dealt with Nate’s Evil Grandfather, Chuck and Jenny worked through their issues, and there was a seder with Dan as the cater waiter. This week…Chuck Bass might get saved.

Serena Boyfriend Count: 5 (I’m going to include Nate as there were flashbacks last season).

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This episode has perhaps the best plot twist ever in the history of television for anyone with a sense of humor about the whole thing. If you’re reading this, chances are, you have a sense of humor. I mean…is Gossip Girl meant to be taken seriously? read more

Women on the Verge. Episode 1×17.

Another Almodóvar reference! Anyway, last week, we found out Serena killed someone. I swear, if the CW pulled out an abortion is murder lecture…keep the pro-life/pro-choice debates off my teen soaps! I hope Serena actually did kill someone and NOT in self-defense. Something juicy. Something that will shock me.

She probably gave someone a lethal case of herpes or something though with my luck.

Murderer Serena. Where do we go from here?

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Ah hell, the recaps reminded me Nate and Vanessa are a thing now. read more

All About My Brother. Episode 1×16

This is one of my favorite episodes, and I’m going to give them 1000 Meow Meow Beanz for naming an episode after an Almodóvar film. Shit happens this episode. Shit is revealed. If Soaps In Depth were covering this episode, they would proclaim THE UPPER EAST SIDE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME next to the picture of Vanessa Marcil asking if Brenda is returning to General Hospital.

I just hope this Sarah person (Georgina’s nice twin? I mean, Georgina would never pretend to be someone she’s not, would she? I’m playing coy.) doesn’t come between Dan and Serena! read more

Desperately Seeking Serena. Episode 1×15.

The Key to bitchy awesomeness has arrived. Buffy fans have probably caught on to the fact that Michelle Trachtenberg might be guest-starring at some point with the Key references. What they don’t know is that her character will be much more Kathryn’s little sister from Cruel Intentions than Buffy’s annoying kid sister Dawn.

Why, you ask? I mean, she’s already sent Serena porn, handcuffs, cocaine and champagne. What else can she do?

Don’t answer that question.

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The gang is preparing for the SATs. read more